More About Bigorexia

[den5]

I posted this in another forum but because the topic has come up here I decided to repeat it.
I have been involved with bodybuilding for about 40 years. I got involved when the only protein powders around were Joe Weider's and the Bob Hoffman stuff.
I'm 58, 5'9" and was happy for some time at 170-175. When I was 17 I weighed 188 and thought I wasn't big enough. I was totally obsessed with bodybuiding in high school. I attended the MR. Olympia in 1965 and 66 when Larry Scott won. My weight has fluctuated over the years according to my interest.
Recently I decided to "get big" again. I quickly got my weight back up to about 185 (muscle memory). I then decided I would see if I could get bigger than I've ever been. Its amazing how fast some issues came back. I thought I had resolved these issues but I again became obsessed with eating and force-feeding, lifting very heavy ( to the point of taking some stupid risks), becoming fearful of missing a meal or of not sleeping, fearful of missing a workout, constantly questioning if I'm lifting too much or too little, analyzing workouts for flaws, seeing myself as small compared to pros, etc.
I'm married 30 years to a woman I love very much. She asked me recently to not gain any more weight. I just nodded my head. I found myself saying to myself later that night "to hell with her, I'm just going to gain 5 more pounds." I now know that gaining the 5 would mean wanting to gain another 5, etc. It also hurt and surprised me that I was talking about her this way.
After getting a lttle bigger than I've ever been I woke up recently at 3am and the first thing I thought was "I'm making myself sick with this, I'm totally obsessed with this again." I also had begun to eat for function rather than enjoyment. I felt bad that I had begun eating food I didn't like but felt I needed.
I've learned that this can be a full blown addiction for me. I've never cycled nor do I intend to. Frankly, I'm afraid of what I would do with it. I have a history of drug addiction and alcoholism and thanks to a 12 step program I have not touched alcohol or drugs in 30 years(I'm not bragging, I was helped by many people). It has helped me to use what I've learned there and apply it to bodybuilding and believe me I don't like it. I wanted to believe I can control this by myself and found, to my surprise, that I can't. I see a therapist for other issues but because he is also an addiction counselor he has helped me with this. I don't like therapists but this addiction counselor has helped me see that this is a problem I need to change. They don't have to be bodybuilders to understand. Its very painful to be obsessed with this. I stopped enjoying my wife(as I said, she started to annoy me) and lost interest in other things that I'm usually into. I cut back on my workouts and lowered the food intake and I feel better physically and mentally. This was starting to cost me more than I bargained for.
I'm not trying to sell therapy or anything else. Its just my experience with "bigorexia." Who's going to win the Mr. O?

[sizerp]

Dude, if you want to be big, do it. If that is what makes you happy (sounds like it) than Fing do it. I am not saying you should disrespect your wife, or trying to persuade you to juice... but... it seems like BBing has been a passion of yours for a long time, so why not just accept it?

We're some of the most health-concious people on the planet. It's something you should be proud of. If you have OCD issues, maybe talk to someone about how to not freak when you miss a meal etc.

All you though man, it's your body, not your wives... no matter how much she'd like to debate that.

Wives aren't permanent.