Well today I found out that my ex fiance was in horrible car accident on Saturday night and is in really rough shape. She is on all sorts of life support and stuff. At first I really didn't think much about it and jsut figured she would be alright. Her mother was able to track down my phone number and called me and said that Erin wanted to see me. I wasn't sure as I didn't know how bad the situation was but once her mother told me how she may not make it I had to go up and see her.

I basically told my current fiance that I had to do this, and that she could come if she wanted but she declined. Erin and I ended rather quickly when I caught her messing around. She was the one who ended it while I tried to keep her. I really had no closure and I have still carried her around inside me in the highest regards. Now I felt like I was doing a good will thing for her and would visit her and try to make her feel better but it was completely different when I got up to New York. All her family was there and they were all in tears. At first they really didn't know why I was there and were kind of shocked that this guy who broke up with their sister, cousin, niece, and granddaughter was there. Her mom came over and told me that she was in and out of conciousness and that she was rejecting the machines (whatever that means).

I wanted to ask her mother why out of everyone out there she had asked for me but I didn't think it would have been in good taste at that junction in time.

After a few hours of sitting around in awkward silence I went out and grabed a smoke with her brother who I hadn't talked to in three years. He was a mess obviously but he said that the entire night she had asked for me. She said that I needed to be there.

When we came back from grabbing a smoke and getting a quick bite at a diner Erins mom said that I should probably go in and see her. She wasn't awake but her mom promised me that she would know I was there. I went in and her mom was going to leave but I asked her to stay. I stood there and just told her that I still loved her. I let it all out but stayed as strong as I could witout breaking down. I said my peace to this girl lying there that I wouldn't even think was her from how badly she was beat up. The only way I knew it was her was the little birth mark on her elbow. I was in there for maybe two minutes but it seemed like a lifetime.

After that I held in the tears and emotion to be strong for her but I had to leave the room. I went straight to the bathroom and balled my eyes out. I made myself throw up I was so upset.

I left the hospital after that without saying bye to anyone at all. I couldn't face these people. I knew in my heart of hearts she wasn't going to live. I knew that I had to say the words to her one last time because I really did still love her.

I drove straight home and then sat in the dark in my apartment. I had turned my phone off when I was driving home but when I turned it back on I had a few messages. They were all from her mother and brother seeing if I was okay. The last message was from my mother. She had a message for me from Erin's mom.... Erin passed away from some sort of complication an hour after I left. I just sat here and cried. I cried and cried and cried. I let it all out. My fiance is calling me non stop but I just tell her to leave me alone.

I don't know what to do now with my life. Yes I am engaged to an amazing girl but the real love of my life has always been Erin. She is gone now. She will never come back. I just hope that she heard me when she was in that bed.

I don't know why I posted this all here but I just needed an outside source to yell to. I guess I feel okay that no one knows me on here and that I can just be honest and show all my emotion since no one will ever be any wiser to who this sir lifts-a-lot guy is.

Sorry for wasting everyones time who read this.