Originally Posted by
Dj Screw
Thank you for making this thread Muscle Science and to everyone who has spilled their guts and posted their stories, I really needed to read this. It's good to know that people can come back from serious problems and that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I have NEVER talked about my problems/depression with anyone ever, until now on this forum. I don't believe in shrinks or mental medication because my mother used to take medication and I know it made her worse. I have always put on the tuff guy act on the outside, but inside I am dying and have been since I was a little, with a few ups and more downs than I can count. This is going to be a really long post, and there are going to be a lot disturbing things in what I am about to type. Please don't judge me or think less of me from what you are about to read
When I was born, my father was a multi-millionaire. Me and my family lived in a million dollar house, pool, owned 5 cars(porsche, mercedes, bmw, and a brand new truck and suburban). I would like to think life was good for my family at that time and everyone was happy and healthy.
I am the youngest of 3 children and have 2 older sisters. When i was about 8 years old my oldest sister who was 14-15 at the time started to molest me, constantly. This continued until I was about 11-12 until I finally broke down and tried to tell my mother what my sister was doing. I was always the problem child in school getting into trouble and my oldest sister made straight A's and was my mothers favorite child by far (still is). When I told my mother what was going on with my sister, she gave me the beating of my life and told me "If you ever say lies like that again we are going to send you off to military school and you will never see us(my family) again" The molesting finally stopped when I was about 12 years old.
Like I was saying earlier, my father was extremely wealthy when I was a child. His parents were wealthy and bought him his own business. He turned a small record shop in the 1970s into a high end audio/video/electronic and home theatre store that lasted for 24 years. Eventually the big stores took over his industry for the most part. When he saw in the paper one day that Wal-Mart was selling the same TV's as he was for what he was paying wholesale he knew he was in trouble. Instead of cutting his losses and closing the store, he dumped all of his money into it trying to keep it alive because it was all he knew for decades... but it failed anyways and he filed for Bankrupcy and had to sell everything. This is when him and my mother started fighting, constantly. We moved to a much smaller house and things continued to get worse. By the time I was 13 I was breaking up physical fights between my parents, and my mother was the one who was the one beating my Dad, he never laid a hand on my mother. I would come in and try to break up the fights and they would continue like I wasn't even there, no matter how hard I yelled and cried. One night she beat him with a shoe in the face and gave him black eyes, and threw his father's (my grandfathers watch, the last thing my Dad had to remember his father) against the wall and it broke to pieces. I went to sleep every night for years listening to my parents yell/scream and slam doors. All over money, plain and simple.
Eventually after both of my sisters were in college, things obviously got even worse financially for my father and we ended up getting evicted and moved into a shitty apartment that wasn't safe, both of my parents cars got broken into within the first week. We lived there for 2 years before we got evicted again because my mother refused to help pay the rent with her paycheck and my Dad simply couldnt keep 2 kids in college/dorms and sorroritys and clothes and books and take care of me and my mom at the same time. I know what you are thinking, "it's his own fault for living above his financial means" but that wasn't the case, he was always the first one to sacrifice and gave my family everything he had. The problem was nothing was ever good enough for my mother or sisters, even when we lived in the million dollar house I remember vividly all of them complaining to my father and wanting to either move into an even bigger house or addon to the house, like it wasn't good enough for them....funny how things work because a few years later we were getting evicted from a $900 a month apartment.
