How not to tan!!

[PittBoy]

So....I usually go around most summers with a sweet farmer's tan. What's even worse is I drive a lot so most of the time my left arm is much darker than my right.

This past year I have really got dedicated to sculpting my body and am proud of my results so I want to show them off this summer. I figure no more farmer's tan and since my gym has a tanning bed I'll just hop in after I lift a few times a week and I'll be a sexy tanned beast.

It sounded good in theory.................

Let me backup for a moment....a month or so ago I take my wife to the gym with me so she can tan. She likes to get a decent base tan for the summer. I lift while she is tanning and when she is done she comes out and tells me how much the tanning beds suck. I figure yeah they probably do, it's just a little gym, and they are more focused on the gym aspect rather than the tanning salon environment. She tells me "You could probably sit in there and not even get burnt your first time". She also told me how the bed didn't even really get hot.

Now we fast forward to yesterday.......I remember all of these things she says so after I lift I decide to start on the tan. I go in and get buck nekkid, of course I put my sock on my unit as I wasn't taking a chance on a weiney roast. So I turn on the fan and proceed to set the timer for 20 minutes. I lay there and let the bed do it's thing. After a while my butt starts to get hot so I figure....eh....maybe I'll get a little burnt there no big deal. 20 minutes is up I get out and leave no problem.

I look at myself and think wow my wife was right I'm still white!!! Stupid tanning bed!!! And again I was wrong! As the day went on I notice pain.....and redness.....and I'm like..........ohhh no.

My butt isn't burnt......it's cooked!!! My nipples are purple and my neck is bright bright red. What's worse is I don't go tanning so I apparently don't know how to position myself right so I have 2 sweet racing striped going down each side of my upper body.

My inside arms are totally white as are my pits, and the stripe continues down my side. Perfect racing stripes!!!! Everywhere else is candy apple red!!

The nips are the worst part....

I slept like crap as everytime I needed to move I had to lift myself up and turn to avoid the friction.

Maybe next time I'll go for 30 mins

[jfalco]

lol.

My ass hurts just thinking about this. As a fellow pale guy, I feel your pain. Next time you use the bed, start at about 4 minutes. Work your way slowly up to 10. Never go for longer than 10 minutes. No need for the sock. I burn really easy and I never use one. I think than the weenie is more burn resistant than the rest of your body. I've burnt myself in a tanning bed, but the weenie was always fine.

The racing stripe thing is pretty wierd and funny. You must have had your arms glued to your sides.

[PittBoy]

lol.

My ass hurts just thinking about this. As a fellow pale guy, I feel your pain. Next time you use the bed, start at about 4 minutes. Work your way slowly up to 10. Never go for longer than 10 minutes. No need for the sock. I burn really easy and I never use one. I think than the weenie is more burn resistant than the rest of your body. I've burnt myself in a tanning bed, but the weenie was always fine.

The racing stripe thing is pretty wierd and funny. You must have had your arms glued to your sides.

Yeah I'm an idiot LOL. I was even trying to position my arms so they would get heat all over.....I failed miserably.

Only good thing is the burn won't last long and I tan really well so.....after this is out of the way I should be good to go!!!

[Dukkit]

ouch

i tan regularly

never had any problems

but i can imagine how you look and feel. hahahah

[PittBoy]

ouch

i tan regularly

never had any problems

but i can imagine how you look and feel. hahahah

I look like a tool LOL....not that that's any different than before!

[mxkevin]

ha thats comedy right there

[Gears]

Man that sucks. Everytime I go back from time off I set the timer for no more than 10mins, and I tan easy. That's a good stragety for looking like a burn victim.. Just be more careful next time.

[CHAP]

I got you beat . I summers ago I had a good base tan and to save some money I put on some Tanner put on my Ipod and layed out in the sun. Not a bad idea huh. I fell asleep woke up 2 hours later. use your imagination. Lets just say the doc put me to the head of the line in the doc office ,had me on some good pain meds for about a month ,and my wife had to dress me for a while.

[kalspic]

i was at the beach a week ago with no sunscreen. still red on my stomach a week later and when i take my shirt off it starts snowing.

[PittBoy]

I got you beat . I summers ago I had a good base tan and to save some money I put on some Tanner put on my Ipod and layed out in the sun. Not a bad idea huh. I fell asleep woke up 2 hours later. use your imagination. Lets just say the doc put me to the head of the line in the doc office ,had me on some good pain meds for about a month ,and my wife had to dress me for a while.

Ouch.......

[PittBoy]

i was at the beach a week ago with no sunscreen. still red on my stomach a week later and when i take my shirt off it starts snowing.

LOL....I've made that beach mistake quite a few times.

I went to the bank in a wife beater today and the chicks were laughing at me!!

Well atleast I made em smile

[CBGB]

I too walk around with a Hank hill tan. I thought about hitting up a tanning bed to show off my new found glory. Just not sure if I would respect my self afterwards.

[PittBoy]

I too walk around with a Hank hill tan. I thought about hitting up a tanning bed to show off my new found glory. Just not sure if I would respect my self afterwards.

Do it man....it'll make ya feel all purty

[CBGB]

But I already got a purty mouth, what more do I need

[DSM4Life]

I get drivers arm tan to, In fact i have it right now

[CBGB]

Don't forget about raccoon eyes. CBGB

[pyrat]

Can we get a pic of the OP's racing stripes?

[CBGB]

[PittBoy]

But I already got a purty mouth, what more do I need

LOL....I hear banjos

[PittBoy]

Here ya go. I tried to take a direct side shot but with the lighting it wouldn't show up very well. This pic isn't the greatest but you can see the lines!!!

[firmechicano831]

damm bro that even hurts me by looking at it.

[PittBoy]

damm bro that even hurts me by looking at it.

It looks worse than it is today. Doesn't hurt to touch it now atleast!! But a rough shirt will cripple me......

[CBGB]

Pittboy


Do you run faster now that you got your racing stripes?

[CBGB]

LOL....I hear banjos

uncle says I'm the best kisser

[PittBoy]

uncle says I'm the best kisser

Dude......you're killing me LOL

[CBGB]

^^^ What? Are you telling me thats not normal. Everyone has an uncle sticky.........................................rig ht?

CBGB CBGB

[PittBoy]

^^^ What? Are you telling me thats not normal. Everyone has an uncle sticky.........................................rig ht?

CBGB CBGB

There there...it's ok. We all have that special uncle. You're not alone.

My Uncle's name isn't sticky....it's Candy.....and he looks pretty decent in a dress and a handlebar mustache. He says i'm his favorite

[Deltasaurus]

Ouchie!!!!!!

[MMArmour]

As a man that owns a tanning salon It always frustrates me how people believe that if the bed doesnt feel hot then it is not effective. Some of my beds are so well ventilated that you may get slightly warm but it will still burn your ass off.

[pyrat]

FAIL!

That looks painful

[pyrat]

on second look, i just did a lil shivver cuz i know how bad that must feel

[PittBoy]

on second look, i just did a lil shivver cuz i know how bad that must feel

It doesn't hurt anymore but it itches like a mofo!! I was up half the night scratching!!

So for any of you tanning people out there what's the best thing to put on me so I'm not up scratching?