Parenting Advise for a 14 year old girl.

[J-Dogg]

First off, it’s not my kid but a kid I care about.

Brief description:

My girls little sister is 14 and has some “issues”. I’m normally pretty good at giving her advice, and when she is confused of fusterated she often vents to me or my girl, or both and seeks advice.

My girl is often seeing everything with blinders up though because it is her little sister. I tend to be a little more direct and less trust worthy and confident in the decision making skills of a 14 year old with these issues.

The thing I’m having a problem with is this. I think of my girls family as my family. I care about her sister as much as I care for my own. I’ve talked to this girl before, tried to explain why not to do this or that and teared up in the process. Her family thinks of me the same way, I’m very close with the entire family and they hold what I say with much regard. Recently I’ve found out that the young girl is/has been having sex. She finally did come out and tell her sister, but she said it was one time, with her friend (17 yr old guy). Though her friends though, I’ve found that she had a party at her grandmother’s vacation home that basically turned into an “orgy” where at the end of the night she was in nothing but a towel…details were not clear enough to establish what went on though. She really likes to drink, she recived 2 MIP’s this summer and is on probation, doing community service, the works. Everything but tether (ankle bracelet) that she really should be on.

My girl talked to her mother though and said she needs to be on birth control. I belive this is a common problem that Mom and Dad have when they find out daughter is having sex though right? Dad cannot accept his daughter is having sex, says no birth control. Mom being understanding of a girl turning into a woman says she is going to have sex regardless, lets just not have kids. I can respect mother’s choices on that matter, if the girl is 16, 17. But 14, I can’t see it. She just grew boobs this summer and is already using them with her guy friend. I’ve not discussed it yet, but I don’t feel she should have any “Alone time” with a 17 year old guy anyway. She should be dating or hanging out with a 14-15 year old kid. I think giving her the pill is in a way giving her the message it is okay to have sex…maybe she will think it is okay to have those orgy’s then. IMO it is better to have a kid than to have AIDs.

What would you guys/gals do? She is gone for 5 days and I was thinking of inviting her mother and dad over to discuss a plan and offer help if needed.

[G-1000]

Hey bro i realy cant offer any help on this. I hope some of the uther guys and ladies can give some advise.

Bump

[auslifta]

got to question why a 17 yo is haning around with a 14yo,how would she take advise off her sister?sometimes she might listen to her better than anyone else.
i think you should talk to the 17yo and make sure he is at least using protection.
she needs some self respect.
its like giving someone a gun with no expierience,then letting them go hunting,they dont know what they are doing an could ruin their life.

[Foskamink]

got to question why a 17 yo is haning around with a 14yo,
i think you should talk to the 17yo and make sure he is at least using protection.
she needs some self respect.

well in highschool pretty much all the 14+ year olds all wanna go to the big 15-17 partys.. and i can understand them hanging arround on a weekend ocasionally. before i left highschool i would have done what the guy done.. without a second thought or remorse.. all of my friends too would have done it.. and i think its wrong but i beleive most of the male population would have.. but now im outta school and 18 i wouldnt go near a 14 year old.. 16 year olds legal inb my country.. but i wouldnt hang arround them... might once a month or so.. but yeh i think the girl if she has sex it should be with 1 guy / a boyfriend and not a toy for multiples.. i never really been involved in that.. but i could name 50 guys.. who have had sex with a girl and knowing that 1-3 of there friends did at the same time or that night also.. i wouldnt do it and its downgrading but u cant blame him for having sex with a 14 year old.. but make sure his not stupid..

[thegodfather]

J-Dogg...we've spoke before.... I will tell you that my advice is coming from someone who grew up with his ex-girlfriend, and met her when I was about that same age. I dont care how you would LIKE to intervene, at about that age they are going to make up their own minds, and compulsively lie to your face to seem innocent, but they are going to do what they want no matter what you want them to do...They are right on to get her birth control, and then talk to her about protection. Not doing it would be stupid, the bottomline is bro no matter how much you want to change a person and how they are, they very much will make up their own life decisions, even that young believe it or not. You can attempt to influence a person as much as you want, but they are going to go that direction one way or another...

