Might need a little moral support

**lovbyts** · 09-26-2011, 04:26 AM

Some of you may remember I have mentioned my mom has Pancreatic Cancer. I found out 10 months ago a week after I had surgery for a detached Retina and was not allowed to work, drive or even turn my head up to 90% due to a bubble in my eye ball to help hold the retina in place for healing for almost 3 months. To say the least it was a hard 3 months with everything involved.

The doctors only gave her 3 - 6 months to live at that time but it has been 10 months now. She has had some OK and no so OK weeks or days up until recently. Not long ago she had to go on 100% liquid diet due to the tumors pushing on the stomach and not allowing solids to pass. She had 2 surgeries placing stints in her to help let food and bial pass but they cant do anymore.

I think we are down to the last days; week at the most. She is very frail, down under 80 lbs and the last 2 days can not walk without assistance. Most of last week was hard on her throwing up several times, feeling BAD. Yesterday she just slept 23 out of 24 hrs and so far the same today.

It's going to be hard because she wants to die at home so it means I will probably be there when she passes away and have to take care of all the details. I have already been dealing with most of the arrangements ahead of time. Not a pleasant task. After all this I have to get the properties in order for the will and such. More fun ahead for the next month or two.

I'm sure some of you have been through similar. I sort of have but not to this detail where I had to take care of everything or take care of someone while they are dieing slowly. She has been saying she is ready to go and just wishes it was over for a while. She is 86 and has always been healthy, eaten good, took her vitamins daily and exercises up until this happened, She still walked on her treadmill a mile or so most every day up until a couple of weeks ago.

So, any words of wisdom from people who have been through similar would be appreciated.

Thanks.

**SexySweetheart** · 09-26-2011, 04:47 AM

that is so completly sad. She is very fortunate to have a child that is strong and loving enuff to see her wishes threw.

sounds like you have had one hell of a year. wish I had advice for you to help you threw the process, but I dont. So I will just remind you that you have been caring for your mom the way she wanted, keeping your self fit, taking care of your personal buisness and logging in the site to deal with us mofo's ~if you can do all this, you can also handle the hard tasks ahead of you.

I cant imagine what your going threw or feeling, my thoughts are with you.

**DSM4Life** · 09-26-2011, 05:04 AM

My grandmother was really sick before she passed. At some point you have to realize that its better for them to pass than to keep hanging on. Best thing you can do is make her feel as comfortable as possible until she passes.

**marcus300** · 09-26-2011, 05:05 AM

Reading your words have brought sadness to my day,
take this special time to hold your Mother and express your feelings and thoughts,
My thoughts are with you, stay strong

But Not Forgotten
I think no matter where you stray,
That I shall go with you a way.
Though you may wander sweeter lands,
You will not forget my hands,
Nor yet the way I held my head
Nor the tremulous things I said.
You will still see me, small and white
And smiling, in the secret night,
And feel my arms about you when
The day comes fluttering back again.
I think, no matter where you be,
You'll hold me in your memory
And keep my image there without me,
By telling later loves about me.
Dorothy Parker

**Kawigirl** · 09-26-2011, 07:53 AM

My mom passed suddently lovbyts...doubt knowing or not knowing is any easier.

I also had to make arrangements as my dad was a mess. I think it only kept me busy from accepting the events that just happened. Take time afterwards for yourself to reflect.

Look how strong you are now for your mom....and when she leaves....you'll be even stronger and probably an even better version of what you already are!

~hugs

**gixxerboy1** · 09-26-2011, 08:10 AM

I'm sorry to hear lovbyts. I went through this in January with my father, i wish there was something any of us could say but it sucks.
All i can say is the arrangements even though its stress full and upsetting to do can be made pretty quickly and easily. I wouldnt worry about taking time to do that now. Spend as much time as you can with your Mom now and worry about that stuff later.

**HitIt** · 09-26-2011, 08:28 AM

went through this in 06 with my father..skin cancer....he wasted down to 120 from 185...he suddenly died on the kitchen floor in my mother's arms...he bled out through his nose..never regained consciousness (all this due to chemo and radiation) ...sounds like you're doing all you can so like everyone above has said, just be there for her...not much more you can do. stay away from booze.

