dad's gotta drinking problem, mom's probably gonna leave him

**bulldawg_28** · 08-27-2007, 12:11 AM

Does anybody have any advice? I'd really hate to see my parents split up. I know that if my mom leaves my dad will be even more of an alcoholic than what he already is. And if that happens, he won't be around much longer.

I really don't know that to do in this situation. Last night, I picked my dad up from the bar, and he confided to me that he's thinking of divorce. Mom first mentioned this about a year ago.

Tonight, my mom about cried to me telling me about how dad gets drunk, and cusses her out and what not. She said that for the anniversary they went out to dinner, and my dad was staring at another woman the whole time. As well as a few other things.

I don't know how to feel about this. I feel anger, frustration, and even guilt, because I know that some of their problems are because of me and my sister. My dad's job takes a toll on him, which I guess results with him drinking a shit ton. Also, the only things my dad's friends really ever do is go to the bar. Which is fun maybe 1-2 times a week. But he's been going a lot more lately, and when he's not at the bar, he's drinking at home.

He can't take another job because we recently moved, so we're paying rent and having another house built. My mom has been looking for a job, but to no avail yet. And I'm stuck in the middle. I heard both sides from them. I understand that Dad likes to go out and have a good time, and mom is more of the type to stay home. I know that he needs to blow off steam, because of his job. **** I don't know. I'm even guilty of going out with my dad a few times. But that's stopped a little while back because I didn't want him to get into any more trouble. In fact, I hardly ever drink anymore. I'm actually thinking about quitting drinking altogether seeing how alcohol is affecting my parent's marriage.

I mentioned counseling to my mom. She says that dad won't probably wont go, and will deny he has a drinking problem. I'm actually thinking of talking with him. I don't want to see my parents split up, and then watch my father's life go down the drain even more because of it. He's my brother and my best friend.

**epno** · 08-27-2007, 12:33 AM

Sorry to hear your parents situation. I got sober 15 years ago. Trouble with work, the law, and friends didn't convince me to stop drinking. I had to get to the point where it didn't work for me anymore. Then I was willing to look at other options. An intervention might work if your father is close to that point. For the basis about AA, try reading the following.
http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/...fguidetoaa.pdf

Good luck.

PM me if you need to talk.

**Pro_built7** · 08-27-2007, 12:36 AM

wow man, its actually strange how incredibly similar my situation is to yours, its actually identical. I think the best thing to do is to talk with him like you said, I've tried this with my dad and I'm pretty sure it impacts him alot even if he doesn't show it, b/c normally he slows down alot for awhile, but starts back up again, and then the cycle starts over, really I think theres only so much you can do until he comes to his own realization, but the best thing is to start of by talking with him and try to get the whole family involved, but not at once b/c then it might cause him to get worse and angry thinking everones against him and what not, but over the span of a few weeks have random family member have intermittent talks with him expressing how they want him around for years to come etc.. dont make it sound liek " your ruining our family " b/c then he will only become depressed and worse, but rather make it sound like the former. Anywayy.. thats some of the stuff that has seemed to work with my dad in the past years, he goes through phases of bad and good etc.. alcoholism is a lifelong battle but you will have a huge impact on him by talking to him b/c you are his son.
good luck man .

**DSM4Life** · 08-27-2007, 04:29 AM

I had the same problem going on myself until i moved out. Bottom line, if your dad doesnt seek professional help and want to change himself the nothing is going to work. First talk to him and let him know how his drinking effects you.

**dupa95** · 08-27-2007, 05:16 AM

You can suggest things that he can do. But in fact IF he is an alcoholic He more than likey do what he is guna do and there is nothing you can do. My sugestion to YOU would to attend some al-non meetings. Al-non is for the famliys of drunks and aa is for drunks. I know a thing or two about your dad I have been I recovery for over 12 years now. If you need to talk PM me. I come here just about every day. Good luck and I always say a prayer for the sick and suffering.

**zimmy** · 08-27-2007, 05:48 AM

well...that sounds bad man... but just know that if she does leave him ... it doesn't have to be forever....they do say you have to hit rock bottom...maybe that will be what it takes to finally get him to get help.

