Is This Fair? - Part 2

**mavsluva** · 01-09-2007, 10:43 AM

I posted a thread several months ago pertaining to my wife's sister who is getting married this month via a destination wedding. Here was the thread:

Is this fair?

Well, the time has come and we are leaving tomorrow for the wedding. For those who are not familiar with my situation, my concern about this wedding was the cost that my wife and I would be forced to endure (we've spent nearly $4200.00 to date). My wife is the maid of honor so that pretty much mandates our attendance. Well, my wife and I are currently saving ALL of our money for our child adoption that will take place later this year. To make a long story short, I was forced to pull the cost of this wedding out of my child adoption savings plan to accommodate my wife's sister's high maintenance desires.

UPDATE: Well, come to find out, my wife's sister is ALREADY married. She and her fiance got married at the Justice of the Peace yesterday because apparently there's a law of some sort in place that states that they have to be married on American soil BEFORE getting married overseas. So what does that mean? It pretty much means that I have exhausted a ton of savings to celebrate her wedding overseas. And on top of that, I came down with a case of mononucleosis (AKA - Mono) this past few days so my trip will be very tame due to my illness. And on top of that, my wife's parents are throwing a reception at their church for her sister that I will have to attend. It's out of town, so I'll have to take a few days off of work and put forth more money to accommodate the expenses to this reception. It's just way out of hand!

I have done a good job of digesting the bitterness that I had built up for quite some time pertaining to this wedding. But now, after learning of the fact that they're already married, it's really just depressing in my opinion. The fact that I was not able to make the best decision for MY family just makes this even harder to digest. I've got about 50% of the money that I need to adopt our child, so having that money that I spent on this "celebration" would be very nice.

Thoughts? Female opinions would be MUCH appreciated.

Grace and Peace,
Mavsluva

**Mizfit** · 01-09-2007, 10:52 AM

I think her sister is unthoughtful. It's her day yes, but it should not come at the expense of everyone else.

when one choses a desitnation wedding - they know the risks of few attendees. If you never made ur issue with it known to her though she mite not of realized the ramifications of her wedding decision on ur lives.

**mavsluva** · 01-09-2007, 10:58 AM

Originally Posted by Mizfit

I think her sister is unthoughtful. It's her day yes, but it should not come at the expense of everyone else.

when one choses a desitnation wedding - they know the risks of few attendees. If you never made ur issue with it known to her though she mite not of realized the ramifications of her wedding decision on ur lives.

And that's the problem. My wife would not let me state my case to her sister because everyone in their family is afraid of their own shadows. Her sister does need a dose of reality, and I had the perfect opportunity to provide it to her.

I think this is an attempt to heal my own heart before anything else. 95% of the time I feel at peace with it. But there's that other 5% that kills me.

Thanks for responding Miz.

**EcToMoRpHiAn** · 01-09-2007, 11:08 AM

In response to your question, no it is not fair. The sister in law seems like a conceded b1tch to me, no offense. I know that you don't really have much choice in this matter now, but good luck to you, and hopefully god will smile on you and help you come into some money to start your family.

**mavsluva** · 01-09-2007, 11:11 AM

Originally Posted by EcToMoRpHiAn

In response to your question, no it is not fair. The sister in law seems like a conceded b1tch to me, no offense. I know that you don't really have much choice in this matter now, but good luck to you, and hopefully god will smile on you and help you come into some money to start your family.

Ecto - Just what I needed to hear.

Thank you sir.

**prncezzml** · 01-09-2007, 11:28 AM

Ugh that is so discourteous. My cousin got married in Playa del Carmen, Mexico (She wanted it in St. Thomas, but chose to opt for somewhere that had an all inclusive resort so the guests could afford it more easily). Luckily my dad gave me the money for my half of the trip so my boyfriend only had to pay for himself. I agree with ecto, she obviously had no concern for anyone else, I'm sure she knows of your plans to adopt a child right? My uncle is doing that right now, he's already in $50,000 and still has not gotten a child, so I understand your frustration. The problem is, you've already spent the money, so holding on to a resentment probably won't make matters any better. You are right to be angry though in my opinion. If my sister chose to do that, we would talk about it first and agree on a destination that wasn't excessively expensive. Just out of curiousity if your wife's sister the baby of the family?

