Deciding on when to end a marriage

[run_n_fool]

Guess the title says it all, been married 8 years. Two kids, 5 and 6. I love my wife but not sure i'm in love any more. We fight a lot and as far as she is concerned everything I say is wrong. I'm just tired of it all and want it to end but at the same time i'm not a quitter and kind of view divorce as failure. At the same time I do not look forward to being miserable for the next X number of years, especially if divorce is inevitable.

Has anyone come from the bring of failure and successfully salvaged a marriage? If it weren't for the kids I'd have gone a long time ago.

[JD250]

Did you ever think that she may be on a board somewhere posting the exact same thing? Someone has to put their pride on the shelf and make an EXTRAORDINARY effort to save it. If you got the balls to come on here and say you're not a quitter but yet you want a divorce........I'm not sure you have what it takes to be man enough to save your marriage. Quit whining about how bad things are and go treat her like the person you want her to be, that's gonna take a man!!

BTW....I've been where you are.....It CAN be done. If you think I'm being harsh, go file for divorce and see how harsh that is, on you, her and especially the kids!

Check out "fireproof" it's a christian based movie, it may change your life bro. It certainly will help you see things a little differently.

[dec11]

Guess the title says it all, been married 8 years. Two kids, 5 and 6. I love my wife but not sure i'm in love any more. We fight a lot and as far as she is concerned everything I say is wrong. I'm just tired of it all and want it to end but at the same time i'm not a quitter and kind of view divorce as failure. At the same time I do not look forward to being miserable for the next X number of years, especially if divorce is inevitable.

Has anyone come from the bring of failure and successfully salvaged a marriage? If it weren't for the kids I'd have gone a long time ago.

that says it all. time to go, the resentment will eventually boil out and affect all the family

[DeniZen]

Check out "fireproof" it's a christian based movie, it may change your life bro. It certainly will help you see things a little differently.

The movie is kinda sappy but its the real deal. There is a book called "The Love Dare", which is associated the movie. The book lays out a 40 day plan to start restoring your marriage. I actually did it. Unfortunately for me the damage was already done, and it was too late. I firmly believe if I'd done something 1-2 years earlier we'd still be a family. Just sayin' give you're best effort to restore your marriage and family. Its a lot to lose.....

[stpete]

that says it all. time to go, the resentment will eventually boil out and affect all the family

Have to agree w/dec here. I saw the same thing and would have said the same thing but he beat me to it. Listen, i have 2 kids from 2 different mothers. I'm now married to another woman and life is good. Kids adopt to their environment pretty good. Would you like for them to see you guys unhappy together, or happy seperated? That's just a part of life. And it sounds as if it's going to happen regardless, so why prolong?
Say bye and the kids will be cool.

[lovbyts]

If no one has cheated yet there is always a chance to fix it. Even as bad as some arguments get they can be forgotten and forgiven. Cheating is another story and most people dont forget.

Watch the movie as suggested, get counseling and do what you can. You got married for a reason. If one person is not doing anything harmful, illegal or immoral then it can be fixed.

[Times Roman]

Guess the title says it all, been married 8 years. Two kids, 5 and 6. I love my wife but not sure i'm in love any more. We fight a lot and as far as she is concerned everything I say is wrong. I'm just tired of it all and want it to end but at the same time i'm not a quitter and kind of view divorce as failure. At the same time I do not look forward to being miserable for the next X number of years, especially if divorce is inevitable.

Has anyone come from the bring of failure and successfully salvaged a marriage? If it weren't for the kids I'd have gone a long time ago.

IMO, you made your decision at the alter. I agree mistakes can be made, and sometimes divorce is the easiest path. I've anniv'd up the big 24 just recently. It sure as hell aint easy.

But here's the thing. who you want raising them kids? You, or some swinging dick yer future ex hooks up with, that damn sure won't love those kids the way you would.....

The easy out was before your woman became "with child".

With children, and backing out imho, is wrong.

I'd say it's time you invested in some counsilling, and you two get some alone time, where you can relearn what it means for her to be your woman, and you her man. Cuz right now, she's probbly got the mommy hat on, which is alot by itself right there.

Do you have folks that can watch the kids for a weekend while you two get away?

