Lost in Translation: The challenge of inter-racial relationships.

**Mike Dura** · 10-04-2006, 12:35 PM

I've been dating this young beautiful Peruvian woman and I think we're now into the second month of our relationship. Recently, it's become obvious that communication is difficult and it's been the cause of some unfortunate misunderstandings. Her English is functional, at best but when I try to make more subtle points, it's of no use. She's not getting the message.

I'm frustrated as I sense the barrier. The illusion and that intoxication that comes with any new relationship is now breaking down as reality is rearing it's ugly head. I'm not going to give up on this relationship but one thing is for sure. I need to change my approach. I have to minimize talk (and let my actions speak) lest misunderstanding occurs. I think just reducing it to simple gestures will say so much more than trying to be close to her through language. It's a completely different mode for me because I'm big on communication via linguistics.

I'm left wondering, however, can love transcend language? Or is language a necessary precurser to intimate communication and human bonding. I guess it's a wait and see thing. Can anyone relate to this challenge when cultures come into contact?

***Narkissos*** · 10-04-2006, 12:37 PM

How is this an 'AR spa' thread?

Moving this to the lounge

**gixxerboy1** · 10-04-2006, 12:54 PM

My girls also speaks english very well. But we have had alot of fights just over miscommunication. She didn't really get some saying or sarcasm. Also she takes things literally as you say it. But we both learned. She gets it more and i say certain things less. It can work if you want it to

**Foskamink** · 10-04-2006, 01:19 PM

my gf is quiet shes embaressed to speak english its her 2nd language but she is as good as any other person.. except for a fair few big words

**Mike Dura** · 10-04-2006, 02:00 PM

My Peruvian seems hypersensitive and sometimes her interpretations seem "off the mark" and when she points out why she's offended, I'm left mystefied. At other times, I feel like I'm trying to communicate toward a common understanding with the intent of resolving a conflict and her agenda seems to be one of "winning the argument." Maybe it's just a difference in maturity.

Originally Posted by gixxerboy1

My girls also speaks english very well. But we have had alot of fights just over miscommunication. She didn't really get some saying or sarcasm. Also she takes things literally as you say it. But we both learned. She gets it more and i say certain things less. It can work if you want it to

**zimmy** · 10-04-2006, 02:03 PM

Originally Posted by Mike Dura

My Peruvian seems hypersensitive and sometimes her interpretations seem "off the mark" and when she points out why she's offended, I'm left mystefied. At other times, I feel like I'm trying to communicate toward a common understanding with the intent of resolving a conflict and her agenda seems to be one of "winning the argument." Maybe it's just a difference in maturity.

no...just a girl :P

Why dont' you try to learn some of her language...so that you can show that you are trying to help fill the communication viod between you two. I'm sure she gets upset at herself and not being able to say what she is thinking and directs that as undeserved anger towards you.

**Mike Dura** · 10-04-2006, 02:05 PM

When I suggest this, she tells me it's not necessary. That she will learn better English. I did start to learn Spanish though. I'm studying it currently.

Originally Posted by zimmy

no...just a girl :P

Why dont' you try to learn some of her language...so that you can show that you are trying to help fill the communication viod between you two. I'm sure she gets upset at herself and not being able to say what she is thinking and directs that as undeserved anger towards you.

**Mike Dura** · 10-04-2006, 02:06 PM

When I suggest this, she tells me it's not necessary. That she will learn better English. I did start to learn Spanish though. I'm studying it currently.

Originally Posted by zimmy

no...just a girl :P

Why dont' you try to learn some of her language...so that you can show that you are trying to help fill the communication viod between you two. I'm sure she gets upset at herself and not being able to say what she is thinking and directs that as undeserved anger towards you.

**J.S.N.** · 10-04-2006, 02:12 PM

IMO women, esp. women with dark complexions, tend to be more emotional than rational. you either have to get as confrontational with them or learn to ignore them completely.

**Mike Dura** · 10-04-2006, 02:19 PM

Confrontation would not work. But being rational probably won't work either. Better to assume that she's an emotional powder keg and I must be careful not to be a spark...

