can't resist any longer...

**clockworks** · 05-06-2003, 06:17 PM

ok, so i've read about tons of fem problems you guys have been having for a while now. i used to post about mine a long time ago, but decided to stop and never mention my female issues again on this board (if for nothing than i thought i sounded pathetic).

anyways, i'm rock bottom...again. so here goes.

met girl, dated for a while, etc. at first she >really< liked me. to the point where i would brag to my friends about how much this girl liked me. it made me feel good too, especially after what happened with my ex gf. at first i was hesistant to get involved with this new girl, but i finally gave in...and soon enough i was really starting to like her. so not too long after i start having feelings for her, she gets pregnant...by me. so we have an abortion (hey, no flack or opinions about that, thats for a seperate thread, not this one, ok?).

here's where it gets hairy. i felt that going thru something so traumatic like that made me feel even closer to her. but she felt the opposite. she started to see less and less of me...started to answer less and less of my calls. i'm miserable and really hurt because i really like her. i think about her all the time, etc. so tonight we saw each other for the first time in 2.5 weeks!!!! =( we went on a dinner date. it was very casual at first, we laughed a lot and stared into each others eyes and what not...i thought there was hope after all. but then i let my stupid insecurities get to me and i said some not too nice things.

i basically said something about how i think she just wanted me, then got me, then threw me to the curb after she was done having fun with me. she got really mad and started saying how i have no idea what it was like to go through what she did etc. i wanted to die right there...=( i felt really bad.

anyways, she goes on to say that she >did< really really like me...and that she's sorry that "circumstances" stopped us from becoming really serious or what not. i got the impression that because of what happened, things are >over< between us.

and now i want to fucking punch through my wall, all i feel is anger and hate. i can't stop thinking about the night the condom broke and how i wish i could go back and change that. i feel like i lost such a great girl because of something that could have been easily prevented. i know i can't live in the past, and i just have to deal with mistakes that were made (even if they are not my fault), but its fucking hard. i'm left wondering where i would be now if i had done something so simple as use high quality condoms. maybe i would be happy now...instead of sad, depressed, angry, and whatever.

life is just one crushing blow after another, isn't it?

and just to pour salt on my wounds, this is the first relationship since my ex that i actually saw hope for. for 6+ months i've been miserable after my breakup, and then this great girl enters my life...and i quickly fuck it up. i want to die...=(

-- clocky baby

**symatech** · 05-06-2003, 06:52 PM

oh shit bro Im sooo sorry to hear that. How long were you two dating before it broke? I'd suggest that you just tell her how you feel...including the part about feeling like an asshole. Definately apologize for what you said at dinner. Basically just put all your cards on the table and hold nothing back. Aside from that there is nothing you really can do. Just let the chips fall where they may. whatever happens you must learn from this experience. not just about using high quality condoms but the entire thing...btw what condoms were u using?

thats all i can say really, i know its not much help to you but I figured something was better than nothing...i wish you luck bro...

peace
symatech

**daem** · 05-06-2003, 07:34 PM

pretty heavy stuff bro...im a pretty reserved guy and put up walls around my friends at times which makes it easier for me to post on the board and get positive feedback from bros who really do care regardless of whether they know you or not. don't ever think that you will get flak for opening up on here because support in all aspects of life will surface if you take the time to post about your problems.

on to your dilemma though, it is sad that things are going the way they are for you now with this girl who you feel has/had so much potential in your life. we all make mistakes with our choices but most of those translate into gained knowledge and the chance to apply it/share it the next day.

it is unfortunate that she got pregnant and then you two decided to abort the child, but shit happens. i have never been in your situation with getting a girl pregnant, but the thought has certainly crossed my mind as one of my best friends got his girlfriend pregnant a few weeks ago. difficult for him because the girl told her parents and they are deeply religious people, so i don't know if they will have the same options as you did.

as far as what you should do, i agree with syma about apologizing to her for your outburst at dinner and then seeing where it goes from there. you have to understand that she is the one who has to deal with the fact that her first child was aborted. im sure thoughts about infertility, etc. are running through her mind at this point just because that is the way we are programmed to think.

both of you have been through alot thus far but all you can do is look to the future for better days. you say you feel you fucked up, but you can still go from here and make the most of it. maybe this situation will bring you closer to her if you give it some time to set the ship on the right course. if you live in the past you are doomed to a life of regret and sorrow when things like this happen.

that is the best advice i can offer bro, i hope things get better and keep your head up. just take responsibility for your actions and everything will work out the way it is supposed to.