A perfect example is a girl I hooked up with when I was in high school. Her father was EXTREMELY strict, this girl got straight A's all through high school, accepted to a great college, the works. And Im sure this guy thought he had the perfect child. Truth be told, this girl slept around more than a dude did, is currently in college (i talked to her last week) and has only gone to a few classes has been drinking and partying her ass off and doing god knows what else. So really, you lose and you lose. You give her the BC&Condoms, shes gonna be off slutting around. You become extra strict rarely let her out of the house and take away her freedoms, its going to rebound on you at some point later down the road and maybe worse than if you had just let her make her own mistakes... Ive been through it all man, lets not forget about when we were younger...

[Foskamink]

lets not forget about when we were younger...

true

[Carlos_E]

I can respect mother’s choices on that matter, if the girl is 16, 17. But 14, I can’t see it. She just grew boobs this summer and is already using them with her guy friend. I’ve not discussed it yet, but I don’t feel she should have any “Alone time” with a 17 year old guy anyway. She should be dating or hanging out with a 14-15 year old kid. I think giving her the pill is in a way giving her the message it is okay to have sex…maybe she will think it is okay to have those orgy’s then. IMO it is better to have a kid than to have AIDs.

What would you guys/gals do? She is gone for 5 days and I was thinking of inviting her mother and dad over to discuss a plan and offer help if needed.

She's already had sex. The flood gates are open. Giving her the pill is not giving her the OK. It's being realistic. You can tell her not to do it, she will do it anyway. The smart thing is to make sure she's not going to have a kid. Give her on the pill quick before she gets pregnant. Also advise her about SDTs and make sure she uses condoms. I'd also sit down and talk to the 17 year old. Threaten that boys life!!!

[1buffsob]

She's already had sex. The flood gates are open. Giving her the pill is not giving her the OK. It's being realistic. You can tell her not to do it, she will do it anyway. The smart thing is to make sure she's not going to have a kid. Give her on the pill quick before she gets pregnant. Also advise her about SDTs and make sure she uses condoms. I'd also sit down and talk to the 17 year old. Threaten that boys life!!!

I completely agree with everything Carlos has said. This is solid advice.

Oh, and for the conversation with the 17 y/o... let me set the scene. Invite him over to welcome him to the family. He'll walk through the door to find you sitting in a smoke filled kitchen. You're wearing a white wifebeater (blood stains optional), with a half empty of bottle JD sitting on the table. You're cleaning your handguns with a group of "unsavory" friends and family (tattoos optional).

I'm being totally serious about this. This worked for me when my girlfriend's sister was dating an 21 y/o when she was a freshman in HS. The guy bailed within a week.

[gixxerboy1]

She's already had sex. The flood gates are open. Giving her the pill is not giving her the OK. It's being realistic. You can tell her not to do it, she will do it anyway. The smart thing is to make sure she's not going to have a kid. Give her on the pill quick before she gets pregnant. Also advise her about SDTs and make sure she uses condoms. I'd also sit down and talk to the 17 year old. Threaten that boys life!!!

Wow i agree with you.

J-dog your right about everything you say she shouldnt be doing. But i think its better to be safe then sorry with the birth control. Also i would try to talk with the 17 year olds parents. I'm sure they would be a little understanding and try and help

[Carlos_E]

By the way. This is a serious issues and anyone who posts nasty comments or jokes in poor tastes will get a warning or suspension. If you have nothing positive to add, don't post.

[Foskamink]

By the way. This is a serious issues and anyone who posts nasty comments or jokes in poor tastes will get a warning or suspension. If you have nothing positive to add, don't post.

i hope that dosnt insinuate there has already been nasty posts or jokes.. cause i agree.. she needs guidence.

[Carlos_E]

i hope that dosnt insinuate there has already been nasty posts or jokes.

No it wasn't. I just know how some people here think.

