Feeling like shyte tonight.

***BIG TEXAN*** · 09-20-2003, 05:34 PM

Just me needing to vent again. I know most if not all of you are probably tired of hearing my whining. Guys I'm working on forgiving my wife for sleeping with 2 other men. 1 was a friend of mine in the Navy who came over one night while I was on duty and forced himself on her and she gradually gave in and screwed him. the second was an undercover narcotics officer here in town. They were friends she met him through her work. Anyways she said that they were talking one evening at her work and one thing led to another and they scewed there at her work and a couple of hours later she met him in a nearby motel and screwed him again. I'm so fucking disgusted with her, but at the same time I know that it was do to her mental disease. Even the doctors said that her reasons for cheating on me was do to her disease. She's ipolar and schitzophranic. I love her and want to try and work this out but when I look at her all I see is her with these guys. I can't bring myself to be with her let alone kiss her. I'm so full of anger and I feel like my heads all screwed up. I can't focus on anything or even sleep. I close my eyes and have dreams of her and my friend on our couch or her in bed with that fucking cop. I don't know what the hell to do. I'm all fucked up right now and just want all the pain and hurt and the anger to go away. I just can't elieve she did this to me. Well I have to go cook my daughter something to eat. Thanks for listening guys.....

**Rickson** · 09-20-2003, 05:55 PM

You aren't going to forget about it overnight. This is going to be a long hard process and I don't think I could do it. I admire you for trying and you have every right to be angry and vent. It would be unhealthy if you didn't. As time goes by though eventually you are going to have to either forgive her and move forward or move on without her. I hope you can do whats best for both of you and your children and you are more than welcome to vent here when you need to.

**EXCESS** · 09-20-2003, 06:02 PM

BT, I admire the way you're trying to find a positive role for your wife in your life. That's something I could never do.

I personally would have come to the conclusion that her mental illness that has hurt you before could hurt your children one day. Maybe I'm a pessimist, but the only positivity in my head would be the thought that her illness would work against her in a child custody hearing. Sorry if that seems rough, but its the only way I can explain how much I admire your positivity and patience.

***BIG TEXAN*** · 09-20-2003, 06:03 PM

Thanks Rickson. This is something I don't wish upon anyone. I too hope I can put this behind me. I just feel as of late that I can't. I have a habit of focusing and dreading on the shitty things instead of what's good.

**xxxl83** · 09-20-2003, 06:04 PM

Big Texan'

IMO sometimes you need to know when to walk away. I'm not saying it's easy or even that it should be easy but sometimes that's just what's best.

I know everyone handles situations diferently and no one way maybe the "right" way. However I feel you're in a no win situation and it might be best for the both of you to move on.

Just my .02 good luck,

xxxl83

***BIG TEXAN*** · 09-20-2003, 06:08 PM

Thanks Excess. Actually she's not allowed to be alone with the children, either me or someone else has to be here with her or with a babysitter when I'm at work. The doctors already said that if I decide to leave her she'd have to give up custody of the kids. I don't want to do that to her, she'd be able to see them whenever she wanted. Right now I'm struggling with the thought of leaving or staying. She even suggested us having a short time apart and for me to go out and make sure being with someone else or by myself is what I want or not. I just couldn't handle being alone right now. I know me and when things get hard for me I usually turn to female companionship to temporarilly make myself feel better. I couldn't do that and come back to her. My world has crumbled and I'm just trying to pick up the pieces. Thank you guys for being here for me during all this. I hope I can just wake up one day and the pain not be as bad.

**BostonBobby** · 09-20-2003, 06:13 PM

Sorry dude but I couldn't forgive her disease or no disease.. I'd have to move on..

**956Vette** · 09-20-2003, 06:40 PM

all i have to say is that i am just so impressed how you handle all the shit that has been delt to you lately. I personally would have already gone off the deepend. I give you all the respect in the world for being there for her still.

No one can really tell you what you should do, so just vent on brother! and stay strong!