Divorce is terrible for kids.

I know in our "throw away" society, that it looks attractive, and an easy out. Just think of them kids, and instead get reacquainted with your woman. Seek professional help too. Learn to mend bridges that seem burned.

[Times Roman]

that says it all. time to go, the resentment will eventually boil out and affect all the family

disagree Dec.
Part of being a man is not bailing out when things get a little tough. Most of us really don't know what tough really is. And there are kids involved. A kid is going to want to do what ever is the most fun right at the moment. And that means if the marriage is no longer fun, he'll be wanting to do something else, or with someone else? Nothing wrong with showing a little tenacity and riding out some rough spots.

Shit! He's only married 8 years? He's just getting his feet wet! =)

What ever happened to "NO pain, NO Gain"?

Marriage is the same way. If all of us bailed the moment things were no longer peachy, then think about it. A marriage would be for honey moons only, and once the warm and fuzzies wore off, we'd all get friggin divorced!?

[Times Roman]

Have to agree w/dec here. I saw the same thing and would have said the same thing but he beat me to it. Listen, i have 2 kids from 2 different mothers. I'm now married to another woman and life is good. Kids adopt to their environment pretty good. Would you like for them to see you guys unhappy together, or happy seperated? That's just a part of life. And it sounds as if it's going to happen regardless, so why prolong?
Say bye and the kids will be cool.

huh? what planet is this from?

divorce is very traumatic for children. My buddy just went through a divorce, and even his 20 year old daughter was having issues. How is a 5 and 6 year old kid, that hasn't developed very good social skills, supposed to understand why you are leaving. Many kids are permenantly scarred by such an event.

Saying the kids will be cool with it is over the top

[RaginCajun]

this is a tough situation for you and i will not offer any advice but here is my experience. i was 6 and lil bro was 1 when my parents got divorced, best thing that ever happened to them. it was tough at first and was even harder when they both starting dating. it really sucked at the beginning but it got better with time, and as they say, time has a way of healing. i am now lucky to have 4 fabulous parents and two step brothers, and could not even picture my parents together right now. everyone is happy! just my experience with divorce.

[run_n_fool]

Thanks for the comments everyone. Again, not a decision I'm taking lightly at all. In terms of my situation, we both work full time and both pretty evenly tend to the kids. She was the person who first brought this up a couple of years ago and the suggestion seems to be reintroduced by her every few months. I think we'd try to both stay in the same town and also try to split custody 50/50 and have an amicable divorce. I harbor no hatred nor malice and think she feels similarly. I think deep down we both want this but are also afraid of what it means for the family. Still, part of me wants to see the marriage continue yet I am so emotionally drained by it that I haven't the energy to do the hard work it takes to repair it.

[JohnnyVegas]

I have been through a divorce. We "worked on the marriage" for a few years, which was BS; neither of us was really willing to look at anything from a different viewpoint. What we really did was ignore the problem for periods of time between fights. That is no way to live.

I would recommend counseling. Give it a shot with professional guidance before throwing your hands in the air and saying you gave it your best shot. My wife and I remained friends after splitting up and later talked about our problems. It was then that we realized we still really liked each other and a disinterested third party could have cut through all our pride and defensiveness.

Hopefully neither of you uses the children as weapons. That is when it gets ugly...and evil.

Good luck.

[dec11]

disagree Dec.
Part of being a man is not bailing out when things get a little tough. Most of us really don't know what tough really is. And there are kids involved. A kid is going to want to do what ever is the most fun right at the moment. And that means if the marriage is no longer fun, he'll be wanting to do something else, or with someone else? Nothing wrong with showing a little tenacity and riding out some rough spots.

Shit! He's only married 8 years? He's just getting his feet wet! =)

What ever happened to "NO pain, NO Gain"?