**taiboxa** · 08-27-2007, 07:30 AM

alcoholism tears familys apparts almost on a weekly bassis now days.. that or the women just put up w/ it and eventually go nuts.. unles they are the acloholic who wreck 2 cars you gave em >< JUST kuz their hot doesnt mean u shud help them out! (sorry rant)

my father is an alcoholic.. but a functional drunk... kinda. LOVES TO MOW w/ his beer! and my mom is an enabler he has been drinkin so long she doesnt even notice it since she has never seen him sober. he has tried to dry out many times allways fails. i dont think i know a single alcoholic who has changed.. some have went dry for oh.. maybe a year or 2 then they find an excuse to have 1 drink.. then 2.. then they are full circle.

either way its all on him if your father is goingto change.. because sometimes the more u push someone the more they push back and less progress is made

**smokeyd** · 08-27-2007, 08:14 AM

I agree man I would set his ass down and let him know how you really feal and how he is affecting all the people in his life, Good luck man, i had similer situation about 5 years ago and dad got sober.

**Perforator** · 08-27-2007, 09:01 AM

Sit down with him and let him know how it's affecting not only your mother but you and your sister too. Don't give up, keep working on him. But ultimately it's up to him to make a change.

**dupa95** · 08-27-2007, 09:37 AM

Originally Posted by taiboxa

alcoholism tears familys apparts almost on a weekly bassis now days.. that or the women just put up w/ it and eventually go nuts.. unles they are the acloholic who wreck 2 cars you gave em >< JUST kuz their hot doesnt mean u shud help them out! (sorry rant)

my father is an alcoholic.. but a functional drunk... kinda. LOVES TO MOW w/ his beer! and my mom is an enabler he has been drinkin so long she doesnt even notice it since she has never seen him sober. he has tried to dry out many times allways fails. i dont think i know a single alcoholic who has changed.. some have went dry for oh.. maybe a year or 2 then they find an excuse to have 1 drink.. then 2.. then they are full circle.

either way its all on him if your father is goingto change.. because sometimes the more u push someone the more they push back and less progress is made

WELL said

**Renesis** · 08-27-2007, 09:55 AM

I love both my parents very much, do would give their lives for me as I would for them. But I swear to god if my dad became an alcoholic and yelled or got violent with my mom (shes 5ft 120) (hes 5ft 11 205) I would kill him.

**bulldawg_28** · 08-27-2007, 03:01 PM

Thanks for being there for me guys. I'm gonna try and talk to him either late tonight, or tomorrow night. But I'm not sure if it will do much. He's cut down his alcohol intake before, only to turn right around again. Its kinda sad, the only things his friends do together is go out to the bars.

My mom and him joined a gym today, so hopefully they'll start spending some time together at the gym.

**Tock** · 08-27-2007, 05:34 PM

Addiction makes you do two things:

1) lie to yourself
2) lie to everyone else

People generally acquire addictions as a means to deal with some other pain in their lives. So what you're dealing with here is not only a physical dependance on alcohol, but an underlying cause that drove him to use it.

First thing, you need help for yourself. Attend an AA meeting, or talk to a counselor who knows about addictions. You're probably involved in the social dynamics that enable his drinking, so you need to learn what you can do to discontinue that. Plus, you'll probably need to learn what else you can do to fix things (probably not much), and some other stuff.

Anyway, what you need to do is talk to a qualified counselor, first for yourself. Then, later, for him.

Good luck. Addiction is a tricky business. Not everyone beats it.

**Amorphic** · 08-27-2007, 06:09 PM

^^^^ Agree with Tock. Addictions are the worst things to overcome, the willpower it takes to stop doing something you feel helps you but really destroys you is unbelievable.

Like everyone has said, intervention is most likely the only way to help out and try to get him serious about sobering up.

Whatever happens, best of luck.

**taiboxa** · 08-27-2007, 06:11 PM

Originally Posted by Amorphic

^^^^ Agree with Tock. Addictions are the worst things to overcome, the willpower it takes to stop doing something you feel helps you but really destroys you is unbelievable.

Like everyone has said, intervention is most likely the only way to help out and try to get him serious about sobering up.

Whatever happens, best of luck.

i love my addictions.. and i will share them w/ anyone
i do it on here on a daily basis!
but i wont share my tren >:[

**Illusions** · 08-27-2007, 07:40 PM

Originally Posted by Tock

Addiction makes you do two things:

1) lie to yourself
2) lie to everyone else

People generally acquire addictions as a means to deal with some other pain in their lives. So what you're dealing with here is not only a physical dependance on alcohol, but an underlying cause that drove him to use it.

