How do you prepare yourself for the loss of a loved one?

[scotty51312]

Not sure this is the place to discuss this but I consider myself a very private person and normally keep to myself in my real life.

My father has been diagnosed with lung and liver cancer. He's 75 years old and in poor health to begin with. He's starting chemotherapy this week, but no ones optomistic. I'd like to think he'll surprise everyone but I'm a realist and I know its only a short matter of time before I'm going to have to say goodbye to my dad.

A friend once told me thats the last part of growing up in a mans life, the loss of his father. Even though I can see the bennifit of the situation and this not being a sudden thing, the time I spend with him we both seem to avoid the subject of death and any unfinished things between us.

I guess i'm asking how you deal with this situation. I've lost family before a brother, but it was sudden so i knew what to do. I grieved and moved on. I almost would prefer that process, but in this case its like I have to start the grieving process weeks or months early.

Anyway thanks for letting me vent

[stack_it]

I've never had a father to lose but couldn't imagine losing my mother and I know I'll be asking the same question to myself one day. The best advice I can give is to clear up any bad blood between the two of you. If there's anything you wanna tell him tell him now before it's too late. There's nothing worse than living with the regret of not telling a passed loved one something that you know you should have.

Sorry to hear about this and hopefully he'll pull through.

[calgarian]

oh boy, thats a touchy subject for me.....my dad died exactly 7 days after I came back and I couldnt even attend his funeral . At least you live close to him. Spend as much time possible with him, rest of your life doesnt matter, work , sleep and be with him he will make sure that he will tell you that he is in peace and dont worry about it.......just do that and you will have the satisfaction that you spend his last days with him......

[jimmyinkedup]

scotty I wish I had some advice to share or wishdom to impart. Unfortunately I dont. Im 42 yrs old , and after losing several close family members and friends , I still dont know how to prepare for it. I dont even know how to deal with it TBH. Each loss is painful and time seems to help me most.
I will say this , at least you are aware and not in denial about the situation and potential outcome. That puts you far ahead of many. So often people deny the situation and act like everything will be ok , only to say after the loved one passes "I wish I would have". I would just try to eliminate any "i wish i would haves" and hope and pray for the best.
You and your father and your family are in my prayers and I wish and hope for all the best.

[SlimmerMe]

As mentioned, try to heal anything and let him know you love him.

Also remember this: your dad is probably more worried about leaving you actually. He wants to make sure you have your life in order and will feel better knowing you do. So make sure he really knows you have your life where you want for it to be so he can be relieved of this concern.

I wish you peace in your heart during this journey.

[Kawigirl]

From my experience Scotty....loosing one parent and deciding on the others life....You can never fully prepare yourself to the emotions you'll have during....after and forever. Everyone deals with death differently in their own individual way. You'll be no different. A lose of a parent is much different than a lose of other relatives depending on your relationship.

My thoughts are with you. And, just when you think you have no more strength to get through....you somehow will. Trust me!

~HUGS

[scotty51312]

Thank you all very much for the kind words and advice, I can use all the support i can get at the moment. And once again thanks

[gbrice75]

Thanks for being so open Scotty, and sorry again to hear about this.

I don't think anybody can ever properly 'prepare' for the death of a loved one. It's going to be devastating no matter how much you think about it ahead of time. You will need to grieve and go through the process regardless. As mentioned above, time is the only answer here.

In the meantime, focus on what you CAN do. Spend time with him. DO talk about your past BS, and do your best to resolve it. Not to sound morbid, but none of it will matter when he's gone, so deal with it now. You both deserve to be in peace over whatever it is. Tell him you love him. Make sure he knows it, feels it. This is the best advice I can give you bro, stay strong.

[MBMETC]

Thank you all very much for the kind words and advice, I can use all the support i can get at the moment. And once again thanks

ok confirmed my estrogen is high i could barley make 2 sentences and now im all chocked up and ready to cry my eyes out. sorry to hear scotty i cant offer you any advice as to how to prepare yourself i can only say to take comfort in the fact that if he is suffering he will be in a better place and im sure you have made him proud and he loved you very much and vise versa.

