my mom is gettering remarried

**Hunter** · 07-15-2012, 08:42 PM

I really can't stand the guy cause he is so different from my father. I understand my mom likes the guy and its not like they are rushing into this but I really dislike him and his family. They are a bunch of panty waists.

I dont like the fact he treats my fathers house like its his. He really has no respect for what in my opinion is still my fathers house.

His kids are grown but come and stay at the house because they graduated with a performing arts degree and apparently broadway isnt working out for them.

I cant see he is directly disrespectful but its these little comments he makes and of course I would never ruin this relationship for my mother and she knows my feelings but she is my mother and I need to show her respect I guess I am just venting.

**Times Roman** · 07-15-2012, 10:12 PM

this aint about you, it's about your mom. this man apparently makes her happy, so yes, you need to respect that.

It's your mom's house, and soon she will own it jointly with her new beau, so yes, it will become his house.

It is very difficult for this new man to fight ghosts, and I think he should be comfortable where he lives. So it sounds like you are uncomfortable with this, but try to see it from your mom's and this gentleman's perspective. They should be able to live their own lives, and since you are 25, you need to be respectful of that.

But the transition you are going through, getting used to a new bloke with your mom, can be a little weird at first. Give it a little time. It'll work out.

**lovbyts** · 07-15-2012, 10:22 PM

If he was more like your father would you like him or accept him then? Most kids then accuse the mother of trying to replace your father. It's a catch 22. It's good your mother is making different choices since it didnt work out last time. Are they divorced or she is Widowed?

Your dad is gone so it's not his house, it's your moms house. You may have grown up there and live there but that's only by chance and her allowing it. Bottom line it's only a place.

I just sold my moms house I grew up in from birth until I was mid 20s and I have been taking care if it and her for almost 20 years but bottom line it was hers, not mine unless I bought it. I had to do more work on it and sell it after her death to split up and share with 4 siblings 3 who never lived there but they still get a share and they even had different fathers.

His kids are his kids. They made the choices of career because it's probably what they love. If you lost your job for whatever reason wouldn't you hope you mother would let you stay wherever she is at if it was available? Do you want him to just turn his kids away if they are not doing anything BAD or hurting anyone but only need some help and maybe re direction?

Bottom like if you dont like it move out and get your own place. Learn not to get so attached to THINGS. Try to see what your mother likes in him. Maybe you never will but then if your mother is happy it should be enough. If he isnt being abusive, controlling or taking financial advantage of her and draining her dry then it's really non of your business is it? Even if you THINK he is taking advantage of the situation by living there everyone tries to do things that will help them financially, make life easier or happier. Your mother is probably getting something out of it also even if its companionship. She is human and has needs also although non of us like to see our parents like that.

**Hunter** · 07-15-2012, 10:58 PM

Originally Posted by Times Roman

this aint about you, it's about your mom. this man apparently makes her happy, so yes, you need to respect that.

It's your mom's house, and soon she will own it jointly with her new beau, so yes, it will become his house.

It is very difficult for this new man to fight ghosts, and I think he should be comfortable where he lives. So it sounds like you are uncomfortable with this, but try to see it from your mom's and this gentleman's perspective. They should be able to live their own lives, and since you are 25, you need to be respectful of that.

But the transition you are going through, getting used to a new bloke with your mom, can be a little weird at first. Give it a little time. It'll work out.

I thank you for the advice and I do respect mother choice. I am more or less venting.

**Hunter** · 07-15-2012, 11:07 PM

Originally Posted by lovbyts

If he was more like your father would you like him or accept him then? Most kids then accuse the mother of trying to replace your father. It's a catch 22. It's good your mother is making different choices since it didnt work out last time. Are they divorced or she is Widowed?

Your dad is gone so it's not his house, it's your moms house. You may have grown up there and live there but that's only by chance and her allowing it. Bottom line it's only a place.

I just sold my moms house I grew up in from birth until I was mid 20s and I have been taking care if it and her for almost 20 years but bottom line it was hers, not mine unless I bought it. I had to do more work on it and sell it after her death to split up and share with 4 siblings 3 who never lived there but they still get a share and they even had different fathers.

His kids are his kids. They made the choices of career because it's probably what they love. If you lost your job for whatever reason wouldn't you hope you mother would let you stay wherever she is at if it was available? Do you want him to just turn his kids away if they are not doing anything BAD or hurting anyone but only need some help and maybe re direction?

Bottom like if you dont like it move out and get your own place. Learn not to get so attached to THINGS. Try to see what your mother likes in him. Maybe you never will but then if your mother is happy it should be enough. If he isnt being abusive, controlling or taking financial advantage of her and draining her dry then it's really non of your business is it? Even if you THINK he is taking advantage of the situation by living there everyone tries to do things that will help them financially, make life easier or happier. Your mother is probably getting something out of it also even if its companionship. She is human and has needs also although non of us like to see our parents like that.