First thing, you need help for yourself. Attend an AA meeting, or talk to a counselor who knows about addictions. You're probably involved in the social dynamics that enable his drinking, so you need to learn what you can do to discontinue that. Plus, you'll probably need to learn what else you can do to fix things (probably not much), and some other stuff.

Anyway, what you need to do is talk to a qualified counselor, first for yourself. Then, later, for him.

Good luck. Addiction is a tricky business. Not everyone beats it.

I feel for ya, thats a horrable situation to be in. Like what was said above, talking to someone qualified to help you or guide you in the right direction would be good.
Just remember that no matter what happens don't blame yourself or your parents. Alcoholism is classed as disease so if your gonna get mad, get mad at the disease.
IMO not many people get out before rock bottom, which can be different for everyone, a DUI, an intervention, or worst but in the end he has to want to change, U can't change him, which makes it so hard.

good luck, best wishes

**outofthebox** · 08-27-2007, 08:06 PM

good luck man....my parents just split for similar reasons...don't mean to sound the pessimist, but if thats what they are both planning, its gonna happen...but you've got to understand there probly isn't much you can do...you can suggest counselling as you said.... even though u think your dad will get worse it may really be whats better for your parents...my advice would be to distance yourself from them while they do this thing so you dont get dragged into the middle farther than you are already

**bulldawg_28** · 08-27-2007, 10:34 PM

Thank again guys. Tock do you honestly think I need counseling? I really don't see how I need it, but I can look into it.

I haven't got to talk to him yet. But I'll probably be able to tomorrow. I really don't know how I'm going to break it to him. I can see it now "hey dad, can we talk? Listen, I really think it would be better for all of us if you'd cut down on the alcohol." Doesn't really sound to good imo.

**Igifuno** · 08-27-2007, 10:52 PM

i have an alcoholic in my familiy too, and i can't believe some of the stuff i've seen. its a disease and it affects the whole family. counseling, even for you, can't hurt - do you have an EPA program through your work or anything? you can typically get some sound professional advice there. Your dad needs to admit he has a problem before progess can be hoped for. he needs to want to stop drinking and save his familiy - there are programs that he can get into where he can go away for a month or more to get sober. admitting the problem and living the changed life with getting continued help afterward is very challenging and your dad needs the support of you and your mom if he decides that to be the road he chooses.

again, i know how hard this situation is. each one is equally as hard as the other, and i wish you and your parents the best man. don't give up on your dad, bro - hopefully he can see what his disease is causing and he'll want to stop it. we're definetley here for you though - a lot of good posts on this thread.. let us know dude....

**bulldawg_28** · 08-27-2007, 11:00 PM

In all honesty guys, I don't get the short end of the stick when my dad drinks. My sister and my mom do. Whenever I'm with him, he seems like a very happy and socialable guy. He's never hit them, but he's cussed them out a bunch of times.

Well anyways, I'm off to bed. The second I get off work tomorrow I'm gonna have a talk with him.

**Igifuno** · 08-27-2007, 11:02 PM

good luck man - keep us posted

**Tock** · 08-28-2007, 01:10 AM

Originally Posted by bulldawg_28

Thank again guys. Tock do you honestly think I need counseling? I really don't see how I need it, but I can look into it.

More like education than counseling. But you'd be better off getting the specialized information you need from someone who is an expert in this field. There might be a few books that you could get the necessary information from -- and an expert could give you a good list of helpful and informative books.
My guess is you'll need one session, maybe a couple more if you're having significant distress. Books and maybe sitting in a couple AA meetings might just do the rest . . . depends on a lot of factors, really.

But for sure, go talk with a professional at least once, get some good advice on what to do for him, and more advice on what to do for you. His addiction has negatively affected you in ways that you are probably unaware; his addiction will continue to negatively affect you until you learn the basic dynamics of addiction. On the up side, what you learn by this will continue to come in handy the rest of your life as you deal with people . . .