Marriage is the same way. If all of us bailed the moment things were no longer peachy, then think about it. A marriage would be for honey moons only, and once the warm and fuzzies wore off, we'd all get friggin divorced!?

i say what i say because now i know why my father was so bad tempered for the last 10yrs of my parents marriage and it came out on me alot, he told me the only reason he stayed those 10yrs was because us children. strangely, i never saw 'em argue once in my life, he just fell out of love with my mother, simple as. i never really got on particularly well with him until he'd left home. i can relate on a smaller scale having gotten fed up with previous longterm g'friends.

the way i look at it is, if you dont want to be there, then dont and it gets to the point where everything pisses you off. if its gone then no amount of counselling will fix it. i dont get yous Americans and your faith in counselling lol

[Kawigirl]

I agree with JD and TR...good points gentlemen

[JD250]

You can run from problems and blame a marriage for your problems or the other person but one single truth will glare right in your face for the rest of your life......no matter where you go, there you are. Stop blaming and looking for an excuse and take care of the one thing you can control....yourself, do your best in everything you do and you'll always be able to sleep well at night regardless of what happens or what actions other people take. You chose marriage for a reason, do your VERY BEST to make it work, an HONEST effort.

[zaggahamma]

good woman-hard to find

[goinglong]

I'd say it's time you invested in some counsilling, and you two get some alone time, where you can relearn what it means for her to be your woman, and you her man. Cuz right now, she's probbly got the mommy hat on, which is alot by itself right there.

Do you have folks that can watch the kids for a weekend while you two get away?
Just think of them kids, and instead get reacquainted with your woman. Seek professional help too. Learn to mend bridges that seem burned.

I couldn't agree more. You may find a couple or two who seem to have the perfect marriage (they may) but the rest of the world's marriages have some serious problems once in a while and most of them get through the tough times with a bit of hard work and focus.

My wife and I have had some serious problems which were mostly related to my job but whenever she said we needed to talk to someone (she calls our counselor "the lady" and I call her something else because of the size of her chest) I was happy to go have a chat. There are manuals for almost everything in the world but none for knowing what it takes to make a relationship work and I always saw our counselor as the closest thing to a marriage manual. The best part about it was that we had lunch after the meeting -- without the kids -- and it felt as if we were dating again. Man, alone time with your wife is priceless.

I just wish I didn't love my job and could hack the "everyday" type of work where I'm home all the time because I would be able to go on dates with my wife more often.

[spiketannin]

good woman-hard to find

especially in america since they can do whatever they want...

[Times Roman]

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[run_n_fool]

Thanks for the comments again. I think we're going to see a therapist and go from there. You all made some great comments, this is not a situation where we are thinking of cutting bait as the waters get rough--things have been rough for a long time and it has been thru sacrifice and compromise that we have decided to focus efforts on to try to save it.

Not to cast blame as i am fully half the problem, but my wife comes from a deeply dysfunctional family. Both parents and all her siblings have clinical depression, mom was an alcoholic and parents divorced when she was in HS. There is a lot damage already done to the marriage so the rebuilding process will be slow and difficult but I hope to find a way forward

[NOSUPERMODEL]

I couldn't agree more. You may find a couple or two who seem to have the perfect marriage (they may) but the rest of the world's marriages have some serious problems once in a while and most of them get through the tough times with a bit of hard work and focus.

My wife and I have had some serious problems which were mostly related to my job but whenever she said we needed to talk to someone (she calls our counselor "the lady" and I call her something else because of the size of her chest) I was happy to go have a chat. There are manuals for almost everything in the world but none for knowing what it takes to make a relationship work and I always saw our counselor as the closest thing to a marriage manual. The best part about it was that we had lunch after the meeting -- without the kids -- and it felt as if we were dating again. Man, alone time with your wife is priceless.

I just wish I didn't love my job and could hack the "everyday" type of work where I'm home all the time because I would be able to go on dates with my wife more often.

This is a BIG key. If you have any family I suggest planning a date night at least once a month. Let the kids spend the night with family members and you and the wife go out. It would bring back the fire in your relationship and the break from the kids for just a night can do wonders for a woman. Also maybe plan a weekend get away every 3 months or so. Even if its to a hotel in your home town. Let the kids stay with someone and get away from the same old routine. I think sometimes when you have kids the mother and father start worrying too much about the kids and forget about the spouses. My dad always told me....."Your mom came first". He didn't mean it in a bad way because we had a great relationship. It was hard to understand but I get it now.

Just try and get some alone time with your wife away from the kids and see if that helps. And make divorce the last thing on your mind.