[Slick Arrado]

Giving her the pill should help prevent pregnancy, but what about condoms? I mean, STDs exist in the real world. It seems like she has the attitude where she's gonna continue to have sex, so all you can do from here-on-out is help her protect herself.

[pumpd4lif]

i agree with u 100% 14 is to young to be on birth control.she needs an eye opener.my sister in law great kid full ride to college staright A student as both my sister in laws are.well the kid had sex the first time when she was 20 ok pretty mature really cautios kid .used pretection the first time she had sex and contracted genital warts.this is the last person in the world that deserves this not that anybody does but this just goes to show that no matter how safe u are it doesnt matter it can happen to u now u need to present this to her and her parents in a way that she is actually going to think about the conciquences(<--that is spelled wrong : /) u need to do it in a nonconfrintational matter and show her mother to put her foot down cause birth control is only giving her the go ahead and actually taking responsablity away from the 14 year old child.at 14 i tell u this my daughter is gonna hate me because she will not be going out were there isnt parents ill tell u that shit right now.a 14 year old girl that is having sex is outa control think about it.way to young IMO

[1buffsob]

i agree with u 100% 14 is to young to be on birth control.she needs an eye opener.my sister in law great kid full ride to college staright A student as both my sister in laws are.well the kid had sex the first time when she was 20 ok pretty mature really cautios kid .used pretection the first time she had sex and contracted genital warts.this is the last person in the world that deserves this not that anybody does but this just goes to show that no matter how safe u are it doesnt matter it can happen to u now u need to present this to her and her parents in a way that she is actually going to think about the conciquences(<--that is spelled wrong : /) u need to do it in a nonconfrintational matter and show her mother to put her foot down cause birth control is only giving her the go ahead and actually taking responsablity away from the 14 year old child.at 14 i tell u this my daughter is gonna hate me because she will not be going out were there isnt parents ill tell u that shit right now.a 14 year old girl that is having sex is outa control think about it.way to young IMO

A 14 y/o girl is a frightening creature. The more you push, the harder it is to get through to them. NOTHING is going to stop this girl from having sex if she's made up her mind to do so. She is way too young to be having sex, but also way too immature to realize the consequences of her actions. It's a double edged sword. The best you can hope for is to keep her safe until she's old enough to realize these things for herself.

[perfectbeast2001]

We had a lot of similar grief with my GFs girl when she was 14. The best you can expect is to try and minimize any harm by providing info on STDs and birth control. You are not going to be able to change a 14 Yr old party animal into a Nun unless you locked her in her room for the next few years. Believe me we considered that last option.

[Timm1704]

i am of the same opinion as the others in this thread. she is gonna keep having sex, she is going to do what ever the hell she wants. it is rather disturbing to think that a 14 year old child is getting drunk, getting in lots of trouble, and sleeping around, but thats whats going down, regardless of anything the parents, sister or yourself does. hopefully, she will grow up in the next few years, get out of getting wasted and causing trouble, but for now giving her the pill and supplying her with condoms/information would be a great idea

[Foskamink]

since turning 18 this forum and my life in general has really opend my eyes about std.. i did not think stds were that common and i thought it was rare to get or have them but now i learn there are so many types and so many people that have them im really going to think hard and be aware of every girl i touch.. i really feel bad and scared about previous sex... ive never had sex with a girl that seamed or looked dirty in any way.. but the fact my friends messed with my head when i was drunk this time i really am scared lol...... i should get a test so i feel better.. even tho ive never had a sign of any std at all but that dosnt mean to say u dont got them right?.. dam this is such a sykological thing and im really paranoid and it is prolly the pills with anxiety.. but i hate being this way every time somone mentions STDs... any advice

[1buffsob]

since turning 18 this forum and my life in general has really opend my eyes about std.. i did not think stds were that common and i thought it was rare to get or have them but now i learn there are so many types and so many people that have them im really going to think hard and be aware of every girl i touch.. i really feel bad and scared about previous sex... ive never had sex with a girl that seamed or looked dirty in any way.. but the fact my friends messed with my head when i was drunk this time i really am scared lol...... i should get a test so i feel better.. even tho ive never had a sign of any std at all but that dosnt mean to say u dont got them right?.. dam this is such a sykological thing and im really paranoid and it is prolly the pills with anxiety.. but i hate being this way every time somone mentions STDs... any advice

Glad you realize the dangers man. But kinda a bit of a hijack. Just go get a test and stay cautious.

