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Thread: Joke time

  1. #1
    StoneGRMI's Avatar
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    Joke time

    A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.

    He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

    The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

    The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9
    inches high and sets him on the counter.
    He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it
    on the counter as well.
    He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,
    which he places in front of the piano.
    The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful
    Piece by Mozart!
    'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

    The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

    This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and
    says : 'Here. Rub it.'
    So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke
    and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

    'I will grant you one wish.. Just one wish... each person is only
    allowed one!'

    The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want
    A million bucks!'
    A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed
    by another duck, then another.
    Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they just keep
    coming, duck after duck after duck!
    The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your
    Genie is a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks.'

    'No Foolin!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?

  2. #2
    StoneGRMI's Avatar
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    You guys don't know a good joke if it hits you in the face!

  3. #3
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    it's not that, it's just that it's too old :P

  4. #4
    Misery13 is offline Not Here
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    lol...

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    A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost.
    Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way.
    He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off.
    He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?"
    and the owner of the house says "Oh that’s the Robinson’s, they're both deaf.
    She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fuk herself!"

  6. #6
    peckerlicker is offline Banned
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    EDITED due to poster being a racist asshole.

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    calgarian's Avatar
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    I am sorry I dont see any humor in Racial jokes.

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    I'm sorry guys, I'm gay so I'm just trying to fit in. I need the attention.

  9. #9
    RangersLTW's Avatar
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    guy goes into a bar and sits down
    bartender walks up and says can i help u
    the guy says ya i bet for a $100 i can make ur donkey laugh that u got behind the bar
    the bartender says i will take that bet
    the guy leaves and goes up to the donkey whispers in his ear and the donkey bust out laughing then the guy goes back up to the bar
    the bartender pays him his money and says i bet u cant make him cry
    the guy replies bet i can and bets another $100
    the guy leaves walks up to the donkey and whispers in his ear and donkey bust out crying then the guy goes back to the bar
    the bartender what did u say to him
    the guy replies first i told him my **** was bigger and he laughed then i showed him

  10. #10
    RangersLTW's Avatar
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    kid is in bed at night and hears alot of noise coming from his parents bed room
    the next day at breakfeast the kid ask his mom what was all that noise and the mom says i was trying to flaten ur dads stomach and then the kids says well that makes no sense because every morning after u leave the neighbor comes over and blows it back up

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by RangersLTW View Post
    kid is in bed at night and hears alot of noise coming from his parents bed room
    the next day at breakfeast the kid ask his mom what was all that noise and the mom says i was trying to flaten ur dads stomach and then the kids says well that makes no sense because every morning after u leave the neighbor comes over and blows it back up
    Mum =

  12. #12
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    I got a classic.

    A horse walks into a bar and sits down on a stool.
    The bartender leans over and asks "Why the long face?"

  13. #13
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    Kid gets a new bike for xmass,so he rides it to the toy store to buy a new toy with his xmass money.A cop rides up to the store on his horse and see,s the kid getting on his bike,he says to the young boy,Is that your bike son and the kid says yes sir,the cop says did santa get you that bike for xmass ?the kid reply,s yes,then the cop says well next time tell santa to put some reflecters on it...the kid looks at the horse and asks the cop is that your horse officer and the cop says y yes son,the kid says did santa get you that horse for xmass and the cop says yes he did,the kid reply,s well next time tell santa to put the dick under the horse instead of on top of it

  14. #14
    RangersLTW's Avatar
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    little girl and boy are taking a bath together, little boy says guess what i heard mom say, the girl says what,
    little boy says a** ,the little girl says well i heard dad say d***
    the little girl says to the little boy at breakfeast this morning lets tell mom what we heard them say
    so that morning at breakfeast the mom in the kitchen with rosy cheeks and all smiles and looks over to the little girl and says sweetie what u want for breakfeast
    little girl puts her feet on the table and says well i guess my a** will have some cheerios
    the moms face turns bright red and slaps the little girl right off her chair and then looks at the little boy and says what u want for breakfeast
    the boy says i dont know but i dont want no d*** cheerios
    Last edited by RangersLTW; 06-20-2008 at 09:44 PM. Reason: punctuation

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by RangersLTW View Post
    little girl and boy are taking a bath together little boy says guess what i heard mom say the girl says what little boy says a** the little girl says well i heard dad say d***
    the little girl says to the little boy at breakfeast this morning lets tell mom what we heard them say
    so that morning at breakfeast the mom in the kitchen with rosy cheeks and all smiles and looks over to the little girl and says sweetie what u want for breakfeast and little girl puts her feet on the table and says well i guess my a** will have some cheerios
    the moms face turns bright red and slaps the little girl right off her chair and then looks at the little boy and says what u want for breakfeast and the boy says i dont know but i dont want no d*** cheerios
    I couldn't understand any of that. Punctuation and grammar exist for a reason.

