Guide for taking dumps at work

[daman1]

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is **** proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and **** streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

[USfighterFC]

LMAO that's hilarious........yeah I've def been through almost all of those stages.

[NissanRider240]

HAHAHA. I thought I was the only one who used these techniques. Come to find out somebody has already taken the time to give their proper definitions and perfect their usage.

[Da Bull]

hahahahahahahhahahhahahaahhaahahhahahaha

[Ammar]

LoL I take poops all the time at work. Nothing better than getting paid to poop

[hoss827]

Same way at school....I'm refering to this for future reference.

[Terinox]

Man o man, I've used so many those techniques! Hilarious!!

[shootdeep]

the havana omelette.....otherwise known as the cell-tech dump!!!!

[Animal Cracker]

Personally I enjoy a huge protein dump..or off-cycle beer ****t when at work. Right after my 10 Oclock protein shake, I feel the urge for my morning constitutional....I dare not grab a newspaper or magazine, because i want concentrate on this semi-religeous expreirience...The first one 'through the hoop" is usually a big one..not quite a toddler's arm, but one that causes a grimace...then come the ribeyes from the day before, I always eat a ribeye in the evening..these are the best..it could be just the residual pain of aforementioned pipe-like turd begins to subside, or the delpetion of my bowels make me feel a bit less bloated..lighter. So when I do return to work, I feel somewhat recharged..almost like I had a "nooner"..except it is only 10!

[Testify]

LMAO

Don't become a frequent Flyer.

[cb25]

turd bugler!!

that sh*t is priceless (forgive the pun)...

[markas214]

Same way at school....I'm refering to this for future reference.

Hoss if you join the Marine Corps be prepared to **** in a large open room with 25 other guys, no stalls, at the same time. Nothing worse than trying to take a crap and the guy next to you wants to engage in conversation just as you're ready for "the big push". The good thing is once you've done this for a few months taking a **** in a public restroom is nothing.

[DF2003]

lol.

[ItalianMuscle]

Lmao....

[Jackman]

lol thats awesome

[Terinox]

Hoss if you join the Marine Corps be prepared to **** in a large open room with 25 other guys, no stalls, at the same time. Nothing worse than trying to take a crap and the guy next to you wants to engage in conversation just as you're ready for "the big push". The good thing is once you've done this for a few months taking a **** in a public restroom is nothing.

Geezus, are you serious?! Man o man

You gotta sit there, take a ****, and then wipe your ass in front of 25 guys, ooooooooooooooh derty!

[GQplaya]

thats some funny stuff

[Rob]

old ass thread...half of the members who posted on it are banned

[GQplaya]

yea i kno, but i have never seen it

[Panzerfaust]

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is **** proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and **** streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

So true....

[Monkeytown]

That is so ****ed funny. I love ....the nose cone of the poop log...I was crying reading that part.

Bigrob - I noticed that too, 1/2 the posters are banned?!

[The Giant Killer]

Glad that got bumped, so funny.

[BigJames]

Turd Burlar?? I thought that was something else...at the building I work at, the security guys got called to a washroom and found a traumatized emoployee of the mall food court. They find out that the reason he is traumatized is because he got up after dropping a load and after doind up his pants he turned around to flush and found a guy half under the stall reaching into the toilet with his hand and EATING HIS SH*T RIGHT OUT OF THE BOWL!!! WTF!!! Believe it or not, I have encountered this TWICE now! WTF!!! I do not even know what to say to this...

[xfade7]

Turd Burlar?? I thought that was something else...at the building I work at, the security guys got called to a washroom and found a traumatized emoployee of the mall food court. They find out that the reason he is traumatized is because he got up after dropping a load and after doind up his pants he turned around to flush and found a guy half under the stall reaching into the toilet with his hand and EATING HIS SH*T RIGHT OUT OF THE BOWL!!! WTF!!! Believe it or not, I have encountered this TWICE now! WTF!!! I do not even know what to say to this...

good god keep a rather large knife with you at all times.

[The Giant Killer]

Turd Burlar?? I thought that was something else...at the building I work at, the security guys got called to a washroom and found a traumatized emoployee of the mall food court. They find out that the reason he is traumatized is because he got up after dropping a load and after doind up his pants he turned around to flush and found a guy half under the stall reaching into the toilet with his hand and EATING HIS SH*T RIGHT OUT OF THE BOWL!!! WTF!!! Believe it or not, I have encountered this TWICE now! WTF!!! I do not even know what to say to this...

I hope he washed his hands after he was done eating.

[FCECC2]

LoL I take poops all the time at work. Nothing better than getting paid to poop

sooo true!!

[needmorestrength]

Turd Burlar?? I thought that was something else...at the building I work at, the security guys got called to a washroom and found a traumatized emoployee of the mall food court. They find out that the reason he is traumatized is because he got up after dropping a load and after doind up his pants he turned around to flush and found a guy half under the stall reaching into the toilet with his hand and EATING HIS SH*T RIGHT OUT OF THE BOWL!!! WTF!!! Believe it or not, I have encountered this TWICE now! WTF!!! I do not even know what to say to this...

OMG thats not right

[PaRiS2005]

Thats hilarious...but I'm weird...I can only poop at my house or my b/f...

[Diesel]

Oldie but a goodie....

[HeavyHitter]

classic everytime

[PaRiS2005]

Another question, why cough to cover it up? Why not just walk out, with a smile on your face and say, " Yep!!!! I landed that ship...whew!! "

[PiecinItUp]

Great great thread, took me 10 min to read cause I was laughing so hard