**ronan the barbarian** · 08-28-2007, 03:19 PM

this sounds like a very mild version of my life...

my advice (i will be hated) f*ck them both,they will change if they want to.and they prob wont change till they choose to.they will not listen to you (maybe in the rare case) they are grown adults so what makes you think they suddenly listen to you?

people will be sympathetic with you but wont talk honestly like me.stand up and run your life before they run it for you.people who have been in this situation will know excactly what im on about others wont.

mate carry on and dont get pulled down

**DSM4Life** · 08-28-2007, 07:38 PM

Originally Posted by ronan the barbarian

this sounds like a very mild version of my life...

my advice (i will be hated) f*ck them both,they will change if they want to.and they prob wont change till they choose to.they will not listen to you (maybe in the rare case) they are grown adults so what makes you think they suddenly listen to you?

people will be sympathetic with you but wont talk honestly like me.stand up and run your life before they run it for you.people who have been in this situation will know excactly what im on about others wont.

mate carry on and dont get pulled down

I can tell just from how your talking that you do know how "we" feel. As bad as this might sound , i have never been so happy since i left my dad.

**jojo2002** · 08-28-2007, 07:47 PM

sounds like a typical family if you ask me... to have a change something dramatic has to happen in your familys nervous system... that will shock it... its kind of like training.. your dad has been training for years to drink... its not going to stop over night and sometimes it doesn't... your dad has to have a BIG reason on why to quite.... my advice is listen to Anthony Robbins, Dr. Dyer and other speakers expand your mind so you can expand thiers........ its all your head... whether you think you can or cant your always right.... good luck

**DSM4Life** · 08-28-2007, 07:52 PM

Originally Posted by jojo2002

sounds like a typical family if you ask me... to have a change something dramatic has to happen in your familys nervous system... that will shock it... its kind of like training.. your dad has been training for years to drink... its not going to stop over night and sometimes it doesn't... your dad has to have a BIG reason on why to quite.... my advice is listen to Anthony Robbins, Dr. Dyer and other speakers expand your mind so you can expand thiers........ its all your head... whether you think you can or cant your always right.... good luck

It has nothing to do with him. His father is a grown man and will do what he wants. His mind doesn't need expanding, his fathers needs to be detoxed.

**Tock** · 08-28-2007, 07:59 PM

Oh ya, one other thing -- if you've grown up while your dad was alcoholic, since you were a young and impressionable kid you probably watched how your parents interacted. They taught you, by their actions, that their dysfunctional behaviour is normal. So, when you go to have your own relationships, you'll revert to acting the way you saw your parents act. This is one of the long-lasting injuries that addicts inflict on children, and it's the sort of thing you'll have to work out with a counselor, probably over a period of time.

**Johny-too-small** · 08-28-2007, 08:07 PM

Originally Posted by bulldawg_28

I feel anger, frustration, and even guilt, because I know that some of their problems are because of me and my sister.

It might do you some good to get some therapy, bro, as said above. Dont blame yourself, your dad is reponsible for himself. Good luck, buddy.

**bulldawg_28** · 08-28-2007, 11:56 PM

No go on the talk guys. My boss needed me to stay and work late, so I got home around midnight.

But I did get a chance to talk to my mom today. She said for the past two days he's only had 1 glass of wine. I'm hoping that he's starting realize his problem. But I won't know for sure until I talk to him.

**bulldawg_28** · 08-28-2007, 11:59 PM

I don't really see how I'm getting pulled down. If my parents end up getting divorced then I'll just move on and adapt like anyone else. I just don't want to see my father die soon because of alcohol whether it be a car accident, or alcohol poisoning. So I'm going to atleast give it a try, I mean what do I have to lose?

Originally Posted by ronan the barbarian

this sounds like a very mild version of my life...

my advice (i will be hated) f*ck them both,they will change if they want to.and they prob wont change till they choose to.they will not listen to you (maybe in the rare case) they are grown adults so what makes you think they suddenly listen to you?

people will be sympathetic with you but wont talk honestly like me.stand up and run your life before they run it for you.people who have been in this situation will know excactly what im on about others wont.

mate carry on and dont get pulled down

**bulldawg_28** · 08-29-2007, 12:10 AM

I'll respond to more tomorrow. Got class in the morning. Thanks and goodnight everyone!

**Kratos** · 08-29-2007, 12:18 AM

My grand-dad drank his liver away, doc said "quit today or you'll die, and to be honest it may already be too late." That was when he was in his late 30's, and he quit until he was 68. He was dead like 3 years later, his liver shit the bed. Even though my grand-dad has been dead like 6 or 7 years I think about him all the time. I know another guy who just died from liver failure, he quit drinking in his 30's and had been on a transplant list, dead at 41.