***BIG TEXAN*** · 09-20-2003, 06:49 PM

Thanks Vette. You don't know how hard I fight going back to the bottle and speed. I have the urge from the minute I wake up until the second I go to bed to drink and snort some lines. I just sit there and hold my kids and fight it. I can't wait to get back on the gear and back in the gym to help clear my head. Just right now money is so damn tight I've given up the gym and everything to make ends meet. Going in and out of the mental hospital has caused my wife to lose her job and now she can't work having to go 4-5 times a week to the shrink or back ot the hospital for day treatment. I'm barely hanging on by a thread bro...... I feel like I can snap at any minute. All I know is that I feel real sorry for the son-of-a-bitch that I flip on.

**956Vette** · 09-20-2003, 08:32 PM

BIG TEX, i just wish i could make that 9 hr. drive to come shake your hand, get ya a babysitter, and head out to the bar!

**Danielle** · 09-20-2003, 09:11 PM

I admire your strength...........I consider myself a pretty strong person.....and i know that is something i would never be able to accept or deal with......one of my friends ( not a good friend..more of an acquaintance) also suffers from bi-polar disease........i dont know your wifes situation ......but i can agree .........it's a very hard disease to deal with

**Tock** · 09-20-2003, 09:19 PM

Sounds like a good time for you to see a counselor to get some help working through this mess.
I gather you and your wife still have strong feelings for each other and want to continue your marriage, but your wife is dealing with some mental/emotional problems right now. This is the "for worse" they talk about in the "for better or for worse" clause in the typical marriage vow. Reading your initial post, I can't imagine anyone more deserving of some help than you and your wife. And I can't imagine anyone more deserving of a good thrashing than your "friend" who forced himself on your wife (in fact, that whole situation sounds a lot like rape to me; your wife probably needs to see a counselor about that, and maybe press charges).

I can think of a million other things to say about this, but I think your best bet is for both you and your wife to see some professionals to help y'all through this. It's probable that the problem has less to do with the infidelity itself than with the response you have to it . . . but you should go find out for yourself.

At the very least, I'd check into the possibility that the 1st event was a rape, if for nothing else than to clear your wife's conscience and keep her from blaming herself needlessly and creating more problems down the road.

Good luck, and stay cool . . . I know you're disappointed, angry, maybe feeling hopeless/depressed over this. A good counselor can help ya through this; I hope you get one.
--Tock

***BIG TEXAN*** · 09-20-2003, 10:08 PM

Tock, my wife is currently seeing a specialist and a therapist. I myself am starting to see a therapist and once we get her mental prolems in check we're going to seek marriage counselor. I told her that it sounds like rape to me but she said that she told him no 2-3 times and than just let it happen. I do feel as if it was rape and told her to press charges ut she refuses. So I hired a P.I. to locate him. He's still in the Navy and stationed in Jacksonville Florida. I think I have his addy and am planning on paying him a special visit. I am going to tell his wife (if she's still with him) what he did amd than to turn around and kick the living dog shit out of him. I know I'll be going to jail for it, but it is something I feel I need to do. As for the cop, I will find him. I just want to see what he looks like and look into his eyes while I tell him what I think of him. So if any of you bro's in Florida might be able to help me out find this S.O.B in Jacksonville I will greatly appreciate it and throw some cash or something your way.

**symatech** · 09-20-2003, 10:32 PM

BT, your courage and dedication in this is truely remarkable. Not many people I know would have the courage to go through all this pain. It takes a very unqiue man to keep trying when it seems all has failed. There aren't many people like you in the world, and you are a true inspiration. I certainly hope that you find peace with this. Like Rickson said though, its not going to happen overnight. It's a long and ardous journey, at least you've got the heart to take it. Stay away from the bottle and speed, they will bring you nothing but sorrow. I think you know that; sometimes we just look for quick fixes or something to ease the pain...but they will bring you nothing but more trouble and make your life harder in the end. I know that no words of mine can ease your pain, but I thought I would let you know that you are an inspiration to all with your courage. Do not give up BT. We'll be here for you.

LORDBLiTZ · 09-20-2003, 10:32 PM

Originally Posted by BostonBobby

Sorry dude but I couldn't forgive her disease or no disease.. I'd have to move on..

I agree.

**BUYLONGTERM** · 09-20-2003, 10:51 PM

I admire your courage and strength!!!! You are definitely a stand up guy!!

We are all here to help!!!!!

GOD Bless BRO!!!!

**punk_bbuilder** · 09-20-2003, 10:57 PM

Hang in there bro....we are all here for you anytime you need us. Stay strong and you can get thru anything!!!!!!