Originally Posted by J.S.N.

IMO women, esp. women with dark complexions, tend to be more emotional than rational. you either have to get as confrontational with them or learn to ignore them completely.

**CSAR** · 10-05-2006, 01:39 AM

Mike, you've definitely got the right attitude bro. I like that you're trying to learn her language, but even more importantly try to learn and appreciate her culture. The main reason is that language and culture go hand-in-hand. My wife has good conversational/functional English, meaning she can live in a native English speaking country, but she struggles with the nuances, like sarcasm because it's not really part of Japanese culture. Same for me with Japanese. Regardless, when we communicate we try to use simple lexis (vocabulary) and phrases, while leaving out those finer points of the language to avoid confusion, misunderstanding, offense, etc. Anyhow, continue being patient and understanding - I hope it works out for the best!! Oh, and a lot of hugs help too (if she's cool with that).

Originally Posted by J.S.N.

IMO women, esp. women with dark complexions, tend to be more emotional than rational. you either have to get as confrontational with them or learn to ignore them completely.

J.S.N. - Turns out you're ignorant in this thread as well. Now you've got a "Confront/Ignore Your Woman" theory to go along with your "Bodybuilding Is So Gay" theory.

How's that for concise?

**NotSmall** · 10-05-2006, 04:07 AM

Mike, have you kept the receipt? i.e. can you return her to the internet site you ordered her from and exchange her for a less volatile nationality?

**Mizfit** · 10-05-2006, 05:49 AM

Hey boys - hate to tell you this but with men and women miscommunication happens even when u speak the same lanaguage - some times even at the best of times men just don't hear what were saying and vice versa. (At least this is what i tell my boyfriend) :P

**Carlos_E** · 10-05-2006, 07:10 AM

Originally Posted by Mike Dura

Maybe it's just a difference in maturity.

I remember you said you were dating a woman in her early 20s? Is this the same one?

**Foskamink** · 10-05-2006, 07:36 AM

hows it going mike?

**pumpd4lif** · 10-05-2006, 07:44 AM

bro my wife speaks perfect english and we still have problems with understanding it is just 2 different culture bro so u need to just be there for her and try ur best to understand her way of thinking.here is a suggestion from my latina........in my next post

bro all i can say is sit her down when she goes off the handle or when she is upset and say to her very commly ,what is more important u winning this argument or us not fighting let her speak her peace and then u speak urs very commly tho.u have to alwys stop her when she starts to lose her cool dont let her get comfortable talking to u in a baligerent way that is how both of u will start to lose respect for one another.and that is when a relationship goes down hill i find that me and my wife even after almost 8 years dont always understand what each otyher mean and yes it will always be a challenge bro .just take ur time with her when she is upset but in no way shape or form should u have to pacify her she is a big girl no need to treat her like a baby. just take it slow when u to are arguing always tell her to sit down and explain to u why she feels this way.without agression nonconfrontational is the only way to deal with it

and yes her age will be a issue
and like u said she grew up in a tough envirement so she is used to protecting herself.be there show her u respect her she is hot blooded bro as u are starting to see and if she is a leo u are really in trouble(or scorpio which could be worse)but if u build a bond with this girl and she is sincere nobody will defend u more then her she will always be by urside gl

**pumpd4lif** · 10-05-2006, 08:28 AM

Like Mizfit said men and women have misunderstandings all of the time. I think the key is respect when communicating with one another. Women are sensitive and emotional where as though for men, they can't think and feel at the same time (it's true, I heard it on the discovery channel LOL) You are from different cultures yes, but also its almost as though we were a different breed (men and women LOL) Relationships are difficult. For it to last you have to nourish it with love and respect and compromise. People are set in their ways and you can't change anyone but yourself. Actions do speak louder than words. I've been married for almost 8 years and it has been a challenge but I love my husband and when you truly love someone you want to make your better half happy. 51% of marriages end in divorce and that is a fact. You have to feed any type of relationship for it to grow. Be patient Mike Dura. If you both want to stay together it will all work out.

