Problems with my girl

**Noles12** · 07-09-2010, 09:26 AM

Alright recently i was talking to my girlfriend about how i feel she isnt as sexual as she used to be. I mean i like being intimate often. I feel most of the time she just doesnt want it.

She complains all the time when i come on to her and she never comes on to me.

She is never wanting to explore new things in the bedroom either. Im not talking about crazy stuff, i mean she pretty much just wants to have sex and get off and thats it. When we first started dating she complained that i wasnt into the foreplay but now that i am she never wants to.

I asked if things had changed and she says no. I kept pushing the subject and she opened up a little. She said she feels dirty doing most things. She said it just doesnt feel right.

I never realized how sheltered she was. Maybe she was putting on a front at first but im not sure. She also said she thinks it has to do with a family friend from when she was younger.

This guy was married but always told her how she was beautiful and how he liked her so much. She was 10 or 11 and afraid to say anything. He was very touchy feely but never went past that. She didnt know any better because he didnt make it sexual. It would be hugs that were a little too much or hands rubbing on a leg. Well i guess she wasnt the only one and a girl that he full blown forced himself on that was only 113 finally said something.

I think him touching her affects how she feels now. Im not sure if this is the root of the holding back on her part because i mean when we go out drinking she opens up and does a lot more.

Has anyone else ever been in this situation?

**Abominator** · 07-09-2010, 09:29 AM

Classic sign of unfaithfulness.

**Noles12** · 07-09-2010, 09:32 AM

Originally Posted by Abominator

Classic sign of unfaithfulness.

How so?

I really would be shocked if this one was unfaithful. I have been with many girls but this one is old fashioned. She wouldnt be able to go 5 minutes after cheating without running to tell me

**Vettester** · 07-09-2010, 09:47 AM

Could it be hormones? My wife went through a similar deal and it turned out her BC pills were the culprit. Her doc switched it up on her pills and my wife went back to her normal horny self.

**Times Roman** · 07-09-2010, 09:49 AM

Originally Posted by Noles12

Alright recently i was talking to my girlfriend about how i feel she isnt as sexual as she used to be. I mean i like being intimate often. I feel most of the time she just doesnt want it.

She complains all the time when i come on to her and she never comes on to me.

She is never wanting to explore new things in the bedroom either. Im not talking about crazy stuff, i mean she pretty much just wants to have sex and get off and thats it. When we first started dating she complained that i wasnt into the foreplay but now that i am she never wants to.

I asked if things had changed and she says no. I kept pushing the subject and she opened up a little. She said she feels dirty doing most things. She said it just doesnt feel right.

I never realized how sheltered she was. Maybe she was putting on a front at first but im not sure. She also said she thinks it has to do with a family friend from when she was younger.

This guy was married but always told her how she was beautiful and how he liked her so much. She was 10 or 11 and afraid to say anything. He was very touchy feely but never went past that. She didnt know any better because he didnt make it sexual. It would be hugs that were a little too much or hands rubbing on a leg. Well i guess she wasnt the only one and a girl that he full blown forced himself on that was only 113 finally said something.

I think him touching her affects how she feels now. Im not sure if this is the root of the holding back on her part because i mean when we go out drinking she opens up and does a lot more.

Has anyone else ever been in this situation?

I feel your pain. A very close female friend of mine whom I've known very well over 30+ years has a similar pattern, although not caused the same. She too has negative feelings about sex and had very poor role models growing up (mom slept with her, dad in the other room). She is sometimes willing to give oral, but thinks receiving oral is dirty or wrong. She experimented watching porn when she was younger, but thinks it's wrong now, or is at least very uncomfortable with it. She has some serious fidelity issues. The stars and the moon have to line up for her to be in the mood for sex.

There are two possibilities:
1) She is like this anyways, and him touching her is inconsequential, or...
2) There is a direct link (cause and effect) between him touching her and her being "cool" to you.

What I do know is that this isn't something she is going to "grow" out of, or some kind of a phase. Again, there are three possibilities:
1) She will NOT go to counsilling and will NOT change.
2) She will go to counsilling and will NOT change.
3) She will go to counsilling and WILL change.