[zaggahamma]

especially in america since they can do whatever they want...

i was thinking that but figured most know that

[cherrydrpepper]

I have mixed feelings about this. First, let me say I have dated women I would not hesitate to divorce (we never got married though). Women in mind enjoy arguing, like to hit and punch and kick during arguments, like to tear their man down and belittle him. So thats the one hand.. saying.. yeah if I had an accident baby with one of those women and made the mistake of getting married, would get divorced. On the other hand though I have met a lot of people that got divorced for the wrong reasons imo. They get bored and want new ***** or dik imo. People who go through life like that are never truly happy, tend to be self centered, tend to hop on a new dik or ***** every few years. They also have a lot of justification speeches. Seen it my whole life. Might be on their 5th marriage, they will launch into a spiel about how their most recent marriage was a love story warner bros is getting ready to make a movie about. Biggest crock of shit ever. A couple of my grandparents and some of my friends parents I have seen firsthand be these assholes. If you are reading this and you are one of those assholes, fk u, no one believes your bs and we all think you are an std ridden whore. At the end of the day, you decide to be happy. You make a conscious choice to be happy and to love people. My parents are pretty much divorced (separated) because my mother is one of the abusive pieces of shit I describe earlier. An argumentative punch hit tear you down make you feel like shit bitch. Ok getting off track but uh you have kids so be a man and do everything you can to try to make it work.

I have been dating this girl a year and she is pressuring me for marriage and while I hate the idea she said something interesting. She said that I am her protector, that I make her feel good about herself, that I am a giver, that I put her before myself. That we should be together because we are both givers and will want to make each other happy. She said a bunch of sweet things like that that hit me heavy yesterday. I know maybe you and your wife haven't felt this way about each other in a while.. but if you can remember a time when you each put the other first.. and get back to that. Every day I build this girl up so much I can't even tell you. I can't tell you how many times I tell her shes beautiful and I go into incredible detail not just physically but her personality and her relationships and life everything. Deep down inside I don't like me that much and I don't think I deserve to have a beautiful woman in my life so every day I am so thankful. When I pray before bed I tell God how thankful I am for this girl and everyone in my life. Its that humility and thankfulness that really helps our relationship. Many times I have gotten down on my knees and kissed my womans feet then pulled her panties down and well you know. Ok anyway if you could find those feelings again I think you guys could be ok I will pray for you.

[Kawigirl]

Wow....your perception of woman is skewed imo. What woman you've chosen to date in the past is based on what YOU'VE let into your life. Like attracts like.

Your unfortunate events have made you jaded....

This is one woman who doesn't enjoy fighting...emotionally or physically....

You need to start choosing better woman cherry.....

[zaggahamma]

having 2 ex wives at 39 i never let myself become jaded...that would give your past too much credence

[dec11]

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[The Situation]

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[dec11]

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[zaggahamma]

i agree with not having to be married to have an equal say...paper/legality, imo, doesnt make a difference..its all a matter of heart

the "staying for the kids" is a tough one... its a selfless act

the op asked for opinions...there not all gonna be on the side to save a marriage

my .02

[Times Roman]

Roman, im not a child, please dont speak to me like one. just because i haven't a piece of paper does mean i'm not going through the motions.

can you explain to me clearly how the fvck someone is supposed to force themselves to start loving someone after its gone, people grow apart, pure and simple.
tell me how my advice is horrible? i think your advice is stupid, the good old ''Americans can counsel through anything, lets paint over the cracks for the sake of 'society's' morals''. yeah sure Roman, stay with someone you no longer love. ace advice there mate, do you think everyone entrusts their live's to religious based sanctimonious BS, some of us have the intelligence to not believe in fairies.

i cant believe a man of your age can be so naive. oh, and how fvcking dare you call my parents fvcked up, do you know them or anything about them? and you're a mod on this board?! thats a joke for starters, offering your little insights on the perils of life. you know nothing about nothing. you sanctimonious idiot.

its not my fault you had to leave home for work so dont fvckin go out on a limb on me.

