Counseling advice

[J-Dogg]

I’ve never seen a consoler before but I’m starting to debate seeing one. I was just looking to see if anyone else has seen one and if it helped or not?
I generally think I know the right things to do, sometimes I don’t do them simply because I take the road that causes the least immediate pain.
I’m with a girl that I really love, we have problems in our relationship and I would like to work them out. I kind of feel if it is to the point we have to pay someone to help us work out our differences, it might be too much work, or simply not be meant to be.

I don’t know if I have a complex, or she does. I always feel her mother never made her take responsibility for her wrong doings. Her mother does the same thing with her younger daughter. You know, it’s the cops fault you got a MIP, It’s the teachers fault you got kicked out of class, It’s your dad’s fault you smoke pot cause he does. I’m not against the thought that maybe I’m just wrong, I can take the criticism and I’ve always tried to make my ultimate goal to make my biggest weakness my biggest strength. But I guess I’d just hope that she could learn to change the bad things, instead of trying to find a reason to validate them. Maybe I can learn a little about my own habits as well.
I
s that something that is going to be reasonably expected from couples consoling? Or is this just me with more wishfull thinking? btw she's 25 I'm 27.

[duramaxedge]

all the stars do it?

[DSM4Life]

I’ve never seen a consoler before but I’m starting to debate seeing one. I was just looking to see if anyone else has seen one and if it helped or not?
I generally think I know the right things to do, sometimes I don’t do them simply because I take the road that causes the least immediate pain.
I’m with a girl that I really love, we have problems in our relationship and I would like to work them out. I kind of feel if it is to the point we have to pay someone to help us work out our differences, it might be too much work, or simply not be meant to be.

I don’t know if I have a complex, or she does. I always feel her mother never made her take responsibility for her wrong doings. Her mother does the same thing with her younger daughter. You know, it’s the cops fault you got a MIP, It’s the teachers fault you got kicked out of class, It’s your dad’s fault you smoke pot cause he does. I’m not against the thought that maybe I’m just wrong, I can take the criticism and I’ve always tried to make my ultimate goal to make my biggest weakness my biggest strength. But I guess I’d just hope that she could learn to change the bad things, instead of trying to find a reason to validate them. Maybe I can learn a little about my own habits as well.
I
s that something that is going to be reasonably expected from couples consoling? Or is this just me with more wishfull thinking? btw she's 25 I'm 27.

You just described my mother to a "T"

[J-Dogg]

You just described my mother to a "T"

The best part of that statment is you realize it. It's a emotional protection device installed into the head of my girl and she does not realize it.

I actually got upset this summer because the younger sister had a party at her grandma's vacation home. The family went over to clean up the mess, so that grandma would not find out. I actually snubbed in and just said, you should make her call her grandmother and appolgize for her choices instead.

[J-Dogg]

all the stars do it?

Good point, all the stars have been married 3 times, lol

[DSM4Life]

My mom does it with my brother. She has also done it with me and my sister but we both matured out of it. Im sorry to say but you will not be able to change that on your own. That stuff goes DEEP, i know cause i seen it first hand.

Same thing like you said, bro is in trouble with the cops, my mom blames cops. She tells me, Why do the cops pick on him all the time ? I say cause he is breaking the @#$%@ing law !!!! and she just discredits what i say. Oh well, nothing i can do to change it.


Thats a really hard place to be esp when you love someone. I feel for you man.

[notus]

If you can find a good one than it is worth it but that can be tough to do.

[Tock]

The best $$$ my employer's health insurance spent went to pay for counseling with my shrink. Once a week for about a year. Best thing I've ever done for myself, too.

The difference between a psychotherapist and a psychologist is that the psychotherapist is a full-fledged medical doctor, can write prescriptions, and is a lot more expensive. A psychologist is limited to just talking to you, but that's all you'll be needing.

Psychologists specialize in different subjects ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychologist ). Open your local yellow pages and look for one that handles family counseling. If you tend to be hard-headed and stubborn, you'll be more likely to search longer for a counselor that you're comfortable with. But, when you find that one that you click with, it'll be worth it.