The beginning of any relationship I call the honeymoon phase, like looking through rose colored glasses.... both are in new love, only see the positive, not the negative, eager to please, everything is still exciting... this could last up to 18 months. This is when she was more willing, eager to please, playful. But after the 18 months, things started settling down, got more comfortable, and the real her started coming through. This is pretty much how she is going to be. This is the steady state phase.

Anyways, you have some thinking to do. 1) Are you OK if she doesn't change? 2) If you are lucky enough to talk her into counsilling, chances are, you will have to go too. Ready for that? 3) If 2, then what happens if no improvement?

From what I've seen, this is going to be a fundamental change. And even though fundamental change is possible, it only happens in a minority of cases, and only for those that seek change.

You got your work cut out for you bro'

**Knockout_Power** · 07-09-2010, 09:49 AM

I wouldny jump straight into thinking unfaithfulness.. Im not saying its not the case, but in my last relationship she seriosuly just stopped getting "the urge"... once she was called to the BAR and started at her new firm she got so stressed out she never wanted sex at all... that combined with switching Birthcontrol cause the ones she was on before were giving her reactions made her unable to get aroused. Before this, all I had to do was give her a back rub and kiss her neck for a it and she was a puddle... within 2 months I could use a whole bottle of massage oils and go down on her for half hour and she would stay dry as a desert... you cant explain some things

**Noles12** · 07-09-2010, 09:50 AM

Originally Posted by vetteman08

Could it be hormones? My wife went through a similar deal and it turned out her BC pills were the culprit. Her doc switched it up on her pills and my wife went back to her normal horny self.

We talked about that. She has been on yaz for over a year and i think it was affecting it She was put on because she had a five week period (very crazy time) it stopped the period and things were fine. Recently we thought that was it so she switched to a new one about a month ago and there was no change. So now she has tried to stop completely. But only a week into stopping she was having bleeding again.

**Times Roman** · 07-09-2010, 09:52 AM

Originally Posted by Noles12

How so?

I really would be shocked if this one was unfaithful. I have been with many girls but this one is old fashioned. She wouldnt be able to go 5 minutes after cheating without running to tell me

The abominator is not being serious. He's messing with you.

**Noles12** · 07-09-2010, 09:54 AM

Originally Posted by Times Roman

I feel your pain. A very close female friend of mine whom I've known very well over 30+ years has a similar pattern, although not caused the same. She too has negative feelings about sex and had very poor role models growing up (mom slept with her, dad in the other room). She is sometimes willing to give oral, but thinks receiving oral is dirty or wrong. She experimented watching porn when she was younger, but thinks it's wrong now, or is at least very uncomfortable with it. She has some serious fidelity issues. The stars and the moon have to line up for her to be in the mood for sex.

There are two possibilities:
1) She is like this anyways, and him touching her is inconsequential, or...
2) There is a direct link (cause and effect) between him touching her and her being "cool" to you.

What I do know is that this isn't something she is going to "grow" out of, or some kind of a phase. Again, there are three possibilities:
1) She will NOT go to counsilling and will NOT change.
2) She will go to counsilling and will NOT change.
3) She will go to counsilling and WILL change.

The beginning of any relationship I call the honeymoon phase, like looking through rose colored glasses.... both are in new love, only see the positive, not the negative, eager to please, everything is still exciting... this could last up to 18 months. This is when she was more willing, eager to please, playful. But after the 18 months, things started settling down, got more comfortable, and the real her started coming through. This is pretty much how she is going to be. This is the steady state phase.

Anyways, you have some thinking to do. 1) Are you OK if she doesn't change? 2) If you are lucky enough to talk her into counsilling, chances are, you will have to go too. Ready for that? 3) If 2, then what happens if no improvement?

From what I've seen, this is going to be a fundamental change. And even though fundamental change is possible, it only happens in a minority of cases, and only for those that seek change.

You got your work cut out for you bro'

My girl is so against porn. She seems insecure and i think he caused it.

I love her as much as the day i met her. We have been together for 3 years. But this causes upset between the two of us because either i am wrong for trying to get her aroused or i get mad subconciously because i feel liek she isnt attracted to me the way she used to be. Sex is the basis of my relationship but i think this is having a negative effect on us

**Times Roman** · 07-09-2010, 09:54 AM

Originally Posted by vetteman08

Could it be hormones? My wife went through a similar deal and it turned out her BC pills were the culprit. Her doc switched it up on her pills and my wife went back to her normal horny self.