[Foskamink]

Glad you realize the dangers man. But kinda a bit of a hijack. Just go get a test and stay cautious.

ohh jezzz yeh sorry for the off topic.. i was originaly saying how sorry i am to the guys sister in law who got warts thats horrible and she sounded like a really nice person.. thats going to be one of the if not worst expirence of her life... hope shes ok and i hope every 1 else stays ok. i think my home country australia isnt as bad as america.. for the main social is a little different.. but only because of the lower population.. stuff like this is only a real big issue in the highly population countrys and citys and is such a shame that the world has gone this way...

[Timm1704]

ohh jezzz yeh sorry for the off topic.. i was originaly saying how sorry i am to the guys sister in law who got warts thats horrible and she sounded like a really nice person.. thats going to be one of the if not worst expirence of her life... hope shes ok and i hope every 1 else stays ok. i think my home country australia isnt as bad as america.. for the main social is a little different.. but only because of the lower population.. stuff like this is only a real big issue in the highly population countrys and citys and is such a shame that the world has gone this way...

i think contracting genital warts is far from one of the worst things she is likely to experience in life. yes it has gotta suck, but the average STD (clamidia, gonhorrea, syphallis etc) really isnt a big deal aslong as its not left to fester for years on end. obviously stay safe, and if you suspect you may have something, get yourself checked out then take the required meds. the main difference between those STD's mentioned above, and herpes/warts is that herpes and warts unfortunately stay in your system, and though they can be controlled, will flare up from time to time. HIV is in another league ofcourse, so like ive mentioned, its best to a) bag up with anybody, no matter how clean they look. as it only takes one shag to get an infection, and b) not to lay down with crack whores, as sleeping with those, even with protection, is similar to a bunjee jump: if the rubber snaps, ur fvcked

[Foskamink]

i think contracting genital warts is far from one of the worst things she is likely to experience in life. yes it has gotta suck, but the average STD (clamidia, gonhorrea, syphallis etc) really isnt a big deal aslong as its not left to fester for years on end. obviously stay safe, and if you suspect you may have something, get yourself checked out then take the required meds. the main difference between those STD's mentioned above, and herpes/warts is that herpes and warts unfortunately stay in your system, and though they can be controlled, will flare up from time to time. HIV is in another league ofcourse, so like ive mentioned,

yeh i dont suspect i have anything or have ever seen any signs or nothing.. i just get paranoid whenever i read anything on these forums because 1 of my friend was messin with me... it was a complete joke when they said it.. but it really is a great fear of getting std now that i know more..

hope u work out ur situation buddy and the best will come hopefully with ur help

[pumpd4lif]

i agree it is hard to control a 14 year old child(girl)but there are ways to do so .remember we are the parents we make the descions not the child.kids need more restrictions wether they like it or not.the parents should control the situation at all times.tough luv is the only way in my opinion.i dont know about u guys but anything less then what i want is unexceptable i8n my eyes my child will do as i ask and will respect me and my wife.she is strong willed but rest assured that us as parents are stronger ,in this case i think the parents really need to put restrictions on this child why the hell is she at her granparents hous having an un supervised party .who is rweally being erresponable in this case.look at the parents bro they are allowing this.she is only doing it cause she can get away with it

[solid-d]

Funny to say but last fall I was at a frat house at a local univeriity and I saw a 14 year old girl(new freshman in HS) at the party completely shitttfaced.. I noticed a 17 year old kid there puring beer down her throught.. Moments later she was passed out on a couch.. Then I see some drunk dude, like 21-22, try to get with her.. I didnt know the girl, but I told that dude to take a hike and he had no other choice but to do what I say..