**J.S.N.** · 10-05-2006, 09:50 AM

Originally Posted by CSAR

J.S.N. - Turns out you're ignorant in this thread as well. Now you've got a "Confront/Ignore Your Woman" theory to go along with your "Bodybuilding Is So Gay" theory.

How's that for concise?

how's this for you're an idiot?

that post was not intended for serious consumption.

a reasonable person should be able to see the irony in a post that equates complexion with temperament- esp. someone with an internet phd in linguistics.

**pumpd4lif** · 10-05-2006, 10:05 AM

Originally Posted by J.S.N.

how's this for you're an idiot?

that post was not intended for serious consumption.

a reasonable person should be able to see the irony in a post that equates complexion with temperament- esp. someone with an internet phd in linguistics.

yea well how about u post meaningfull suggestions in a meaningfull thread and save the bs for the meaningless ones.
in other words grow up if u have nothing positive to say dont say it at all

**J.S.N.** · 10-05-2006, 11:38 AM

Originally Posted by pumpd4lif

yea well how about u post meaningfull suggestions in a meaningfull thread and save the bs for the meaningless ones.
in other words grow up if u have nothing positive to say dont say it at all

...or how about going to dr. phil's forum for serious relationship device?

**Mike Dura** · 10-05-2006, 12:33 PM

Hey, thanks for the post. Yeah, I'm trying to take a constructive attitude. I care for her very much and yes, I think it would broaden my horizons to learn another language and culture well. Yeah, you definately have to be resourceful at that cultural interface. It keeps you on your toes, that's for sure. Thanks again

Originally Posted by CSAR

Mike, you've definitely got the right attitude bro. I like that you're trying to learn her language, but even more importantly try to learn and appreciate her culture. The main reason is that language and culture go hand-in-hand. My wife has good conversational/functional English, meaning she can live in a native English speaking country, but she struggles with the nuances, like sarcasm because it's not really part of Japanese culture. Same for me with Japanese. Regardless, when we communicate we try to use simple lexis (vocabulary) and phrases, while leaving out those finer points of the language to avoid confusion, misunderstanding, offense, etc. Anyhow, continue being patient and understanding - I hope it works out for the best!! Oh, and a lot of hugs help too (if she's cool with that).

J.S.N. - Turns out you're ignorant in this thread as well. Now you've got a "Confront/Ignore Your Woman" theory to go along with your "Bodybuilding Is So Gay" theory.

How's that for concise?

**Mike Dura** · 10-05-2006, 12:37 PM

Lol. I met her when I was personal training over the summer. On our last orientation, she asked me out to dinner. I was surprised that she had an interest in me - you know, me being the 37 year old gringo and her being a 23 year old Peruvian. But I was attracted to her and the idea of dating a Latina was attractive because it's a forum into another culture. Yet, lately I'm having alot of uncertainties about the viability of a long term relationship.

Originally Posted by NotSmall

Mike, have you kept the receipt? i.e. can you return her to the internet site you ordered her from and exchange her for a less volatile nationality?

**Mike Dura** · 10-05-2006, 12:39 PM

This is very true but add to that cultural and possibly maturity differences and you got one tall order.

Originally Posted by Mizfit

Hey boys - hate to tell you this but with men and women miscommunication happens even when u speak the same lanaguage - some times even at the best of times men just don't hear what were saying and vice versa. (At least this is what i tell my boyfriend) :P

**Mike Dura** · 10-05-2006, 12:40 PM

Yeah.

Originally Posted by Carlos_E

I remember you said you were dating a woman in her early 20s? Is this the same one?

**Mike Dura** · 10-05-2006, 12:40 PM

What's up bro!

Originally Posted by Foskamink

hows it going mike?

