sexless marriage

[depdaddy]

i know this is the wrong forum for this but this is the one i read the most so im looking for some honest opinions here..let me give you a little run down..second marriage 2 years..lived with her for 1 year prior have known my wife for over 4 years..when we first got together sex was great,several times a week...i have 2 stepchildren who live with me 4 and 9..just until last month my wife let the 4 year old sleep with us even though i complained..she would get mad and say she didnt understand what the problem was..sex slowly dwindled to 3-4 times a month..then the 9 year old decided she was to scared to sleep in her bed so my wife let her come sleep in our bed until i got home from work..i also complained about this because i said this would later cause problems..when i would get home and put her in her room she would come back several times until my wife got up and slept with her..2 months ago we bought a full size bed for the girls to sleep together so they wouldnt be scared..problem now is they expect my wife to sleep with them..school is out so the 9 year old will stay up until 1-2am and expect her mom to stay in the bed with her..i work 2 jobs i get up at 5am and usually get home around 12am..at the end of my day i would at least like to cuddle up with my wife..however she refuses to come to bed with me until the kids are asleep...when she does come in there it is 2-3 am and ive got to get up a few hours later...does this seem normal to anyone out there or is it just me...as far as sex goes she always tells me (tomorow night i promise) however the same thing happens the next night..if i touch her or try to hold her when she comes to bed she rolls away and tells me not to bother her...she gets mad at me if i try to wake her up in the mornings before i go to work...when we do have sex she doesnt touch me...i think she has only kissed me(open mouthed) about 4 times in a year and thats usually when she is drunk..i havent received oral sex in 2 years..she refuses to wear lingere or anything sexy to bed...dont know what to do..i love her more than anything in the world and would never cheat on her but im getting frustrated with the sex life...what should i do..just leave it alone and wait til the kids get out of college for sex?..anyone elses wife do this to them...my strong indications tell me she doesnt really love me but just doesnt know how to tell me..when i want sex im usually told to go jack off..or she doesnt care about my problems..i dont think she cheats on me just doesnt have time for me in this life

[Pete235]

Dude, I feel your pain. That would kill me! If I were in your shoes I would strongly urge her to go to couples counselling. It sounds like there are issues with the not only you, but with the children and I think she needs to seek some counselling in reagrds to that. Having both kids sleep with her every night is a problem for them (and it will only get worse if they are not allowed to grow) but it is more of a problem for her in the fact that she allows it every night. Talk to her husband and wife, tell her exactly how you feel and ask her if she will do this for you. That is what I would do and that is all I can suggest. Good luck and let us know how it works out.

[Pheedno]

Sounds like their is more to the problem than kids too scared to sleep by themsleves.
All you can do is sit down and talk with her bro. Explain your feelings, affections, emotions, and frustrations. Allow her to do the same and after both have expressed the details of each others view, maybe a solution can be made.

[F40]

I am not a regular, and in no way a marriage consellor but even I can provide sensible advice:
You MUST talk to her about this. FOR GOD SAKE - TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL.... *including how much you love her*.
If there are any 'issues' perhaps they can be dealt with NOW rather than after months and months of the problem.. Prolonging the problem may cause the issue to spiral out of control so sit her down and DO IT QUICKLY.
It will not be easy and you need to prepare yourself for the absolute worst - she may well tell you something that you don't like... either way perhaps you need to hear it.

Life is VERY short and the worst thing you can do, is to squander it by doing something for years and years that makes you unhappy...

Bear in mind I said TALK TO HER - (I have not used the word confront).... this is important.
With tenderness and love in your voice tell her how you feel... I hope it works out my friend.

GOOD LUCK.

[gundam675]

F40 is so right man, im still real young, and i think u should TELL HER ABOUT IT. even if its a small argument, damn man, its so early in your marriage to go through bs like this.

Good luck !

[TheMudMan]

I would take the advice from the other guys. But I would ask her if she's still in love with you and not just loves you. There's a big difference in the two. How you feel and the way she feels are two different things and if one person doesn't feel the same way then there's no need to go further anymore.

Life's way too short to wait for someone that may never come around.

I hope it works out for you.

[NoLimits]

And please, don't make the sex the issue of the talk. Intimacy is something that is shared between two people who love and care for each other. If you go into the talk just wanting to talk about why the two of you are not having sex, she will just think that is all you think about and you will get the opposite response you are probably hoping for. Talk about the real problems... why she is spending more time in the children’s beds then in hers. If she isn't feeling attractive could be a problem as well. Just get her to talk. Ask her out to dinner, get a baby sitter and spend some alone time with her. I wish you the best with your problem. Good luck and like Pete said, let us know how it goes.

[ichiban]

depdaddy, Here is a girl's point of view ( if that matters!)

