Attention: All Sexually Active Men!!!

[Logan13]

Very true, best way IMO is to get the lucky girly lying on her back with 2 pillows under her arse - this allows a favourable angle for access.
Start with cunnilingus (pussy licking to all those unfamiliar with the technical nomenclature) to get the recipient in a state of high arousal then start straying further south, perhaps only venturing as far as the highly sensitive "taint" or "no man's land" on your first expedition, then revert to cunnilingus before again voyaging south - this time though going all the way to the illicit hoop of pleasure.
After a brief spell my personal preference is to resume cunnilingual activities while caressing the back door with a pussy juice moistened finger before slowly sliding the finger into the forbidden zone, if this is deemed acceptable by the receiver then there is every chance that some full blown anal action is on the cards!

Wish they taught this stuff in school.........this is too funny.

[Dally]

I'M ROCK HARD RIGHT NOW.


mizfit ...actually no...Justin...CALL ME!

[Dave321]

Very true, best way IMO is to get the lucky girly lying on her back with 2 pillows under her arse - this allows a favourable angle for access.
Start with cunnilingus (pussy licking to all those unfamiliar with the technical nomenclature) to get the recipient in a state of high arousal then start straying further south, perhaps only venturing as far as the highly sensitive "taint" or "no man's land" on your first expedition, then revert to cunnilingus before again voyaging south - this time though going all the way to the illicit hoop of pleasure.
After a brief spell my personal preference is to resume cunnilingual activities while caressing the back door with a pussy juice moistened finger before slowly sliding the finger into the forbidden zone, if this is deemed acceptable by the receiver then there is every chance that some full blown anal action is on the cards!

I admire your technique and will use it in reference to my next book... wickedgood description!

[Dave321]

I'M ROCK HARD RIGHT NOW.


mizfit ...actually no...Justin...CALL ME!

wHeRe THE FUUUUUU@# have you been fluffy!!! You CALL ME!!! Going to the gym, ttys!

[Dally]

wHeRe THE FUUUUUU@# have you been fluffy!!! You CALL ME!!! Going to the gym, ttys!

whatever ...you damn well know where ive been.

ur moms a great cook...specially brekkies ....absolutely scrumptous.

[Mizfit]

So what kinda dressing was it

[RA]

Yeah, its all good until you're the butt of jokes. Assface, Donald Rimmsfeld, Colon-breath Powell and the like.

Now if you want to talk about eating the other side, we could bring in the Bush family.

[Dally]

So what kinda dressing was it

creme of some yung ghauy

[cfiler]

Every chick I've been with LOVES to have their salad tossed. This is great advise to any guy who hasn't tried this on their wife.

[Mike Dura]

That seems like risky biz. I mean, you weren't prepared and what if....
That girl is raw!

When I was in college, a little sorority hotty picked me up at a bar..I was shitfaced by the way. Went back to her place and went at it. I do not remember how she got back there, but she preceded to tongue my asshole. I was like, what the fuk? But damn if it didn't feel great. If you saw her on the street, you wouldn't think that she would do something like that. Just thought that I would share, she has always had a "special" place in my heart.

[Mike Dura]

I can't be the recipient. Too ticklish don't you think?

[NotSmall]

I can't be the recipient. Too ticklish don't you think?

You're crazy, I love it!

[RA]

I can't be the recipient. Too ticklish don't you think?

Only if your boyfriend doesnt shave.

[Logan13]

That seems like risky biz. I mean, you weren't prepared and what if....
That girl is raw!

That girl was freakin hot, and I mean freakin. I did not tell the rest of the story since there is a lady present (Mizfit), but you would laugh your ass off.

[Kärnfysikern]

That girl was freakin hot, and I mean freakin. I did not tell the rest of the story since there is a lady present (Mizfit), but you would laugh your ass off.

you mean funny as this??

I spent the summer between my 2nd and 3rd year of college suckling on the parental teat in South Florida. It was the absolute prime of my “do anything to get laid” phase. I was recently freed from a 4-year long-distance relationship that began in high school and I wanted nothing more than to have sex with as many girls as possible.

