Now what..

**noon** · 04-01-2015, 03:25 PM

So I'm in Florida on vacation. And I realized I'm not happy being married to my wife any more.
We have basic aruements where she is always eight I am always wrong. And then I'm in a bad mood for days then we start speaking again.and bam another fight. I can honestly say of my self I have tried and tried hard. But I'm all done trying.
We have a two year old girl that I love with all my heart.
And I can stomach the idea of not seeing her every day.
I'm thinking of telling her I'm moving out.
I'll still see the baby every day and keep her every chance I get. But I'm done waisting my days with a room mate not a lover/life partner

**NACH3** · 04-01-2015, 03:36 PM

Sorry to hear brother! Sounds as if your at an impass the the relationship at this time!

I can't speak on the family part(but I wish you and your kids the very best)... But I had the same thing happen to my ex fiancé!

Being happy is/was far more important than not IMO!

Best,

~Nach

**noon** · 04-01-2015, 03:39 PM

Thanks. We have been together for 14 years. We own our house and we have a rental property. I can't seem to pull the trigger . and I don't know why. I keep this king that if we lived separate it would work. I don't know it makes my head spin and keeps me awake thinking about it

**GirlyGymRat** · 04-01-2015, 03:46 PM

Give counseling a try! Also pickup this book. It's any easy read. The five love languages. It could save your marriage.

**NACH3** · 04-01-2015, 04:09 PM

^^^ I will say this(counseling is the only thing I didn't try(she brought it up but I was too late)... Stubborn and dumb IMO now...

And When Kids & Assets come into play its a whole new ballgame... One I can't give advice on... But I did look back on the counseling idea when we made the decision, and have definitely thought twice... Just food for thought bro...

**derekkpapa1** · 04-01-2015, 04:18 PM

It sucks I feel for you but
When you make the final decision it will because your life (being happy cause u only live once) and your child.
It's tough because of your little girl but I know a few people who wasted years making it work because of there kids and now there old and alone

**bartman314** · 04-01-2015, 04:33 PM

my wife and i went through a really tough patch (all my fault - long story). anyways we made it through and are happier now than ever. especially when a kids involved (i have two), i agree with girlygymrat - a counselor may be a good move before a final decision.

**noon** · 04-01-2015, 04:38 PM

It will be a conversation tonight after we put the little one to sleep.
I don't want the house or the rental units. I just can't shake the feeling that I'm done
And if I go thru with it I'll be making a mistake.
Our friends will side with her and most of my family loves her.
With out my family she has no support structure. I'm very worried about he well being.

**GirlyGymRat** · 04-01-2015, 04:46 PM

Originally Posted by noon

It will be a conversation tonight after we put the little one to sleep. I don't want the house or the rental units. I just can't shake the feeling that I'm done And if I go thru with it I'll be making a mistake. Our friends will side with her and most of my family loves her. With out my family she has no support structure. I'm very worried about he well being.

Maybe sleep on it. Seriously. Don't think about assets now. Focus on a second chance. It's worth the attempt as others have mentioned.

**noon** · 04-01-2015, 06:33 PM

Originally Posted by GirlyGymRat

Maybe sleep on it. Seriously. Don't think about assets now. Focus on a second chance. It's worth the attempt as others have mentioned.

I will sleep on it.
Talk to you all soon. Thanks

**clarky.** · 04-02-2015, 01:43 AM

Good luck noon when the kids are there it makes it very hard.

**ghettoboyd** · 04-02-2015, 04:13 AM

if you still love her bro then you guys need to sit down and have a real conversation where you explain to her what you have said too us...get it all out on the table and then go from there but don't just give up...I know your frustrated ive been there a few times in the 22 years I have been with my wife but before I walked out each time I sat down with her and poured my heart out and gave here a chance to respond...we always worked it out and we are in a really good place in our marriage now...just a thought brother as I hate to see you unhappy...good luck....