True. It could very well be her bc pills. But OP has mentioned in other threads that she has other hang ups that go beyond a lack of libido. And that would have nothing to do with wrong BC Pill.

**Times Roman** · 07-09-2010, 10:02 AM

Originally Posted by Noles12

My girl is so against porn. She seems insecure and i think he caused it.

I love her as much as the day i met her. We have been together for 3 years. But this causes upset between the two of us because either i am wrong for trying to get her aroused or i get mad subconciously because i feel liek she isnt attracted to me the way she used to be. Sex is the basis of my relationship but i think this is having a negative effect on us

Libido mismatch is a difficult thing to overcome. It's clear you are an intelligent individual, so I'm sure you've done all the reading about arousal techniques and such. You haven't mentioned kids in the house, but I DO know that kids in the house for a woman can be a libido killer.

Why do I sound like I know so much? Cause I've been with the same woman for 25 years, and I've been through everything you are mentioning and more. Sometimes I'd get so frustrated I'd be the one withholding sex to "teach her a lesson". (I know, immature).

Your only chance of overcoming this libido imbalance is to reduce yours (not recommended) or increase hers. Has she had her hormone levels checked? Is she open to counsilling? Do you guys ever get the opportunity for some alone time away from the house?

**Standby** · 07-09-2010, 10:02 AM

doesnt want to have sex? acts different then she did at first? sounds normal to me lol. my experiences anyways lmao

**Times Roman** · 07-09-2010, 10:07 AM

Originally Posted by Standby

doesnt want to have sex? acts different then she did at first? sounds normal to me lol. my experiences anyways lmao

it is normal, actually. but OP has expressed some underlying causes that are NOT normal, that probably need to be addressed.

**Noles12** · 07-09-2010, 10:08 AM

No kids. We are young and havent made any big steps yet. When she does want to do things she gets very aroused. She never has a problem getting wet and i have no problem getting her off.

The problem is no matter what i do, kiss her, touch her, etc, I just cant get a response. My hands are usually just pushed away

**Times Roman** · 07-09-2010, 10:13 AM

Originally Posted by Noles12

No kids. We are young and havent made any big steps yet. When she does want to do things she gets very aroused. She never has a problem getting wet and i have no problem getting her off.

The problem is no matter what i do, kiss her, touch her, etc, I just cant get a response. My hands are usually just pushed away

So it's probably not the BC pills.

**vanduhl** · 07-09-2010, 10:16 AM

Originally Posted by Noles12

Alright recently i was talking to my girlfriend about how i feel she isnt as sexual as she used to be. I mean i like being intimate often. I feel most of the time she just doesnt want it.

She complains all the time when i come on to her and she never comes on to me.

She is never wanting to explore new things in the bedroom either. Im not talking about crazy stuff, i mean she pretty much just wants to have sex and get off and thats it. When we first started dating she complained that i wasnt into the foreplay but now that i am she never wants to.

I asked if things had changed and she says no. I kept pushing the subject and she opened up a little. She said she feels dirty doing most things. She said it just doesnt feel right.

I never realized how sheltered she was. Maybe she was putting on a front at first but im not sure. She also said she thinks it has to do with a family friend from when she was younger.

This guy was married but always told her how she was beautiful and how he liked her so much. She was 10 or 11 and afraid to say anything. He was very touchy feely but never went past that. She didnt know any better because he didnt make it sexual. It would be hugs that were a little too much or hands rubbing on a leg. Well i guess she wasnt the only one and a girl that he full blown forced himself on that was only 113 finally said something.

I think him touching her affects how she feels now. Im not sure if this is the root of the holding back on her part because i mean when we go out drinking she opens up and does a lot more.

Has anyone else ever been in this situation?

One of my ex's was touched as a child.....she was the freakiest, nastiest hardocre sex bitch ive ever met....i guess it can go both ways bro...im sorry bout that

**DSM4Life** · 07-09-2010, 10:17 AM

Does that mean anal is out of the question ?

**Noles12** · 07-09-2010, 10:29 AM

Originally Posted by Times Roman

So it's probably not the BC pills.