**lovbyts** · 09-26-2011, 08:54 AM

Originally Posted by gixxerboy1

I'm sorry to hear lovbyts. I went through this in January with my father, i wish there was something any of us could say but it sucks.
All i can say is the arrangements even though its stress full and upsetting to do can be made pretty quickly and easily. I wouldnt worry about taking time to do that now. Spend as much time as you can with your Mom now and worry about that stuff later.

Yeah I understand on waiting but she is one who likes to know that it's all taken care of and I have been looking into things because she is also frugal and does not want to much done. It's pretty expensive here also for a basic service with a CHEAP coffin is 15K+ but she wants a NICE solid wood casket. We alread picked it out and pre ordered it. Yeah it sounds strange but it's $1500 vs $5000 at the funeral home for the exact same thing.

Also if you wait until after the fact they just give you a price, what ever they think you can afford but if you pre arrange they have to go with what is standard or they know you will walk and go somewhere else. Its worse than used cars sales or dealership auto repair. A real rip off based on someones grief.

Originally Posted by HitIt

went through this in 06 with my father..skin cancer....he wasted down to 120 from 185...he suddenly died on the kitchen floor in my mother's arms...he bled out through his nose..never regained consciousness (all this due to chemo and radiation) ...sounds like you're doing all you can so like everyone above has said, just be there for her...not much more you can do. stay away from booze.

Wow, that would be hard. Yeah my mom opted out of doing any Chemo because she knew, we explained to her and the doctor also that since she was 86 the Chemo would kill her quicker than the cancer and she would be sick from day one.

Thanks for the kind words guys.

**auslifta** · 09-26-2011, 10:04 AM

Sorry to hear about this mate. Thoughts for you and family. I don't think there is anything I could say to make this any easier for you. Hope the suffering ends for her.

**dec11** · 09-26-2011, 10:14 AM

sorry to hear mate, lost an aunt and an uncle within 2yrs of each other to cancer. its a horrible indiscriminate condition.

**Necrosaro** · 09-26-2011, 11:04 AM

Lost my mom to cancer in 09, lost grandma in 2010, my sister lost her baby a few weeks ago, and almost lost my dad recently with 2 heart attacks. You cannot really say much but over the years of dealing with everything I have gone through is to reassure them that everything will be taken care of and that just being there is the best thing you can do.

**lovbyts** · 09-26-2011, 09:15 PM

Thanks again guys. Sorry to see so many others have lose a loved one to cancer also recently.
Today was not a good day. she was even more non responsive than yesterday. Yesterday I was able to help her sit up a few times, eat some jello, drink some milk and water but today she can no longer sit up or even drink water from a straw and is now hooked up to a catheter, water is administered via sponge and she is not able really communicate anymore. We had to get a hospital bed so we can adjust it and can keep her moving so she does not develop bed sores.

As much as things have changed in the last 48 hrs I find it hard to see how she can last another 48 hrs. I know she is ready and she doesnt want to be here anymore especially like this and I cant blame her.

**10nispro** · 09-26-2011, 09:32 PM

Lovbyts....I know what you are going thru. I was with my grandmother and grandfather at the time of their death. I also was the last person to be spoken to by my father before lung cancer took him in a short 7months. Its never easy and I was a medic for 10 years. When its a dear loved one, its HARD!!!!

Her body is slowly shutting down and she will soon be with her maker... You are a great person being with her even if she doesn't seem to know, angels are watching you and taking care of you, not just now, but they will remember when times are tough for you.. God Bless You and your family and may your loved you pass in peace.. Todd

**lovbyts** · 09-27-2011, 01:49 AM

10nispro, yeah I bet that was tough. I'm sort of the type who keeps pretty focused on the task until it's over then the flood gates will open. When my daughter was 6 she put her hand through a single pane window playing at the neighbors. She cut her wrist cutting 3 of the tendons to her fingers and another one 1/2 through. Luckily she immediately grabbed a rag and put pressure on it because I had showed her how to do that just days before on a cut I got so she didnt bleed out. She cut right next to the artery but it still spattered all over the wall, her face and clothes but not nearly as bad as it could have been. I just looked at it, re wrapped it and drove to the hospital. After she was out of danger the emotions rushed over me but up to then I was calm, cool and focused. It felt weird.

