Seeking some good relationship advice

**J-Dogg** · 02-22-2005, 01:22 AM

Forgive me bros and gals, this may get long.

I've been with my girl friend for 3 years. We have grown to love each other very much. She is an alchohalic and has very low self esteem, cannot say no. I've accepted this and tried to help her though hard times, I've always been there to support her, even when she refuses advice.

My brother came home from Iraq this summer, in July. We were not always close, but became very close and I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could. I'm sure you all can understand why, worrying my ass off about him all year. I had him move in with us, to help him get on his feeet. He is going to college, stays here rent free and I'm happy to help him in this way.

I'm sure most of you have already figured it out, they slept together....

I've got it figured out when, and she was being honest about when it happend. It actually happend 3 times and she stopped it 2 other times.

Both sides admit, my brother was the agressor, he would take advantage of her when she was drunk. I've also come to know, that he would pour her shots and try to get her to start drinking, knowing she is an alchohalic.

For some reason, she was able to tell her mom about this. Her wonderfull mom's advice, was "never let him find out, it would absolutly crush him". Eventually though, a mututal friend and a great one told me it had happend. I did not find out until 4 months after it had happend.

I recall the first night it happend though, she was at a friends cabin they were having what they call a "girls night". She would drink at these, I remember her calling me that night though. She called me to tell me she loved me, of course drunk off her ass. Told me she wanted to get married some day and have kids, stuff like that. It was normaly when she got drunk to talk like this.

On the way home though, she some how ended up in my brothers back seat on the ride home. He was going to pick her up, as he was at his girl friends house near the area. He addmited, he took advantage of her, and that she did not even remember it happening, but asked in the morning what went on.

It still happend 2 times after that, in my house. He admits it was times he would get her drunk. The other 2 times she was drunk, but stopped it, and he just decided to jerk off in front of her then instead. Other times he tried, but she would leave.

I knew she was always weak, but I guess i just assumed she could be strong for me.

I don't need to know what to do with my brother, but what to do with her. She tried to kill herself over it, i don't feel bad for anyone who does that, but I do want to make sure she is better before i go digging.

She is talking to counclors, the biggest thing they are pushing is her not to be as passive as she is from what i've read. Trying to teach her to say no. She is also getting help for the drinking now.

Do I forgive her though? Do I want to trust a girl like this even if she gets help?

It does get even more complicated though too. Her and my brother would get in fights at times. I would of course try to stay out of the middle, even though because of her low self esteem he would always be able to win. A few times I would tell him, he needs to act more mature. Most the time I tried to get them to grow from these fights though. I can't help but feel bad for allowing that to happen though, knowing some of the fights were based upon her hate for him after this.

Just seeking some guidance in a hard time from good people,

thanks

**BARLOW** · 02-22-2005, 01:32 AM

hmmm i say......... keep it in the family........

all joking aside though... shes got issues, no matter how much u want too, u cant fix them, she has too... and to do that... she might be best off on her own... she slept with ur brother.... is there others she is keeping from u as well?

I had a ex like this...... girls night out find a new boy to have for the night......... i broke up with her.....she tried to overdose on some medication she had, well i didnt go back... i'd say this relationship is probably making u miserable, cause ur always worrying about her.....do wuts best for you bro...go find a nice independant girl with high self esteem , let this one go.......

**YounG_SluG11** · 02-22-2005, 01:43 AM

What kinda brother does that kind of sh*t?

I wouldn't trust a girl if she cheated on me, especially with my own brother, even if she got 'help' afterwards.

F*ck her dude, there's nothin' worse than a cheatin bitch.

**KGBnine** · 02-22-2005, 01:45 AM

I think that you should forgive her, but it doesn't mean that you have to give her another chance.... That is entirely up to you.

**KGBnine** · 02-22-2005, 01:46 AM

Originally Posted by YounG_SluG11

What kinda brother does that kind of sh*t?

Not a good one.

**YounG_SluG11** · 02-22-2005, 01:47 AM

Yeah you may be able to forgive her, but it would be very hard to trust her if you gave her another chance.

BTW, did you do anything to your brother?