***BIG TEXAN*** · 09-20-2003, 11:31 PM

Thanks guys. I don't feel strong I just made a promise to love her for etter or for worse amd well it doesn't get much worse than this. I'm a man of my word and I love her. I see that with her changing for the better and loving me the way she does now that she at least deserves for me to give her a second chance. It really does mean alot to me guys the way you are all being supportive. Thank you.

**someday** · 09-20-2003, 11:41 PM

I believe that in the spirit of this board and of this thread especially we are here with only a single common interest to lookout for each other. My views on the subject of a wife cheating on me are far different then yours are being that youhave children with the women and must have loved her in order to marry her..........I can only offer you this, the most simplest of advice.....If you did indeed love her at one time it is possible to love her again even through the misdeed and trust......however it may never be impossible to forgive her or turst her again. I too have had a women i truly loved break my heart and to this day i have not gotten over but i haved moved on....
I guess what i'm really trying to say is...i am sorry for your situation it is a place none of us wish to be. But you must stick strongwith YOUR personal convictions about love, cheating, and how a mental illness may affect the balance. BT i wish you the best of luck in your journeys and though our ages seperate us we have a common bond and that is enough to make me feel somewhat closer to every regular member on thisboard...If there is anything i can help you with, from a workout program that you can do at home to a steak dinner and someone to yell at i'm just a pm away... In short noone can guide you or tell you what to do...it may take some time away totruly discover if the responsabilities and lifestyle are worth. In any case the decision is upto you and i believe you must do some true sole searching to find what YOU think is right.

**Lostsoul** · 09-21-2003, 01:51 AM

BT your a true man, i really mean that, i give you the highest respect for hanging in there, your in the toughest situation anyone can ever be in i think, and your handling it really well, too bad i live in Australia or i'd beat the shit out of the cop for ya aswell as the navy fucker, fuckin hate pussy's that victimize other people.

Keep your head up bro, and try an get to the gym ASAP it will help relieve frustrations, maybe going for a hard run might do the same and make you feel better.

Your definetely one person i'd like to meet one day and talk to about life.

**partyboynyc** · 09-21-2003, 05:30 AM

first, you're a standup guy for even dealing w/ this situation/s the way you have.most guys would be out.with that being said, i have no idea of your financial situation or much else, but i would take your daughter and get divorced.i would get as far away from the situation as possible!!adultry is not excused because of "illness".it's a conscious decision at the time.you seem like a great guy and I'M pissed that your daughter has to be subjected to this.as she gets older it may even be worse.i can not see w/ your wife's med condition and adultry history and judge saying she is fit to have your daughter live w/ her should a divorce go down. i always say, "there is a limit to the amount of shit i'm going to put up w/" i think you are beyond that limit and for your own sanity and your daughter get out of this while you can.i appluade you for all that you have done to try and make this situation better, but i don't think you deserve this torment at all.JMO from the outside looking in.in no way meant to offend

**BigMike J** · 09-21-2003, 06:49 AM

BT there's anything i can say to ease the pain you are feeling. It is never easy when your woman cheats on you. The only piece of solid advice i can offer you is to go with your gut instinct. At times like this the toughest decision is knowing wether or not you should listen to your head or your heart. BT i think you prolly already know the answer. Your first decision is usually the right decision so they say. So if you want to stay with your wife then stay and work this shit out. I know it's easier said then done. Your heart wants you to stay with the lady you love while your head is telling you to get out or maybe visa versa.

Seeing those images in your head can not be easy in the least. I know exactly what you are going through in that area i have been there myslef. The feelings it brings to surface are unreal. Nobody could ever know unless they have been there. I don't think i will ever be 100% over it, but now i can atleast deal with it.

BT you have to do what's best for you right now and only you. It's not selfish to think of yourself once in a while especially at times like this. If the best thing for you is to stay then so be it just remember time heals all wounds but there will always be a scar.

Peace out

***BIG TEXAN*** · 09-21-2003, 10:20 AM

Thanks Someday, Lostsoul, Partyoy, BigMike. I am struggling with the decision of whether to stay or go. I turely love her but at the same time I hate her for what she did. I can honestly say that she is not the same woman as she was when it all happened. She has changed for the better and is now a good person. I want in a way to try and make this work and see if I can be in love with the new her. But at the same time I'm fighting with the decision to run. Financially I can't afford the gym right now but y the end of the month I should e ack and back on gear. That in itself will take my mind off of things. I have just temporarilly lost my focus on all my goals and dreams but am slowly coming around. I do not know what I will do right now I'm just trying to take this at one day at a time. I do thank all of your support and will always remember all of you being here for me. Thanks again guys.