I'm sure after everything is done I will have a lot of time to reflect while I'm getting the house and everything else in order.

**Times Roman** · 10-02-2011, 05:26 AM

LB,
I have not gone through what you are going through, so all I can say is just hang in there and keep the dear old gal as comfortable as you possibly can, and keep the suffering to a minimum, as much as you can.
.... I hope I never have to deal with what you are dealing with, only time will tell. Thoughts are with you!!!

**lovbyts** · 10-03-2011, 10:39 AM

Thanks guys for the kind words. I was right when I said she did not have much time left and I though she would go quickly now.

My mom passed away Tuesday morning around 3:15 am. My sister and a dear friend of my moms were staying with her. My sister had just gone to her room for a while and came out an hour later and she was gone. She has labored breathing the last 24 hrs so we knew it would be soon. I was able to say my goodbyes and I love you to her before I left for work. I was back there around 4am to start taking care of the arrangements.

We had her memorial service Sunday at her church she attended the last 25 years. We will have a burial service Tuesday. She is being burried up near Jimmy Hendrix... ON not next to him but the same cemetery .

Now comes all the work after Tuesday of dealing with the rest of the family who did no make it and want pictures, cards, infor and more important there share of ??? I'm sure the fun is just beginning especially some of the email I have been getting of people feeling left out. LOL

**juice box** · 10-03-2011, 10:56 AM

Sorry to hear about your mom....Nothing hurts more then loseing a loved one. She made you who you are today and she will still live inside you . I lost my grama 2 months ago we where really close . It is so hard to stay strong and not brake down . Stay strong you make her proud everyday ..............

BG · 10-03-2011, 11:00 AM

Very sorry to hear this. Remember the good days, forget about the last year.

**marcus300** · 10-03-2011, 11:02 AM

condolences

Take care

**kloter1** · 10-03-2011, 11:21 AM

dam bro that sounded real tough. im so close with my mom i would totally lose it if i were in your shoes. It sounds like you are a strong person and will be there for the rest of your immediate family. Keep your spirits up brutha. hit that gym hard!

**dec11** · 10-03-2011, 11:54 AM

condolences mate

**lovbyts** · 10-08-2011, 08:39 PM

Thank you guys again for the kind thoughts and words. It's been a busy week as some of you are aware of from your own experiences.

Today is my first day back to work and back on the net. I have been keeping myself busy doing what I do best, taking care of what needs done with the house and properties. It's still going to be a long process since I am the main one who will be doing everything. The rest of the kids/family are all out of state except one sister but as usual it's up to me to take care of everything else for everyone including sorting, packing and sending things to people as well as inspecting, fixing and doing any repairs or upgrades on the house before it goes on the market. I'm glad I have been keeping up on it the last 20 years so there should not be that much to do... Knock on wood.

Its tough going through 70 years of photos and deciding what gets sent to who as well as many of my own pictures from the last 40 years that are there. It's kind of heart breaking throwing away 70 years worth of birthday, Christmas, mothers day and other cards from people to her as well as the cards from me from age 2 on up. A lifetime of memories put into the recycle bin.

Of course some I saved to send back to family members/siblings that I though they would like to have. It's a tedious process at best. For the most part I try to just stay focused on the job at hand and not think about why I am doing it. I feel bad for anyone who has to do a task like this especially if they are alone. Luckily I am not alone for the process although it would be nice to have a little more empathy from my partner but it is what it is and I just deal with things as they come.

Ok enough rambling. We all/you all have your life's also and it's hard to imagine what someone is doing unless you have been there. This is one of those things I had hopped I would never have to do myself and my older siblings would take care of. At least that is how it was planned by my mother and older brother until the last year when it came time to start stepping up and take charge and he decided to pass the ball to me more or less.

Thanks again guys. Hopefully I will be able to get back to my routine soon and start working in the gym more seriously again. It's only been 2 weeks but I will take it slowly at first due to still dealing with shoulder injury and it will take a while for the concentration to get back but for now I'm here.