  16. #16
    RangersLTW's Avatar
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    Sry....was trying to do to many things at one time. You want me to retype it?

  17. #17
    RaWRZ0R!'s Avatar
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    you can use this on a girl lol i have :P

    Alright lets say i have a chicken and you have a donkey....and your donkey eats my chickens feet....what do we have??


    2 feet of my C**K in your a**

  18. #18
    RangersLTW's Avatar
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    Man decides he wants to go fishing, so he gets everything together and goes down to the local pond. When he gets there he gets all is stuff ready and cast out his line, an hour passes and still no bite. In the corner of his eye, he notices this old lady fishing, everytime she throws her line out, she pulls out a fish. So, the guy figures beginners luck and decides to come back the nest day. Still the same results, all day no fish. The next day, the guy decides to go over and talk to the old lady. When he approaches her, he ask, I just got to know how you catch all those fish?, I've been out here for two days and haven't even got a bite. The old says, well son every morning when I wake up, I look to see which way my husbands d*** is laying. The guy says what? The old lady laughs and says what I mean is, if it laying to the east, I go to east side of the pond. The guy says, oh I see, so if its laying to west, you go to west side of the pond. The old lady says, yeah you got it. The guy says thanks and says so if its laying to the north you go to north side of the pond? The old lady says oh no son I don't go fishing that day.

  19. #19
    RangersLTW's Avatar
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    You can use this on a friend.

    You got a rooster and a cat

    How many legs does a rooster have? 2

    How many wings does a rooster have? 2

    Now how many hairs on a cats back? ?

    So what your saying is you know more about c**k than p***y

  20. #20
    RaWRZ0R!'s Avatar
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    ^ROFL haha i am so using that on a friend

  21. #21
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    There’s a guy and girl having sex. The guy busts a n** and throws the condom out the window. The girl freaks out and says, "What the hell are you doing, I’m not done yet and that was the last condom". "Go get it now", she says. So he runs outside to get it but he sees a little boy has it in his hand. The guy says, "Give me that" and the boy says, "no its mine I found it". The guy gives the kid $5.00 and the kid gives him the condom. Then the kid runs home to show his mom the money. His mom asks, "Where did you get that?" The boy says, "I found a Twinkie, and some guy gave me $5.00 for it and he’s sh*t out of luck cause I already ate the cream out of the middle.

  22. #22
    xlxBigSexyxlx's Avatar
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    A snake walks into a bar and the bartender says, "How did you do that"?




  23. #23
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    Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
    "A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

    When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

    Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"

    After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

  24. #24
    james21's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by xlxBigSexyxlx View Post
    A snake walks into a bar and the bartender says, "How did you do that"?



    hahah... good humor

  25. #25
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    A guy walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist, “Listen, I’m having three girls over tonight. I need help.”

    The pharmacist hands the guy Viagra Extra Strength and says, “Take all these and you’ll go berserk for 12 hours.”

    The next day the same guy walks into the drugstore, limps up to the pharmacist, and drops his pants. His penis is all bruised and tied in a knot, and skin is hanging off in some places. He says, “Gimme a tube of Icy Hot.”

    The pharmacist replies in horror, “You can’t put Icy Hot on that!”

    “No, it’s for my wrists,” the guy moans. “The girls never showed up.”