Most of the things I did that summer are not story-worthy; you can only tell the same, “I got drunk on Dom and ****ed this hottie” story so many times before it gets annoying. That summer I experienced every random sex situation that a 20 year old can imagine: ****ing on the beach, getting head from random girls in club bathrooms, sleeping with 3 different girls in a day, getting so drunk I passed out during sex, getting arrested for receiving fellatio in the pool at the Delano, blah, blah, blah…Jesus. What does it say about how ****ed up my life is that I don’t consider these stories to be extraordinary anymore?

Anyway, while most of my stories may not be extraordinary for me, there is one very notable exception…

I was seeing one girl, “Jaime,” about twice a week. She was a fresh arrival to South Beach, having moved there 5 months ago from upstate New York as a 19 year old with a modeling contract. We met through a mutual friend who befriended her while they were shooting a TV commercial. Five weeks and lots of sex later, she thought we were dating. I knew better, but she was way too hot to bother correcting her assumption.

The ex-girlfriend of 4-years I previously spoke about was very sexually conservative. It was missionary in the dark and then straight to sleep, with maybe a blowjob on the weekends if she’d had a few glasses of wine with dinner (it was a high school relationship, I didn’t know any better). After four years of this, I was ready to experience all the things I’d missed out on (when I wasn’t cheating on her, of course).

Buttsex, known in the biz as “anal,” was one of these unknowns, and I decided that I wanted to try it. Jaime was the perfect partner: very hot and very sweet, and more importantly, very naïve and very open to suggestion.

She was reluctant at first, not understanding why we just couldn’t keep having normal sex, so I had to employ my persuasive powers:

Jaime “But…I’ve never done it.”
Tucker “I’ve never done it either; it can be our thing.”

Jaime “But…I don’t know if I’ll like it.”
Tucker “You won’t have to worry about getting pregnant.”

Jaime “But…I like normal sex.”
Tucker “Everyone’s doing anal. It’s the ‘in’ thing.”

Jaime “But…I don’t know…it seems weird.”
Tucker “It’s the preferred method in Europe. Especially with the runway models. Don’t you want to do runways in Europe?”

After a few weeks of this, she finally consented. Though she agreed to let me put my penis in her small hole, she extracted a promise in return:

“OK, we can try anal sex, but I want it to be special and romantic. You have to take me out to a nice place, like The Forge or Tantra, NOT one of your parent’s restaurants, and it has to be a weekend night, NOT a Monday. And you have to keep taking me out on weekends. I’m tired of being your Monday night girl.”

I made reservations for the next Friday at Tantra. Aside from being insanely expensive, Tantra is famous for having grass floors. Really; they put in new sod every week. They also advertise their food as “aphrodisiac cuisine.” Yes, at that point in my life, I thought these things worked.

Thanks to my father’s connections, I got us a corner booth in the grass room. She was quite impressed. I ordered like it was the Last Supper. No expense was spared. Two $110 bottles of merlot, veal rack, stone crabs, the Tantra Love platter--it was lavish and decadent. I was 21, stupid, and wanted to **** Jaime in the butt; I wasn’t about to let a $400 tab get in my way.

By the time we left Tantra, this girl had doe eyes that would have made Bambi looked like a heroin-chic CK model. She could not have been more in love with me. The entire drive back to my place she was rubbing my crotch, telling me how badly she wanted to me to **** her, how hot I made her, etc, etc. We get back to my place and our clothes are off before we even get in the door. We collapse on the bed and start ****ing. Normal vaginal sex at first, just like always.

Now, what she did not know, and what I have not told you yet, was that I had a surprise waiting for her.