[olderfella]

Stay strong for your dad give him all the emotional support you can and say what needs to be said if anything,just be there for him best you can,my thoughts are with you both

[scotty51312]

ok confirmed my estrogen is high i could barley make 2 sentences and now im all chocked up and ready to cry my eyes out. sorry to hear scotty i cant offer you any advice as to how to prepare yourself i can only say to take comfort in the fact that if he is suffering he will be in a better place and im sure you have made him proud and he loved you very much and vise versa.

I'm actually on 2nd week of PCT so i can understand that man. It really adds to the emotional rollercoaster

[RaginCajun]

scotty, its good that you are realizing how precious your father and your relationship is. do not give up hope that he won't make it thru chemotherapy. i understand that you are trying to be 'real', but reality is that he can beat this thing and can live a normal life again. the fact that you are taking the time to write this shows that you really care for him and like everyone said before me, go spend the time with him and forget about the bitter differences. bring up old times and especially all the funny and mischievous things that yall have encountered. good luck to you and your family!

[Public Enemy]

So sorry to hear that. There really is no way to prepare for it emotionally because it hits hard at the heart. But what you can do is speak with your old man more and tell him things you didn't admit to him before. Tell him how much you appreciated spending time with him, how happy he really made you feel, how he has never let you down and that he certainly was a great father, and go back into memory lane with him. And listen to what he has to say because he knows whats best for you and hold on to his advice. Also make him proud and work hard at being the best you can be, so that he can know how well he raised his boy. I am sure every parent would want nothing more before their death then to know that their son or daughter is happy and successful.

[MR-FQ320]

Sorry to your news man, all I can say is be strong and be there for him and the rest of your family.

[jtuner77]

Scotty I am new to the forum and I don't know you but I feel your pain. I think the best thing to do is spend all the time you can with him and give him what he gave you when he brought you into this world, time and attention. It's sounds cheesy but as him if there is anything he may want to do. I know it's a hard topic to approach as you dont want him to think you assume him not making it but put it out there that if by chance he doesnt is there anything that he wants to do while he is still on this earth.

I know first hand when i watched my grandmother die this is what my father did and she and he embraced it and went with it and I can tell you what in the moment it was nothing better to see then my father and grandmother smile.

Now I am at the point where my father and mother are in there mid 70's and I see my dad "forgetting" and it scares me to have to think about what I will have to do and when they pass how alone I will feel in this world. My parents are all I have and it sucks to know that and feel weak and alone in that way but as you said I think this is the final step into being a man and truly 100% being able to face the world on your own with no one behind you "just in case."

I wish your father the best.

[Times Roman]

I guess I'll find out when the time comes. Never lost an immediate family member. My pops is in his 70's, but he should make it to at least 80 is what i'm thinking. we shall see......

[wmaousley]

So Sorry to hear about your fathers situation. The best thing to do is always expect the worst and hope for the best in times like this. Spend as much time with him as you can without discussing his illness, always stay positive with him and try not to get upset too often, it will only make him feel wrost and he may blame himself for your unhappiness. This will be hard for a while but keeping high spirits from now untill death will help you in the end. Now focus on your fathers happiness and forget about yourself as you will have plenty of time to greive the loss later.

Keep your head up, this is natural and will happen to all of us!

[DSM4Life]

I use to hear all my life "life is precious." You don't understand the true meaning of that until you lose someone close to you. You begin to see just how fragile life is which makes you appreciate it more. I agree with WM, don't worry about your grieving now. I'd rather know when someone is going to die a head of time so you can give your final goodbye's and right all your wrongs with that person. Enjoy what time you have with him now.

[Hunter]

I went through almost the exact same thing with my father. He passed due to cancer as well. You have to spend time with them. We looked at photo's and told stories, its funny the different things people remember from the same event. We had a great relationship so there wasn't much to air out. He gave me the final advice for life long before I needed it.

No matter what he is your father and he loves you. All you can do is be there for him. There is no preparing for it, I tried to it and it didnt work. Enjoy your time with him and stay positive.