Steps to poop like a Man

**MotoXracer** · 11-30-2006, 07:19 PM

1 Select reading material (can be anything except a porn mag).
2 Tell everyone along the way "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
3 Pull pants and trousers down around the ankles, then sit down.
4 Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.
5 Open reading material and relax.
6 Whilst waiting, it is traditional to fart audibly.
7 Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
8 Remain sitting and reading until pins and needles set in to your legs and buttocks.
9 Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of any irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend orwife. eg. colour, consistency, any visible trace of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.
10 Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the bowl.
11 Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of shit on the paper.
12 Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course it will come away by itself. Or when your girlfriend or wife next uses the loo.
13 Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again).
14 Wash your hands once.
15 Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

**DSM4Life** · 11-30-2006, 08:14 PM

Originally Posted by MotoXracer

8 Remain sitting and reading until pins and needles set in to your legs and
.

Been there done that

**donniebrasco** · 11-30-2006, 08:22 PM

bloody hell ive been doing it wrong all these years.

**donniebrasco** · 11-30-2006, 08:24 PM

Originally Posted by MotoXracer

19 Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of any irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend orwife. eg. colour, consistency, any visible trace of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.
.

**Tesla** · 11-30-2006, 08:54 PM

**l2elapse** · 11-30-2006, 10:35 PM

Originally Posted by donniebrasco

no thank you

**Johny-too-small** · 11-30-2006, 10:46 PM

I will never outgrow this stuff.

**Hoggage_54** · 11-30-2006, 10:54 PM

I hate those dumps that take a whole roll of toilet paper to clean

**chest6** · 11-30-2006, 11:08 PM

ooo ive had some massive ones lately

**UpstateTank** · 11-30-2006, 11:28 PM

hahahahahahahah f'in hilarious!

**Timm1704** · 12-01-2006, 07:42 AM

dude, u been watching me shit?

**MAXIMA5** · 12-01-2006, 01:53 PM

Originally Posted by Hoggage_54

I hate those dumps that take a whole roll of toilet paper to clean

baby wipes, my friend.

**italianplayboy09** · 12-01-2006, 02:33 PM

Originally Posted by MAXIMA5

baby wipes, my friend.

ah the greatest bathroom invention

**Snrf** · 12-01-2006, 02:40 PM

gotta like those ones that are all clean tho, especially when theres nothing in the toilet afterwards either and you're like "did i really shit?"

**Timm1704** · 12-02-2006, 12:44 PM

Originally Posted by Snrfmaster

gotta like those ones that are all clean tho, especially when theres nothing in the toilet afterwards either and you're like "did i really shit?"

the scientific name for those are "phantom shits" or "ghost poos"

**italianplayboy09** · 12-02-2006, 01:46 PM

Originally Posted by Timm1704

the scientific name for those are "phantom shits" or "ghost poos"

**MuscleScience** · 12-02-2006, 02:08 PM

I hate the ones that come out like soft serve icecream

**needmorestrength** · 12-02-2006, 02:42 PM

hahahahhahahahaha priceless.. Funny thing is Im sitting on the shitter right now LOL

**ThizzKing** · 12-02-2006, 03:36 PM

What about bringing the laptop into the shitter and reading this thread while shitting?

**lightwaytbaby** · 12-04-2006, 11:18 AM

thats not funny, i think this guy is watching me take a shit...

**MuscleScience** · 12-04-2006, 12:41 PM

Originally Posted by ThizzKing

What about bringing the laptop into the shitter and reading this thread while shitting?

Thank god for wireless internet!!!!!!!!!

**Jakspro** · 12-04-2006, 01:24 PM

thank god for baby wipes... you know, i've never ever checked to see if they come in bulk at costco. Man, on a mission today

**Bigen12** · 12-04-2006, 01:34 PM

Originally Posted by MotoXracer

1 Select reading material (can be anything except a porn mag).
2 Tell everyone along the way "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
3 Pull pants and trousers down around the ankles, then sit down.
4 Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.
5 Open reading material and relax.
6 Whilst waiting, it is traditional to fart audibly.
7 Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
8 Remain sitting and reading until pins and needles set in to your legs and buttocks.
9 Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of any irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend orwife. eg. colour, consistency, any visible trace of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.
10 Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the bowl.
11 Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of shit on the paper.
12 Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course it will come away by itself. Or when your girlfriend or wife next uses the loo.
13 Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again).
14 Wash your hands once.
15 Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

I do another step here at work, I'll call it #16
Walk out of the bathroom, and tell everyone what I ate to make that awful smell.

**K.Biz** · 12-04-2006, 01:38 PM

Originally Posted by MuscleScience

Thank god for wireless internet!!!!!!!!!

dido

**rafael** · 12-04-2006, 02:33 PM

are we gonna start rating our poo now:O

**Superhuman** · 12-04-2006, 03:34 PM

Peek-a-Boo poops are the worst! That's when you start shitting but it gets sucked back up your anus and smears on the way up so you didn't actually poop anything but you still have to wipe!!

**Superhuman** · 12-04-2006, 03:36 PM

here's a list i found on google - my old roomate used to have a poster with all of them hanging in the bathroom lol

GHOST Poop: The kind where you feel the Poop come out, but there is no Poop in the toilet.

CLEAN Poop: The kind where you Poop it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the paper.

WET Poop: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels un-wiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.

SECOND WAVE Poop: This happens when you're done Pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to Poop some more.

POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD-Poop: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG Poop: The kind of Poop that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSEY Poop: It's so noisy, everyone within earshot giggles.

DRINKER Poop: The kind of Poop you have the morning after a night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN Poop: (Self-explanatory)

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-Poop-Poop: The kind where you want to Poop, but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP Poop: This is when it hurts so badly coming out you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS Poop: (The Power Dump). The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

LIQUID Poop: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

MEXICAN Poop:It smells so badly that your nose burns.

UPPER CLASS Poop: The kind of Poop that has no odor.

THE SURPRISE Poop: You are not at the toilet because you think you are about to fart but...oops...a Poop!!!

THE DANGLING Poop: This Poop refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done Pooping it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.