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  1. #1
    Shredz is offline Respected Member
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    Joke of the Day!

    A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
    animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first,
    but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the
    following:
    "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
    once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and a pee
    twice. Then I come one lasta time."
    "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we
    don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
    "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'am a justa
    tellin'a my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.



  2. #2
    Strut99GT's Avatar
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    LMAO!
    Last edited by Strut99GT; 01-23-2003 at 09:20 AM.

  3. #3
    Strut99GT's Avatar
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    Here's one that's even funnier

    A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

    "You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we
    started swearing."

    The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

    "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you
    swear after me, ok?"

    "Ok, Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

    The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants
    for breakfast.

    "Oh sh!t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"

    WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got
    up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

    She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,

    "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man????"

    "I don't know," he blubbers, "... but it won't be f!cking Coco Pops."

  4. #4
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    A chicken and a peanut are walking down the street.

    The peanut turns to the chicken and says, "This is the worst joke I've ever been in!"

    Red

  5. #5
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    This is radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

    Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision.

    Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid collision.

    Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision.

    Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again divert YOUR course.

    Canadians: No I say again divert YOUR course.

    Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!!!!.

    Canadians: This is the Lighthouse.......Your call.

    Red

  6. #6
    Diesel's Avatar
    Diesel is offline Anabolic Member
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    Oldie but a goodie shredz.

    D

  7. #7
    palme's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Strut99GT
    Here's one that's even funnier

    A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

    "You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we
    started swearing."

    The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

    "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you
    swear after me, ok?"

    "Ok, Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

    The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants
    for breakfast.

    "Oh sh!t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"

    WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got
    up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

    She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,

    "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man????"

    "I don't know," he blubbers, "... but it won't be f!cking Coco Pops."

  8. #8
    Shredz is offline Respected Member
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    Originally posted by Red Ketchup
    This is radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

    Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision.

    Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid collision.

    Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision.

    Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again divert YOUR course.

    Canadians: No I say again divert YOUR course.

    Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!!!!.

    Canadians: This is the Lighthouse.......Your call.

    Red
    Heard this one the other night...I LOVE IT!!!!!

  9. #9
    FireFighter's Avatar
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    Q- A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 6th grade. Which one has the biggest boobs?

    A- The blonde, cuz shes 18!!

    N'yuck N'yuck N'yuck! ahha

  10. #10
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    The young Mexican girl is pregnant. The school is asking why she is pregnant.

    She says the teacher told her to have sex for a homework assignment.

    The teacher says I never said that.

    And she says yes you did, you told us our homework was to "do an essay".

    JohnnyB

  11. #11
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    One day a man with three kids was sitting down in his chair reading the newspaper. His first daughter approached him and said
    "daddy, why is my name rose?"
    the dad replied "because when you were young a rose fell on your head, so we called you rose."

    the second daughter came down and said
    "Daddy, why is my name tulip?"
    "Because when you were younger a tulip fell on your head so we called you tulip"

    the third child came down and said
    (in mongoloid voice) "niiimuuahhhhhh"
    "SHUT UP CINDER BLOCK!!!!"

  12. #12
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    Originally posted by symatech

    the third child came down and said
    (in mongoloid voice) "niiimuuahhhhhh"
    "SHUT UP CINDER BLOCK!!!!"
    Ahhh I love it!

    Anyone for real sick jokes? I've got a few choice ones but I don't often bring 'em out in public

    Red

  13. #13
    BOB HAD BITCH TITS's Avatar
    BOB HAD BITCH TITS is offline Associate Member
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    How many guys does it take to open a beer?

    NONE! The bitch should have it open by the time she gets to the couch,

    hehe sorry ladies just playin

  14. #14
    numbers505's Avatar
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    365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year

    2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

    453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

    Smart man + smart woman = romance
    Smart man + dumb woman = affair
    Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
    Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

    what do you expect.... im a mathematician! ;-)

  15. #15
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    Re: highly offensive...

    Originally posted by dickrenegade
    highly offensive joke...

    question: what's the best part about showering with an 11 year old girl??
    answer: you can slick her hair back and make her look 8!

    Equally offensive reply


    This guy is fucking his girlfriend and is pumping hard. With every thrust he grunts and she screams out "The pain!"
    He thrusts, she screams "The pain!"
    He thrusts, she screams "The pain!"
    He thrusts, she screams "The pain! The pain is excruciating!"
    Surprised he stops, looks in her eyes and says "Excruciating? Thats a pretty big word for a six year old!"