Thats what i was thinking but i mean they would affect her feeling horny which i would assume would make her not want to do things but i really dont thik they are it. I mean i guess i'll know if it was them soon

**Times Roman** · 07-09-2010, 10:42 AM

Originally Posted by Noles12

Thats what i was thinking but i mean they would affect her feeling horny which i would assume would make her not want to do things but i really dont thik they are it. I mean i guess i'll know if it was them soon

My woman had a very low libido once we found out due to BC pills. When she was on, she had 0% desire. Nothing. Nada. Zip. (we still did it, but it was a mechanical thing to her when we did, and I could tell.) When she switched, it came back. Your woman has libido. It's her frequency, and her "attitude" (for lack of a better word).

I'm thnking (i'm repeating myself)
Hormone check (if she is willing)
Counsilling (if she is willing)

On the counsilling, you may want to bridge the conversation by saying you think you need "couples" counsilling so that she doesn't feel singled out.

**Knockout_Power** · 07-09-2010, 10:44 AM

Originally Posted by Times Roman

On the counsilling, you may want to bridge the conversation by saying you think you need "couples" counsilling so that she doesn't feel singled out.

x1000%

make this about you as a partnership... not "her problem"

**Standby** · 07-09-2010, 11:36 AM

it is her problem though lol there is nothing wrong with this dude. but you for sure cant make her be alone make it both your problem but remember you dont have the problem lol

**Matt** · 07-09-2010, 11:44 AM

Ive had something similar, i was with this girl and she'd let me do absolutely anything. I mean nothing was off limits, anal, putting my willy in her mouth, peeing on her, she even let me take a dump on her face.

I really thought this was it, the best chick i was ever likely to meet. The trouble is those date rape drugs don't last forever and that was the end of that...

**Times Roman** · 07-09-2010, 11:49 AM

Originally Posted by 007

Ive had something similar, i was with this girl and she'd let me do absolutely anything. I mean nothing was off limits, anal, putting my willy in her mouth, peeing on her, she even let me take a dump on her face.

I really thought this was it, the best chick i was ever likely to meet. The trouble is those date rape drugs don't last forever and that was the end of that...

friggin sick
good chuckle though

**Knockout_Power** · 07-09-2010, 11:54 AM

Originally Posted by 007

Ive had something similar, i was with this girl and she'd let me do absolutely anything. I mean nothing was off limits, anal, putting my willy in her mouth, peeing on her, she even let me take a dump on her face.

I really thought this was it, the best chick i was ever likely to meet. The trouble is those date rape drugs don't last forever and that was the end of that...

so when is your book coming out?

what was it called? Romance for dummies: the educational version

**Standby** · 07-09-2010, 11:55 AM

Originally Posted by 007

Ive had something similar, i was with this girl and she'd let me do absolutely anything. I mean nothing was off limits, anal, putting my willy in her mouth, peeing on her, she even let me take a dump on her face.

I really thought this was it, the best chick i was ever likely to meet. The trouble is those date rape drugs don't last forever and that was the end of that...

simply amazing haha

**Neevor** · 07-09-2010, 12:00 PM

007 you say some effed up $hit... lol

I'm a pretty sexual guy to say the least and I was with a girl for two years who only wanted sex for like 10 minutes every 4 to 6 days (I'm more of a two or three times a day average kinda guy so this was a big problem). I begged her to get hormone therapy cause I was sure something was off. Even told her I would pay for the doctors since her insurance wouldnt cover it. She wouldnt and I ended up cheating and eventually we split (although amicably and we are still friends and still hump sometimes when we are single lol). It was the first time I had ever dated a chick who just didnt want it. It kinda blew me away but now I know that when I meet someone I'm serious about I need to make it clear that sex is important to my happiness in a relationship. I recently met a chick who was super awesome but when i brought up the topic she said she didnt really like sex very much and I moved on.

If you are young there's a lot of time for you to meet the right girl. Not having sex and getting rejected eventually caused me to resent her and become depressed. I haven't heard of happy endings when this sort of thing comes up. If you aren't already married I'd find yourself a lady on the side, remember what its like to have someone who wants you all the time, and that will help you pull away from your girl who you are so attached to. Then move on. She probably just needs a guy whos not as sexually open as you. Pleanty of homos out there who dont want to talk about sex so she can date one of them. Be happy man. Good luck on this. Its tough, I know from experience.