**goodcents** · 01-09-2007, 11:46 AM

Your a good man, but I would get pissed at the whole bunch! "My sister is getting married and we are paying everything on our end" me= " You done lost your fuking mind, fuk that bltch (her sister), I'm getting a kid, fuk you, your sister and your whole puss ass family" That's just me

(you can tell I'm not ready to get married

) I would try to get my money back and do what's right for "your" family, I'm shocked that your wife is putting you thru this knowing how bad you want a child and the fact that you can not have one.

**goodcents** · 01-09-2007, 11:47 AM

My cousin got a little girl about a year ago ( a white girl if anyone one cares, only stated because right or wrong, white babies are alot harder to adopt

)

**Bigen12** · 01-09-2007, 11:59 AM

Most of my wife's family is in NY, when we got married here in Georgia, only a few of her family members were able to attend.

Her best friend couldn't and we understood.

It's unreasonable for a person to expect everyone to incur one hell of an expense just to attend their marriage ceremony.

In addition, with everyone spending that kind of money to attend the wedding, they shouldn't expect to get much more than a card, in the way of gifts.

**goodcents** · 01-09-2007, 12:05 PM

Originally Posted by Bigen12

Most of my wife's family is in NY, when we got married here in Georgia, only a few of her family members were able to attend.

Her best friend couldn't and we understood.

It's unreasonable for a person to expect everyone to incur one hell of an expense just to attend their marriage ceremony.
In addition, with everyone spending that kind of money to attend the wedding, they shouldn't expect to get much more than a card, in the way of gifts.

Real life experiences are always good

Get the kid first, then worry about everything else later if at all

* Goodcents, single till he dies*

**goodcents** · 01-09-2007, 12:08 PM

Since you are going thru with this madness, you might as well just do it and move on

I see this as a big thorn that could mess with the whole marriage

I could not forgive it myself, but you know you better than me

Marriage is give and take, but it looks like you are the only one giving

**goodcents** · 01-09-2007, 12:11 PM

This thread is pissing me off and I'm not even involved

Mavsulva is a good man that tries to help others and been thru a hell of alot and only wanted to have a child to love that he could call his own and they can't even give him this?

**prncezzml** · 01-09-2007, 12:44 PM

Mavs where are you planning on adopting from?

**mavsluva** · 01-09-2007, 12:57 PM

Originally Posted by prncezzml

Ugh that is so discourteous. My cousin got married in Playa del Carmen, Mexico (She wanted it in St. Thomas, but chose to opt for somewhere that had an all inclusive resort so the guests could afford it more easily). Luckily my dad gave me the money for my half of the trip so my boyfriend only had to pay for himself. I agree with ecto, she obviously had no concern for anyone else, I'm sure she knows of your plans to adopt a child right? My uncle is doing that right now, he's already in $50,000 and still has not gotten a child, so I understand your frustration. The problem is, you've already spent the money, so holding on to a resentment probably won't make matters any better. You are right to be angry though in my opinion. If my sister chose to do that, we would talk about it first and agree on a destination that wasn't excessively expensive. Just out of curiousity if your wife's sister the baby of the family?

No, she's 34 years old. She's very much well aware of our child adoption plans. My wife and I are forced to adopt due to my experiences with cancer back in 2001-02. I'm a human birth control pill.

**mavsluva** · 01-09-2007, 01:06 PM

Originally Posted by goodcents

Since you are going thru with this madness, you might as well just do it and move on

I see this as a big thorn that could mess with the whole marriage

I could not forgive it myself, but you know you better than me

Marriage is give and take, but it looks like you are the only one giving

This whole ordeal is not messing with my marriage at all. It's a personal issue for me. There's just some basic principles that I like to adhere to, and I truly feel as if one of them is being jeopardized.