[Aside: Before I tell you what the surprise was, let me make this clear: As I stand right now, 27 as of this writing, I am a bad person. At 21, I was possibly the worst person in existence. I had no regard for the feelings of others, I was narcissistic and self-absorbed to the point of psychotic delusion, and I saw other people only as a means to my happiness and not as humans worthy of respect and consideration. I have no excuse for what I did; it was wrong and I regret it. Even though I normally revel in my outlandish behavior, sometimes even I cross the line, and this is one of those situations….but of course, I’m still going to write about it.]

This was going to be my first time foraging in the ass forest, and I wanted to have a reminder of my trip, a memento I could carry with me the rest of my life…so I decided to film us.

I planned this beforehand, but I was afraid she would decline, so instead of being mature and discussing this with Jaime, I just made the executive decision to get it on camera…without telling her.

That alone is pretty bad. But instead of just setting up a hidden camera…I got my friend to hide in my closet and film it.

No really--I know that I will burn in hell. At this point, I’m just hoping that my life can serve as a warning to others.

I left my door unlocked and we arranged it so that around midnight my friend would go over to my place and wait until my car pulled in, and then run into the closet and get the camera ready. The top half of the closet door was a French shutter, so it was easy to move the slats and give him a decent camera shot through the closed door.

By the time Jaime and I got to the bed, I was so drunk I had forgotten that he was filming this, and of course she had no idea he was there. After a few minutes of standard sex, she kinda stopped and said, all serious and in her best seductive soap opera voice, “I’m ready.”

I quickly flipped her over and grabbed the brand new bottle of AstroGlide I had on my bedside table.

A week prior, after Jaime consented to buttsex, I realized that I didn’t have any idea how to do it. How exactly do you **** a girl in the ass? Luckily, I had the world’s best anal sex informational resource at my disposal: The gay waiter. I consulted several gay waiters who worked at one of my parents restaurants about the mechanics of buttsex, and each one recommended AstroGlide as the lubricant of choice. Much to my dismay, I learned that spitting on your **** is not enough lube for buttsex. Stupid, lying porn movies.

The other important piece of advice I remembered was from Calvin, “Make sure you use enough, because if this is her first time, she’ll be especially tight, and it might hurt her. Use enough to really loosen her up and go slow until she gets used to it. Then it’s smooth sailing from there.”

[Kärnfysikern]

continue...

Well, since some is good, more is better, right? At 21, this seemed logical.

I opened the cap, crammed the bottle top into her *******, and squeezed. I probably emptied half of the 4-ounces of AstroGlide into her. I have since learned from homosexuals that a 4-ounce bottle usually lasts them about 6 months. So yeah--I overdid it.

But Tucker Max wasn’t done. Oh no, after depositing enough grease in her to run a Formula One racecar, I dumped half of what remained onto my **** and balls, really wanting to lube up because I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable.

Really--consider my thought process: I was going to **** her in the butt and film it without her consent, yet I was truly concerned about her personal comfort. Sometimes the contradictions in my personality even amuse me.

Predictably, I slid in with ease. She was a little tense at first, but with an Exxon Valdez size load spilled into her poop chute, she quickly loosened up and got into it. I liked it also; it had a different feel to it. Not as good as vaginal sex, a little grainy, kinda tight, but still very nice.

Before I knew it I was ****ing her like the apocalypse was imminent, burying it to the hilt with impunity. After a few minutes I was ready to come. My urgency was expressed in my tempo, and I began really jackhammering her. As the excitement got the best of me, I pulled out too far and my **** came out of her ass. I kinda scrambled to grab my **** and put it back in so I could finish off inside of her, but before I could even get a hold of it and put it back in her ass, I heard a faint “psssst” sound and felt something wet and warm hit my crotch.

It was dark in the room (I was not smart or sober enough to leave the lights on for the camera), so after I looked down it took me a few seconds to realize that my ****, balls and groin area were covered in a viscous black liquid. I stopped moving and stared at my strangely colored crotch for a good 5 seconds, completely confused, until I realized what happened:

“Did you…did you just…shit on my ****?”
I reached down to touch the liquid feces, still in complete and utter disbelief that this girl shot explosive diarrhea on my penis, when, without warning, the smell hit me.