**Mike Dura** · 10-05-2006, 12:49 PM

This is some good advice. At this point, I am pacifying her because I'm still trying to orient myself with an approach that is caring, constructive and effective. I think that I have to be more aware to my tone. For example, in one converstation she grew quiet and she later said that I was yelling at her and this was abusive. This was shocking to hear and thinking back on that conversation, I still can't understand why she thought I was yelling at her. Maybe I got impassioned but yelling? What she means by yelling has to be different than what I think of as yelling. Next time, I'll just be extra careful. I think I just need to become more skillfull. I can do that because I have a good attitude and a willingness to learn, but I have to wonder if she can meet me half way because if I'm doing all the work, eventually, I'm going to feel like the relationship lacks balance.

Originally Posted by pumpd4lif

bro my wife speaks perfect english and we still have problems with understanding it is just 2 different culture bro so u need to just be there for her and try ur best to understand her way of thinking.here is a suggestion from my latina........in my next post

bro all i can say is sit her down when she goes off the handle or when she is upset and say to her very commly ,what is more important u winning this argument or us not fighting let her speak her peace and then u speak urs very commly tho.u have to alwys stop her when she starts to lose her cool dont let her get comfortable talking to u in a baligerent way that is how both of u will start to lose respect for one another.and that is when a relationship goes down hill i find that me and my wife even after almost 8 years dont always understand what each otyher mean and yes it will always be a challenge bro .just take ur time with her when she is upset but in no way shape or form should u have to pacify her she is a big girl no need to treat her like a baby. just take it slow when u to are arguing always tell her to sit down and explain to u why she feels this way.without agression nonconfrontational is the only way to deal with it

and yes her age will be a issue
and like u said she grew up in a tough envirement so she is used to protecting herself.be there show her u respect her she is hot blooded bro as u are starting to see and if she is a leo u are really in trouble(or scorpio which could be worse)but if u build a bond with this girl and she is sincere nobody will defend u more then her she will always be by urside gl

**Mike Dura** · 10-05-2006, 12:56 PM

Thanks for the wonderful advice. I guess I'm on the right track because I've been saying the very same message to her to make my intentions clear. I care for her and I'm investing myself into the relationship. I'm with you: You have to care for love and as you say, nurture it - it's hard work and you have to always, in my oppinion, excercise self-analysis and humility.

I feel I give her respect when we communicate and I tell her directly that I respect her, I love her, and I want the best for her. I try to be a positive influence in her life. I encourage her to take constructive action on her own behalf (e.g., diet, excersize, taking a day off from work, asserting herself, etc.). I think we're on the same page.

Originally Posted by pumpd4lif

Like Mizfit said men and women have misunderstandings all of the time. I think the key is respect when communicating with one another. Women are sensitive and emotional where as though for men, they can't think and feel at the same time (it's true, I heard it on the discovery channel LOL) You are from different cultures yes, but also its almost as though we were a different breed (men and women LOL) Relationships are difficult. For it to last you have to nourish it with love and respect and compromise. People are set in their ways and you can't change anyone but yourself. Actions do speak louder than words. I've been married for almost 8 years and it has been a challenge but I love my husband and when you truly love someone you want to make your better half happy. 51% of marriages end in divorce and that is a fact. You have to feed any type of relationship for it to grow. Be patient Mike Dura. If you both want to stay together it will all work out.

**CSAR** · 10-05-2006, 04:13 PM

Originally Posted by J.S.N.

how's this for you're an idiot?

that post was not intended for serious consumption.

a reasonable person should be able to see the irony in a post that equates complexion with temperament- esp. someone with an internet phd in linguistics.

Apparently, you're the only one who doesn't understand that Mike created a serious thread looking for some useful advice. This is a perfect example of why you're ignorant. Another example of your ignorance is that you equate linguistics with journalism or literature. Nothing in your post conveys "complexion with temperament." Better go back to Wikipedia and do some more research.

You have some intelligence, which is why I didn't regress to the 1st grade and call you an "idiot." Whatever intelligence you have isn't coming through your posts. Rather, you come across as insensitive and immature. And don't be so threatened by a degree - I got it out of a box of Frosted Flakes, not the Internet. It came with a free decoder ring and was signed by Tony the tiger himself. It even fits in my wallet!