Drinking is part of my social life and I drink at least once a week, if I ever found it being part of my daily routine I would quit. Mabe try getting your dad some hobbies outside of drinking. Work on a car together, take him to the gym and show him a routine, renovate a bathroom together, a new sport like golf or tennis. Try talking to your mom about optoins, whatever you are going though, she probably has it worse.

**Bojangles69** · 08-29-2007, 01:02 AM

Originally Posted by bulldawg_28

Does anybody have any advice? I'd really hate to see my parents split up. I know that if my mom leaves my dad will be even more of an alcoholic than what he already is. And if that happens, he won't be around much longer.

I really don't know that to do in this situation. Last night, I picked my dad up from the bar, and he confided to me that he's thinking of divorce. Mom first mentioned this about a year ago.

Tonight, my mom about cried to me telling me about how dad gets drunk, and cusses her out and what not. She said that for the anniversary they went out to dinner, and my dad was staring at another woman the whole time. As well as a few other things.

I don't know how to feel about this. I feel anger, frustration, and even guilt, because I know that some of their problems are because of me and my sister. My dad's job takes a toll on him, which I guess results with him drinking a shit ton. Also, the only things my dad's friends really ever do is go to the bar. Which is fun maybe 1-2 times a week. But he's been going a lot more lately, and when he's not at the bar, he's drinking at home.

He can't take another job because we recently moved, so we're paying rent and having another house built. My mom has been looking for a job, but to no avail yet. And I'm stuck in the middle. I heard both sides from them. I understand that Dad likes to go out and have a good time, and mom is more of the type to stay home. I know that he needs to blow off steam, because of his job. **** I don't know. I'm even guilty of going out with my dad a few times. But that's stopped a little while back because I didn't want him to get into any more trouble. In fact, I hardly ever drink anymore. I'm actually thinking about quitting drinking altogether seeing how alcohol is affecting my parent's marriage.

I mentioned counseling to my mom. She says that dad won't probably wont go, and will deny he has a drinking problem. I'm actually thinking of talking with him. I don't want to see my parents split up, and then watch my father's life go down the drain even more because of it. He's my brother and my best friend.

Dude thats the hardest thing to do but its pretty much the ONLY thing you can do.
The crazy thing is people who are addicted to a substance almost always can FEEL something is not right about thier life but thier minds will rarely ever transfer that feeling into a logical thought that exposes the real source of thier issues.
You are not a psychologist but you ARE his son so its like a catch 22 in a way. If it was me I would try to at least ease my way onto the topic and try to talk about w/out making it seem as serious as it really is. Because that way you're more likely to relate to him at the level his mind/denial is at and he *might not be so resistant to talk about it.

But the reality of the situation is people with real addictions rarely quit through a logical conversation. So you might just have to hope the threat or the action of your mom leaving him becomes the rock bottom that springs him into sobriety. Its still a really unpredicable situation so most I can say is focus on YOU and keeping YOUR head where it needs to be.
If you let the situation break you down than your robbing yourself not only of your own strength but a romodel of strength that your dad may feed off of for his own benefit. So no matter what happens, just keep your own chin up and try to be cool with shit. Easier said than done but just try. G/luck.

-Bo

**crazyhorse666** · 08-29-2007, 02:47 AM

Originally Posted by taiboxa

alcoholism tears familys apparts almost on a weekly bassis now days.. that or the women just put up w/ it and eventually go nuts.. unles they are the acloholic who wreck 2 cars you gave em >< JUST kuz their hot doesnt mean u shud help them out! (sorry rant)

my father is an alcoholic.. but a functional drunk... kinda. LOVES TO MOW w/ his beer! and my mom is an enabler he has been drinkin so long she doesnt even notice it since she has never seen him sober. he has tried to dry out many times allways fails. i dont think i know a single alcoholic who has changed.. some have went dry for oh.. maybe a year or 2 then they find an excuse to have 1 drink.. then 2.. then they are full circle.

either way its all on him if your father is goingto change.. because sometimes the more u push someone the more they push back and less progress is made

wow I am amazed that are faimly lives is so close to the same. Im not going to lie I never really cared for you but anybody that goes threw this shit and is alive is my friend! Here's to you bro!