How to trust again

***BIG TEXAN*** · 03-14-2004, 11:26 PM

Ever since I have found out about my ex sleeping around on me I have had trust issues. Of course it doesn't help that every woman I have ever cared about has cheated on me....

I'm just wondering what have any of ya'll done to learn to trust again.... cause I'm sorry I don't trust women as far as I can throw them....and I know if I want any future relationships to work I'll have to learn to get over this and trust again....

**juicehoe** · 03-14-2004, 11:28 PM

When you figure it out let me know too!

***BIG TEXAN*** · 03-14-2004, 11:30 PM

sure thing .....

***Cycleon*** · 03-14-2004, 11:36 PM

I hate to say this but really all you can do is to always make sure that YOU are trustworthy - its sad but you really cant ensure anything about someone else - as a Christian I really have to give that in Gods hand because I really cant do anything about it - but then if I do not open up and allow myself the ability to get hurt - there is no possibility of intimacy either - its tough to be strong and open

**monster.** · 03-14-2004, 11:41 PM

Trust should be something that is earned.. It takes a while if you ask me.. I will probally (i don't want to say never) never.. haha, completely trust a woman again.. It takes a while to get to know someone, years to really know someone.. You don't just up and think you click with a chick after a few nights out.. The more you get to know someone, and spend time with them, the more trust you build.. Its funny how some people you thought you know so good, can fuk you over, and never think twice about it.. I've became kinda emotionless lately, like arnold said - 'You have to be cold, cut yourself off from things' It's not a front, its what happens when you get burned real bad..

**grey_blue_white_red** · 03-14-2004, 11:42 PM

Expect that your partner will sleep around and that way if they do, you'll be expecting it and if they don't, you'll be pleasently suprized. You'd be amazed how much less likely a person is to sleep around if you have an open and honest about it replationship. A caged bird wants only to fly away, but a free bird comes back to the one it loves.

Also, you may be seeking out people that will hurt you. Examine all the similarities that the people you've had bad relationships with share, and then watch out for them next time you pick a new partner. Good Luck!

**Terinox** · 03-14-2004, 11:42 PM

Originally Posted by CYCLEON

I hate to say this but really all you can do is to always make sure that YOU are trustworthy - its sad but you really cant ensure anything about someone else - as a Christian I really have to give that in Gods hand because I really cant do anything about it - but then if I do not open up and allow myself the ability to get hurt - there is no possibility of intimacy either - its tough to be strong and open

Wow, a softer, gentler side of CYC.

Big T, Cyc seems to be right, that does seem like the best thing to do. Although, maybe not TOO much though. I had/have the opposite problem, where I tend to trust people too easily. I've learned my lesson a few times as well, and I don't trust people as easily anymore. However, overall, I'm just too nice though, always doing favors for friends, and try to help as much as I can.

You're obviously in a tough spot, but just take it easy, slowly, and concentrate on the very important things, and let the trust come back with time. Like CYC said, make sure to be trust worthy yourself (to those who deserve it).

**DNoMac** · 03-14-2004, 11:49 PM

Originally Posted by monster.

I've became kinda emotionless lately, like arnold said - 'You have to be cold, cut yourself off from things' It's not a front, its what happens when you get burned real bad..

Arnold is the man.

***BIG TEXAN*** · 03-14-2004, 11:52 PM

Originally Posted by CYCLEON

I hate to say this but really all you can do is to always make sure that YOU are trustworthy - its sad but you really cant ensure anything about someone else - as a Christian I really have to give that in Gods hand because I really cant do anything about it - but then if I do not open up and allow myself the ability to get hurt - there is no possibility of intimacy either - its tough to be strong and open

Oooohhhh I hate when you're right...

I am trust worthy...one of my traits is that I'm a very loyal person....I have never and will never cheat on someone I care about. I see your point bro and it makes sense....thanks.

**bermich** · 03-14-2004, 11:58 PM

Originally Posted by grey_blue_white_red

Also, you may be seeking out people that will hurt you. Examine all the similarities that the people you've had bad relationships with share, and then watch out for them next time you pick a new partner. Good Luck!

Very true. People are usually attracted to the same type of person even when the results continue to be the same. Its unavoidable subconsciously. Try dating a girl whom you wouldnt find yourself dating. She might surprise you.
Maybe you push them towards cheating on you. Maybe since you feel they are innevitably gonna cheat on you in the future, you push them to do it early on. Maybe you throw hints at them like "if you think hes cute why not just go **** him" or something. They might just get sick of hearing about how one day they will cheat on you that they just go out and do it to shut you up.

***BIG TEXAN*** · 03-15-2004, 12:21 AM

Originally Posted by bermich

Very true. People are usually attracted to the same type of person even when the results continue to be the same. Its unavoidable subconsciously. Try dating a girl whom you wouldnt find yourself dating. She might surprise you.
Maybe you push them towards cheating on you. Maybe since you feel they are innevitably gonna cheat on you in the future, you push them to do it early on. Maybe you throw hints at them like "if you think hes cute why not just go **** him" or something. They might just get sick of hearing about how one day they will cheat on you that they just go out and do it to shut you up.

Actually bro I'm not like that at all...I used to be very trusting...I didn't care who thye hung out with and never asked questions.... that's all changed though. This time I think I have found a pretty sweet girl...... just taking things slow and seeing where it goes, I'm in no rush.