I have a very sensitive nose, and I have never been more repulsed by a smell in my life. The combination of synthetic AstroGlide and rancid stench of raw fecal matter combined to turn my stomach, which was full of seafood, veal and wine, completely over.

I tried to hold it back. I really did everything I could to stop myself, but there are certain physical reactions that are beyond conscious control. Before I knew what I was doing, it just came out:

“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”

I vomited all over her ass. Into her crack. Into her *******. On her ass cheeks. On the small of her back. Everywhere.

She turned her head, said, “Tucker, what are you doing?,” saw me vomiting on her, screamed “Oh my God!,” and immediately joined me:

“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”

Watching her throw up on my bed made me vomit even more. Her vomiting all over my bed, me vomiting on her ass, the next step was almost inevitable.

I heard the loud CRASH first, turned to see my friend break through the shutters and rip the closet door off as he, the video camera, and the door tumbled out of the closet and crashed onto the floor next to us:

“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”

The memory of the 2-second span where all three of us were vomiting at once is permanently seared into my brain. I have never heard anything like that symphony of sickness. It was like something out of the old Pink Panther movies.

I think the crowning moment was when my eyes locked with Jaime’s, I saw her moment of realization and then her quick shift from shock and surprise to complete and irreparable anger. Between bouts of hurling she flipped out:

“OH MY GOD--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--YOU FILMED THIS, YOU *******-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH-- HOW COULD YOU-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--OH MY GOD-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--I LET YOU **** ME IN THE ASS--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH.”

She tried to stand up, slipped on the huge puddle of backflow AstroGlide on the bed, and fell into both my pile and her pile of vomit, covering her body and hair in vomit, shit and anal lubricant. She flailed on the bed for a second, grabbed the top sheet, wrapped it around her, and started running out of my place. Still naked and retching, my **** covered in shit and oil, I followed her as far as my front door.

The last contact I ever had with her is the image I witnessed of her in a dead sprint, a
shit, vomit and grease stained sheet stuck to her body, running from my apartment.

POST-SCRIPT:

The camera we used was one of those old fragile ones that filmed onto a VHS tape, and when he crashed out of the closet, the tape recorder and tape broke. It didn't occur to us at that the tape records the images magnetically, and we could take the actual tape itself and get someone to put it in another holster until after we had thrown it out. I know it seems stupid now, and believe me I kick myself about it everyday, but you should have seen the apartment afterwards--the tape was not a high priority. AstroGlide, shit and vomit covered EVERYTHING.

I had to rent one of those steam cleaners, buy a new mattress, and I STILL lost my deposit. It was impossible to get the smell out. The next month was like living in a sewer. Every girl I brought back to my place after that refused to stay there, and some even refused to sleep with me anywhere because of how my place smelled.

What I never found out, and I still want to know, is how the girl got home. I never heard from her again, and the mutual friend who introduced us called her but didn’t get her calls returned. I never heard anything about her or from her again, even though she left her clothes and ID at my place (she wore a tight dress out that night, and didn’t bring a purse or any money with her).

Can you picture that scene? What did she do, hop in taxi? Wave down a passing car? Get on the bus? She lived at least 30 miles away, there is no way she walked home. It perplexes me to this day.

I'm hoping she reads this. Maybe then I’ll find out how she got home.

[IronAdonis]

Gotta get that ass spotless.

[Animal Cracker]

Funny..ass eaters! Isnt it strange how colse poopin' and humpin' are..both on a body and in a house?

[Tren Bull]

oh my god... thats terrible. had me laughing hard though

[Jimmya73]

tucker max kicks ass! one of my friends was a really big fan and actually convinced tucker to come up and spend a weekend with him at UGA in athens, he mentioned it in his blog. all those stories on his site are hilarious too

[CRUISECONTROL]

OMG I've missed you Justin

[Massacre]

@ this whole entire thread.