I have wondered that if I would accept him more if he was like my father. I think my mom went the opposite direction in chioce because she never could replace my father, he was the best man I ever knew.

I dont live there would be a little weird since I am married and have a family lol

Yes I dont believe a 30 year old who refuses to work cause they want to be on broadway should get free board.

I do feel responsible for my mother because I am the eldest male in our family so it is my business(I am not trying to be rude).

I am not attatched to the house, but I believe respect should be shown to your future wifes dead husband and snide remarks, or trying to throw out his things without anyone knowing is crossing the line.

**lovbyts** · 07-15-2012, 11:28 PM

Originally Posted by mn_fighter

I have wondered that if I would accept him more if he was like my father. I think my mom went the opposite direction in chioce because she never could replace my father, he was the best man I ever knew.

I dont live there would be a little weird since I am married and have a family lol

Yes I dont believe a 30 year old who refuses to work cause they want to be on broadway should get free board.

I do feel responsible for my mother because I am the eldest male in our family so it is my business(I am not trying to be rude).

I am not attatched to the house, but I believe respect should be shown to your future wifes dead husband and snide remarks, or trying to throw out his things without anyone knowing is crossing the line.

Dont worry, no offense taken. I understand, I took care of/watched out for my mom for the last 20 years more or less but it sounds like she has made her choice. Parents are much different than kids, dont tell her why you dont like him, ask her why she does.

Since you are an adult, married and have kids you probably also have experience with you mom not exactly liking everyone you dated although you had your reasons at the time. If not that is rare, I know I have had my share. lol

Are you sure your mother does not know about what he is throwing out? Maybe your mother doesnt want reminded by certain things also but doesnt want to tell you? Maybe it bothers him but not your mother so much. I know about this 1st hand. My current wife shortly after moving in basically went through my house and went through every photo album and removed every picture of me with ANY girl or pictures of ANY girl in them even my previous wedding albums. I didnt make a BIG deal about it but we did have a few talks. I realized she is very insecure about some things and that's not going to change anytime soon but it's not enough to call it quits over.

No one is perfect. Your dad may have been in your eyes but I'm sure you mom could tell you a few flaws if she was honest. She likes this guy for some reason and it's not because he is like your father obviously. If he is making snide remarks then you are old enough to take him to the side and tell him he is out of line and he should be an adult about it and apologize.

As far as his kids if it's only a temporary thing no big deal but if they are making it a career choice (living at home) he needs to kick them to the curb but that is your mom and her boyfriends choice. Talk to her about it and see how she feels. You know in most other countries families stay together even after getting married. There are 2, 3 or 4 generations all living under the same roof and typically they are not all productive at the same time.

**Hunter** · 07-15-2012, 11:47 PM

Originally Posted by lovbyts

Dont worry, no offense taken. I understand, I took care of/watched out for my mom for the last 20 years more or less but it sounds like she has made her choice. Parents are much different than kids, dont tell her why you dont like him, ask her why she does.

Since you are an adult, married and have kids you probably also have experience with you mom not exactly liking everyone you dated although you had your reasons at the time. If not that is rare, I know I have had my share. lol

Are you sure your mother does not know about what he is throwing out? Maybe your mother doesnt want reminded by certain things also but doesnt want to tell you? Maybe it bothers him but not your mother so much. I know about this 1st hand. My current wife shortly after moving in basically went through my house and went through every photo album and removed every picture of me with ANY girl or pictures of ANY girl in them even my previous wedding albums. I didnt make a BIG deal about it but we did have a few talks. I realized she is very insecure about some things and that's not going to change anytime soon but it's not enough to call it quits over.

No one is perfect. Your dad may have been in your eyes but I'm sure you mom could tell you a few flaws if she was honest. She likes this guy for some reason and it's not because he is like your father obviously. If he is making snide remarks then you are old enough to take him to the side and tell him he is out of line and he should be an adult about it and apologize.

As far as his kids if it's only a temporary thing no big deal but if they are making it a career choice (living at home) he needs to kick them to the curb but that is your mom and her boyfriends choice. Talk to her about it and see how she feels. You know in most other countries families stay together even after getting married. There are 2, 3 or 4 generations all living under the same roof and typically they are not all productive at the same time.

I tried to look at it from his perspective, on the throwing out of things and I understand the ghost of my father is heavy in that house. Donating a box of clothes or something he found, I totaly get but these where things that met something to my mom and she wasnt happy about it, I really could see him being uncomfortable if they were out in the open but they weren't
\
I know my father wasnt perfect but my parents really did have a picture perfect marriage. I know thats hard to believe but it really was the truth which is why I think my mom went in such a different direction. I know she doesnt want to replace my dad she wants companionship, I mean she lives in a huge farmhouse if he wasnt there should would be alone.

I have pulled him aside about the comments and told him I understand he is from a different culture but the comments are out of line.

