after 28 years of life, I think I figured out some things about "why"

[J-Dogg]

Why I'm stubborn, hard nosed, think I'm always right, always hard on everyone else, closed off some what emotionally.

This is kind of just a vent, because the way I am, I have very few people I could ever express much with. Any feed back is welcome, or anyone with tips, or similar experience chime in.

I grew up, raised by a single mother, raising 4 kids. I think we all think back and can say "wow I had it ruff" and i'm not going to do that. I never felt I had it the worse, at times I thought I did, but deep down, there were people and kids I knew who had it much worse.

My mom went through 4 marriages, and a few boyfriends in my time living with her.

Early in my life until I was about 7, I watched my mom get beat up a lot, guns pulled on her, went through physical abuse myself sticking up for my little brother and trying to protect my sisters. My younger brother, had a speech problem until he was about 10, and he was generally always the target.

I don't think that really had much effect on me, but did on my brother.

I think most of my issues, stem from a mother who I love dearly, but honestly unless she was extreamly drunk, never once told me she loved me. My mom, in time of need had never been there for me, in time of loss, never checked up on me.

I always was reaching out, to other adults, for this and I've just realized it now. I worked for a landlord starting at age 12, and I've always been a hard worker. I HAD to work for everything I wanted to get, it was not be design though. My mom never had the plan in her head, to think "If I make him buy his own cloths, do his own laundry, cook his own food, buy his own food, starting at age 9, it will install work ethic". This happened because she was too involved with her own needs.

So working for this landlord, she paid me really bad. I was making 1-2 dollars an hour until I was 15. It did not matter, because she was always so impressed, with my work ethic, that she praised me. I did not want money, I wanted attention and a pat on the back. Eventually, when i was a young adult and worked to save up money, she took advantage of me, and I realized I was never a son to her, just cheap labor and tool to make money off.

I worked my way up to managment in a restaraunt by 19 then, and the owner really did take me under her wing and treated me well. I saw a lot of things just "black and white" and I think she liked that part about me, but it was a product of my life. I never talked about my feelings, with anyone, her included, girl friends, sister, brother no one, not even drunk, I keep everything inside.

I went through some tuff losses, and tuff times. By 15, my mom was "moving" and there was no room for me, so I was forced out on my own when she sold the house, to get a harley, mustang and move in with her boyfriend while they planned on building a new house. I never asked or recived any financial support, not even $20 for some groceries or to help with a security deposit for an apartment. My mom was not poor at this point, she was a RN making $30 an hour, her husband/boyfriend she lived with was an union master electrician making over 80k a year.

I remember I lived with a girl for 4 years, and things were pretty serious. My brother just moved home from Iraq, and I invited him to stay with us. Eventually, my brother and my girl friend were sleeping together, and that was the hardest thing I ever had to go through. At the time, I already had some deep rooted emtion, just because my little brother was finally home and safe, and I trusted them both.

My mom never once, called to check up on me, was never there for me. One person called me, my boss. She worked for me, gave me some paid leave, a few days but wanted me to take more but because of the way I am, I did not want to sit at home thinking and crying.

Loosing family members was the same, or people close to me. Dealing with failing at anything, no one ever told me it was okay, that it happens, you just start over.

Being raised this way, has made me very hard on girl friends, when they look for sympathy, they get none. There problems don't matter, or are ridiculous to even complain about to me, easy solutions. Every battle, obstical or challenge I feel I have to make work, I have to come out a head, I can never give up I have to prove something. Not everything is bad about this, but there is always a lot of weight o my shoulders, and has been since I've been very young. I've failed at few things, but when i did, no one was ever there to tell me it was okay. In sports, career, school, anything.

For some reason, I've just realized this now, at 28. I never thought about it before either. I always just thought, this is life, this is how it is, and this is what you do. When things are hard, you grind through. I love my mom to death, would never say any of these things to her, because she was simply ignorant and I don't feel she ever intentionally did not care, it was just how she was.

[tboney]

Wow! You have been thru alot! Do you really want some honest feed back???

[J-Dogg]

I can take it, I think. In a way, i hate to even complain and I'll never use anything from my upbringing as an excuse for any choices I make or things I fail to over come.

[tboney]

I understand. It sounds to me like your mom did a very poor job of putting your needs in front of her own. Obviously she loves you but your kids come first!! Especially at that age. Im sure she had issues that clouded her judgement where you were concerned. Even though you prospered and was able to make it through all those hard times without any emotional, financial or parental support, you still deserved to have those things! Every kid does! What you have to understand that if you want to have meaningful relationships in your life you have to give your loved ones the same emotional support and sympathy that you didnt get. Again, I am sure that your mother loves you and did the best that she could but you deserved more! So do the people in your life. Especially a woman that you want to have a good relationship with.

[J-Dogg]

I understand. It sounds to me like your mom did a very poor job of putting your needs in front of her own. Obviously she loves you but your kids come first!! Especially at that age. Im sure she had issues that clouded her judgement where you were concerned. Even though you prospered and was able to make it through all those hard times without any emotional, financial or parental support, you still deserved to have those things! Every kid does! What you have to understand that if you want to have meaningful relationships in your life you have to give your loved ones the same emotional support and sympathy that you didnt get. Again, I am sure that your mother loves you and did the best that she could but you deserved more! So do the people in your life. Especially a woman that you want to have a good relationship with.

I agree, it's just taken me a long time to figure it out.

I remember one thing that really was ruff for me too was for my entire high school life, I had awful acne. It was really really bad, all over my face and neck.

A teacher talked to me about it it even, it was so embarrassing. It started in Jr. High and my older sister at the time had braces, my younger sister was in 5th grade and had braces. But my mom would not even take me to a dermatologist.

