Next time you're having a bad day...

[PiecinItUp]

!!!!!!!!

The best one
this one made my day:



An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the American
bank teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today
I get hunat eighty?
The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

[PaRiS2005]

lmao...that helped mine...thanks

[*Narkissos*]

Not that Hole

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right
tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy ****! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!" Help!!!!

The guy says, "****! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

[*Narkissos*]

"10 Inches Of Snow"

A lady goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her.
Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is your name?"
"I can't tell you!" the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her.
On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"
"I can't because you will make fun of me!" the black man says.
"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says,. . . "I knew you would
make fun of it."
The lady replied, "Its my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean!"

[*Narkissos*]

"THe Funeral"

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I
know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

[*Narkissos*]

"Things That make you go...Hmmmmm"


1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out it's rear."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look there anyway?

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

13. Why do "the Alphabet song" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and "Baa Baa Black Sheep" have the same tune?

14. Stop singing and read on..........

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

[*Narkissos*]

"Don't Try To Trick Computers"


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,

"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen you don't have to spend that kind of money."

Mike replies, "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just

give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and

what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars.....a

lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for a urine

sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds

later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy

activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at

Wal-Mart.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe

began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap

water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and

daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits

ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits for the results. The

computer prints the following:



1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softner. (Aisle 9)

2. You dog has ringworm. Bath him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)


3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get

better.

[*Narkissos*]

Test

At a South Dakota school, a police officer roamed the school with an unloaded gun to test the response. The school passed with flying colors when concerned students spotted the gun and shot him.

[*Narkissos*]

Driver's License

A driver stops next to a policeman on a busy square in town and asks him,
"Am I driving okay?"
The policeman says, "Drive, drive, I didn't say anything to you, you're
delaying traffic."
The driver drives around the block, comes back, and asks the policeman,
"Aren't I driving okay?"
The policeman says, "Yes, yes, drive, drive."
The driver says, "Then why don't they want to give me a driver's license?"

[GREENMACHINE]

ANY more.

[SplinterCell]

haha keep em coming

[Slick Arrado]

13. Why do "the Alphabet song" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and "Baa Baa Black Sheep" have the same tune?

14. Stop singing and read on..........

Haha!! :spudniklu

[*Narkissos*]

Bump :d

[Jantzen4k]

good shit nark

[MatrixGuy]

I can't believe i missed this thread. I nearly pissed myself laughing at work! Your the man Narkissos.

[*Narkissos*]

bump!

[dirtyvegas]

The Next Time You Are Having A Bad Day Think About This:

You're A Siamese Twin.

Your Brother Attached At Your Shoulder Is Gay.

You're Not.

He Has A Date Coming Over Tonight.

You Only Have One A$$.

aaa hell no screw that, that be da day i kill sombody j/k.

dv

[G-1000]

this has to be one of the best thread ever. nice job nark