**Tobey** · 09-21-2003, 11:13 AM

Damn BT,
I can really relate to your situation. This can really knock the legs out from under a guy and the pain really never goes away. I have to ask you though because this was the situation with me. I loved my ex and when this happened to me, I went through the same feelings and emotions that you are feeling right now. With me though I did not think that I could find anyone eles that could take the ex's place. I did not realize this at first and it took a long time for me to realize why I keep hanging on to a situation that had torn me apart. The honesty and comitment in my realtionship was gone, I could not trust her anymore and this only made things worse. You can work through this but I doult that you are going to have much success unless you and your wife get some serious counciling. I hope that things turn out for the better for you. I know this sounds cold saying this but looking back that breakup was the best thing that could have happened to me. I have moved on, finished school and I am quite sucessfull all of which I do not think would have ever happened if I had stayed. But that is just my situation, you go with your heart, but logically think things through before you try to deal with emtions that are sure to resurface in your life as well as your realtionship with your wife. Good luck
Tobey

**Juggernaut** · 09-22-2003, 07:50 AM

Somedays, Big T, the best thing to do is to just go through the motions. Try and get back into some form of a routine (daily activities). And try and corral (a texas term there for ya) that wondering mind of yours. Time, for the most part, heals all wounds. Imho it's always much easier to forgive than to forget.

Give me a ring when you get a chance.

***BIG TEXAN*** · 09-22-2003, 08:39 AM

Thanks Jugg. I'm just finding it hard to let go. I can't handle the fact that when it comes to these two guys that I just have to swallow it down and take it up the rear. I feel like there needs to be some kind of repricussions(spelling). I just can't lie down and take what they did, it's not part of who I am. I know I just need to let it go but this time I feel like I can't. I'll give you a call tonight, I promise. I've been meaning to call, but end up going for a drive or the wife actually stays up and spends some time with me.

**Juggernaut** · 09-22-2003, 09:00 AM

No worries bro, call when you get the chance. And if taking a drive or hanging with the little misses does the trick then run with it, as long as it gives you some relief it's all good.

T, keep in mind what goes around comes around. What these two did will come back to bite them for sure. How many times have we both done things that we thought no one would know about and that we "got away with" only to have it find it's way back to us? It's always been my wish to get what I want and NOT what I deserve.

**jarrett** · 09-22-2003, 09:03 AM

I feel i should maybe put my 2 cents in this thread since i have met the both of you ( your wife & you)

Bro, what your going through is bullshit!!! it doesnt sound like a healthy relationship for both you and your kids to grow up in. your a stand up guy with a good head on your shoulders with a great future to give both urself and your kids, BUT I THINK YOUR MAKING WAY TO MANY EXCUSES OR REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD STAY WITH YOUR WIFE....

But in the end you really know whats going on and you know what the right thing to do is.

best of luck, and bro if i were you i wouldnt really even try to bring up the past with this navy dude, its jsut gunna cause more problems, and if you do go down there get in a fight get charges pressed against you how is that gunna look in court during a divorce hearing or when your kids grow up and later find out about this.

**TheMudMan** · 09-22-2003, 09:18 AM

Originally Posted by jarrett

I feel i should maybe put my 2 cents in this thread since i have met the both of you ( your wife & you)

Bro, what your going through is bullshit!!! it doesnt sound like a healthy relationship for both you and your kids to grow up in. your a stand up guy with a good head on your shoulders with a great future to give both urself and your kids, BUT I THINK YOUR MAKING WAY TO MANY EXCUSES OR REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD STAY WITH YOUR WIFE....

But in the end you really know whats going on and you know what the right thing to do is.

best of luck, and bro if i were you i wouldnt really even try to bring up the past with this navy dude, its jsut gunna cause more problems, and if you do go down there get in a fight get charges pressed against you how is that gunna look in court during a divorce hearing or when your kids grow up and later find out about this.