I think all of the guys are right on when they say talk to her. Just make sure it's a talk, don't make her feel like anything is all her fault because then she will get defensive and then you have an fight on your hands. I think your wife might have some self esteem issues when it comes to the no sex thing. I know that if I fell bad about myself the last thing I want to do is get naked in front of the person I love! If she doesn't feel sexy then she won't or can't be sexy. Maybe remind her of how beautiful and sexy you think she is? You MUST have time together for your selves, maybe hire a babysitter or a nanny for a weekend and go stay in a posh hotel together!?

For the past 2 summers I was a nanny for 2 differant families, so knowing kids was my life! All children ( well allmost all) want to sleep in bed with mom and dad because they are scared, etc. However.....it is not always right. It's OK for young children to sleep with mom and dad ONLY if there is a valid reason ( a storm, etc.) otherwise it is NOT allright. It's not about the sleeping with mom anymore, but about getting what they want! It has become a behavior problem at this point.

I guess that's all I can offer. I hope something helps. I hope you and your wife work things out. Good luck and best wishes!

[LAGMuXle]

Hmmmm..... sounds like my girlfriend and I... heh, I agree with everything that all the guys have said... except - the counseling thing - don't suggest that off the bat, becuase as ichiban said, she will get defensive... and if you meantion counseling right up front she might get super defensive over that topic. But I sincerely think there is somehting else going on with that topic, not just the kids being scared... think it over really well, and talk to her about it. It's the best route to take, becuase you can't live your life wondering what's going on with her.

Good Luck Bro,

MuX

[DADDYDBOL]

Man your not going to like this but look after yourself also. You are half of that marrige and by your comments you have done some serious thinking. Sounds like you work your ass off supporting your family which I got give you props but in the long run look out for you and your kids. I had a short marrige early in life so don't waste time if your differnces can't be taken care of. You have kids which I didn't so that is going play a huge role in your decisions. Good luck.

[Rsox1]

dude i am the king of messed up realtionships, First that sux dude, being immature i would rip one out on her side of the sheets just before she came back into bed at night(give her a hint). but on the serious side her kids are always going to come first, don't try to fight it or you will lose. To be honest not to sound paranoid but women have urges too see if she maybee found a piece of plastic to replace you or maybe a dude because it doesn't seem right that a women would lose her sex drive from what it was, to nothing and if she still has a sex drives she is getting off from somewhere. Its a tough issue but sex is very important in a relationship and anyone who tells you otherwise have never gone without it or just do it to procreate, Something needs to be done because you can;t go through your adult life working 20 hours and day and not getting any, thats not fair for her to do to you and if she loves you that much she wantes to make you happy (oral sex) just my $.02, but see how sensitive all us juice heads really are it brings a single tear to my eye lol , I would just take a lotta decca and forget about sex 4-eva, j/k good luck

[SubmissionGrappler]

Have one talk about it and if you don't get some respect and love,Just divorce her ass and get a real woman that loves you and your cock.You would'nt be the first nor the last to have to make that decision..Life is too short to go wasting it on some dried up poontang .I love my wife and my child but I won't let her make me into some fuckin girlie man beggin for my vitamin P.Women respect you when you take control and lead them,don't believe all the bullshit .Thats my honest opinion take it or leave it.

[neubin]

I feel for you man...I would think since it has gone on for so long just talking to her probably wont help a whole lot..From what your saying, she doesnt seem to understand your point of view...I think that going to therapy would be best for both of you..Maybe she has some other issues and they are not all about whats going on with you and her...

Good luck..

[righton]

Hmmm...since your at work most of the time she might have something going on the side!!!

[Powerball]

Kinda reminds me of a woman I lived with for about 6 months. She had 2 spoiled kids too. (4 and 8) I thought I loved her very very much. Even after we broke up I was heartbroken for quite sometime. Then I moved on and dated and after looking back at the whole thing I think....
THANK YOU GOD IM NOT WITH THAT &*@())# anymore.
Point is you can be happier then that. Cheat on her if you think that would help you ease out of it, but I would just get your own place and start living life the way you should live. Cuz your not really living right now. Hope this helps. My advice - dump her

[ichiban]

Ummmm......I would strongly suggest that you DON'T cheat on her. People who cheat are just weak! (in my opinion)

[Rickson]

I think you really need to find out why sex is no longer important to her. It may very well be hormonal and can be easily fixed. It could also be a self esteem issue as ichiban said. Sex should be important to both parties in a relationship. Like others said sit her down in a non confrontational way and find out what is going on. Don't try to fix it while you have been fighting.