[pumpd4lif]

Funny to say but last fall I was at a frat house at a local univeriity and I saw a 14 year old girl(new freshman in HS) at the party completely shitttfaced.. I noticed a 17 year old kid there puring beer down her throught.. Moments later she was passed out on a couch.. Then I see some drunk dude, like 21-22, try to get with her.. I didnt know the girl, but I told that dude to take a hike and he had no other choice but to do what I say..

another story were sadly the parents are to blame know were ur child is at all times there is no excuse for this.as a parent u need to play detective 24-7 14 at a frat party spft.that is eresponsable parenting in my opinion

[solid-d]

oh, then I find out that the 14 year old girl was bragging to her friends for like a month about she had the best time at a frat party.. And all her friends were like soo jelous

[pumpd4lif]

u know what they should take the 14 year old to get an aids test just to put it in her head that is possible to contract a std no matter who u are.i dont know about u guys but i have been tested more then once and even if u know u dont have it it is the worst feeling in the world waiting for the test results .maybe it will scare her a little bit

[Carlos_E]

u know what they should take the 14 year old to get an aids test just to put it in her head that is possible to contract a std no matter who u are.i dont know about u guys but i have been tested more then once and even if u know u dont have it it is the worst feeling in the world waiting for the test results .maybe it will scare her a little bit

They should get her tested and it better scare her. Hopefully she'll think about the consequences of her actions.

[pumpd4lif]

They should get her tested and it better scare her. Hopefully she'll think about the consequences of her actions.

i do think that is the first step her parents should take and if u suggest it to them and they say uhhh no that is to extreme u reply y are u making it easier for her to keep doing what she is doin.(carlos is that u in ur avi bro)

[Timm1704]

u know what they should take the 14 year old to get an aids test just to put it in her head that is possible to contract a std no matter who u are.i dont know about u guys but i have been tested more then once and even if u know u dont have it it is the worst feeling in the world waiting for the test results .maybe it will scare her a little bit

also a very good idea

[1buffsob]

Who here has been on a extremely strict cutting diet for a long period of time? What happens when you finally get off of that diet? Do you not desire all those things that you were denied while cutting?

Same thing with raising a rebelious child under a strict household. Eventually, they're gonna be on their own, and they'll want to make up for all those things they previously were denied. And just like a bodybuilder, they'll bust out big and binge. It's human nature.

Pardon the cheesy metaphor.

[pumpd4lif]

Who here has been on a extremely strict cutting diet for a long period of time? What happens when you finally get off of that diet? Do you not desire all those things that you were denied while cutting?

Same thing with raising a rebelious child under a strict household. Eventually, they're gonna be on their own, and they'll want to make up for all those things they previously were denied. And just like a bodybuilder, they'll bust out big and binge. It's human nature.

Pardon the cheesy metaphor.

i dont totaly agree for my sisters in laws grew up in a very stricked house hold for one they are all budhist they beleive in cause and effect.they never watched tv growing up always acupide in activities.were always busy the one got a full ride to college for being so smart and the other got a full ride to pittsburg university for swimming is also a straight a student both in there twenty,s now one a teacher and the other might be swimming in the olympics representin veniszuala(or however u spell it)so i think it is all in the morals and idea,s we implant in our kids heads.sacrifice everything to show them right and wrong spare no time keep them busy it will pay off in the end.these to young adults ive been talking about are to mature young adults now without a hitch.never in trouble y cause my inlaws didnt take no for an answer they are the biggest role models to me in the way that they have raised there children .for i was always running the streets as a kid robbing stealing doing drugs .U HAVE TO KEEP THEM BUSY in positve activity,s.do not take BUT MOM(or dad)for an answer.my daughter gets punished for the but mom (or dad)

