Whos the hardest

**carved.in.stone** · 06-22-2006, 04:46 AM

A loin, a tiger and a chicken are sitting around talking about who s the hardest.

The tiger says " Im the hardest, when I roar the whole jungle shakes"

The lion says "im the hardest, when I roar the whole outback shakes"

The chicken says "Im the hardest when I cough the whole world shits itself"

**carved.in.stone** · 06-22-2006, 04:47 AM

Any1 got any more?

**Homeguard** · 06-22-2006, 04:55 AM

Three men talking about being the best lover

Italian man: "when a fineesh makeen lurve to a wumon, she eez floating 2 inches ofa the beda"

French man says: "Pah, zoot allure, zat eez nuzzin, when I make lurve to a wumon, she floats 2 feet above ze bed"

English man says: "Bollox, thats nowt!!! When I shag a bird, she hits the f*ckin' ceiling !!!!"

They both look at him in astonishment. "'Ow eez zis posseeble?" they ask

"I just wipe me cok on the curtains (drapes) and, bang, up she goes"

**carved.in.stone** · 06-22-2006, 04:58 AM

,lol

**carved.in.stone** · 06-22-2006, 05:16 AM

One day too prawns are swimming about in the shallows, the first prawn says to his mate Christian the prawn "Im fed up with being a prawn, life sucks, all I can do is swim here in the shallow water, I want to be a shark". His mate christian says" If your that fed up go find the cod, he can grant wishes, but you ll have to swim past all the dangers of the deep water"

So of goes the prawn, swimming through the deeps, past the dangers of the deep, fishes trying to eat him left right and center, eventually he finds cod he says" cod please turn me into a shark, i hate being a prawn" so cod does it.

He swims back to his mate christian, christian flees on panic thinking the shark will eat him and no matter what he can never get near enough to christian to tell him who he is.

Many, many years pass and the the former prawn leads a desolate, lonely life longing to be a prawn again.

Then one day he see s the cod that had tansformed him, he begs and begs and finnally the cod turns him back into a prawn.

A few monnths later he is swimming around and he see s his old friend christain, he turns and they meet eyes and the former shark says to his old friend

" I FOUND COD, IM A PRAWN AGAIN CHRISTIAN"

**Homeguard** · 06-22-2006, 06:02 AM

Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says "You drive, I'll man the guns"

**Timm1704** · 06-22-2006, 06:05 AM

two irish men sat on the floor.... one fell off (sorry bouncer hehe)

**animator** · 06-22-2006, 07:14 AM

Funny thread........

I guy walks into a bar and see's a parakeet tending the bar. He is astonished. The birds says, "Whats wrong, haven't you ever seen a parakeet tending bar ?"

The man says, "No, I just didn't think the giraffe would sell the place".

RA · 06-22-2006, 07:59 AM

Originally Posted by Homeguard

Three men talking about being the best lover

Italian man: "when a fineesh makeen lurve to a wumon, she eez floating 2 inches ofa the beda"

French man says: "Pah, zoot allure, zat eez nuzzin, when I make lurve to a wumon, she floats 2 feet above ze bed"

English man says: "Bollox, thats nowt!!! When I shag a bird, she hits the f*ckin' ceiling !!!!"

They both look at him in astonishment. "'Ow eez zis posseeble?" they ask

"I just wipe me cok on the curtains (drapes) and, bang, up she goes"

**animator** · 06-22-2006, 12:03 PM

I love this thread !

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog, are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says,
"Whoever can use the words liver and cheese, in the same sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The female Collie says, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."
She says, "That's not creative."
Finally, the Taco Bell Chihuahua says, "Liver alone -- cheese mine."

**cfiler** · 06-22-2006, 01:54 PM

**firmechicano831** · 06-22-2006, 02:22 PM

keep them coming guys.

***BajanBastard*** · 06-22-2006, 02:25 PM

Originally Posted by animator

I love this thread !

