My personal statement for a job in my local gym...

[Cassano]

Hi guys. I would be grateful if you guys could take a look at this personal statement Ive typed up, its for a job in my local gym. Let me know what you think of it and if its all relevant

cheers!


After a series of bad ankle injuries left me unable to play football for several months and overweight I decided to take up full time education and learn as much as possible about health and fitness. I enrolled at College in August 2006 the end result was (award).

I felt throughout my time at college I excelled whenever I was taking practical sessions in the gym, this involved taking groups or individuals through the facilities of the gym and explaining how each of them worked with practical demonstrations, which muscle groups were being used and correcting their own form if necessary. On occasions I would also provide individuals with training programmes and dietary advice tailored to their own goals. Through this experience I gained valuable knowledge of how clients act and behave when they first enter the gym and how vulnerable they may feel and what I can do to make them feel more relaxed. I am also first aid trained.

I work well with people on all levels and will happily take on a leadership role when required, as I have proved throughout my time at college, it also gave me the confidence to communicate well with people from all walks of life and has improved my social and inter-personal relationship skills with the others. I have been called upon numerous times to coach classes as a whole or as individuals. I am happiest when I am able to help people meet and exceed their own goals. It is also encouraging to know that on a number of occasions I have been able to build up a fellow students trust in myself by training them correctly or passing on my own knowledge.

I am a naturally cheerful, approachable, flexible, adaptable person with good teamwork and interpersonal skills developed in my current and past employment history combined with the skills and qualifications from my time at college are skills which are highly transferable to the role of gym instructor. To achieve my own goals has taken a lot of research and thought over the past two years. it was obvious that this kind of work was what I wanted to do.

I am always looking to improve my own CV and achievements and would relish going on courses that would enhance this.

Being fit and healthy means different things to different people, but the bottom line is that it's something which should be a positive and integral part of your life. I'm extremly passionate about my work and will give 100% commitment to helping customers achieve their goals.

[Auss11e]

Your hired!

[Cassano]

cheers dude, its just a first draft so far.

[Auss11e]

I couldn't help but notice you have no copyright on this!

I might just copy and paste this!!! lol

[CSAR]

OK for a rough draft. Just for clarification, is this your cover letter for your resume (CV)? Just some friendly advice from a linguistics professor of little persuasion and no fame:
1. You need to state that you are applying for a certain position at the specific gym in your opening sentence (e.g., I am applying for the position of personal trainer at Dave's Gym.).
2. Too many run-on sentences and several short sentences that seem out of place (e.g., you talk about making clients feel comfortable and then state you are first-aid trained...Does this mean you are trained but not certified?).
3. Too many "fluff" sentences. Prospective employers don't care about your ankle injuries, being overweight, what makes you happy, etc. A cover letter should be short, sweet, & to the point.
4. You state that your leadership is proven. How is it proven? Nothing I have read in your letter leads me to believe your leadership is proven, unless you've led men into battle, supervised a project that led to a lucrative business deal, been a manager of a major company, etc. Unless your resume contains information that can back up your claims, then don't list it on your cover letter.
5. "Naturally cheerful, passionate, etc., etc." Are there any applicants who are unnaturally cheerful, couldn't give a rat's ass, etc.? Eliminate statements that cannot be quantified.

These are just some of the things that stand out after a first reading. A lot of prospective employers look over the cover letter ONLY once and discard the ones that read like yours (yes, I know it's just a draft).

My 2 cents: Keep it short and sweet. State your certified qualifications, but leave out intangibles that can't be supported. Make statements that can be backed up in your resume.

My last cover letter was about 100 words. Everything that I stated was supported by the information in my resume. Out of 900+ people that applied for the position, I was one of 50 who was invited for an interview, one of 25 invited back for a second interview, and one of 9 who was accepted for a position.

Please don't misread my post. I'm not trying to flame, discourage, or on your day. You've shown a lot of balls posting your draft on an open forum. I just want to supply you with a few ideas to tighten up your cover letter and help you get the job you're applying for.

BEST WISHES & GOOD LUCK!!

[Dukkit]

csar... is good ppl

and i never knew you were a professor. no wonder you make fun of me for my wording. lol

[CSAR]

csar... is good ppl

and i never knew you were a professor. no wonder you make fun of me for my wording. lol

Yeah, I come here to let my hair down. It's nice to type away without having to be PC and scholarly. But, hey, I don't make fun of you for your poor wording...I make fun of you because you're an over-sexed, anabolically-enhanced post whore!!

[Dukkit]

Yeah, I come here to let my hair down. It's nice to type away without having to be PC and scholarly. But, hey, I don't make fun of you for your poor wording...I make fun of you because you're an over-sexed, anabolically-enhanced post whore!!

ahhh, i see. i knew you loved me. (in a non gay way of course)

ill stop jackin this guys thread now.


sorry thread writer

[Cassano]

Thanks a million CSAR this is exactly what I was looking for, constructive criticism!

It isnt a covering letter its a section of the application that asks me to state 'how your experience, skills and training both inside work make you a suitable candidate for the post.

Thanks again for your advice, much appreciated!!

[CSAR]

Ah, cheers, I understand what it is now. Put your experience, skills, and qualifications into quantifiable statements, such as:

EXAMPLE
I have 3 years experience as an NATA-certified athletic trainer at the University of Birmingham. In addition, I am ARC certified in both first-aid and CPR. As a potential employee, I would require very little additional training to become a productive member of your staff. My prior experience and qualifications will save Dave's Gym both time and money.

Prospective employers LOVE to hear that you possess qualifications that'll save them time and money. They are looking for someone who can hit the ground running with very little training.

GOOD LUCK!!

[Cassano]

thats a really strong paragraph there CSAR. I owe you one, its definitely going in my statement.

'Led me into battle'... LOL!!!

thanks again.

[CSAR]

No worries mate!!

Yosh!!!!