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  1. #1
    bex's Avatar
    bex is offline Banned
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    Oct 2001

    Barbie and ken......

    Barbie's and Ken's Letter to Santa


    Dear Santa:

    Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year, being the
    perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December
    and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it
    to ya,' Santa, but it's payback time. There had better be some changes
    around here, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me,
    you don't wanna be around to smell it.

    These are my demands for Christmas 1999:
    1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a
    hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to
    have nylon and velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.
    2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded
    underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!
    3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get
    him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic
    bump of a boytoy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway?
    4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me
    arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away
    once he is anatomically correct.
    5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.
    6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
    7. A new career. Doctor's and Lawyer's make real money.
    8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint
    of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.
    9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl
    10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years -I think I deserve a
    piece of the action.

    Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think
    these demands are reasonable. If you don't like it, you can find yourself
    a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

    As ever,


    Dear Santa:

    It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned
    you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and
    career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging
    remarks were made about me, my sexuality, and some of my fashion choices.
    I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of issue concerning
    Ms. Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and desires:
    First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES NOT
    deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the years. That
    bitch has everything. Neither I, nor Joe, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy,
    have dream houses, Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and some of us
    do not even have the ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a
    limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement but never upstage Ms.
    Barbie. My decision to accessorize with an earring was immediately
    squashed, which I protest, for it was my decision and reflects my
    lifestyle choice. I would like a change in my career to further explore
    my creative nature.

    Some options which could be considered are: "Decorator Ken,""Beauty
    Salon Ken," or "Broadway Ken." Other avenues which could be
    considered are: "Impersonator Ken" (with wigs and gowns), or "West
    Hollywood Ken." These would more accurately reflect my interests and,
    I believe, open up markets that have been under served.

    As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I
    need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable
    knees would also be helpful in other situations of which you are aware.

    In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while
    the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal
    action to be taken by myself and others. And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she
    can forget about G.I. Joe...he's mine, at least that's what he said last


  2. #2
    dane26's Avatar
    dane26 is offline Retired Moderator
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    Aug 2001
    how come barbie never gets pregnant?

    ken always comes in a different box

    sorry guys....couldn't resist the joke!

  3. #3
    lextheflex is offline Junior Member
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    Oct 2001
    Last edited by lextheflex; 11-05-2018 at 04:23 AM.

  4. #4
    Billy Boy's Avatar
    Billy Boy is offline Retired Moderator
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    Aug 2001
    Dane old but still a laugh

  5. #5
    dane26's Avatar
    dane26 is offline Retired Moderator
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    Aug 2001
    like i said....sorry guys

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