Application to date my daughter..

[Matt]

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________



BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No


Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No



If No, explain: __________________________________________________ ___________
__________________________________________________ ___________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________ ________________________

__________________________________________________ __________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? & __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

__Yes __No


(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________



__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ________ ____

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend __________________________________________________ _

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your: father? _____________

mother? _____________ pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:

__________________________________________________ ____________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

__________________________________________________ ____________

C: A woman's place is in the:

__________________________________________________ __ __________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

__________________________________________________ ____________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

__________________________________________________ ____________

G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANTI TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


_________ ________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.

Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury).


If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating (below).


Parents' Rules for Dating Your parents' rules for your boyfriend:



Rule One:



If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:



You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peek at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them from yours.

Rule Three:



I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.



Rule Four:



It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Five:



I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Six:



As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Seven:



The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Eight:




Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Nine:



Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a sand dune near Kuwait . When the nerve agents effects starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[Surreal]

Did the father of BuffedGuy's would be future wife/flawless beauty compose this lovely application?

[J-Dogg]

I'd actually do pretty well on the application.

But I'm a dirt bag.

All parents love me. I was a good boyfriend to girls until 2 years ago.

Normally it just takes a few girls to treat you bad,and you hate them all!

[D7M]

Did the father of BuffedGuy's would be future wife/flawless beauty compose this lovely application?

[gst528i]

Did the father of BuffedGuy's would be future wife/flawless beauty compose this lovely application?

[T-MOS]

I need to see naked pictures of your daughter before I fill out this application!!

[Matt]

[J-Dogg]

I need to see naked pictures of your daughter before I fill out this application!!

I'd also want to see a naked picture of the guy dating my daughter.

DOn't want her getting poked by some giant rod.

My sister married to a guy that is VERY passive and quite. He can't fix shit around the house and I love it.

I told my brother last week:

"I am glad sister married John, there is no way he could tear that shit up in bed"

[J-Dogg]

I need a fax number to send this finished application!

Can I start calling you dad?

[IM708]

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME____ironmaiden708_______________________ DATE OF BIRTH___1/2/69__________

HEIGHT_____5'2"______ WEIGHT___20 stones_________ IQ____190/4___ GPA___-2.32__________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_____burned w/ my pare-ents_______ DRIVERS LICENSE #____666-6969-69____________



BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES________didn't get badge cuz Kiled leader ____________________________

HOME ADDRESS______69 ____________ CITY/STATE___yo mommas vagina_____ ZIP__14224_

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No __X_Killed them


Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No _X__They are animals



If No, explain: lived w wulves kiled pairents decided it would be best, thay taut me how to reed and rite__________________________________________________ ___________
__________________________________________________ ___________________

Number of years they have been married ___idk___________________________

If less than your age, explain
____does not apply_____________________________________ ________________________

__________________________________________________ __________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes _x_No

B. A truck with oversized tires? & __Yes _x_No

C. A waterbed? _x_Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes _x_No

E. A tattoo? __Yes _x_No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

_x_Yes __No


(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

____ its when i dont eet midnite, thats ez one ______________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________



__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

__Wut duz this werd touch meen dem wulve nvr tought me tat ________________________________________________ ________ ____

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

___Nut having sex on the first date, du!_______________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend
___Siantolog__________________________

How often you attend
___Cant dis-close________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your: father? ___An-y-tim-e__________

mother? ____not before or after 7pm___ pastor? ___pay him 20k and your all set__________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:

______On my cow-ch sins i'd ruin da lether____________________________________________ ____________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

____My hart bone______________________________________________ ____________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______Kichen making mee a dam san-witch___________________________ __ __________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

_____Why I love you;re daughter_________________________________ ____________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? _Groe public hare____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

___Chin_______________________________________________ ____________

G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _I brake in so free fo me_________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANTI TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


_________ _____________ironmaiden708______________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


___________THEY ARE DEAD u SO INSENSITIVE____________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_________If u give me yo mommas sig______________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.

Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury).


If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating (below).


Parents' Rules for Dating Your parents' rules for your boyfriend:



Rule One:



If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:



You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peek at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them from yours.

Rule Three:



I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.



Rule Four:



It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Five:



I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Six:



As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Seven:



The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Eight:




Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Nine:



Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a sand dune near Kuwait . When the nerve agents effects starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[*RAGE*]

I justed printed this off....thanks MAD will be using this from now on...

LMAO

[IM708]

MATT du i make da cut or nono?

[4motionr32]

Lol!

[WARMachine]

"I am glad sister married John, there is no way he could tear that shit up in bed"

LMAO!

Stange thing to think about your sister and her husband. lol

[johnnybigguns]

Thats hilarious

[T_Own]

LMAO!

Stange thing to think about your sister and her husband. lol

lol very strange. with my sisters, my biggest thing is "i don't wanna hear about, or else. and if you're friends tell me, then i still blame you."
lol it works pretty well

[G-1000]

[Rugger02]

That was some good stuff.

If you make her cry, I will make you cry...

[Brown Ninja]

before I waste time filling this out....is anal acceptable?

[Scott78]

Haha see the rules part my old man done this with my sisters first boyfriend, cant remember what number it was but my old mans nickname where come from is the mad axeman cos he done 12 years for attacking someone with an axe, say no more, but anyway i was in the room and so was my younger brother, so as if he wasnt shitting himself enough two huge brothers reading to eat him if does anything my dad topped it off, think he wanted to cry

[JiGGaMaN]

i just need the '**** buddy' form.