From what you wrote, it sounds like y'all are co-dependant. It's actually a quite common condition. It's characterized by people who "can feel" what other people are feeling. There are lots of good books on the topic
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special...h=codependancy
so you might consider reading a few of those before you go see a counselor, just to get a general background on the subject. It'll speed things up quite a bit.
"Codependant No More" by Melody Beattie http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Melody_Beattie is a standard work on the subject and worth reading even if you're not codependant.

Another excellent book was written back in the 1960's and was used extensively by the military: I'm Ok, You're Ok. I don't know if it's still in print (it should be), but eBay usually lists it, and you can always find it in a good used book shop. Here's a good article about it on Wikipedia:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis


When you go to counseling with your sweetie, both you and she will have "issues." If one (or both) of you are sufficiently hindered by them, your counselor will probably recommend that you see a counselor seperately so you can work on your own problems. The idea is that 2 screwed-up people are incapable of having a healthy relationship together, so they each work on their own problems, and as they become more healthy as individuals, then they become better able to have a healthy realationship together, and to profit from joint sessions.


---------------------
Kids learn how to interact with others from their parents. If their parents learned unhelpful ways to interact from their parents, well guess what you're gonna learn from them? Most likely, those screwed-up ways.
None of that is your fault. But once you realize your situation, you can learn better ways of getting along with other folks. There are lots of ways to do this, but a helpful counselor is one of the quickest ways to make progress.

It will definitely take a lot of work, a committment to learning healthy ways of interacting with other people, probably a few tears, and some time. In the long run, it will be worth it.

Good luck.

[J-Dogg]

Tock, that is great information I appreciate the time you took to get the information in my hands.

I do think I am stubborn, or hard headed, so it might be difficult for me to find a good a consoler who works for me. I’m becoming better at it though and I’m always willing to try.

After reading up on “codependency” I definitely have quite a few symptoms of it. While I don’t make excuses for the wrong doings, I do enable them as she knows I love her and will get upset, but not leave. She comes from a family with sever drug and alcohol problems and she lost her last job because she was too sick to make it to work the day after drinking. I am friends with her boss and her boss asked me about it, I was honest. It damaged our relationship in her eyes, I did what I thought was right but at what point do I quit trying to be her parent or guide her.
After reading on codependency I’m essentially like her mother. While I don’t make those excuses she just knows she can get away with anything because I won’t walk away. I’m going to take the time to find that book, Codependent no more, or pirate the audio book would be even better!
I’m not sure if she would be classified as codependent too. But this is the first girl I’ve had these problems with but this is also the first girl with these behavior traits I’ve dated. It’s also the only girl I’ve loved this much but I’m starting to second guess my love, maybe I really am just codependent and like trying to fix things.

[wascaptain5214]

i was forced to go to a marriage consoler by the wife. of course she picked a dike. both the b!tches were against me. i was the bad guy. did it help, well i had to play the bills, so i seen the light!

[J-Dogg]

i was forced to go to a marriage consoler by the wife. of course she picked a dike. both the b!tches were against me. i was the bad guy. did it help, well i had to play the bills, so i seen the light!

That was my concern also.

I have traits of so many things, but honestly looking though the "Symptoms" of a person with "XXXXXXXX" almost everyone can say they have 6 of the 10 traits of this "type" of person.

When I read though the "disorders" that people have, I can relate with almost every one of them in some way...even if they contradict each other.

[goodcents]

i was forced to go to a marriage consoler by the wife. of course she picked a dike. both the b!tches were against me. i was the bad guy. did it help, well i had to play the bills, so i seen the light!

Was that after the , you know.........................

[xtreme171]

I am currently seeing one for the past 2 months. I am coming out of a marriage with a woman that sounds just like you described. When she said divorce i said counseling. Her answer was no way so i went alone and it has helped a lot. It makes you see things from different angles and realize a lot of things. I lost my step son, my Wife who i still love very much and my father passed away all in a 2 month period and i can honestly say without counseling i would be lost. Good luck man and keep us posted.

[Tock]

After reading up on “codependency” I definitely have quite a few symptoms of it.