OK... I see what you are getting at. 4th paragraph down. when i said "your" parents, it definately sounds like I'm singling you out. Didn't mean it to come across that way, but it did come across that way. I owe you an apology for that. I'm sorry mate, it was a callous thing to say, and I should have said it differently. To be very precise with my meaning, and I should have said it this way from the start, but sometimes when i'm on a rant i type faster than i think, and let emotion get the better of me (I'm human), what I should have said, more or less, I could have substituted the word "one's" for "your", but now it just sounds like i'm back peddling, so i'm fukked either way. So it would have read "one's parents" instead of "your parents".

So I stepped on it big time and dont' know what else to say except im sorry. (I mean it too)

Here's the problem i see with most marriages that end in divorce, to try to answer your question. Most marriages end due to lack of effort. Couples stop trying after a few years. They take certain things for granted. Sometimes they stop trying in the bedroom, which sometimes results in infidelity. They take their partner for granted....."Why should I lose weight? I don't need to impress my woman anymore, I'm already married". As time marches on, a twelve pack and the game on the TV is more important than spending quality time with your woman. I've seen this happen plenty of times. Then conversations stop, and the marriage dies a slow death. Yes, during this process, couples fall out of love. And in this case, divorce seems a natural evolutionary part of the marriage. The REASON people go to counsilling, and I'm stating the obvious here, is they have the desire to save the marriage, but not the tools. Couples can sometimes hit a road block, a stalemate if you will, neither side willing to give an inch, and therefore, they go to an arbitrator, or marriage counsiller. Going to a counsiller is no magic pill, trust me. It still requires hard work. And it is NO guarantee that it will save the marriage. But it is something to try. And yes, sometimes it DOES save the marriage. Nothing wrong with that, right? And when there are little ones at stake, isn't it worth the extra effort?

BTW... there is a huge difference between living together and actually getting married. it's a big step, which is why many choose not to do it. And there are plenty of legal ramifications as well. Much different than simply "going through the motions, regardless of how long those said motions have been going on'.

If you have anyother issues i failed to address... let me know
---Roman

[dec11]

OK... I see what you are getting at. 4th paragraph down. when i said "your" parents, it definately sounds like I'm singling you out. Didn't mean it to come across that way, but it did come across that way. I owe you an apology for that. I'm sorry mate, it was a callous thing to say, and I should have said it differently. To be very precise with my meaning, and I should have said it this way from the start, but sometimes when i'm on a rant i type faster than i think, and let emotion get the better of me (I'm human), what I should have said, more or less, I could have substituted the word "one's" for "your", but now it just sounds like i'm back peddling, so i'm fukked either way. So it would have read "one's parents" instead of "your parents".

So I stepped on it big time and dont' know what else to say except im sorry. (I mean it too)

Here's the problem i see with most marriages that end in divorce, to try to answer your question. Most marriages end due to lack of effort. Couples stop trying after a few years. They take certain things for granted. Sometimes they stop trying in the bedroom, which sometimes results in infidelity. They take their partner for granted....."Why should I lose weight? I don't need to impress my woman anymore, I'm already married". As time marches on, a twelve pack and the game on the TV is more important than spending quality time with your woman. I've seen this happen plenty of times. Then conversations stop, and the marriage dies a slow death. Yes, during this process, couples fall out of love. And in this case, divorce seems a natural evolutionary part of the marriage. The REASON people go to counsilling, and I'm stating the obvious here, is they have the desire to save the marriage, but not the tools. Couples can sometimes hit a road block, a stalemate if you will, neither side willing to give an inch, and therefore, they go to an arbitrator, or marriage counsiller. Going to a counsiller is no magic pill, trust me. It still requires hard work. And it is NO guarantee that it will save the marriage. But it is something to try. And yes, sometimes it DOES save the marriage. Nothing wrong with that, right? And when there are little ones at stake, isn't it worth the extra effort?

BTW... there is a huge difference between living together and actually getting married. it's a big step, which is why many choose not to do it. And there are plenty of legal ramifications as well. Much different than simply "going through the motions, regardless of how long those said motions have been going on'.

If you have anyother issues i failed to address... let me know
---Roman

fair enough, lets delete and forget in that case.

my advice was based on a fact of no vices disrupting a marriage. of course if one is drinking to excess or just plain lazy then thats different. i clearly stated and meant when one has fallen out of love through no fault of their own or their partners which is what i took from the OP's post

[FONZY007]

In the end you control your happiness!'