Problems with my girl

[Noles12]

I feel your pain. A very close female friend of mine whom I've known very well over 30+ years has a similar pattern, although not caused the same. She too has negative feelings about sex and had very poor role models growing up (mom slept with her, dad in the other room). She is sometimes willing to give oral, but thinks receiving oral is dirty or wrong. She experimented watching porn when she was younger, but thinks it's wrong now, or is at least very uncomfortable with it. She has some serious fidelity issues. The stars and the moon have to line up for her to be in the mood for sex.

There are two possibilities:
1) She is like this anyways, and him touching her is inconsequential, or...
2) There is a direct link (cause and effect) between him touching her and her being "cool" to you.

What I do know is that this isn't something she is going to "grow" out of, or some kind of a phase. Again, there are three possibilities:
1) She will NOT go to counsilling and will NOT change.
2) She will go to counsilling and will NOT change.
3) She will go to counsilling and WILL change.

The beginning of any relationship I call the honeymoon phase, like looking through rose colored glasses.... both are in new love, only see the positive, not the negative, eager to please, everything is still exciting... this could last up to 18 months. This is when she was more willing, eager to please, playful. But after the 18 months, things started settling down, got more comfortable, and the real her started coming through. This is pretty much how she is going to be. This is the steady state phase.

Anyways, you have some thinking to do. 1) Are you OK if she doesn't change? 2) If you are lucky enough to talk her into counsilling, chances are, you will have to go too. Ready for that? 3) If 2, then what happens if no improvement?

From what I've seen, this is going to be a fundamental change. And even though fundamental change is possible, it only happens in a minority of cases, and only for those that seek change.

You got your work cut out for you bro'

My girl is so against porn. She seems insecure and i think he caused it.

I love her as much as the day i met her. We have been together for 3 years. But this causes upset between the two of us because either i am wrong for trying to get her aroused or i get mad subconciously because i feel liek she isnt attracted to me the way she used to be. Sex is the basis of my relationship but i think this is having a negative effect on us

[Times Roman]

My girl is so against porn. She seems insecure and i think he caused it.

I love her as much as the day i met her. We have been together for 3 years. But this causes upset between the two of us because either i am wrong for trying to get her aroused or i get mad subconciously because i feel liek she isnt attracted to me the way she used to be. Sex is the basis of my relationship but i think this is having a negative effect on us

Libido mismatch is a difficult thing to overcome. It's clear you are an intelligent individual, so I'm sure you've done all the reading about arousal techniques and such. You haven't mentioned kids in the house, but I DO know that kids in the house for a woman can be a libido killer.

Why do I sound like I know so much? Cause I've been with the same woman for 25 years, and I've been through everything you are mentioning and more. Sometimes I'd get so frustrated I'd be the one withholding sex to "teach her a lesson". (I know, immature).

Your only chance of overcoming this libido imbalance is to reduce yours (not recommended) or increase hers. Has she had her hormone levels checked? Is she open to counsilling? Do you guys ever get the opportunity for some alone time away from the house?

[40plusnewbie]

My girl is so against porn. She seems insecure and i think he caused it.

I love her as much as the day i met her. We have been together for 3 years. But this causes upset between the two of us because either i am wrong for trying to get her aroused or i get mad subconciously because i feel liek she isnt attracted to me the way she used to be. Sex is the basis of my relationship but i think this is having a negative effect on us

It is. Times Roman is exactly right. He knows what he is talking about. Unfortunately I am in my first and only long term relationship, which is a marriage and our 'cruising phase' sucks compared to the honnymoon phase. My wife changed so much (she said I did to, who am I to say she's wrong, but whatever).

I got married after moving in with my wife and being together for about 2 years. Then things changed, for the worse. Lots of ups and downs instead of ups and ups and a flatline (rather than a down) here and there prior to moving in together (18mo ~ 2yrs).

I do not think that I would ever move in with a woman again until at least 3 years or more of dating and would absolutely never get married again until at least 6 years of being together. I'm a young looking 43, people think I"m like 33, and will be going after chicks in their 20's for the most part. If I ever decide I want to have an exclusive relationship again (I never had one until my wife when I was in my mid 30's) I will have no problem at all explaining it exactly like Times Roman says, I don't care if she is says I am the man of her dreams, SHE will WAIT until I am READY, or she just doesn't really care about me the way she claims.

I hung in there for the wrong reasons for too long. I'm not saying you should bail, but what Times Roman says is EXACTLY RIGHT.