02-04-2002, 01:16 AM #1
Genesis- Juicer's Version (You'll like this, trust me.)
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth, and darkness was all around. And God said, "Let there be light". And there was light, and God saw that was good.
On the 2nd day, God said "Let the earth bring forth the grass, the flowers, and the trees", he gathered them all together and created the Garden of Eden. And then God made the beast of the earth, and cattle, and everything that swam in the sea and this was for the meat. And God called the meat protein, and although it needed a little salt when he cooked it, he tasted it and thought it was good.
On the third day, God created man in his own image; and created male and females. And God blessed them, and God said unto them "Be fruitful, multiply, replenish the earth, and have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the fowl of the air, and over ever living thing that moveth upon the earth". But , God left out the muscles and instead God created the gym and sent forth man to train and build his body himself in order to earn such domination, and he thought that this way was good.
On the fourth day, God looked down and saw that man wasn't packing on any mass. This was not good. So a great light descended upon the earth and Gpod appeared and spoke to man." I have given you the fish of the sea, the fowl of the air, and every living thing that moveth upon the earth so that you would have enough protein. I have given you the gym to train in and taught you to train. I created bodybuilding and fitness babes to keep you motivated. Why art thou so small?"
Then a great heap of fire appeared from the earth and the devil erupted and spoke to God "Man is so small because he does not know me". The devil than created steroids , androgens, growth hormone , and syringes and bestowed them upon man and said "use them all of you, and you will grow big and ripped." God struck down on the deviil with a mighty bolt of lightning and created the forbidden tree where he hung the devil's drugs and summoned a great serpent to guard the devils drugs.
On the fifth day God created androstenedione, 4-androstenedione, 19-androstenedione, androstenediol, and its 4,5,17,and 19 varities, tribulus teresstris, growh hormone stimulators, hormone-releasing peptides, plant sterols, methoxy isoflavones, testosterone "boosters", dozens of magical herbs and precursors to the devil's brew and told him man to only use these things, for if he accepted the devil's way and used the actual hormones, man would be cast from the garden and banished forever.
On the 6th day man tried God's creations and nothing happened. (ain't that the truth). Then Eve returned from the tree and gave man his first shot of sustanon . Although it hurt a little, he saw that it was good. God saw this and was furious and once again a great light decended upon the earth and God appeared and spoke to the man. "What is this that thou hast done? Thou hast hearkened unto the voice of the devil and hast taken the drugs of which i commanded shall not". Then man said "But your shit was too expensive and it didn't work." God became enraged and banished man from who used these drugs from the garden and told them n ever to return. Man had nowhere to go, so he shacked up with the devil at his gym and really started geezing the juice and the man grew huge and lean and very strong.
On the seventh day, while God was resting, man decided he couldn't take the heat in the devil's gym anymore and returned and kicked all those punk-ass, wimpy, motherfuckers who didn't use the devil's drugs out of the garden and took over. When God returned, the gym was filled with huge ripped bodybuilders and the devil was the front desk, and hip-hop was blasting on the stereo while man lifted with ferocious intensity.
God's fury ignited and once again a great light descended upon the earth and God appeared and spoke to man. "Why have thou forsaken me? I have banished thee from the garden because thou hast taken the devil's drugs that i commanded thou shalt not" Then the devil said" Yo G, can't you see my shit works? If you didn't want them to use it, why didn't you just create a big ripped man in the first place?" God thought a minute and looked around admiring the huge ripped bodybuilders and realized he'd fucked up. So, God left the gym and left to train and to use the devil's drugs if they wanted, and God saw that is just the way it is.
-"Ragin" John Romano (March 2002- Muscular Development)
This took forever to type, so please enjoy it.
Last edited by PaPaPumP; 02-04-2002 at 01:38 AM.
02-04-2002, 01:24 AM #2
Did this guy rewrite the entire bible? If so, I want a copy!
02-04-2002, 05:04 PM #3
very good stuff,
02-04-2002, 05:23 PM #4
"BUST A MOVE"
02-04-2002, 05:35 PM #5
That is great! I am still laughing my a** off. Where do people come up with this stuff.
02-04-2002, 06:22 PM #6
Pretty good I have that isuue too!
02-04-2002, 10:46 PM #7
Gosh, Dancer went and posted this at another site. . .and he got ripped to shreds. They are going to delete it.
I'm sorry if this offends anyone, I am a Christian as well, and this does not offend me at all because I understand it was written for humor. . .not for people getting mad at other people. So, if anyone has a problem with this. . .either PM me about it. . .or just lighten up a tad.
02-05-2002, 12:38 PM #8
ripped is one word for it.... oh well
11-17-2003, 01:07 PM #9New Member
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- new jersey
Funny As Hell Bro. D
11-17-2003, 01:12 PM #10AR-Hall of Famer / Retired
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- Aug 2001
- Wherever necessary
But lets face it, we all know that this is an apostate version - the REAL story is that of course God created the good stuff and then the Devil perverted mens minds to give the DEA jurisdiction over them with the Anabolic Control Act.
Then in his most insidiously fendish plot ever he created EAS, ruled by his underling Bill Philips, who told people that indeed the trash and worthless supplements that his company and others made "can make you freaky huge and completely ripped!" - and lo the devil deceived many. But his perverse and foul prohormones were but a shadow of the real things that God had made, giving no benefits but costing far more and having greater undesireable sides (the devil has a thing for men with titties).
Yea, and there were other appostate appostles, like Jeff Summers ("Steroid Guru" ) who worshiped the devil and his perversions and decieved and defiled many with the message.
Even so, this was not good enough for the devil, who proceeded to use his most trusted ally and friend, the media, to make all real juice seem evil and those who used them to be violent criminals seething with uncontrollable rage and stupid, mindless cheaters who cannot built their own body without help "from the darkside" - and thus decieved, the public began to call good, evil and evil, good.
And even this was not enough, for the devil of course was very proud and he saw how stupid men had become - so to make fun of them he used another unwitting ally, the medical profession, to declare that "steroids dont work" and arent responsible for the huge quivering mountains of muscles on ronnie coleman (yet proscribing them for older men to "increase lean body mass and energy levels").
Thus the devils triumph was complete for a time, the DEA making them illegal because they do work, the public and medical community believing that they dont work and that anyone who takes them dies 7 days later unless its for HRT and then it is actually healthy for you and legal too.
but that is not the end of the story boys and girls..... because God in his mercy and wisdom gave man GH, slin and IGF1 to help them through those evil times until His friends at various genetic research labs had finished their work and the "salvation" of man and womenkind be revealed...
11-17-2003, 02:04 PM #11
Very nice story. If someone can't appreciate the humor in this, there is something wrong with them and the world they are living in. Lighten up a little. Sorry to hear about your new a-hole, Dancer!
11-17-2003, 02:18 PM #12
That kicked ass. I needed a little entertainment.
11-17-2003, 03:31 PM #13
11-17-2003, 03:40 PM #14
What Jeff Summers stuff is shit
11-17-2003, 04:36 PM #15
11-17-2003, 04:39 PM #16Anabolic Member
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- Jan 2003
- under some plywood sheets
01-14-2004, 08:08 PM #17
cycleon that was rather impressive
01-14-2004, 08:40 PM #18
very funny, i like it!
01-14-2004, 08:40 PM #19
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