**Honkey_Kong** · 04-02-2015, 05:30 AM

This is why I am against marriage. You got yourself in a position where you feel trapped. But at the same time you feel miserable being with her. Ideally, you want to be free where there is no pressure on you from some broad. Where she's there for the good times and not there when you don't want her.

Unfortunately, you're past that point.

If you want to stay married, you have to sit with her and address what you are feeling. And she needs to address what she's feeling. And both of you need to work what you are individually doing that is causing the other person to not be happy and thus fight. It's not a one person is the cause type of thing. You're both wrong and that's what will cause your marriage to either succeed or fail.

**zempey** · 04-02-2015, 05:54 AM

I have been in this position many times in my 26 years with my wife, one was not too long ago where I was at my wits end and had mentally given up on us put hadn't pulled the trigger. There is no harder thing we will endure in life than to make a long term relationship work, there will always be times when you feel the way you feel now. You have to have a conversation with her about it, find out what is really to blame for all the arguing, what makes you happy and unhappy, and what makes her happy and unhappy. The 1-2 year mark after the kids were born each time was pure hell, we separated both times for 6-12 months each time. We ended up working things out, but it was a very rough patch. You sound like you want it to work for the sake of you child but in this current state it just doesn't feel possible. Find out what is bothering her, what negative feelings she has causing you two to argue, and tell her what is bothering you and causing your side of the arguments. These conversations are never easy, both parties don't see in themselves what the other sees, but you both need to here it so you can try and get past it if possible. I never found counselling to work, but if she is set on it, or if you are set on it, give it a go. I don't envy your position, but I have been there, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and there is a chance you can be happy in this relationship. Right now my relationship has never been better, but my wife has taken steps to make herself feel better which has allowed her to be happy so we can be happy.

Hope it works out noon, use us for venting if you need to, this is a tough one.

**Euroholic** · 04-02-2015, 07:19 AM

I say stick it out. don't forget mate that You excepted the covenant knowing it was a lifetime commitment. Your only letting your self down and showing people that you can't see your choices through till the end. Im sure it must be hard but it is what it is. Start doing more things for your self that you enjoy and just sort of bury the hostility feeling and you'l forget about them after a while. I believe in marriage but it is not for me. I could not keep banging the same quiff day in day out.

**dep30** · 04-02-2015, 07:20 AM

Originally Posted by noon

So I'm in Florida on vacation. And I realized I'm not happy being married to my wife any more.
We have basic aruements where she is always eight I am always wrong. And then I'm in a bad mood for days then we start speaking again.and bam another fight. I can honestly say of my self I have tried and tried hard. But I'm all done trying.
We have a two year old girl that I love with all my heart.
And I can stomach the idea of not seeing her every day.
I'm thinking of telling her I'm moving out.
I'll still see the baby every day and keep her every chance I get. But I'm done waisting my days with a room mate not a lover/life partner

How long have u been on aas if you don't mind me asking?

**noon** · 04-02-2015, 12:10 PM

Originally Posted by dep30

How long have u been on aas if you don't mind me asking?

Normal cycling for a few years now. She know all about it and is fine with it.
She has said it actualy levels me out and gives me focus.
I vacume , cook, dust pick up they toys and the house in general. I only ask that she keeps her things in order and tucked away. She can't or won't. It drives me crazy. She will step over a toy for a week if I don't pick it up. I have actualyeft a dated post it note on some of her things that have been left out cluttering the house. To show her how long she will ignore somthing. Another thing that's been an issue for a long time is sex she doesn't like to kiss and no oral unless its for her. I'm not the type to beg I don't think I should have to even ask she has. Never crossed over to my side of the bed. I have to roll the dice.and to her and hope for the best