Most people do, too.

Most people are born into dysfunctional families. Parents somehow got the idea that the way to handle children is to abuse them (usually from their parents). Then when those kids grow up, they haven't learned healthy ways to handle problems, so they do the only thing they know--they do what mom and dad did.

And the cycle of craziness repeats itself.


To get out of that hopeless cycle, all that you really need to do is learn healthy ways to interact with other people. Read books on the subject, hang around other people who know how to have healthy relationships and watch what they do. And use a counselor as a coach and guide as you learn new stuff, and try new stuff out.

You'll also want to understand your feelings. Lots of parents teach their kids nonsense when it comes to emotions. "Big boys don't cry," some say. That's crazy, because it teaches kids to hide everything inside themselves. Do that long enough, and you are 100% guaranteed of showing various forms of mental illness. It's like constapation, where you can't get rid of what needs to go, so it hardens, gets stuck, and makes your life miserable. Ya gotta learn how to keep your emotions as free-flowing as, um, other aspects of your life.


Some friends and loved ones won't want to change, some will want to improve. It will be up to you to decide if hanging around people who annoy you is worth the hassle. More than likely, though, as you discover and overcome your problems, other people who live lives without drama, without addiction, without BS, will want to hang around with you. It's just the way things work, the "Birds of a feather" principle. You've seen it -- crazy people hang around together, just like addicts hang around together, like fools do, like rich people do, etc etc etc.


Anyway, you'll do just fine. Start with some books, get yourself a guide (a counselor) to help you along your way, and be prepared to discover a lot of interesting stuff about yourself and your family. When you need courage (you will), hang with your friends. Prepare yourself to shed a river of tears. Prepare to shed burdens of guilt, of needless responsibility for other people's feelings. Prepare to let go of an awful lot of general BS; things are going to get better.

Keep me posted on how things go . . . I'm cheering for ya . . .

[Logan13]

The best $$$ my employer's health insurance spent went to pay for counseling with my shrink. Once a week for about a year. Best thing I've ever done for myself, too.

The difference between a psychotherapist and a psychologist is that the psychotherapist is a full-fledged medical doctor, can write prescriptions, and is a lot more expensive. A psychologist is limited to just talking to you, but that's all you'll be needing.

Psychologists specialize in different subjects ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychologist ). Open your local yellow pages and look for one that handles family counseling. If you tend to be hard-headed and stubborn, you'll be more likely to search longer for a counselor that you're comfortable with. But, when you find that one that you click with, it'll be worth it.

From what you wrote, it sounds like y'all are co-dependant. It's actually a quite common condition. It's characterized by people who "can feel" what other people are feeling. There are lots of good books on the topic
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special...h=codependancy
so you might consider reading a few of those before you go see a counselor, just to get a general background on the subject. It'll speed things up quite a bit.
"Codependant No More" by Melody Beattie http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Melody_Beattie is a standard work on the subject and worth reading even if you're not codependant.

Another excellent book was written back in the 1960's and was used extensively by the military: I'm Ok, You're Ok. I don't know if it's still in print (it should be), but eBay usually lists it, and you can always find it in a good used book shop. Here's a good article about it on Wikipedia:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis


When you go to counseling with your sweetie, both you and she will have "issues." If one (or both) of you are sufficiently hindered by them, your counselor will probably recommend that you see a counselor seperately so you can work on your own problems. The idea is that 2 screwed-up people are incapable of having a healthy relationship together, so they each work on their own problems, and as they become more healthy as individuals, then they become better able to have a healthy realationship together, and to profit from joint sessions.


---------------------
Kids learn how to interact with others from their parents. If their parents learned unhelpful ways to interact from their parents, well guess what you're gonna learn from them? Most likely, those screwed-up ways.
None of that is your fault. But once you realize your situation, you can learn better ways of getting along with other folks. There are lots of ways to do this, but a helpful counselor is one of the quickest ways to make progress.

It will definitely take a lot of work, a committment to learning healthy ways of interacting with other people, probably a few tears, and some time. In the long run, it will be worth it.

Good luck.

Took alot of guts to post your personal issues like that...........