[Big_BoneZ]

if you really want to know if she cares, try NOT coming home after work, sleep over at one of ur bros place or a god damned hotel room for a few nights, see if it bothers her. If it doesnt bother her man, that would mean she is seeing someone else, as you are out from 5 to midnight, and if she aint working.... she GOTTA have someone else.

ONE talk and cut her out, ur working two jobs for WHAT - kids that arent yours, and THATS the fuckin respect u get?

[hellapimpin]

sounds like someone else ...take a day off and dont tell her and pop up on her..then there is no excuses...no kids at the time..etc

[BUYLONGTERM]

Bro, I feel for you...But, the same thing happended to me. 11 years into the marriage and next thing I know she slept and now is moving in my my X friend. Talk about an ass whooping. Anyway, She could be cheating, but dealing with the kids all day, she just might not be in the mood. #1 thing is a relationship is COMMUNITCATION. Best of luck to you.

[depdaddy]

just thought i would give everyone an update...had long talk and argument with my wife the other night...things seem to be better here on the home front..she has agreed to meet me in the middle..promisses me sex at least 3 times a week..and to put the kids in their own beds at night..they now have a descent bed time..will be tough for a while but she is at least willing to work on our problems...when we were talking she brought up issues that i havent been there for her emotionally for quite some time..working 2 jobs i thought i was helping the family out finacially but i was slowly tearing my relationship apart..thanks for everyones inputs both good and bad..helped me realize i need to fix some problems in my life before i blame all my problems on someone else...money is good but doesnt do you any good if you are not happy...also as one of my jobs im a personal trainer----majority of my clients are females 25-45 so this can also cause some insecurities in my marriage..i guess i wasnt giving my wife enough security as well

thanks depdaddy

[UltimateFighter]

Unless your kids are in danger......let them be scared. Shut the door- and tell them DO NOT KNOCK ON MY DOOR UNLESS ITS AN EMERGENCY. They will get used to it soon enough. I have a baby and my wife was bringing her to bed with us when she cried- now she just cries. 30 mins and she is back to sleep in her own bed.

In my opinion- the kids are not your problem bro- its your jobs. How can you expect to maintain a family when you are gone 19 hours a day.

1) God
2) Family
3) work

[Dirk D.]

Originally posted by UltimateFighter
Unless your kids are in danger......let them be scared. Shut the door- and tell them DO NOT KNOCK ON MY DOOR UNLESS ITS AN EMERGENCY. They will get used to it soon enough. I have a baby and my wife was bringing her to bed with us when she cried- now she just cries. 30 mins and she is back to sleep in her own bed.

In my opinion- the kids are not your problem bro- its your jobs. How can you expect to maintain a family when you are gone 19 hours a day.

1) God
2) Family
3) work

Well Said! Dude, jsut talk to her! the quality of your marriage is directly related to the quality of the communication you and your wife have.

[ichiban]

depdaddy

Good for you! I'm so happy that things are going in the right direction! I can see how your wife might feel ignored or less important when you spend your time workingout with hot chicks all day!! I know it's your job.....just giving you a girl's point view. Good for her for setting things straight with her kids. The kids might be mad at her now, but I promise, it will pass. Not to get to personal, but I hope when she promised it was because she wanted to...

Anyway, Good Luck---Ichi

[MR BICEPS]

Heres my advise. I've been a counselor in my past job so I feel you need to consider these five points.
When a woman denies you sexually it means one of four things:
1. Shes mad at you for something
2. Shes cheating on you
3. Shes not getting the kind of sexual relation from you shes needs. You can send me a private e-mail and I can explain to you further whats probably missing on the sexual end.
4. Shes over worked to the maxed
5. She has a low sex drive due to low testosterone levels and need .02% testosterone cream to build her sex drive back up.
Theres two books out my motherinlaw bought my wife and I. The book I read talked about how a woman thinks and her needs. The other book for my wife talked about how men need sex to have a happy mariage. I can give you the title and name of these books if you PM me.

Good luck
4. Shes

[Iron Bronco]

I don't frequent this board very often but felt for you at the start of the thread. You've gotten some good advice from several of the bro's here; disregard those that just want you to play some stupid games. All that winds up doing is creating a larger mess. Those that have advocated dumping her without trying to resolve the problems are usually unable to maintain a long lasting relationship. So why accept advice from those cookies? Good luck. Just bear in mind your marriage must fulfill needs of both spouses.

[cooksbrut]

its either your jobs as one fellow said or she is cheating. Either way you need to talk to her. Take a night off and plan a romantic evening for the two of you away..... away from the kids spend the money and go to a "love shack". In my area there are place such as the "Inn of the Dove" and "The Feathers nest" or the Ceasers Resorts Honeymoon villas in the Mountains. This way you can see how it is with no distractions. If she still doesn't want to get intimate then at least she has no where to go but to confront the problem.... just my 2 cents