For example: A similar scenario would be for me and my wife to adopt a child in Australia and see to it that everyone that we know is there when we pick him/her up to take him/her back to the states.

BUT my heart's not built that way. I've told my wife that if she had elected to have a destination type wedding, then I would have had NO ONE there on my side. I just don't have the guts and the heart to burden anyone with that kind of financial committment.

**Bigen12** · 01-09-2007, 01:12 PM

Originally Posted by mavsluva

This whole ordeal is not messing with my marriage at all. It's a personal issue for me. There's just some basic principles that I like to adhere to, and I truly feel as if one of them is being jeopardized.

For example: A similar scenario would be for me and my wife to adopt a child in Australia and see to it that everyone that we know is there when we pick him/her up to take him/her back to the states.

BUT my heart's not built that way. I've told my wife that if she had elected to have a destination type wedding, then I would have had NO ONE there on my side. I just don't have the guts and the heart to burden anyone with that kind of financial committment.

I know what you mean, I try to always do the right thing, period. However it makes me angry when people take me or especially my family for granted.

I'm a big believer in karma, these type of things come back to haunt ya.

**mavsluva** · 01-09-2007, 01:15 PM

You know folks, I think that I state the fact that I'm far from perfect in about 1 in every 5 of my posts on this board. This is just a perfect example of how non-perfect that I am. Writing all of this out just proves to myself that I am not as spiritually mature as I think that I am.

Thanks to all that have responded.

**Bigen12** · 01-09-2007, 01:18 PM

Originally Posted by mavsluva

You know folks, I think that I state the fact that I'm far from perfect in about 1 in every 5 of my posts on this board. This is just a perfect example of how non-perfect that I am. Writing all of this out just proves to myself that I am not as spiritually mature as I think that I am.

Thanks to all that have responded.

Bro,

I wouldn't take it that way.

If you were saving your money, to buy a boat, or some other meaningless desire, I would tend to agree with you.

However you are saving to adopt a child, I think you'll be hard pressed to find a more noble thing to save money for.

I've adopted 4 children myself it's a good feeling to know you are doing what is right.

**goodcents** · 01-09-2007, 01:58 PM

Originally Posted by Bigen12

Bro,

I wouldn't take it that way.

If you were saving your money, to buy a boat, or some other meaningless desire, I would tend to agree with you.

However you are saving to adopt a child, I think you'll be hard pressed to find a more noble thing to save money for.

I've adopted 4 children myself it's a good feeling to know you are doing what is right.

I'm going to shut up and let bigen talk

He knows that what is going on is not right. This is the best post so far. A case of been there, done that

Preach brother

**Shane35aa** · 01-09-2007, 02:09 PM

Good luck with the adoption. Yeah I think she is definately asking alot, to much from everyone. Hell your gonna spend as much on your sister in laws wedding as I spent on my first divorce.

**goodcents** · 01-09-2007, 02:20 PM

Originally Posted by Shane35aa

Good luck with the adoption. Yeah I think she is definately asking alot, to much from everyone. Hell your gonna spend as much on your sister in laws wedding as I spent on my first divorce.

**ect0m0rph** · 01-09-2007, 02:49 PM

Yeah it sounds like you are in a tough situation, well you are a smart guy and I think you will do what is right, whatever that may be. Good luck with the adoption and good luck with the wedding whatever you plan on doing

**mavsluva** · 01-09-2007, 02:57 PM

Originally Posted by ect0m0rph

Yeah it sounds like you are in a tough situation, well you are a smart guy and I think you will do what is right, whatever that may be. Good luck with the adoption and good luck with the wedding whatever you plan on doing

Thanks. We're leaving for it tomorrow so it's all set in stone and has been for quite some time now. And paid for.