**dep30** · 04-02-2015, 12:32 PM

Originally Posted by noon

Normal cycling for a few years now. She know all about it and is fine with it.
She has said it actualy levels me out and gives me focus.
I vacume , cook, dust pick up they toys and the house in general. I only ask that she keeps her things in order and tucked away. She can't or won't. It drives me crazy. She will step over a toy for a week if I don't pick it up. I have actualyeft a dated post it note on some of her things that have been left out cluttering the house. To show her how long she will ignore somthing. Another thing that's been an issue for a long time is sex she doesn't like to kiss and no oral unless its for her. I'm not the type to beg I don't think I should have to even ask she has. Never crossed over to my side of the bed. I have to roll the dice.and to her and hope for the best

I was asking because after about 1.5 years on the sauce my body started changing a lot and I started getting a lot of attention from the opposite sex at the gym and pretty much everywhere else... It's way easier to think it's a good idea to leave when u have several options just waiting for a shot with u... Bro give it some time don't make a rash decision... I mistreated my wife for almost two years and she loved me through all of it... She loved me before I ever started gymmin... I said that to say this.. remember the people who have been by Ur side from the beginning... Trust me from someone who has been there b4 running the roads isn't worth missing out on spending every day with Ur kid. Trust can be built again and trust will lead to respect... Love and a marriage is something you have to work at... And I know it's cliche but u get out of it what u put into it... I hope you will step back and look at the big picture and think 10-20 years down the road who's gonna be by Ur side ur side... Ur wife and kid or some meaningless fling... I may be way off on Ur situation but I've been there bro and Ur marriage can be salvaged trust me I'm living proof

BG · 04-02-2015, 02:05 PM

Originally Posted by GirlyGymRat

Give counseling a try! Also pickup this book. It's any easy read. The five love languages. It could save your marriage.

I agree. Speaking with someone saved mine. Counselor that comes recommended or a good pastor.

**jimmyinkedup** · 04-02-2015, 02:15 PM

The grass isnt always greener. I would exhaust all options before I made the decision it was over. I think counseling is an excellent idea if you are both open to it.

BG · 04-02-2015, 06:00 PM

My wife left me 2 times in 6 month's. I had enough of her for about a year before that but stuck it out. I just wasnt happy with her. I went and spoke with a pastor (doesnt have to be a pastor, thats what I did, just an outside view), turned out she wasnt happy and that was why she wasn't making me happy. It turned I didnt realize I was doing and wasnt doing many things in the relationship. I wasnt putting much in and expected alot out. It was a one way street and I didnt see it at all. Ill stop here, but one thing Noon, please notice how many I's were in those sentences. We just had our 6th anniversary 3 years later. Good luck, dont give up to easy, put some work in it like you do in the gym. Same thing, you get out of it what you put in.

**tarmyg** · 04-02-2015, 10:09 PM

Originally Posted by BG

please notice how many I's were in those sentences. We just had our 6th anniversary 3 years later. Good luck, dont give up to easy, put some work in it like you do in the gym. Same thing, you get out of it what you put in.

One of the most self-reflective posts I have ever read that also complete reflects my own perspective. Just an awesome comment!

**Blankinator** · 04-02-2015, 11:22 PM

To the OP

If you both want it to work, counseling is the way to go. If you both want it, it will work out. Dont be afraid of changing counselors either. You both need to agree that the counselor is the right one. Make a commitment to try to work it out for at least a year.

My ex walked out of a counseling session and said "That's it! I'm never going back." Hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew it was over then. Took another two years of me trying before I finally gave up and we separated, then divorced.

If you get to that point, do everything you can to maintain relationships with the kid(s). Make every decision with them in mind. Kids need a relationship with their mom and dad. As long as they have that, the kids will be okay.

Good luck brother.

**skaz915** · 04-03-2015, 05:40 AM

I really cant speak from personal experience but i saw this happen with my parents. Their relationship started like yours and eventually they didn't even talk to one another. They tried to make it work but it seemed to stress both of them out even worse. It ended in a messy divorce, they'd have been better off getting out of it earlier on. They were married 20 something years.