**Standby** · 07-09-2010, 12:15 PM

Originally Posted by Neevor

007 you say some effed up $hit... lol

I'm a pretty sexual guy to say the least and I was with a girl for two years who only wanted sex for like 10 minutes every 4 to 6 days (I'm more of a two or three times a day average kinda guy so this was a big problem). I begged her to get hormone therapy cause I was sure something was off. Even told her I would pay for the doctors since her insurance wouldnt cover it. She wouldnt and I ended up cheating and eventually we split (although amicably and we are still friends and still hump sometimes when we are single lol). It was the first time I had ever dated a chick who just didnt want it. It kinda blew me away but now I know that when I meet someone I'm serious about I need to make it clear that sex is important to my happiness in a relationship. I recently met a chick who was super awesome but when i brought up the topic she said she didnt really like sex very much and I moved on.

If you are young there's a lot of time for you to meet the right girl. Not having sex and getting rejected eventually caused me to resent her and become depressed. I haven't heard of happy endings when this sort of thing comes up. If you aren't already married I'd find yourself a lady on the side, remember what its like to have someone who wants you all the time, and that will help you pull away from your girl who you are so attached to. Then move on. She probably just needs a guy whos not as sexually open as you. Pleanty of homos out there who dont want to talk about sex so she can date one of them. Be happy man. Good luck on this. Its tough, I know from experience.

i like this post lol. my last gf hated sex i dont know why i was attached to her probable had sex like 20 times in the 9 months we were together lol. fvck that sh*t

**Knockout_Power** · 07-09-2010, 12:17 PM

Originally Posted by Standby

i like this post lol. my last gf hated sex i dont know why i was attached to her probable had sex like 20 times in the 9 months we were together lol. fvck that sh*t

thank god its not just me... the first 4 months we were active it was twice a night... then like 6 times over the following 18 months, then nothing but oral for 13 months... then bubye

**Standby** · 07-09-2010, 12:18 PM

Originally Posted by Knockout_Power

thank god its not just me... the first 4 months we were active it was twice a night... then like 6 times over the following 18 months, then nothing but oral for 13 months... then bubye

ya 20 was an over guess lol i went 4 months no sex no oral just hj lol. but of coarse she still wanted me to do oral.

*and yes i hated life but i was attached for some reason. i shoulda bounced after 2 weeks of that bullsh*t im to young not to fvck lol

**Knockout_Power** · 07-09-2010, 12:20 PM

Originally Posted by Standby

ya 20 was an over guess lol i went 4 months no sex no oral just hj lol. but of coarse she still wanted me to do oral.

I tried twice to reject her when she asked but I cant fuken do it... I can hold out about 5 minutes before I give in... its this fuken Italian thing where you feel like you have to please your woman no matter what... that or the fact that I love eating the feline.

**Standby** · 07-09-2010, 12:22 PM

Originally Posted by Knockout_Power

the fact that I love eating the feline.

all i got to say haha.

**Swifto** · 07-09-2010, 01:17 PM

I had this problem with an ex gf.

I felt unwanted and it caused some serious arguments.

She blamed it on the contraception she was on.

I hated it though and speaking about it didnt really change things. We had sex once/twice a month.

When your 24 thats not what you want!

**Knockout_Power** · 07-09-2010, 01:40 PM

Originally Posted by Swifto

I had this problem with an ex gf.

I felt unwanted and it caused some serious arguments.

She blamed it on the contraception she was on.

I hated it though and speaking about it didnt really change things. We had sex once/twice a month.

When your 24 thats not what you want!

I know bro... my self esteem went to shit and I hated myself cause I kept thinking I was such an asshole not being more understanding which was selfish of me... eventually, I had to stop blaming myself.

***D7M*** · 07-09-2010, 01:47 PM

Not to be harsh, but:

She's broken. Get a new one.

**Knockout_Power** · 07-09-2010, 01:48 PM

Originally Posted by D7M

Not to be harsh, but:

She's broken. Get a new one.

if she aint broke... um, break her.

**Noles12** · 07-09-2010, 03:29 PM

Originally Posted by Swifto

I had this problem with an ex gf.

I felt unwanted and it caused some serious arguments.

She blamed it on the contraception she was on.

I hated it though and speaking about it didnt really change things. We had sex once/twice a month.

When your 24 thats not what you want!