**sp9** · 05-06-2003, 07:44 PM

Man, I feel bad for you. I dated three girls that had abortions all within 2-3 years of when we dated. I think it impacts women more than they care to admit. I can't say what it would feel like but it has to really mess with their head even if they think it is the right thing to do.

Condom broke? Man that's bad. Were about a year from a male birth control pill. I will be first in line if all of the data seems ok. I would take it even if the girl says she is on. Just watched a freind who started dating a girl get her pregnant because she switched pills and bad timing. Now they are getting married and he is still in a mode where he gets tired of a girl in less than 6 months and moves on.

Good luck to you.

**clockworks** · 05-06-2003, 08:06 PM

symatech:
i knew she was friends with one of my roommate's friends for 6 months before we started dating. we dated for about 2 weeks before the condom broke. and we dated for like a month or so after that till we found out about the pregnancy. kinda drifted apart for another month, had the abortion, drifter further apart...nother month...now here i am. it was those god damned lifestyles condoms that broke, btw. DON'T FUCKING USE THEM!!! i repeat, do not use them. my roommate got 3 of them from some sex ed class, and ALL 3 broke (yes, i failed to mention that before). the first two times i just figured bad luck, but by the third, i realized they are shitty condoms. i don't know which of the breaks was the cause of the pregnancy, but i'm confident 2 of the breaks were not a big deal...i.e. caught early and stopped.

deam:
now that i've been through it, i feel for your friend. i hope no matter what choice he and his gf make, they get the proper support from the families. you are right in that i'm lucky that both of our families, and me and her, all agreed on and supported our (her) decision. i totally agree with taking this situation as a learning experience, and keeping my head held up high...but i feel like i'm in a movie where some child could have saved his family member >so< easily if he had only done one simple thing...and now he's haunted by it.

to both of yall:
about apologizing, i already did. i said i was sorry for assuming things, for being insensitive to what she must be going through, and for letting my own insecurities and bad experiences from the past dictate what i see in good people standing before me. i know it was stupid of me to ruin our dinner with that kinda bullshit talk, but i'm glad it got put out on the table and dealt with. on the other hand, i'm already skating on thin ice with her. she already kinda wants to sever things with me, so i need to be on my best behaviour if i even want to at least see her again...=(

-- clocky baby

**Strut99GT** · 05-07-2003, 09:37 AM

Don't worry C, you'll find another girl. I know it seems like you won't at this moment in time, but things will come around for you. Just think about the chick in the bar, holmes!

***Cycleon*** · 05-07-2003, 10:10 AM

Clocky - I feel bad for you bro - but you have to know - whatever that womens lib bullshit is - an abortion kills something (someone) and a woman knows it - its that mothering instinct that guys cant really fully understand - many women crave motherhood at a deep chemical and phsycological level - and its bad enough for her to have to get one under any circumstances - she is going to feel emotionally raped in any case - a part of her died (a part of you as well actually) - but its really bad if she blames the guy for any reason, especially if she wasnt sure and the guy pressured her for it (not saying you did) - the very best you can do is be super supportive and comforting to help her go through one of the most tramatic experiences of her life - your feelings, your problems, your ego.... who cares? you can deal with those a bit more when she has recovered a bit - but you may have screwed it up already - problem is, even if you can get back with her, it will be very hard to overcome this always being between you if she blames you in any way. Go appologise for being such a completely inconsiderate ass, plead the enormity of your ignorance and the prepoderence of your stupidity for your previous actions - tell her that you want to be there for her and help her get through this, whatever the end result - even if she leaves - but you want to make sure she is ok (she will not admit she is not, she doest trust you anymore).