I couldn't watch this go on anymore, and I had to find a way to help out and make money. I was 16 years old and, without going into to much detail...I started selling illegal things. I was good at what I did, never got caught and I was bringing in about $2000 a week profit. By this time my father was in horrible debt. My mother started teaching school after we had to move out of the house I was born in, and she never filed for "Federal Withholding" which is basically where the Government takes out the taxes from your paycheck for you. This went on for years without my father knowing and it ended up being over $60,000 owed in taxes, and my father was responsible as well because they were married. Some of the $60,000 was surely from my father, but most was from my mother not paying her taxes from her paychecks for years. Like I said before, I was bringing in money and I let my father know, and I helped him out EVERYTIME he asked, no questions. I was giving him anywhere from $500-$1000 a week. Once the IRS started to come after him and threatened to garnish his and my moms paychecks (go after their income for years and any/all assets until the $60,000 was paid) if he didn't make a $13000 payment against the $60,000. So he came to me and said he needed as much help as I could give him, and that he had to take care of it before Friday at 5 pm. I assured him I would do everything I could and I would have everything I could by Thursday night. I came home on Tuesday night and had got rid of all of my product already and had all of my money in my hiding spot ready to give my Father. Wednesday I went out and did a few things to free up some more money, when I got home I walked into my room and saw money all over the ground and someone had stolen my money. I had $11,600 in my hiding spot and a little over $3000 on me in my pocket that I had freed up that day. I have never been so shocked in my life. I was VERY careful with what I did, and nobody but my bestfriends knew where I lived, I made sure of that. I was so confused as to who would have or could have done this, the last thing on my mind was that it was my father, because I was going to give him the money anyways. I woke him up (my parents slept in seperate rooms) and told him someone had broken into our house and stolen the $11,600 I was going to give him for the taxes and now I only had a little over $3000 to give him. He very calmly said that it was okay..., and I still didn't realize he was the one who had stole from me (because I figured he knew I was going to give it all to him anyways). What I think happened was he wasn't expecting me to have THAT MUCH money when i was 16, he was probably expecting me to give only $1000-3000 on Thursday and when he somehow came accross my hiding spot, he figured it was best to take the money, and that I was going to get in trouble doing whatever I was doing to make that money. I went on for a month after that constantly going crazy over who could have broken into where me and my family sleep and taken my money...until one day my father admitted he had done it. That was probably the worst day of my life, because he was the person I loved and trusted more than anyone in the world, and I couldnt understand how he could take that when I was going to give it to him anyways, and on top of that not tell me that he took it. I probably never will understand that. I had helped him out countless times and he was the only person I really cared about.
I have forgiven him since. He is a great Dad and everyone makes mistakes, and that money is nothing in comparison to what he has done for me throughout my life. I put myself in his shoes and if I had a 16 year old son with a mountain of cash in small bills that was clearly from something illegal I would probably take it from him as well.....but I would have let him know it was me that took it and to stop what he was doing.
I had one positive thing I had in my life besides my father, and that was my 2 best friends I had known since I was little. They were more family to me than me own sisters. I spent more time with them than I did with my family (im sure you can understand why) They always had my back, and let me know that there is good life outside of the hell I had at home. I met a girl when I was 18, and fell in love with her. I was young, but I have never cared for a girl like I cared for her. To make a long story short, she ended up cheating on me with one of my bestfriends, and my other bestfriend turned on me as well after that happened. This was one of the darkest time of my life, because my whole life and everything good revolved around my 2 bestfriends and my girlfriend, and it all came crashing down in probably the worst way possible so quickly. All of my other friends and everyone I know were connected to my girl and bestfriends and EVERYONE of them turned on me and stuck with my friend who stabbed me in the back.... I dont know what I did to deserve that. This is when I started to fold and was going to commit suicide. Just like Nephets had posted earlier, I too was looking into the best way to kill my self, when and what to do to make it easy on everyone else. Thankfully, somehow I am still here today.
Fastforward to when I was 25. I had no friends, no girlfriend, I could no longer continue making my income illegally, I had no money saved up, and had no college or job experience. Depression is just a way of life for me at this point, everything in my life is dark and painful. I ended up broke and had to move in with my father who was now divorced from my mother, and the best I could do at the time is get a minimum wage job that would barely be enough to even pay the rent if I were to live on my own. On top of that, I started to notice that my sex drive had gone to shit and I was feeling a fatigue that's hard to explain. One night I ended up getting lucky with a girl I had met when I was trying to drink my problems away at the bar down the street. I went back to her place (because I didnt want her to goto my Dads house and know I was 28 now and living with my dad still) and I couldn't perform in bed. I had never been so ashamed in my life, and used to always take pride in making girls happy in the bedroom. This continued to get worse until I finally went to the Doctor and found out I had a Total Testosterone level of 110 on a scale of 350-950. After doing some more blood tests we discovered that my Prolactin was through the roof as well, and that I had a pituitary adenoma which caused the low t. After a failed try with Clomid, the Dr put me on Testosterone for the rest of my life. This obviously hit me hard because, it's going to be tuff to explain to a girl why I need to inject myself with testosterone at age 28 for the rest of my life and also as you all know, this stuff costs a good amount of money as well (at least to me it does)
Today I am 31 years old, and I wish I could say im better or I have at least made progress....but I havent made much. I will say though that the gym is what keeps me alive and it is the one place where I can be at peace and I can let out all the pain and anger on the weights. I don't know if I would be here if it wasn't for the gym and working out. I no longer drink or smoke.
Sorry for such a long post, and some of the disturbing things I have put in this post. I have never told ANYONE about any of this, and for some reason I am sitting here shaking typing this, even though I will never meet or speak to any of you in person.
To all the people out there having problems with depression or being wronged by other people, please stay strong....you are not alone.
Thanks for letting me get this off of my chest
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