  26. #26
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    A hairlip fellow walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and asks, (hairlip voice) "Hey bartender, how about a beer?" The bartender replies, "Sure buddy, her ya go". And hands him a cold one. The hairlip drinks it down in one gulp and asks again, (hairlip voice) " Hey bartender how about another beer?". The bartender replies again, "Sure buddy, here ya go." And hands him another cold beer. The hairlip downs that one quickly also, then asks the bartender, (in his hairlip voice). "Hey bartender, where's the bathroom?" The bartender explains how to find it, but since he is dealing with a hairlip he thinks is not too bright, the bartender is not too sure he can find it. So the hairlip walks off down the hall in search of the bathroom. About 20 minutes go by, and the bartender is sure the dumb hairlip got lost, when just then, here he comes strolling back to the bar. The hairlip calls out to the bartender, (hair lip voice) "Hey Bartender, gimme a shot o whiskey and another beer, and make it fast. I got a real bad taste in my mouth, and I need to wash it away!". The bartender serves the man what he ordered, but can't help but ask, "Hey buddy, did you find the bathroom without any trouble?" The hairlip replies, (hairlip voice) "Yea, I found it just fine, I ain’t stupid." Bartender "Well what took you so long to get back here?" Hairlip, (with the voice) "Well ya see, I went in the bathroom and there was a great big fella in there with a gun. And he told me to give him a blowjob or he would blow my brains all over this bathroom!". The bartender asks, "Well what did you do?" The hairlip replied, " Well mister you didn't hear no shooting did ya?!"

  27. #27
    RangersLTW's Avatar
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    Mom gives a girl a man for her 18th birthday. So the mom tells the liitle girls to take the guy up stairs and do what he says, and then mom starts dinner. The little girl goes up stairs and the guy starts undressing, but when he takes off his shoes he only has half a foot on one side. The little girl runs down stairs and says mom he's got a foot and a half. The mom says watch this s*** I will be right back.

  28. #28
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    A young man had met a nice young woman. They both liked each other and thought the time was right.

    Both of them got naked and the man lay on top of her. Before pushing his d*ck in he waited. Meanwhile his d*ck was having a conversation with his balls.

    D*ck: OK lads we are going to a party tonight.
    1st Ball: You mean you are.
    D*ick: What do you mean, you’re invited too.
    2nd Ball: Yeh, but you always leave us outside knocking.

  29. #29
    G4R
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    There was a new elementary teacher who was trying to introduce herself to her class on the first day of school in Kansas City.
    "Hi kids, my name is Mrs. Stevens. I just wanted everyone to know, I am a huge Chiefs fan, who in here are Chiefs fans?"
    All the kids except for one raised their hands.
    "What is your name little boy, and why don't you like the Chiefs?"
    "My name is Tommy, and I am a Broncos fan"
    "Why in world are you a Broncos fan?" asked the Teacher
    "Well, my Mom is a Broncos fan, and my Dad is a Broncos fan, so, I am a Broncos fan" said the little boy.
    "Just because your parents are Bronco fans doesn't mean you have to be. What if your Dad was a crack head gun-runner, and your mother was a meth addicted whore? What then?"
    "Well, then it sounds like I would be a Raider fan"

  30. #30
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    What is the definition of GROSS?

    Dreaming you are eating cottage cheese and waking up with your grandmother sitting on your face



    ...

  31. #31
    RangersLTW's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by going4ripped View Post
    There was a new elementary teacher who was trying to introduce herself to her class on the first day of school in Kansas City.
    "Hi kids, my name is Mrs. Stevens. I just wanted everyone to know, I am a huge Chiefs fan, who in here are Chiefs fans?"
    All the kids except for one raised their hands.
    "What is your name little boy, and why don't you like the Chiefs?"
    "My name is Tommy, and I am a Broncos fan"
    "Why in world are you a Broncos fan?" asked the Teacher
    "Well, my Mom is a Broncos fan, and my Dad is a Broncos fan, so, I am a Broncos fan" said the little boy.
    "Just because your parents are Bronco fans doesn't mean you have to be. What if your Dad was a crack head gun-runner, and your mother was a meth addicted whore? What then?"
    "Well, then it sounds like I would be a Raider fan"
    LMAO

  32. #32
    MFT81's Avatar
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    an old man and a young boy go walking into the woods late at night, the boy says to the man, "Gee mister, it sure is scary here at night." and the old man replies "your telling me, I have to walk out of here alone!"

  33. #33
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    Two muffins are baking in the oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "Gee, it sure is HOT in here." the other muffin replies, "Holy SHIT a Talking Muffin!!"

  34. #34
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    Bear is taking a crap in the woods, a rabbit walks by and the bear ask " Hey rabbit have you ever had a problem with s**t sticking to your fur and the rabbit says "no",so the bear picks the rabbit up and wipes his a** with him

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