    (Believe it or not I heard that joke from one of the secretaries at work!!!)

    Red

  16. #16
    Madmax's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Red Ketchup
    This is radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

    Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision.

    Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid collision.

    Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision.

    Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again divert YOUR course.

    Canadians: No I say again divert YOUR course.

    Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!!!!.

    Canadians: This is the Lighthouse.......Your call.

    Red


    in canada they must not be smart enought to let a light house run with out human control..in america our light houses don't need to have people inside them...the people that control boats over here know what their doing...you canadians crack me up..lol..j/k...Madmax..

  17. #17
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    Madmax ... you know whats the scariest thing about our Royal Canadian Navy?

    The West-Edmonton Mall (a rather huge shopping centre in Alberta) has 3 working submarines in an indoor lake.

    The Canadian Navy has 2 working subs...

    Huh?

    Red

  18. #18
    Madmax's Avatar
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    wierd bro..Madmax...

  19. #19
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    Re: for all canadians...

    Originally posted by dickrenegade
    "what's the difference between a canoe and a cannuck?"
    "a canoe can tip."


    And what does American beer and having sex in a canoe have in common?

    They're both fucking close to water!

    Red

  20. #20
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    You guys are killing me.

  21. #21
    cooksbrut is offline Associate Member
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    thank god TNT isn't here anymore.... half the board would be banned after these ones.... funniest shit I've hear in a while

  22. #22
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    Originally posted by cooksbrut
    thank god TNT isn't here anymore.... half the board would be banned after these ones.... funniest shit I've hear in a while
    Well, whats the point in living if we can't poke a little fun at ourselves Besides we're all friends here.

    Red

  23. #23
    daem's Avatar
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    proof women are evil

    Although this is kind of old, a friend emailed it to me today and I couldn't help but posting it for those who havn't seen it.


    First, we state that women require time and money.

    WOMEN = TIME * MONEY
    And as we all know "Time is Money"

    Time = Money
    Therefore:

    WOMEN = MONEY * MONEY = (MONEY)²
    And because we know that Money is the Root of All Evil:
    ............... _____
    MONEY = ¬¦ EVIL

    Therefore we get:
    ................. ____
    WOMEN = (¬¦ EVIL)²
    So now we are forced to conclude that:

    WOMEN = EVIL

    Don't hate me ladies.

  24. #24
    Terinox's Avatar
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    YOU KILL ME!

  25. #25
    Cali's Avatar
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    LMAO!! These are good! Keep them comin'!!

  26. #26
    Shredz is offline Respected Member
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    Italian, Irishman and a Newfie are sitting a top of a highrise building about 30 stories up having there lunch.

    The Italian man says "I have had pasta everyday for lunch since we started this damn building. If I get pasta tomorrow I am jumping off this place."

    The Irishman looks at his lunch and says "I have had Irish stew everyday for lunch since we started this damn building. If I get Irish stew tomorrow I am jumping off this place too."

    The newfie looks in his lunch box and says "I have had peanut butter and jam sandwichs everyday for lunch since we started this damn building. If I get a peanut butter and jam sandwich tomorrow I am jumping off this place with both of you"

    The next day the Italian opens his lunch to find pasta. Off he goes. The Irishman opens his lunch to find Irish stew off he goes. Then the newfie opens his lunch and finds a peanut butter and jam sandwich. Off he goes.

    The next day all the wives are at the funeral and the Italian wife says " If I only knew that my husband didn't want pasta I would have never put it in there"

    The Irish wive says "If I knew my husband didn't want anymore Irish stew I would have never put it in there"

    Then the newfie wife says with a very puzzled look on her face "You know what I don't understand??? My husband made his own lunchs"


  27. #27
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    What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A salad shooter!

  28. #28
    Shredz is offline Respected Member
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    The Art of Lovemaking!!

    The Italian says, "When I've a finished makina da love with my girlfriend,
    I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floatsa 6 inches
    abovea da bed in ecstasy.

    The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah'ave finished making ze love to ze girlfriend, Ah kiss way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy.

    The Newfie says, "Dat's nuttin bye! When I finish doin my missus, I gets
    out of bed, walks over to da window, and wipes me dick on the curtains. She hits da fuckin' roof every time."

  29. #29
    Xtrastrength's Avatar
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    A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his zipper. The bartender says, "Hey captain, you know there's a steering wheel hanging from your zipper?" And the pirate replies, "Aye, it's driving me nuts!"

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