**bermich** · 03-15-2004, 12:31 AM

Thats good to hear BT. I hope things work out for the two of you. I read some of your posts involving your kids, ex, etc. It takes a lot of mental strength to deal with all of that in one period of time and still stand back up waiting for a better tomorrow.
The way I see it: Eventually, you have to run out of bad luck. It cant keep flowing forever.

One story I heard that makes me feel fortunate:
A man is married to a woman for 15 years. The lady finds out her husband has been cheating on her for five years, used their savings to give the mistress a boob job, a new car, etc. Then he divorces her for the other lady who was his secretary.
Basically, she is left with nothing. A very nasty unapologetic divorce and no family members to turn to.
I dont know if I could recover from something like that.

I just try to look for the signs. If the signs show up (secret calls, weird distant behavior, etc) I tend to back away and evaluate it.

It happens to everyone. It just seems that it happens to you all the time. Sorry about that.

**PuddleMonkey** · 03-15-2004, 12:33 AM

Originally Posted by BIG TEXAN

Ever since I have found out about my ex sleeping around on me I have had trust issues. Of course it doesn't help that every woman I have ever cared about has cheated on me....

I'm just wondering what have any of ya'll done to learn to trust again.... cause I'm sorry I don't trust women as far as I can throw them....and I know if I want any future relationships to work I'll have to learn to get over this and trust again....

Women cannot be trusted, sad but true.

**Animal Cracker** · 03-15-2004, 01:23 AM

Simple..Dont!

**groverman1** · 03-15-2004, 06:12 AM

When we all get screwed by someone else I can permanatly damage our trust towards others. I had my ex-wife cheat on me while on a west pac cruise while in the Navy. The worst was I found out 3 months into a 6 month cruise. I always keep my gloves up but as time passes on they will start falling to your sides. I forgive people but I don't forget, and that's something I will always be working on. When you meet someone great and their worth it then just go slow and let God do his work. Bad thing happen all thew time to good people, only it's your choice to become stronger or the opposite. Good Luck bro.

**Commando_Barbi** · 03-15-2004, 06:17 AM

Originally Posted by PuddleMonkey

Women cannot be trusted, sad but true.

Not true there PM.

**Commando_Barbi** · 03-15-2004, 06:23 AM

I wish I had a good answer for you BT. Im in the same boat. Just when I let my guard down I seem to get kicked hard. I keep trying though. It's a gamble. All you can do is take things slow. Don't hold her at arms length....but don't completely let go of your heart too fast either. Don't look for things that aren't there. We tend to create self fullfilling prophcy when we expect bad things to happen. Give her a chance to prove that she loves and respects you.....and show her the same. Be open and don't leave her guessing about you and what you are up to. Create and keep an open flow of communications with her. If she talks to you about something that upsets you.....try not to freak out on her....because when you do, she's gonna put up a wall and when she needs to talk to you, she's not going to. She's gonna find someone else to talk to ...... which leads to other things....sometimes.

Trust is a fragile thing. You have to treat it with care. Feed it...nourish and protect it. Over time.... it's going to grow.

Time and Love heals everything.....

***SV-1*** · 03-15-2004, 06:42 AM

My overall experience is most women aren't trustworthy. My ex-wife cheated on me with her old high school boyfriend, who she had broke up with because he was a drug addict that beat the **** out of her.

Honestly don't think I will ever *completely* trust another woman.

Oh, and girls are evil. Don't trust evil things.

**rujulus** · 03-15-2004, 07:22 AM

Nowaday's I would have to say you can't trust anyone, but that's just from my personal experience.

**Money Boss Hustla** · 03-15-2004, 08:15 AM

A person has to have blind faith. Obviously the other person in a relationship is always the variable...but if they care for you enough they will never cheat. IMHO you just haven't found the right girl for you.

**Testify** · 03-15-2004, 11:00 AM

I'm with CYC on this one. Life isn't fair, and other people often disappoint you . . . but all you can do is hold up your end. Be kind, caring and trusting. If she is right for you, she will return these courtesies.

**PuddleMonkey** · 03-15-2004, 01:43 PM

Originally Posted by Commando_Barbi

Not true there PM.

I apologize, I was a little vague...

99.7% of women cannot be trusted. Hows that?

I can't say men are any better, but I don't date men, so what those baffoons do is no concern of mine.

In general, I put very little faith in the human race. I can't help but feel that way, with what I've seen in my 28 years of existance.

**SpunHoney** · 03-15-2004, 02:08 PM

~Big T hunny you trust me

!!! but then again i know that you could toss me pretty darn far lol!!!~

***BIG TEXAN*** · 03-15-2004, 04:03 PM

Originally Posted by SpunHoney

~Big T hunny you trust me

!!! but then again i know that you could toss me pretty darn far lol!!!~

LOL.......Of course darlin....nothing but luv for ya.

**chevy44** · 03-15-2004, 05:41 PM

easier said then done but i always start my relationships w/ a clean slate. regardless of what the previous girl has done i still give a girl my all. its almost like i totally forget about the previous girl and what she did! i guess im lucky that i can just move on like that. like cyc said you can only give her all of your love and loyalty and hope that she treats you the same way.

**juicehoe** · 03-15-2004, 06:37 PM

Ug... i wish i was born in a different time. Im in my second year of college. Most of them are the worst. Almost all of them will ****ing cheat on u or lie to your face