**yellowviper** · 02-22-2005, 02:46 AM

keeping everything into consideration like her drinking issues and low self esteem.

here's what i would do:

1-forgive her cause you'll only get yourself more stress if you dont.
2-leaver her
3-talk to your brother in an environment where he would feel comfortable talking about the issue as well as he realise that what he did is simply wrong.
4-dont talk to your bro in the presence of this girl.
5-remember, families will allways remain families unless there's some big and serious issues between family members.
6-make sure your brothetr comprehend the fact that what he did is absolutely wrong and back stabbing, but again we all make mistakes sometimes.

7- if he understands that and apologize to you. everything is ok. move on. go find yourself another woman. there's plenty out there who respect themselves enough to draw a line between what's ethical and what's not.

8-if doesnt admit his fault therefore disrespect you. screw him too. tell him to pack his stuff and find his own place. cause no love exist if there's no mutual respect.

peace

**GORILA-UNIT** · 02-22-2005, 03:39 AM

Originally Posted by yellowviper

keeping everything into consideration like her drinking issues and low self esteem.

here's what i would do:

1-forgive her cause you'll only get yourself more stress if you dont.
2-leaver her
3-talk to your brother in an environment where he would feel comfortable talking about the issue as well as he realise that what he did is simply wrong.
4-dont talk to your bro in the presence of this girl.
5-remember, families will allways remain families unless there's some big and serious issues between family members.
6-make sure your brothetr comprehend the fact that what he did is absolutely wrong and back stabbing, but again we all make mistakes sometimes.

7- if he understands that and apologize to you. everything is ok. move on. go find yourself another woman. there's plenty out there who respect themselves enough to draw a line between what's ethical and what's not.

8-if doesnt admit his fault therefore disrespect you. screw him too. tell him to pack his stuff and find his own place. cause no love exist if there's no mutual respect.

peace

very well said

**J-Dogg** · 02-22-2005, 09:04 AM

With out a doubt they are both out of the house already. It will be awhile before I'll be able to even talk to him, considering the circumstances. She has huge problems and obviously so does he with controling himself.

I know I would be able to move on and find another girl, i'm sure you all understand too that its hard and right now I just don't want to.

I guess the easy thing would be to just take her back, but I guess its not always the right thing to do.

I talked to my Mom, and my brother looks at it as "I'm moving in a few months anyway" and, "My friend said its really not even that big of a deal". He definatly has problems, he would just take his junk out and start stroking away while she would drive him home. He sleeps with prostitutes so obviously now I need to get checked for STDs.

It will be a long, long time before I can even patch things with him or attempt too. Somthing bad will have to happen in his life before he can grow up. Considering he was the one to take advantage of her, and take advantage of her problems what he did was premeditated and planned, it would be easier to forgive her. Again, not that its right to forgive her.

It would be easier if she just left me for some guy, I would not have to think and would have closure

**J-Dogg** · 02-22-2005, 09:06 AM

Oh no, I did not beat down my brother. He knew not to be home when I got home. He called me at work as I was finding out and I went off on the phone.

To be honest, I don't think I could have mustered up the stregth anyway, it hurt so bad I could barly stand as it was.

**Pale Horse** · 02-22-2005, 09:06 AM

kill her and dump her body in a mine shaft

**needmorestrength** · 02-22-2005, 09:13 AM

Dude that sucks.. All I can say is get away from these ppl.. The girl let her down gently but DEF get rid of her!

**J-Dogg** · 02-22-2005, 09:13 AM

Surprizing enough, I don't want anyone to be hurt. I guess when you hurt this bad, you don't want anyone in the world to go though any pain.

I feel like a big ****ing care bear right now, I want to help people. Its hard to explain, some times I do get mad and upset, but its rare.

I mean, I've only allowed myself to trust 2 people in my entire life. It was these 2 people who I choose to live with and trust. I was totally blind sided from this.

The bad part, I treated her so well. I just bought her $600 earings and gave her $300 to shop with on V-Day. I had her driving a new SUV and I drove my work truck. I was in the process of buying a bed and breakfast in Queens AU for a vacation home. I moved into a larger house so accomidate room for them. Now I have this big house and it just feels empty. I have a Hot Tub, Nice large back yard over looking Lake Michigan and a trampoline and volly ball net. But I don't have anyone to use them with now.

