My Mental Eperience with AAS, thus Far.

**The road** · 02-20-2020, 12:42 AM

Many factors play in to a persons actual mental state. I don't believe the mental state can be classified in any term.
Narcissist, for example. Well, we all display certain narcissistic traits in full at times.

Yet at some point psychologists say, "Narcissist!" When those trait become too common...? Hell, maybe they have a time lapse chart to determine the classification.

Likewise with depression, ADD, ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, and every other term for a given mental state. Any of which, I can be deemed a member of said classification, if I say the right words to my psychiatrist.

So you see I don't really give two shits for modern psychology and I think its a joke.

All I can tell you is what I have experienced with immense doses of AAS over years.

I will post a few times so bear with me.

**The road** · 02-20-2020, 12:55 AM

I'mgonna break this down into an outline for myself. This is so I can keep track.

#1 Previous mental status
#2 depression
#3 anxiety
#4 attachment issues (co-dependancy)
#5 Rage, anger, hatred, and atisocial characteristics
#6 happiness, contentment, and productivity
#7 normal

**The road** · 02-20-2020, 12:59 AM

#1 previous state (pre AAS)

I was the skinny kid. Wiry as fuck and full of try. I knew whatever I did I had to do as hard as I could to beat others at anything.
I was depressive. Not very sociable. Thought a lot more tgan I acted.

I can't hardly remember who I was. I was intelligent at one time and knew it. Never paid off.

**The road** · 02-20-2020, 01:05 AM

#2 depression

I entered this state once before and a couple of times after using AAS.
It was worst the first time around and even worse at a breaking point (low point) that brought me back to AAS.
I was suicidal as it can get with survival. Naturally I succeded at things left to my own execution, very well. I would never attempt suicide. I would succeed at it.
The first time I was depressed was a direct result of losing mass coming off AAS and not lifting. I hated looking at myself.
The second was well outside AAS effects. It was the low point of my life with divorce, felonies, children, and everything else hanging in the balance.

**The road** · 02-20-2020, 01:12 AM

#3 Anxiety

This one plays across all states of being.
I actually love anxiety to a point.
I have experienced this and learned to use anticipatory concern to an advantage.

If I drink a lot I might wake up with horrible anxiety that does not leave for days. Its not really anything more than a feeling that I am a piece of shit, hate myself, and want to die.

Any anxiety debilitation I have had as a direct offset from AAS, was when I ceased dosages. It came with many other factors much worse though.

Anxiety is life.
I learned that a long time ago and spare me the boohoo "Anxiety is real and life altering" bullshit.
If you believe that you are looking for an excuse.

**The road** · 02-20-2020, 01:17 AM

#4 co-dependancy

I learned early to not be dependant on anyone.
You do though.
Thats life. No man is an island. I was dependant on recognition from my brother and my ex wife.
I became something to please them rather than seek my own path.

I knew I had to be all I could be to them and based my life on it. I was wrong.
That one hurt pretty bad. They knew and used me. A lesson I needed to be taught. Cost me a decade of my life.

I stepped away from that straight into the next category.

**The road** · 02-20-2020, 01:23 AM

#5 Rage, anger, hatred, and antisocial characteristics.

Nothing pisses a feller off quite like being fucked over for ten years and realizing he is a fool.

This is where the skinny kid got all pissed off and charged at what he wanted. All he wanted was roids, muscle, and his own business. You could not have convinced this kid you were his friend or family.

I walked out of my personality straight into hell and wanted more. I was punishing and hating myself every second. This was a lot of lingering mental issues being interjected with pure hate. Anxiety was my name, but I would run at it rather than hide. I hoped something fucked me up.

**The road** · 02-20-2020, 01:38 AM

#6 Happiness and contentment and all that shit.

Meeting a new woman changed a lot of my hate.
It still burned pure but not to the pount I wouldn't let her in. She was the first person I knew I could trust.

I was happiest with all the felonies and bullshit hanging over my head. I liked that stress.
I needed it. It helped keep me charging on.

I ccompounded it by quitting my job and going to work for myself. Man I was anxious for a bit but it really pushed me onward.

My AAS levels were shit you dont see here from pretty much anyone but me. I fought all the pussy sides with ease.

Except a couple of times when I came off a huge blast.
My gf really got to know me during these times...

"What do you want me to do? Cry? IDGAF about you! We lived together a few years! So the fuck what! I left a marriage of most of my 20's and was the only father five kids ever knew! Do you think I would bat a gd eye losing a gf! You stupid little girl! This isnt a fairytale this is real life and its sucks!"

^^That was pretty much my response to, "Good morning babe!"

I was volatile, unstable,and sought to take it out on everyone.

Again, this was ceasing hormones.