**symatech** · 05-07-2003, 10:58 AM

FUCKIN LIFESTYLES BRO!!! shit ive had one of those fuckers break on me too...last time I ever used those pieces of shit.

anyways, only time will tell the outcome of this. just be there for her if she needs you. she knows how you feel now; and you know how she feels about it. I wish you luck...but dont push things.

**clockworks** · 05-07-2003, 01:23 PM

Originally posted by CYCLEON
Clocky - I feel bad for you bro - but you have to know - whatever that womens lib bullshit is - an abortion kills something (someone) and a woman knows it - its that mothering instinct that guys cant really fully understand - many women crave motherhood at a deep chemical and phsycological level - and its bad enough for her to have to get one under any circumstances - she is going to feel emotionally raped in any case - a part of her died (a part of you as well actually) - but its really bad if she blames the guy for any reason, especially if she wasnt sure and the guy pressured her for it (not saying you did) - the very best you can do is be super supportive and comforting to help her go through one of the most tramatic experiences of her life - your feelings, your problems, your ego.... who cares? you can deal with those a bit more when she has recovered a bit - but you may have screwed it up already - problem is, even if you can get back with her, it will be very hard to overcome this always being between you if she blames you in any way. Go appologise for being such a completely inconsiderate ass, plead the enormity of your ignorance and the prepoderence of your stupidity for your previous actions - tell her that you want to be there for her and help her get through this, whatever the end result - even if she leaves - but you want to make sure she is ok (she will not admit she is not, she doest trust you anymore).

i know, cyc, believe it or not, i've been really good, understanding, and supportive about this whole thing. its just last night was an outburst of pent up stress.

before, during, and a little after, i used to tell her i wish i could remove this burdon totally from her shoulders and put it all on me. i told her its not fair that even though its both of our mistakes, that she's the one that has to deal with 95% of the stress and trauma. i told her how much i hate to see her go thru this and how it hurts me to see her pain. i was both financially and especially emotionally supportive to her through out the whole ordeal. i stayed with her and held her for 6+ hours at the clinic, i took care of her, waited on her hand and foot for 2 days afterwards...doing anything i could to make her feel better, all selfessly. its just a month later, having not seen her for so long, made me upset and i had an outburst.

-- clocky baby

**Got Gear?** · 05-07-2003, 01:37 PM

Tough situation Clocky.

If I was you, I'd send her some flowers and include a letter.

Tell her you're sorry and just spill your guts. Put everything out on the plate. The nice thing about a letter is that the girl doesn't get to respond right away and is forced to really consider the situation and her responce.

That's all you can do bro, after that the ball is in her court. Trying to force it is just going to drive you further apart.

***Cycleon*** · 05-07-2003, 01:45 PM

Originally posted by clockworks

i know, cyc, believe it or not, i've been really good, understanding, and supportive about this whole thing. its just last night was an outburst of pent up stress.

before, during, and a little after, i used to tell her i wish i could remove this burdon totally from her shoulders and put it all on me. i told her its not fair that even though its both of our mistakes, that she's the one that has to deal with 95% of the stress and trauma. i told her how much i hate to see her go thru this and how it hurts me to see her pain. i was both financially and especially emotionally supportive to her through out the whole ordeal. i stayed with her and held her for 6+ hours at the clinic, i took care of her, waited on her hand and foot for 2 days afterwards...doing anything i could to make her feel better, all selfessly. its just a month later, having not seen her for so long, made me upset and i had an outburst.

-- clocky baby

Yeah - its hard to keep emotional control all the time, especially like this - all you can do is keep supporting her - Got Gear ahs a good point not to push her in any way but just keep being there to support her - she is going to need that even if she decides that she doesnt want you - and I think that is part of regaining some trust in the situation - but it may take a long time