I know this will sound silly to most by my mom is a very sweet christian lady she would never turn anyone out. Its just not in her nature, so if she allows them to stay I keep my mouth shut. I just personally dont like it.

I guess I am just more or less venting cause I dont like the guy. I am civil and would never try to cause problems for them.

I tried bonding with him. He is not the outdoorsy type so I thought we could do something he liked but he declined or cancelled whenever the plans were made.

One example is that he is really into wine and they were having a wine tasting in the city so I told him we should go and he could show my the ropes and he cancelled an hour in a half before we were suppose to go.

My mom is retired now that all our farm land is leased out and us kids run the bars. So she raises horses to keep occupied and I was like hey I will show you the ropes and was really trying to explain everything to him and he spent the whole time texting or checking his email and to me that is just rude.

**Hunter** · 07-15-2012, 11:58 PM

I do understand its gotta be hard that its still referred to as waylons place(my fathers name) by people in town and such but there have been times were he could have handled it with more tact. he does treat my mom well which is what matters the most like I said I am just venting, but holy christ I dont like him.

**lovbyts** · 07-16-2012, 01:43 AM

Well it sounds like you are and have been doing all the right things. Yes you are allowed to vent and you are allowed to not like him. Sounds like there may be some legitimate reasons also. Good thing you are watching out for mom. Hopefully she will listen to you if you think things are not going the way they should and she does not short change herself thinking she cant do any better. She may be at that stage and is willing to take any companionship at this point ignoring what is going on.

**paulzane** · 07-16-2012, 02:17 AM

Some great advice here from some great and knowledgeable guys. This is a good place to vent and get something off your mind. We all need some place like this to help process the sh1t we go through at times ....lol

**lovbyts** · 07-16-2012, 03:44 AM

Originally Posted by paulzane

Some great advice here from some great and knowledgeable guys. This is a good place to vent and get something off your mind. We all need some place like this to help process the sh1t we go through at times ....lol

Personally I prefer Thailand or Philippines for working out my frustrations.

**DSM4Life** · 07-16-2012, 07:50 AM

Just remember he isn't there to replace your father he is there to make your mother happy. If he is succeeding then why would you want to stop that? It's doesn't mean you need to get his best friend but just try and be civil. If there are things he does that get you upset can you approach him and talk about it one on one?

**paulzane** · 07-16-2012, 07:56 AM

Originally Posted by lovbyts

Personally I prefer Thailand or Philippines for working out my frustrations.

Well I was due go to either Ethiopia or Thailand nearly 8 weeks ago but lost my passport!!!!!! I am stuck here until the passport and the visas are sorted out..... and it iramadan in a few days so everything grinds to a halt for 5 weeks..... aaaaaaagh

**lovbyts** · 07-16-2012, 08:05 AM

Originally Posted by paulzane

Well I was due go to either Ethiopia or Thailand nearly 8 weeks ago but lost my passport!!!!!! I am stuck here until the passport and the visas are sorted out..... and it iramadan in a few days so everything grinds to a halt for 5 weeks..... aaaaaaagh

Hmmm I bet I know where it is but she will never admit it. Just another way to fvck with you...

**SexySweetheart** · 07-16-2012, 09:47 AM

....

**Renesis** · 07-18-2012, 08:17 PM

If some guy threw out my dad's stuff.... I punch him in the face no questions asked, but then again my dad taught me how to fight and when to hit a douchebag

**SEOINAGE** · 07-19-2012, 08:11 AM

I totally get how you feel. I deal with similar, and my dads wife acts like she owns everything, which she does, but is really annoying how she acts around things like our boat which he owned before she came around, and I have more work and time into keeping it running then she ever had to do with it. But now I am 31, and its really hard to take the boat out without her meddling and thinking we can't take it without her. Which is ridiculous because I have been taking the boat by myself since I was 16. And its worse when she tells people at an extended family gathering that she doesn't let anyone take the boat out. Anyways, she has her claws sunk into my father so bad and drives me up the wall. And I totally get the thing with the other persons kids, after all my father pays for all of there phone bills and more money goes to her kids from my dads pocket then any of his kids. He doesn't even pay his child support for my younger siblings. I am over the fact that I am entitled to anything, and I have chosen to take care of myself am 31 after all, but this kind of stuff is still ridiculous. I guess If I want to go boating I need to get my own boat, or buy it from him since it rarely gets used now. Plus I have some of my own money into it and time and equipment and I hate seeing pictures of them in lake powell someone riding my wake board, and he never has time for his own family for even a weekend and she drags him out there for 2 weeks at a time and to other vacations for a month at a time, then spends his money to fly to hawaii and visit her kid.

I could go on and on and on. and maybe I will. I think you have every right to be bothered. These kind of things are hard, for me I try to ignore it, the woman is super sensitive, but also very vindictive, so you never know whats going to happen. Ignoring it sucks because more than likely it also means being around your mother less, which reduces the relationship you had, but its also a good point to make a fuss about some of the crap that is driving you crazy.