I had issues starting in tren the first couple of times but could always coax myself into being docile minus a couple of exceptions. No one died so no big deal.

**The road** · 02-20-2020, 01:40 AM

#7 normal

I dont know that I have ever experienced that and people can try to lay that shit out in writing and I will see them the same as all psychologists trying to sort personality traits from psychosis.
Fucking morons!

**The road** · 02-20-2020, 02:00 AM

AAS did change me I suppose. At about 1/100th the rate of enviornmental circumstance, (I created my enviornment).

AAS will exemplify what you want and what you believe. It will make you go harder.

That does not mean it will compound whatever fucked up mental state you are in.

It might do that to some.
It might do that to some that have no idea how to channel their emotions into something productive.

So theres my warning, if you are autistic, don't shoot 6 grams of shit a week.

Beyond that spare me your roidrage, depression, anxiety bullshit. I've seen it.

If gear is causing you these things, then you have never actually experienced those things, and you are a vagina.

You are no different than a woman that blames shitty behavior on pms.

I stand by every action I ever made. Right or wrong, it was me that made those decisions, not a compound.

Yes, if you are whiny puss and get a bunch of hormones in you you aren't used to, you may want to be angry or sad or fuck the dog, but that's all you and your actions and yes you can control yourself on any dose or lack thereof.

There are two mental factors to AAS I struggle with that seem to get worse. These are primarily enviornment though!

One is horniness and the other is noise irritability.

I hate unsolicited loud voices to the point it hurts my head.
I want to screw certain females so bad I literally hurt sometimes. I stay loyal though because she puts up with me and loves me more than anyone ever will.

Enviornment changed. We all get bored and want new strange genitalia or silence. Doesn't mean we get it.

If I have any fears though of something I might do I will regret it is cheat. There would be no love or attachment in it. Just me wanting to make someone moan. It's not just physical, its mental as well. I would probably cry I enjoyed it so much. Followed by a lifetime of regret.

Getting a chub...
Anyway thats about all you need to know about hormonal influence in your mental state.

**The road** · 02-20-2020, 02:18 AM

I am amazed at how much I hear guys saying they cant handle aggression sides from highly androgenic compounds vs. the desire to screw the girl that flirts and posting the video on facebook live.

We are all different I guess....

**The road** · 02-20-2020, 02:22 AM

God I want some danger!
I want some adrenaline and or pussy!

Now!

**The road** · 02-20-2020, 08:23 AM

Getting pissed off on steroids is a lot like getting pissed off without them. You just sweat and hyperventilate a lot more when you yell.

Good morning.

**i_SLAM_cougars** · 02-20-2020, 08:59 AM

Fantastic post. I’m sure we’ve all experienced something similar. It’s encouraging to have someone put it into words

**kelkel** · 02-20-2020, 09:10 AM

I only have one thing to say:

"Good Morning Babe"

**The road** · 02-20-2020, 10:34 AM

Originally Posted by kelkel

I only have one thing to say:

"Good Morning Babe"

I'm on reasonable doses so its time for you to chop the morning wood.

**The road** · 02-20-2020, 10:41 AM

Originally Posted by i_SLAM_cougars

Fantastic post. I’m sure we’ve all experienced something similar. It’s encouraging to have someone put it into words

Thanks!

I think theres a lotta guys that give up on higher androgenic compounds like tren because they fear they wont be able to control themselves. It may be wise for them to do, but I feel like I felt the same way at some point. I wasn't gonna stop though.

It became a matter of what I wanted and how hard I was willing to push myself onward, which meant having control of my anger and procreation instincts.

Most mammals get more aggressive with increased testosterone but we arent animals. We have a much stronger factor that rules our actions. Our hypothalamus is advanced over even our deepest feelings if we want it to be.

The longer I do this the easier mental sides become to manage. If a person wants something bad enough they will hack it.

**bellasgirl** · 02-22-2020, 12:19 AM

So...I used to order gear with a man I worked with. He was using Tren and probably some other stuff, I was using 5mg winnie (female here) and we fought so much I'm surprised we didn't get fired. Lol, looking back at it all. We would yell and get in each others faces...break things on occasion. Lucky we worked the midnight shift. We would then apologize later and chalk it up to roid rage . I became very aggressive on winnie, once yelling at a man who parked his car to close to me, making eye contact with people like I wished they would, just to name a few. To be clear, that was not my normal nature. I LOVED winnie, aside from the anger.