[Dave321]

OMG I've missed you Justin

dooood!!! WHere the fu%k have you been?!?! I hope you've had a balanced diet of proteins, carbs, fats, and ass.

[Dave321]

I had a friend (yes a FRIEND) who was getting a tossed salad and let a squeeker in the girls face... in HER FAAACE!!! At least she didn't have to taste the nuggets!

[Mizfit]

I had a friend (yes a FRIEND) who was getting a tossed salad and let a squeeker in the girls face... in HER FAAACE!!! At least she didn't have to taste the nuggets!

That's nasty

[Kärnfysikern]

I had a friend (yes a FRIEND) who was getting a tossed salad and let a squeeker in the girls face... in HER FAAACE!!! At least she didn't have to taste the nuggets!

tell it like it is justin. I didnt mean to fart in your face but it just feelt so damn good. Wont eat beans before next time honey.

[spywizard]

that's waht i was saying.. or is it politcally correct to let him tose our salda and not toss it back?

We need to know the politically correctness of the whole thing?

Is there a rule of thumb to how far after a meal?

Justin u gotta give us all the info to make informed decisions

that's how we train women... give them oral till the cows come home... then stop, and demand "Good Oral" before ever doing it with them again..

now that was back in the day..

I know the young lasses will drop to thier knees quicker than a attorney will drop for a case..

And some studies show that girls (younger) consider giving oral at about the same level as deep kissing..

Yea 2006..

[Dave321]

tell it like it is justin. I didnt mean to fart in your face but it just feelt so damn good. Wont eat beans before next time honey.

LMFAO!!! Oky oky... you gots meh!

[Kärnfysikern]

LMFAO!!! Oky oky... you gots meh!

Glad I didnt hurt your feelings You took it like a man

[Mizfit]

that's how we train women... give them oral till the cows come home... then stop, and demand "Good Oral" before ever doing it with them again..

now that was back in the day..

I know the young lasses will drop to thier knees quicker than a attorney will drop for a case..

And some studies show that girls (younger) consider giving oral at about the same level as deep kissing..

Yea 2006..

Sexual revolution right..
I'm all up for good sex but in all honesty they do start a bit young now a days..

[Dave321]

Sexual revolution right..
I'm all up for good sex but in all honesty they do start a bit young now a days..

I guess I can't dry hump your leg shot anymore... ehn well...

[Mizfit]

I guess I can't dry hump your leg shot anymore... ehn well...

hmm how big was ur monitor? that was only 150 x 150 pixels

[Dave321]

hmm how big was ur monitor? that was only 150 x 150 pixels

it's not how big it is... but how accurate you are.. and dammit, I was good!

[beefjr22]

Dude, all of this is sick. Just stick my dick in your pussy and im happy.......no need for licking eachothers assholes

[NotSmall]

Dude, all of this is sick. Just stick my dick in your pussy and im happy.......no need for licking eachothers assholes

It's not our fault that you're repressed.

[Goldspeed]

Nice post....Justin Sane...

[Carlos_E]

Nice post....Justin Sane...

@ your avatar! What are you doing, advertising?

[G-Force]

that's waht i was saying.. or is it politcally correct to let him tose our salda and not toss it back?

We need to know the politically correctness of the whole thing?

Is there a rule of thumb to how far after a meal?

Justin u gotta give us all the info to make informed decisions

although my buttock cleavage is already in pristine condition
i dont really want my salad tossed

if anything it'll be me doin the tossing

[KhrisiGirl]

Referring to the original post...I am new here and I was wondering should I follow these five steps 2 weeks on/2 weeks off or 6 weeks straight?
JUST KIDDING!
Khrisi

[Chemical King]

[QUOTE=Justin Sane]3. Work your tongue

The anal region is full of sensitive nerve endings just begging for your tongue's caress. Keep your mouth moist and supple as you work their hole over. Keep your tongue loose and paint wide circle around their pucker. Make it tight, long and pointed to probe and penetrate. Work it in and out, around and around, till your partner begs for more.



wat if she farts