I'm a good looking guy too, and it was devistating to look in the mirror every morning with the way my face looked, somthing similar to the faces of meth.

I had a family doctor, and I went to him when i got the chicken pox in 5th grade. My mom would not pay the $75 fee because her insurance would probably not cover the visit because it was cosmetic.

When I was 20, I went to a dermatologist myself, paid $100 for a visit and got a $15 script to tetracycline (sp) I took it for 2 months and have had clear skin ever since, and don't even use it anymore. I remember how much that sucked, and how much it messed up my confidence.

[tboney]

It sounds like it is time for you to acknowledge and accept that your mother did a poor job of meeting your needs. It wont help to be resentful or angy about it, although you have every right to be!! Just try to forgive her and move forward. The best thing you can do is to love and support the people in your life. Everyone needs emotional support!! Give that to the people in your life and expect it from them! I have been through some ruff times in my own life and it was helpful to me to get into therapy for a while. Sometimes its hard to let go of the past and therapy can help that!

[eatrainrest]

hey bro your a tough kid...it built you strong at least you know that and your not a weak link..goodluck to you

[vpchill]

Hey, Good to hear you are realizing your struggle and overcoming. We all go through alot, I could fill this board with all my stories. Its those who overcome who are truly special. Believe it or not its what you went through that made you how you are, so you were affected you just dont let it bring you down.
As for your brother, You see people for what they really are when they think your not looking. I just lost 3 guys that Ive been with for 20years. If there is a such thing as best friends they were it. They decide to move on and talk bad about me for some reason. I chalk it up and move on. Born alone Die alone. The only person you can depend on is YOU.

[bushido3374]

J-Dogg, I think you are on track with realizing how your life has impacted the person you are today. That's just the first of several steps you'll need to take to overcome this influence. You're right to see that it's been a source of strength and determination in some ways. I think you're becoming aware of how it's been a serious hinderance to your emotional development in other areas.
You sound very intelligent. I'd urge you to keep looking for the truth and the solutions that match them. You don't have to be a kid to seek out mentors and positive role models. The people I've surrounded myself with are good, trustworthy people. They've contributed alot to the person I am today.
How's your sense of self worth? Do you love yourself? That can be a tough one, but so damned important.

[bushido3374]

Also- check out some books on growth and sprituality, or consider counseling. Many "manly men" will scoff, but they're not who you need to relate to right now. Turn your tenacity and courage inward and challenge yourself to overcome. You remind me somewhat of part of my past and what I went though when I started to figure things out.

[J-Dogg]

J-Dogg, I think you are on track with realizing how your life has impacted the person you are today. That's just the first of several steps you'll need to take to overcome this influence. You're right to see that it's been a source of strength and determination in some ways. I think you're becoming aware of how it's been a serious hinderance to your emotional development in other areas.
You sound very intelligent. I'd urge you to keep looking for the truth and the solutions that match them. You don't have to be a kid to seek out mentors and positive role models. The people I've surrounded myself with are good, trustworthy people. They've contributed alot to the person I am today.
How's your sense of self worth? Do you love yourself? That can be a tough one, but so damned important.

Since being on my own, I certainly love myself, maybe too much. I'd defiantly be narcissistic to a fault even maybe.

It stems from having to over come so much, and this is why in a relationship, I'm not as supportive as I should be when my partners experience hardships.

I bury myself in what I set out to achive, I'm glad I never did req drugs because I have an obsessive personality that works great for my career and working out, but if I had made bad choices, would have really damaged me.

I'm a confident guy though, just a little closed off. Like a lot of guys here, I grew up poor, neglected and never grew much over 140lbs.

I changed that, I now own 3 homes, a good profitbable growing company, no debt that does not show profit from it and I'm 6' 210lbs and sub 10% bf.

I've improved every part of my life further than anyone thought I could. Some of that stems from not thinking it's okay to fail. In a way, it's work out well, just some encouragement, mentoring and some love through the process would have been nice.

[DSM4Life]

What doesn't kill you, makes you a stronger person.

[Tock]

Welcome to the club.

Few parents take really good care of their children. The rest of us kids, well, we have to make the best of whatever neglect and abuse we endured.

It's not unlike a mother having children in the Sahara desert knowing there's no food around to feed the kids. The children absolutely have to eat, and they'll need clothes and medical care, but they'll end up doing without. By the time they're adults, they have significant health problems and won't live to see age 40.

We neglected/abused kids (welcome to the club) didn't get nurturing or learn a lot of important social skills from their parents, so we end up doing the best we can with what we've got. It's a painful process getting acquainted with this unhappy reality, but it is what it is.

Probably the best thing to do at this stage of the game is to read a wide variety of self-help books, and after a while shop around for a counselor you feel comfortable talking to. You'll need to greive for what could have been, and that will involve wallowing through 4 messy emotions (denial, anger, depression, deal-making) before resigning yourself to your situation. Anticipate lots of tears, fist pounding, and sadness in the process, but after a while you won't be angry at people any more for what's happened to you. And you won't be angry at yourself.

Yep, the basic story here is, you didn't get all the love and guidance you had to have as a child, and now it's causing problems for you. An important thing for you to know is that none of it is your fault. There was nothing you could have done to make things better back then. And now, well, there is nothing wrong with you. Chances are, though, that you could learn a few social skills to make up for things you didn't learn from your parents.
Some good self-help books and a good counselor can help put things right again. I hope you get on that road to a better life.

[bushido3374]

Tock articulated this alot better than I did.

[Lightsout2184]

hey bro sounds like u been through some tuff times. the good thing is ur still very young at 28 and when u have ur own family u can give ur kids the things u never got to have and im not talking just about material objects. life in the end is what u make of it. we might not all get the same starting base but through hard work and dedication any of us can make it to the top.