**scotty51312** · 02-23-2020, 09:30 PM

I relate to this quite a bit. My first long serious relationship ended about the time i was on my second cycle of test and deca and var in my 20's. At the time i blamed my cheating on the hormones but in reality i'd lost interest in the relationship a long time before that cause she for lack of better ways of explaining, got fat, lazy and just gave up on herself, when i hit adversity i went the other direction.
Looking back on it AAS just helped me do what was already in my heart. Leave! If i hadn't started that cycle i may not have had to guts to leave and go it on my own and i'd still be married to that dependapotomis! She found someone more her and it all worked out for the best

**The road** · 02-23-2020, 09:54 PM

Originally Posted by scotty51312

I relate to this quite a bit. My first long serious relationship ended about the time i was on my second cycle of test and deca and var in my 20's. At the time i blamed my cheating on the hormones but in reality i'd lost interest in the relationship a long time before that cause she for lack of better ways of explaining, got fat, lazy and just gave up on herself, when i hit adversity i went the other direction.
Looking back on it AAS just helped me do what was already in my heart. Leave! If i hadn't started that cycle i may not have had to guts to leave and go it on my own and i'd still be married to that dependapotomis! She found someone more her and it all worked out for the best

I feel bad for a lot of guys that never wake up.
They just become slaves.

Relationships are not about compromise.
They are about a match.
As in you arent living each others lives for them, you like the person for who they are and not who you want them to be.
Just my experience you will both have voids the other fills, not controls, or bitches about to the point of insanity.

We are all gonna be who we are in the end. If thats something they bitch about then it never should have been.

I will add to what I said before, I am colder somehow.
I do believe that is partially AAS. There has been much proof that tren affects the brain reward function.

Happiness for me is adrenaline.
Without it I am not really capable of happiness.

I do feel really, really bad sometimes that I can be cold as shit and I know it. Arguments don't get far with me and I will just shoot shit and ice everywhere like Elsa on steroids .
My heart isn't affected bit hers is.

Then I pictire leaving her and her being alone as much as she loves me it would destroy her.
Then I feel extremely sad for her and realize what I have done. It doesn't hit my heart like hers. I been through all of the shit and she is in love with the tin man most days.

Im not saying I am a narcissist. I'm not.
I have more empathy for others than I ever will myself. After the shit I've been through though... Sometimes I feel like theres nothing there in my chest worth what she is, or even close.

I will walk my path though.
Hope she knows to get off the track and spare herself if I'm not what she wants. I don't need her or anyone else hoping I will be something I'm not. I'm not into wasting peoples lives, regardless of if it's their fault or not.

People have a very fucked up sense of what love is I feel. They would rather be with anyone than no one. Living in servitude instead of where they belong.

**SampsonandDelilah** · 02-23-2020, 10:01 PM

You’re a sharp cat man, always appreciate your insight and words.

(Still laugh about that fucking story about how our international packages arrive)

**The road** · 02-23-2020, 11:01 PM

Originally Posted by SampsonandDelilah

You’re a sharp cat man, always appreciate your insight and words.

(Still laugh about that fucking story about how our international packages arrive)

Thanks man you are sharper though.
I swear I get dumber by the day.
Takes me three hours of being out of bed before I can form words anymore.

**Proximal** · 02-23-2020, 11:27 PM

Originally Posted by The road

I feel bad for a lot of guys that never wake up.
They just become slaves.

Relationships are not about compromise.
They are about a match.
As in you arent living each others lives for them, you like the person for who they are and not who you want them to be.
Just my experience you will both have voids the other fills, not controls, or bitches about to the point of insanity.

We are all gonna be who we are in the end. If thats something they bitch about then it never should have been.

I will add to what I said before, I am colder somehow.
I do believe that is partially AAS. There has been much proof that tren affects the brain reward function.

Happiness for me is adrenaline.
Without it I am not really capable of happiness.

I do feel really, really bad sometimes that I can be cold as shit and I know it. Arguments don't get far with me and I will just shoot shit and ice everywhere like Elsa on steroids .
My heart isn't affected bit hers is.

Then I pictire leaving her and her being alone as much as she loves me it would destroy her.
Then I feel extremely sad for her and realize what I have done. It doesn't hit my heart like hers. I been through all of the shit and she is in love with the tin man most days.

Im not saying I am a narcissist. I'm not.
I have more empathy for others than I ever will myself. After the shit I've been through though... Sometimes I feel like theres nothing there in my chest worth what she is, or even close.

I will walk my path though.
Hope she knows to get off the track and spare herself if I'm not what she wants. I don't need her or anyone else hoping I will be something I'm not. I'm not into wasting peoples lives, regardless of if it's their fault or not.

People have a very fucked up sense of what love is I feel. They would rather be with anyone than no one. Living in servitude instead of where they belong.

You’re a smart one, road. I can’t always put my finger on it, but I know it when I see it.

You’re quite philosophical. I’m not “smart”, but think I understand when intelligence is placed before me. It’s amazing where insight presents itself. It’s an honor to be able to be there.