[1buffsob]

i dont totaly agree for my sisters in laws grew up in a very stricked house hold for one they are all budhist they beleive in cause and effect.they never watched tv growing up always acupide in activities.were always busy the one got a full ride to college for being so smart and the other got a full ride to pittsburg university for swimming is also a straight a student both in there twenty,s now one a teacher and the other might be swimming in the olympics representin veniszuala(or however u spell it)so i think it is all in the morals and idea,s we implant in our kids heads.sacrifice everything to show them right and wrong spare no time keep them busy it will pay off in the end.these to young adults ive been talking about are to mature young adults now without a hitch.never in trouble y cause my inlaws didnt take no for an answer they are the biggest role models to me in the way that they have raised there children .for i was always running the streets as a kid robbing stealing doing drugs .U HAVE TO KEEP THEM BUSY in positve activity,s.do not take BUT MOM(or dad)for an answer.my daughter gets punished for the but mom (or dad)

I agree. But that's why I commented on raising a "rebelious" child in a strict household.

Some kids just have a rebelious side to them regardless of how they were raised. There's usually one in every family. And no matter what you do for them, they won't change until they make the decision to.

[pumpd4lif]

I agree. But that's why I commented on raising a "rebelious" child in a strict household.

Some kids just have a rebelious side to them regardless of how they were raised. There's usually one in every family. And no matter what you do for them, they won't change until they make the decision to.

yes i missed that part,but there is always an underlying factor y the child is rebeling. u have to try to avoid that by keeping them busy as a bee.there are exceptions of the rule just like any given situation

[paulzane]

What about the age of consent???? Isn't sex with a 14 yo illegal ....it is in England! Perhaps a trip to the police station may be an idea!!!!

[pumpd4lif]

What about the age of consent???? Isn't sex with a 14 yo illegal ....it is in England! Perhaps a trip to the police station may be an idea!!!!

age of consent is a bunch of shit in my book that is just legel bs.if a child cant support themselves on there own that consent should not excist.cause if something happens,baby ,std, ect....who has to take responsability the parent so age of consent in my book is bs.hence the age of 18 in the usa

[cfiler]

What about the age of consent???? Isn't sex with a 14 yo illegal ....it is in England! Perhaps a trip to the police station may be an idea!!!!

Yup, I'd call the cops. Let them know that the 17 year old raped her. Tell the dispatcher to send police, and an ambulence, because you'll be at his house in afew minutes.

I'd definately call the cops on him, and have him charged.

[paulzane]

Yes pumpd ... my point is for the 17 yo boy who is doing it with the 14 yo girl. That is illegal and even the threat of going to the cops should put the fear of God into him ..... just before the massive beating that other members want to inflict on him!!

[BigLittleTim]

Having sex with a fourteen year old counts as Statutory Rape, no matter how "ready, willing, and able" he or she is. I know how glamorous it can seem to a kid to be participating in the cool parties and "orgies" with the "big kids". How can you make a kid realize that she's still a "kid"?

If this were my daughter or sister I would hope that I could talk to her about having sex being not just an old-fashioned social taboo, but something that helps define who you are. We all know the girls who got labeled as "sluts" and "easy" back in school. It's too easy to just become what everyone expects you already are; ie: a "tramp", etc. etc.

Fourteen is still a girl. She should be building the foundation of the woman she's gonna be one day. Having sexual intercourse too early can lead to all kinds of intimacy problems and relationship issues later in adulthood. We are ALL capable of physically having sex LONG before we're ready for it psychologically.

It's not just S.T.D.s and "gettin' pregnant" that should disuate kids from fvcking around. It's also a big part of who you're becoming as an adult. This is a real difficult path for you to help her along. I hope you can reach her in a way that her own folks might not be able to do.

Good Luck, in loco parentis.

-BigLittleTim

[Foskamink]

Having sexual intercourse too early can lead to all kinds of intimacy problems and relationship issues later in adulthood. We are ALL capable of physically having sex LONG before we're ready for it psychologically.

It's also a big part of who you're becoming as an adult. This is a real difficult path for you to help her along. I hope you can reach her in a way that her own folks might not be able to do.

-BigLittleTim

yeh... most of u guys here are old enough to not go through this anymore.. but i think this is simular to what i did to my new girlfriend... but not on a serious note just insecurity but worked it out.. things could have went way worse... and i can now understand how sex can ruin many girls life with depression and sadness. going to bed goodnight..