This is my life. I feel unwanted now. I feel like i have done something to make her not attracted to me. Sex happens and sure she gets wet but i mean it is kiss a little, have sex, she orgasms, then is ready to be done. It like its just a routine every so often.

Last weekend i hadnt seen her in three weeks. I go about trying to get some one night and this is what came of it. It is the reason i started this thread. I feel unwanted and feel like i could go easily have a girl come on to me that would make me feel wanted.

But thats not what i want because i love this girl and a f^ck isnt worth it

**cherrydrpepper** · 07-09-2010, 06:41 PM

Originally Posted by Abominator

Classic sign of unfaithfulness.

This is a long thread and im probably going to read it all but I wanted to respond really quickly while I had some thoughts together.

I believe your girl is being unfaithful too.

I just don't believe that young red blooded american girls stop wanting to have sex spontaneously. If she isn't cheating on you physically yet she is cheating on you in her mind aka trying to get on another guy that she seems to just have an innocent relationship with.

I don't know why women are weak like this. Actually i guess guys are bigger assholes. But the truth is, they will do stuff like stay with a guy because "it'd be a big pain to move out right now" and shit like that. I have had two long term relationships. The first was almost 7 years and the girl cheated on me but I deserved it because I was an asshole and trying to get on other girls and she found out about it. She was exactly the way you describe with not wanting to have sex and wanting it to be done as quick as possible etc. The second time I made the mistake of dating a whore. I mean someone who was such a whore that I took her to meet my parents and my dad said and I quote "I can't believe you brought trash like that to my house" (she had big tits, abs, nice body and was a great lay)

Im not telling you for sure your girl is cheating on you, but basically.. the best case scenario is that shit i said about shes already cheating on you in her mind. She may be physically cheating on you. And this is coming from someone whos been cheated on.

**cherrydrpepper** · 07-09-2010, 06:54 PM

Originally Posted by Noles12

This is my life. I feel unwanted now. I feel like i have done something to make her not attracted to me. Sex happens and sure she gets wet but i mean it is kiss a little, have sex, she orgasms, then is ready to be done. It like its just a routine every so often.

Last weekend i hadnt seen her in three weeks. I go about trying to get some one night and this is what came of it. It is the reason i started this thread. I feel unwanted and feel like i could go easily have a girl come on to me that would make me feel wanted.

But thats not what i want because i love this girl and a f^ck isnt worth it

Its your call man. The 7 year relationship girl was exactly what you describe to the T, even with only orgasming once sometimes twice. I dunno the good girls are wierd about sex it seems. Let me ask you this is this girl wierd about jizz too? Cause the girl I dated towards the end I remember she was just ****in unbelieveable with how bad the sex got. I mean I remember pulling out and busting on her ass, and she ran into the shower like someone just hit her with mustard gas or something and she had to get that toxic shit off. I'm like wow that really makes me feel good about myself and its a major turn on could you do that everytime we have sex that would be awesome.

Yeah she just got married. She invited me to the wedding I was like no thanks.. I still rub one out once in a while when I think about her. Ironically its hard to get off thinking about her because even in the daydream fantasy I expect her to reject my sexual advance. Now thats ****ed up.

If you want to waste 7 years of your life be my guest dude. Personally id do what you can to fix her / the relationship now or throw in the towel. You sound like you haven't been alone for long in a while.. it can be rough. String her along until you have another girl on the hook is my advice.

You really can't win with women though. Its like you find one that wants you to bust all over her 3 times a day and you think you'd be happy but shes a whore. Then you find one that wants to have sex once a week and its like wtf God could you please stop with your twisted sense of humor and put a normal girl in my life.

**redz** · 07-09-2010, 06:56 PM

I thought there was something wrong with my wife because she just didnt want it much than I realized it was just because it's too hot lately and we don`t have air conditioning, it's been like 100 degrees all week and the first time it was cooler she jumped on top of me before I woke up. Now I will be getting air conditioning asap.

**Knockout_Power** · 07-09-2010, 08:05 PM

Originally Posted by redz

I thought there was something wrong with my wife because she just didnt want it much than I realized it was just because it's too hot lately and we don`t have air conditioning, it's been like 100 degrees all week and the first time it was cooler she jumped on top of me before I woke up. Now I will be getting air conditioning asap.

good call, and a freezer full of ice cubes bedside.

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