**noon** · 04-03-2015, 06:43 AM

We talked last night till three in the morning. Here is what came to light. It was good and eye opening
She is resentful that my body has stayed youthful while hers has aged and with the child she has lost some of her physique .
She snaps at me because she is frustrated with her situation in life with work and often feels stuck in a rut.
She also mentioned that I never seem down and she doesn't under stand how I can let things slide that should upset me.
The lack of sex is a result of her not liking her body. I like my wife's shape she's fine.
We stuck common ground on some things.
I told her she can't hold my body against me. It's my life style. I let her know that she is still attractive to me.
We talked about her job. And when she walks out the door she can't bring home the bad and hold it over me. I am not her work I am her husband. I will talk to her about work but I'm not the bad guy.
We are both unhappy in our house so she needs space to put things away. I'm going to . And we are trying to buy a new one so we can rent this on out.
We agreed that we don't have money issues. So that's good.
She does think I spend too much time at the gym. And I often will take the gym over other responsibilities which is true sometimes.
I don't go if something important is going on. But at the end of the night I will go.
It's Friday we are going to color eggs with my family and all of the kids.
We are going to talk with some one next week. I guess we both speak one on one and then talk in a group while she lays out our real problem areas.
I'm actually scared it's me

**NACH3** · 04-03-2015, 08:02 AM

Originally Posted by noon

We talked last night till three in the morning. Here is what came to light. It was good and eye opening
She is resentful that my body has stayed youthful while hers has aged and with the child she has lost some of her physique .
She snaps at me because she is frustrated with her situation in life with work and often feels stuck in a rut.
She also mentioned that I never seem down and she doesn't under stand how I can let things slide that should upset me.
The lack of sex is a result of her not liking her body. I like my wife's shape she's fine.
We stuck common ground on some things.
I told her she can't hold my body against me. It's my life style. I let her know that she is still attractive to me.
We talked about her job. And when she walks out the door she can't bring home the bad and hold it over me. I am not her work I am her husband. I will talk to her about work but I'm not the bad guy.
We are both unhappy in our house so she needs space to put things away. I'm going to . And we are trying to buy a new one so we can rent this on out.
We agreed that we don't have money issues. So that's good.
She does think I spend too much time at the gym. And I often will take the gym over other responsibilities which is true sometimes.
I don't go if something important is going on. But at the end of the night I will go.
It's Friday we are going to color eggs with my family and all of the kids.
We are going to talk with some one next week. I guess we both speak one on one and then talk in a group while she lays out our real problem areas.
I'm actually scared it's me

Sounds like it's moving in the right direction! I think if you give this a real shot and be open minded(something I wasnt/or didn't do) but wish I had after the fact!!!

I'm really glad to hear that you were able to sit down and talk this out like adults(even though it doesn't always happen this way)...

I wish you and your family all the best, and future happiness TOGETHER(Possibly and hopefully)!!!

I'll keep you and your fam in my prayers brother!

**noon** · 04-03-2015, 08:36 AM

Thank you guys for listening and sounding back.

**dep30** · 04-03-2015, 09:04 AM

So proud of u bro! I had the same issues with my wife and her perception of her body... 20 grand later and a mommy makeover she no longer has the self image issues... Not saying it's for everyone but maybe u can mention if she's unsatisfied with her body there are things she can do to help with that... Ur situation sounded so similar to mine it's crazy! As for the gym we try to work out togeather as much as possible now it's really a bonding time for us without the kids now! Keep it up bro put in that work and trust me u can get that new love feeling back again and keep it!

**zempey** · 04-03-2015, 10:02 AM

Glad you were able to have a successful conversation with her, sounds like you were able to lay some of the issues on the table so you can both try to fix them. My wife had bad self image issues as well, I was not happy with her physique and she knew it, it was a real issue for me. Now she gets up and comes to the gym with me every morning at 5am, she has lost about 40lbs and feels so much better about herself, which has taken so much of the negativity out of her head. Really hope things workout for you guys, communication is so important, resentment builds up on both sides to a point were you both are miserable, but if you talk about these things early on it never has a chance to build. Good luck noon.