**The road** · 02-23-2020, 11:36 PM

Originally Posted by Proximal

You’re a smart one, road. I can’t always put my finger on it, but I know it when I see it.

You’re quite philosophical. I’m not “smart”, but think I understand when intelligence is placed before me. It’s amazing where insight presents itself. It’s an honor to be able to be there.

You are too prox.
I havent accomplished as much as you all.
Someday..

I appreciate you a lot man.

**SampsonandDelilah** · 02-23-2020, 11:40 PM

Originally Posted by The road

Thanks man you are sharper though.
I swear I get dumber by the day.
Takes me three hours of being out of bed before I can form words anymore.

Only 3? You’re lucky

I just like seeing “big dumb meat head” stereotypes smashed. People sometimes look astonished when I actually formulate articulate sentences and original ideas. Am I just supposed to only grunt and smash things?

(Ok, well I am pretty good at those two things too, but still)

**SampsonandDelilah** · 02-23-2020, 11:42 PM

Originally Posted by The road

You are too prox.
I havent accomplished as much as you all.
Someday..

I appreciate you a lot man.

Dudes a teacher, they have the keenest eye for unrecognized talent. Big compliment for sure

**Proximal** · 02-23-2020, 11:58 PM

Originally Posted by SampsonandDelilah

Dudes a teacher, they have the keenest eye for unrecognized talent. Big compliment for sure

I’ve said this many times. The people on this forum are the most amazing individuals i’ve Ever encountered, bar none.

You/we all care for each other & have each other’s backs. I’m privileged to be here, exchange with you & be accepted in any way.

**Proximal** · 02-24-2020, 12:18 AM

Originally Posted by The road

You are too prox.
I havent accomplished as much as you all.
Someday..

I appreciate you a lot man.

What is an “accomplishment “? It’s a bs & general term which means little.

You’ve touched lives, encouraged individuals; I mean what more can you ask? Life is some f’d up shit. We struggle & work with what we have. It’s what you produce from what you are given that counts, imo.

I’m currently tired & drinking, getting ready for yet another Monday morning. As much as I want to sleep in tomorrow, I want to see my kids and help them be better. Damn it, my kids are using too much pot, it’s too accessible, shit, they can vape in class if I’m not watching everything.

S&D. road, you have kids, how do you manage?

God, I ripped into a kid that said he used pot & drove. I could be fired & arrested for not reporting the kid. God, I love this job, but kid, STOP.

**The road** · 02-24-2020, 12:20 AM

Originally Posted by Proximal

What is an “accomplishment “? It’s a bs & general term which means little.

You’ve touched lives, encouraged individuals; I mean what more can you ask? Life is some f’d up shit. We struggle & work with what we have. It’s what you produce from what you are given that counts, imo.

I’m currently tired & drinking, getting ready for yet another Monday morning. As much as I want to sleep in tomorrow, I want to see my kids and help them be better. Damn it, my kids are using too much pot, it’s too accessible, shit, they can vape in class if I’m not watching everything.

S&D. road, you have kids, how do you manage?

God, I ripped into a kid that said he used pot & drove. I could be fired & arrested for not reporting the kid. God, I love this job, but kid, STOP.

I have a gf.
I cant cope with older ones.
Ready to get back to work lol

**kelkel** · 02-24-2020, 12:02 PM

Originally Posted by SampsonandDelilah

People sometimes look astonished when I actually formulate articulate sentences and original ideas.

The anticipation is killing me.

**SampsonandDelilah** · 02-24-2020, 03:04 PM

Originally Posted by Proximal

What is an “accomplishment “? It’s a bs & general term which means little.

You’ve touched lives, encouraged individuals; I mean what more can you ask? Life is some f’d up shit. We struggle & work with what we have. It’s what you produce from what you are given that counts, imo.

I’m currently tired & drinking, getting ready for yet another Monday morning. As much as I want to sleep in tomorrow, I want to see my kids and help them be better. Damn it, my kids are using too much pot, it’s too accessible, shit, they can vape in class if I’m not watching everything.

S&D. road, you have kids, how do you manage?

God, I ripped into a kid that said he used pot & drove. I could be fired & arrested for not reporting the kid. God, I love this job, but kid, STOP.

I do have kids, two boys (6 and 10) and live in a college town in Colorado. Weed is rampant. I’m not opposed to it but don’t need it being blown into the sky in public when I’m trying to take my kids out for ice cream downtown. Life is hard enough and the choices my children face will be difficult enough without the accessibility’s they already have. We all grew up around liquor and Dads playboys but now with weed (vaping in particular) internet porn, firearms, social media...it makes my head spin. High school students especially have it difficult and the choices they make now can severely impact them later and they have no idea that they will