**Hot-Rox** · 02-22-2005, 09:17 AM

Bro, this is a bad situation all around. Clearly your girlfriend needs help. Unfortunately, it is unlikely that you will be able to do much for her. In the long run, you will probably be best off moving on.

As for your brother, this is the bigger problem IMO. I agree with you, let some time pass before dealing with him. I believe it is his responsibility to apologize.

**IronFreakX** · 02-22-2005, 09:18 AM

kill them both f*** that s***

**J-Dogg** · 02-22-2005, 09:21 AM

If nothing else i guess. At least me and her will become better people because of this. SHe finaly realizes she has a drinking problem and has a problem saying no.

I've learned its okay to show emotion, learned its okay to cry and learned its okay to communicate with people about your emotions.

Hopfully she will grow the most from this, I'll support her, but you guys are right, I don't know if I could trust her ever again.

He does not see the wrong yet, he emails me telling me how bad he feels. But I cannot help but think he feels bad only because he got caught. Even after she did get strong enough to start leaving, he would still grop her and just start strocking his sausage in front of her.

**IronFreakX** · 02-22-2005, 09:21 AM

Is not "lust and carnal desire" a more truthful term to describe "love" when applied to
the continuance of the race? Is not the "love" of the fawning scriptures simply a
euphemism for sexual activity, or was the "great teacher" a glorifier of eunuchs?

**SwoleCat** · 02-22-2005, 09:59 AM

Originally Posted by YounG_SluG11

What kinda brother does that kind of sh*t?

I wouldn't trust a girl if she cheated on me, especially with my own brother, even if she got 'help' afterwards.

F*ck her dude, there's nothin' worse than a cheatin bitch.

Kick her skank ass to the curb, triflin' slut.

~SC~

**jc3** · 02-22-2005, 10:10 AM

Dude I would drop her in a second. It's not your fault she has problems. F*ck, so do I will you help me? She did your ass and now you are feeling bad about it. That's normal man but step back away from your emotions and look at the situation logically. Write it down on paper if you have to. You will see the best thing to do is drop all contact with her and put this out of your mind. Another thing I have found with addicts (drunks and druggers) is that people let their true feelings out when they feel no inhibition. Obviously she didn't feel enough for you to not f*ck your brother.

As far as your situation with your bro goes, you didn't ask for advice on that. I know that to me blood is thicker than water. To me this means I should be able to trust you with anything. If you betray this trust, it is worse that some sh*tbag off the street screwing me because you matter to me. That being said, I would hate him worse that the average joe. Logically on this fact I would cut off contact with him. I also know that I wouldn't act logically and would pound his a*s half to death, only stopping because of my Mother.

Either way...Good Luck.....JC

**Monkeytown** · 02-22-2005, 10:24 AM

Originally Posted by jc3

Dude I would drop her in a second. It's not your fault she has problems. F*ck, so do I will you help me? She did your ass and now you are feeling bad about it. That's normal man but step back away from your emotions and look at the situation logically. Write it down on paper if you have to. You will see the best thing to do is drop all contact with her and put this out of your mind. Another thing I have found with addicts (drunks and druggers) is that people let their true feelings out when they feel no inhibition. Obviously she didn't feel enough for you to not f*ck your brother.

As far as your situation with your bro goes, you didn't ask for advice on that. I know that to me blood is thicker than water. To me this means I should be able to trust you with anything. If you betray this trust, it is worse that some sh*tbag off the street screwing me because you matter to me. That being said, I would hate him worse that the average joe. Logically on this fact I would cut off contact with him. I also know that I wouldn't act logically and would pound his a*s half to death, only stopping because of my Mother.

Either way...Good Luck.....JC

I wish I knew you felt this way before I started bangin' your wife. I'm gonna be staying at mom's. I feel safe there.

J-Dogg - As for your old lady, kick her to the curb. As for your Bro, like JC3 said, what he did is far worse than what she did. He is your blood and there should be an elevated level of trust and respect.