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog, are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says,
"Whoever can use the words liver and cheese, in the same sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The female Collie says, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."
She says, "That's not creative."
Finally, the Taco Bell Chihuahua says, "Liver alone -- cheese mine."

Nice

**Homeguard** · 06-22-2006, 03:09 PM

Three men chatting about there first born son:

Scots Man: "My son was born on St Andrews Day, the patron saint of Scotland so we named him Andrew"

English Man: "My son was born on St Georges Day, the patron saint of England so we named him George"

American: "Geez, fellas, ya never believe this, the same thing happened with our Labour !!! "

**QuieTSToRM33** · 06-22-2006, 09:27 PM

Originally Posted by Homeguard

Three men chatting about there first born son:

Scots Man: "My son was born on St Andrews Day, the patron saint of Scotland so we named him Andrew"

English Man: "My son was born on St Georges Day, the patron saint of England so we named him George"

American: "Geez, fellas, ya never believe this, the same thing happened with our Labour !!! "

WEAK !

**NEW_IN_THE_GAME** · 06-22-2006, 09:31 PM

A guy gets on the bus each day and see's a nun he wants to bang, so he asks the bus driver for tips on the subject, and the nus driver says well i drop her off at this old cemetery on the edge of town each day at 9pm. merely go there dressed as jesus and command her to have sex with you, he says ok and does it, he sees the nun praying and says i am jesus and i command you to have sex with me. She hesitates then bends over and lifts her dress, the guy bangs away and when he is done he is like haha i am the guy from the bus.

Then the nun giggles and says in a low deep voice, hahaha i am the bus driver. by the name my name is mike.

**QuieTSToRM33** · 06-22-2006, 09:34 PM

Originally Posted by NEW_IN_THE_GAME

A guy gets on the bus each day and see's a nun he wants to bang, so he asks the bus driver for tips on the subject, and the nus driver says well i drop her off at this old cemetery on the edge of town each day at 9pm. merely go there dressed as jesus and command her to have sex with you, he says ok and does it, he sees the nun praying and says i am jesus and i command you to have sex with me. She hesitates then bends over and lifts her dress, the guy bangs away and when he is done he is like haha i am the guy from the bus.

Then the nun giggles and says in a low deep voice, hahaha i am the bus driver. by the name my name is mike.

grimey

**NEW_IN_THE_GAME** · 06-22-2006, 09:48 PM

Lets start some momma jokes, i mean it is a whole new funny when moms are involved. No offense to anyone, unless you want it.

**NEW_IN_THE_GAME** · 06-22-2006, 09:49 PM

Your momma so fat, she make free willy look like a tic-tac...

**J.S.N.** · 06-22-2006, 10:01 PM

a man walks into a talent agency, and says, "boy do i have an act for you!"

"what is your act?" asks the agent.

"well i come out on stage with my wife and 9 year old son and 6 year old daughter and cat," says the man, "and we all bow to the audience, and then the my daughter spreads pate over her vagina and anus and the cat eats her pussy while my son eats her ass while my wife and i squat over her chest and splurt heaping piles of semi-solid, yellow, diarrhea all over her chest, and then my wife straps on a dildo and ****s me in the ass while i lick it off my daughter's nipples, and then my son swings the cat against the floor until it dies on internal bleeding and then my daughter licks the blood out of it's dead bleeding asshole as i cut her throat and then bludgeon my son with a bowling pin and then i mount my wife and donkey punch her to death. that's it"

"wow..." says the agent, "...uh what's your act called?"

"what's it called?" apes the man, "oh yeah the aristocrats!"

**Homeguard** · 06-23-2006, 05:29 AM

Originally Posted by NEW_IN_THE_GAME

Your momma so fat, she make free willy look like a tic-tac...

Not keen on mommajokes but:

Yo momma’s so fat she was diagnosed with a flesh eating disease and the doctor gave her 17 years to live.

**Duck of Death** · 06-23-2006, 06:37 AM

Originally Posted by carved.in.stone

A loin, a tiger and a chicken are sitting around talking about who s the hardest.