**GirlyGymRat** · 04-03-2015, 11:01 AM

That's a great start!!!! Make a few adjustments and continue to seek solutions. Your issues don't seem that weighty really. No money issues and you both love each other!!!! Huge bonus!!! Huge!

Seems wife should start looking for a different job. If it is creating that much misery. I was in a bad place with work. One person was creating a nightmare. I was in tears on a regular basis. Once they got resolved, everything improved. I started eating healthy, lost a few pounds cuz wasn't stress eating and had time to workout again. That job may need to be on the chopping block.

It's a compliment to you both that able to have a discussion without screaming and yelling. All the drama is noise and interferes with communication.

Keep up the positive steps. Moving in the right direction.

**noon** · 04-03-2015, 01:10 PM

So far so good. Talk to you guys soon.

**Marc114** · 04-04-2015, 12:55 PM

This is one of the reasons that makes this board so great. I've never received such great advice and observations anywhere else before. Not to mention your all basically strangers to me. I was about to post an almost identical story about my situation but now have no need to after reading your advice for noon. Just wanted to let you guys know you've helped more than one person here today. Thanks.

**fitnesstrainer** · 04-04-2015, 03:27 PM

A bit late to the party but being a Christian I've always looked at marriage as something meant to make you more holy rather than happy. Not sure if your the church going type but remember your not entitled to anything, including things you believe you deserve from your wife. You can only change yourself and your own perception.

**David LoPan** · 04-04-2015, 05:45 PM

Op I would say talk to someone and give this a try. Act like you love her more than anyone in the world and do all the things you did when you first started dating like notes, flowers, hugs, kisses, etc. You have to do this selfless and not expect to get any reaction from her. If you do this for 3 to 4 weeks you might be surprised what you find. If she asks you why your doing this just say "just because" and leave it at that. If you do this your answer will come easy. Remember LOVE is a VERB not a Noun, its what you do that produces the feeling.

As far as the fights go . . . your always going to be wrong. No need to remember all the things you have done wrong in your marriage, your wife remember all of them. No reason for your both to remember them. If you watch old married men they just say sure honey or nod. It takes two to fight. But there is a reason there is a saying "happy wife, happy life".

I hope the best for your OP. Just take your time and see what happens

**lovbyts** · 04-04-2015, 10:02 PM

Originally Posted by BigTahl

Op I would say talk to someone and give this a try. Act like you love her more than anyone in the world and do all the things you did when you first started dating like notes, flowers, hugs, kisses, etc. You have to do this selfless and not expect to get any reaction from her. If you do this for 3 to 4 weeks you might be surprised what you find. If she asks you why your doing this just say "just because" and leave it at that. If you do this your answer will come easy. Remember LOVE is a VERB not a Noun, its what you do that produces the feeling.

As far as the fights go . . . your always going to be wrong. No need to remember all the things you have done wrong in your marriage, your wife remember all of them. No reason for your both to remember them. If you watch old married men they just say sure honey or nod. It takes two to fight. But there is a reason there is a saying "happy wife, happy life".

I hope the best for your OP. Just take your time and see what happens

That's so funny... True but still funny.

Noon, I'm glad to hear you and your wife are talking. I think it would be a good idea especially for her for both of you to see a counselor so she can learn how to deal with her own disappointments in life and not drag you into them all the time or make you to be the one to pay for it.

It's not always easy finding a good counselor though, they are not all created equal and it doesn't always help but it's worth a try.

**hawk14dl** · 04-04-2015, 10:18 PM

I'm late to the party as well, but I'm glad you're taking the right steps.

It's too easy to throw in the towel these days. Remember all the things that made you fall in love with her. Focus on those things. Don't think about the things that are making you angry, ESPECIALLY if you haven't communicated to her that they're making you feel that way.

Good luck