**IronFreakX** · 02-22-2005, 10:44 AM

blood is not a good enuff reason it has to be earned

**yellowviper** · 02-23-2005, 01:08 AM

i agree with you crystalmethodx.

plus she having a drinking problem and not being able to say "NO" is not an excuse.

if you take her back after all this, it only tells me that you seem to have a low self esteem yourself not just this girl. or maybe you like when people step on you too much.

good luck bro.

**KGBnine** · 02-23-2005, 01:20 AM

Originally Posted by J-Dogg

Surprizing enough, I don't want anyone to be hurt. I guess when you hurt this bad, you don't want anyone in the world to go though any pain.

I feel like a big ****ing care bear right now, I want to help people. Its hard to explain, some times I do get mad and upset, but its rare.

I mean, I've only allowed myself to trust 2 people in my entire life. It was these 2 people who I choose to live with and trust. I was totally blind sided from this.

The bad part, I treated her so well. I just bought her $600 earings and gave her $300 to shop with on V-Day. I had her driving a new SUV and I drove my work truck. I was in the process of buying a bed and breakfast in Queens AU for a vacation home. I moved into a larger house so accomidate room for them. Now I have this big house and it just feels empty. I have a Hot Tub, Nice large back yard over looking Lake Michigan and a trampoline and volly ball net. But I don't have anyone to use them with now.

Nice guys always get screwed at one point or another in life, and I think this was yours. It's really sux to hear about this bro...hear you are providing for two people who do this to you. THings like this just piss me off. Honestly, she didn't even come to you, and it happened a few times. She doesn't deserve another chance, so don't give in!!!!

Good luck with everything dude. Like they say: this door might have closed but another just opened for ya, when you're ready.

**bigbodyjosh** · 02-23-2005, 01:35 AM

This is a really sad thing to read. I've gone through something somewhat not similar. Trust me bro, you might feel bad right now and you might think that the only thing that will make you feel better is getting back with her. I know from experience, i've felt this way before. When all was said and done and i tried to patch things up and tried to forget that my ex gf of many, many years ****ed another guy while we were taking some "time off" it felt good the first day. I was so happy we got back together...the 2nd day didn't feel any worst.......then weeks started to pass and i started to think. It drove me insane. The last thing you want is to be with someone and not be able to trust them. To look at that person everyday and see not only their beauty but a reflection of the bad things they've done to you. its great that shes getting help and you can forgive her but you must leave man. if you don't this will bother you for the rest of your life. its gonna be extremely hard for you after to trust again. its been over a year now and i'm still not recooperated by what i've gone through and i can accept that but as everyday turns night i get better and better. "what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger" i hope all good things for you because i really feel for your situation and if i was around these boards back then i would've done the same thing cause sometimes you need someone to talk to. as far as your brother is concerned, all i gotta say that it's gonna be tough. I'm an only child and i feel as if i did have a brother and i couldn't trust him....then who could i really trust...good luck

**Angelis** · 02-23-2005, 02:11 AM

Everybody keeps saying Kick her to the Curb... didnt anybody realise he said she was drunk all the time. IMHO it wasnt her fault, he got her drunk on purpose and he took advantage of her in two ways he took advantage of her problem (Alcoholism) and he took advantage after she was drunk by basically raping her (I know some people wouldnt concider it rape but if you get someone so drunk that they cant think for themselves and then sleep with them then I concider that a form of rape). She obviously didnt want to sleep with him if she refused him a lot of other times (He didnt get her drunk enough) and she obviously feels bad about it and feels she has been abused or she wouldnt have tried to kill herself. If it was me I would have a nice long talk with my brother and if you cant work things out then ask him to leave... I know hes ur brother but still... Im really close with my brothers but if he was living with me and he f*cked my girl I wouldnt be as calm as u sound right now, and im not a angry person either I just think thats the highest form of betrayal by anyone. My brother would have to earn my trust back before I would let him in my house again. As far as the woman goes I would try and help her through this obviously she has done something wrong but its not entirely her fault I would try and make sure she is getting help and try and help her through it. I know this will put allot of pressure on you but IMO its the best thing to do but ultimatly its up to you.

**** I think this is the longest post I have ever made...