The tiger says " Im the hardest, when I roar the whole jungle shakes"

The lion says "im the hardest, when I roar the whole outback shakes"

The chicken says "Im the hardest when I cough the whole world shits itself"

..I must be stupid - I dont get it!

**Homeguard** · 06-23-2006, 06:49 AM

Originally Posted by Duck of Death

..I must be stupid - I dont get it!

Its a quip at "Asian Bird Flu"

**carved.in.stone** · 06-23-2006, 10:09 AM

Your mums so fat i rolled over twice i was still on top of the b1tch

**carved.in.stone** · 06-23-2006, 10:16 AM

A cruise ship is sailing through the indian ocean and it sinks.

The next day 3 survivors wash up on a remote desert island, Tim, John and Bev.

Well as time goes on they all become lonely and nature takes its course.

A few years go buy and Bev feels bad about sleeping with both Tim and John so she kills her self.

Tim and John are devostated, but again nature takes it course.

a few more years go buy and eventualy Tim and John feel so guilty about both sleepin with Bev they decide to bury her!!

***BajanBastard*** · 06-23-2006, 11:15 AM

Originally Posted by J.S.N.

a man walks into a talent agency, and says, "boy do i have an act for you!"

"what is your act?" asks the agent.

"well i come out on stage with my wife and 9 year old son and 6 year old daughter and cat," says the man, "and we all bow to the audience, and then the my daughter spreads pate over her vagina and anus and the cat eats her pussy while my son eats her ass while my wife and i squat over her chest and splurt heaping piles of semi-solid, yellow, diarrhea all over her chest, and then my wife straps on a dildo and ****s me in the ass while i lick it off my daughter's nipples, and then my son swings the cat against the floor until it dies on internal bleeding and then my daughter licks the blood out of it's dead bleeding asshole as i cut her throat and then bludgeon my son with a bowling pin and then i mount my wife and donkey punch her to death. that's it"

"wow..." says the agent, "...uh what's your act called?"

"what's it called?" apes the man, "oh yeah the aristocrats!"

**elite2kr** · 06-23-2006, 12:03 PM

Originally Posted by carved.in.stone

A cruise ship is sailing through the indian ocean and it sinks.

The next day 3 survivors wash up on a remote desert island, Tim, John and Bev.

Well as time goes on they all become lonely and nature takes its course.

A few years go buy and Bev feels bad about sleeping with both Tim and John so she kills her self.

Tim and John are devostated, but again nature takes it course.

a few more years go buy and eventualy Tim and John feel so guilty about both sleepin with Bev they decide to bury her!!

**scriptfactory** · 06-23-2006, 02:46 PM

Originally Posted by J.S.N.

a man walks into a talent agency, and says, "boy do i have an act for you!"

"what is your act?" asks the agent.

"well i come out on stage with my wife and 9 year old son and 6 year old daughter and cat," says the man, "and we all bow to the audience, and then the my daughter spreads pate over her vagina and anus and the cat eats her pussy while my son eats her ass while my wife and i squat over her chest and splurt heaping piles of semi-solid, yellow, diarrhea all over her chest, and then my wife straps on a dildo and ****s me in the ass while i lick it off my daughter's nipples, and then my son swings the cat against the floor until it dies on internal bleeding and then my daughter licks the blood out of it's dead bleeding asshole as i cut her throat and then bludgeon my son with a bowling pin and then i mount my wife and donkey punch her to death. that's it"

"wow..." says the agent, "...uh what's your act called?"

"what's it called?" apes the man, "oh yeah the aristocrats!"

That is the worst joke EVER! I saw the movie about it and I still think it's just a horribly unfunny joke. It's like only funny to comedians...

**NEW_IN_THE_GAME** · 06-23-2006, 02:49 PM

Momma jokes. here is a few.

Yo momma so fat, moses couldnt spread them ass cheeks.
Yo momma so ugly she make a feight train take a gravel road.
She so fat god couldnt lift her spirits.

And you were such an ugly baby yo momma had to be drunk to breast feed ya.