You're right Jarrett but getting locked up could be the least that happens. What if things get out of control and someone get's killed. It's not worth it. Stay strong Big T and keep doing what YOU feel is best for you and your familly. I've said it before..... I admire how strong you are and I don't know what I would have done if I was delt your situation.

Hang in there bro you will find the answer.

***BIG TEXAN*** · 09-22-2003, 09:34 AM

Thanks guys. I know I shouldn't even bother with this jackass. I just have all this anger and frustration inside me and feel like I have no way to let it out without hurting someone along the way. I know I'd probably kill the S.O.B. if I saw him. I just hope that if and or when I do I still have the self control the Navy instilled in me to keep my emotions under control. Hell with the training I had in the service if I just even take a swing at someone I can be arrested for using a deadly weapon. I just need to at least look into his eyes and tell him that I know and walk away. I know I can do it, this is something i'm finding harder and harder to deal with every day. It's starting to take a toll and my wife can see it. She's been thinking of leaving me, she said that she feels like that's what I want but for some reason I'm just not able to be the one to walk away. She has been doing everything she possibly can to love me and keep me around, but she cries everytime she sees the pain in my eyes. I don't know I just keep holding onto the idea that with time all this will get better for me. I'm just glad I at least have you guys around, I don't think I'd still be standing her if it wasn't for all of you and a few others. Everyone thinks of me as a strong individual.... truth be known I'm weak on the inside when it comes to matters of the heart. Hell I almost cut my wrists when I found out what she did, the only thing that saved me and that keeps me going is my kids, my daughter walked out of her room that night and looked at what I was attempting to do and asked if I wanted a hug and told me she loved me...... incredible for a 2 year old huh, that right there was my sign from the good lord above to hold on and never let go of them.

**TheMudMan** · 09-22-2003, 09:46 AM

Originally Posted by BIG TEXAN

my daughter walked out of her room that night and looked at what I was attempting to do and asked if I wanted a hug and told me she loved me...... incredible for a 2 year old huh, that right there was my sign from the good lord above to hold on and never let go of them.

Nope...... she loves you and wants you to be around to see her grow up, get married, have kids............ Having a heart doesn't make you weak.... it makes you a better and good person.

***BIG TEXAN*** · 09-22-2003, 10:36 AM

Thanks Mud.

**bornbad71** · 09-22-2003, 11:14 AM

That's alot for anybody to have to walk around with...I also admire your strength bro. I foreone can not give any advice for this for I have never faced this before...I do know that when a child is involved u will do anything to make sure that your child is loved, happy , and safe. I admire u as a father for tring so hard to make things work. At least this way if things do go as far as a divorce u can face your child and say u tried everything to make it work. Good luck and stay strong.

**Strut99GT** · 09-22-2003, 01:13 PM

I feel for you, BT. I know what it's like to have doubts, but to not be able to let go of a relationship. Sometimes you just love someone "too much" and you don't know how to let go. It's easy to say that you should leave her, but it's much harder to act it out. Just stay strong, and focus on each moment right, and realize that you have to do what's best for your kids. I would *highly* recommend staying away from the two guys you mentioned earlier, because rage - real rage - is hard to supress. Stay away, man. You need to be there for your kids!

***BIG TEXAN*** · 09-22-2003, 01:18 PM

I don't know what I'll do when it comes to those two guys. I just want to see what this cop looks like and as for my old friend, I just feel like I need to tell him that I know.

**TheMudMan** · 09-22-2003, 01:26 PM

Originally Posted by BIG TEXAN

I don't know what I'll do when it comes to those two guys. I just want to see what this cop looks like and as for my old friend, I just feel like I need to tell him that I know.

Yep...... I think letting them know that you know what they have done would be good for you but maybe use the phone, or some other way that you don't have to be there in front of them. Who the hell knows what you will end up doing to these scumbags when you see them. I would definitely tell your Navy buddy’s wife if they are still together. Let him feel some misery.

***BIG TEXAN*** · 09-22-2003, 01:32 PM

Mud, that's kind of what I plan on doing. That is, tell his wife, look in his eyes and tell him followed by the bloodiest ass beating any of ya'll ever seen. Of course I'm talking shit, I mean if I wouldn't go to jail, and I could plan it out perfectly I would kill them with my bare hands.... I can sit here and day dream about it and it feels so real I can almost taste their blood in my mouth.