I need a shrink

**dedic8ed1** · 08-22-2008, 04:49 PM

I'm 28 years old and have made too many mistakes in the past to let go of.It seems as if I'm snake bitten with melancholy remorse for the carelessness I've demonstrated from 17 to 25 I just can't seem to man up and let the past go .Yes I'm 2 weeks into pct,the depression has always been there but the pct has no doubt compounded it.Ambivilent is a good word to describe the way I feel daily,scared to make a decision cause it could be the wrong one,always asking close friends what they think I should do because I just don't make educated decisions on things that can impact the rest of my life,career or a girl I want to talk to,that's a big one.I had a kid with the wrong girl and it's haunted every fiber in my being with cold dripping fear to even do little things like going out for miniscule social events with friends,every one I know is still in the party phase and that's just not me anymore."There's no answer in the bottom of a glass"and if there was I would know.

Bodybuilding has become the safe place for me to hide from the important things in life,going to school,finding a female with a brain,saving money which is pretty much impossible with child support responsibility's and living on my own and trying to keep my fridge stocked up.WTF is my problem am I a paranoid scitzo or just someone who never had the rite quality's of a man instilled within me growing up.I never had a role model growing up,dad was there but never an influence.I spent more time and holidays at my best friends house growing up then I did my own from 10 to 16.I remember my mother calling my friends parents and asking them if I was coming home for Christmas or not.

Cloaked in self loathing misery saddness and fear.I wanna beat this thing without the assistance of my doctor but I don't know how.Help me.

**DSM4Life** · 08-22-2008, 04:51 PM

If you want to shrink, watch this and take notes:

**BITTAPART2** · 08-22-2008, 04:52 PM

Originally Posted by DSM4Life

If you want to shrink, watch this and take notes:

thats gangster bro

PT · 08-22-2008, 04:55 PM

i totally understand what your saying and i have probably made all the mistakes you have made and many, many more. i have done many things that went against what i belived in but i manage to keep that part of my life seperate from my family life. like a cop would say, you cant bring your work home with you or it will destroy everything you love

**Bojangles69** · 08-22-2008, 04:58 PM

Originally Posted by dedic8ed1

I'm 28 years old and have made too many mistakes in the past to let go of.It seems as if I'm snake bitten with melancholy remorse for the carelessness I've demonstrated from 17 to 25 I just can't seem to man up and let the past go .Yes I'm 2 weeks into pct,the depression has always been there but the pct has no doubt compounded it.Ambivilent is a good word to describe the way I feel daily,scared to make a decision cause it could be the wrong one,always asking close friends what they think I should do because I just don't make educated decisions on things that can impact the rest of my life,career or a girl I want to talk to,that's a big one.I had a kid with the wrong girl and it's haunted every fiber in my being with cold dripping fear to even do little things like going out for miniscule social events with friends,every one I know is still in the party phase and that's just not me anymore."There's no answer in the bottom of a glass"and if there was I would know.

Bodybuilding has become the safe place for me to hide from the important things in life,going to school,finding a female with a brain,saving money which is pretty much impossible with child support responsibility's and living on my own and trying to keep my fridge stocked up.WTF is my problem am I a paranoid scitzo or just someone who never had the rite quality's of a man instilled within me growing up.I never had a role model growing up,dad was there but never an influence.I spent more time and holidays at my best friends house growing up then I did my own from 10 to 16.I remember my mother calling my friends parents and asking them if I was coming home for Christmas or not.

Cloaked in self loathing misery saddness and fear.I wanna beat this thing without the assistance of my doctor but I don't know how.Help me.

If you have insurance I'd def recommend a good psychotherapist and even more then that finding a life coach.
If you feel depression has been a part of your life get on some Lexapro and give it a couple of months. What ever you do, do something, and make a HABIT of doing something everyday.

I've been through tonnnnss of shit. Had a break down at some point, finally got the help I needed, and my life has never been better. I won't get into war stories but as long as you stop giving a shit about what people think about your issues, and stop being afraid of them, you'll be more comfortable working on them.
At which point you start realizing how f'd up everyone else is.

**dedic8ed1** · 08-22-2008, 05:04 PM

Originally Posted by Bojangles69

If you have insurance I'd def recommend a good psychotherapist and even more then that finding a life coach.
If you feel depression has been a part of your life get on some Lexapro and give it a couple of months. What ever you do, do something, and make a HABIT of doing something everyday.

I've been through tonnnnss of shit. Had a break down at some point, finally got the help I needed, and my life has never been better. I won't get into war stories but as long as you stop giving a shit about what people think about your issues, and stop being afraid of them, you'll be more comfortable working on them.
At which point you start realizing how f'd up everyone else is.

Very good contribution B. Thank you my fellow NJ brother.I remember reading about your breakdown when you spent some time in a laughing academy,it sounds like you turned it all around congrats bro.Is this path you suggested the same road that got you back on track?

**Jfew44** · 08-22-2008, 05:04 PM

Its the grind brother. I think everyone feels like that from time to time. The key is to fight through it. Concentrate on the things that make you happy. If bodybuilding and keeping your body in great condition is it, then keep at it.

Everyone makes mistakes. I've sure made my share of mine. I can understand drinking to avoid problems. I've been there too. Just as long as you know that there are no answers there you're a step ahead.

As for getting professional help, alot of insurance covers a couple of visits so IMO I'd go if you can. My stepmother was deeply depressed for awhile. She found a good doctor and she's been feeling great for years now without therapy.

Good luck bro, and just keep doing what makes you happy.

**dedic8ed1** · 08-22-2008, 05:07 PM

Originally Posted by PT

i totally understand what your saying and i have probably made all the mistakes you have made and many, many more. i have done many things that went against what i belived in but i manage to keep that part of my life seperate from my family life. like a cop would say, you cant bring your work home with you or it will destroy everything you love

Your rite man your rite,thanks

**Amorphic** · 08-22-2008, 06:32 PM

sorry to hear this bro.

i have total respect for the goals and ambitions you have for yourself and i totally know where you're coming from.

like everyone else said, if you can talk to a psychologist or psychotherapist etc it might do you some good. just remember everything happens for a reason and that the best of us suffer at some point. im rooting for you bro.

**dedic8ed1** · 08-22-2008, 06:50 PM

Originally Posted by Amorphic

sorry to hear this bro.

i have total respect for the goals and ambitions you have for yourself and i totally know where you're coming from.

like everyone else said, if you can talk to a psychologist or psychotherapist etc it might do you some good. just remember everything happens for a reason and that the best of us suffer at some point. im rooting for you bro.

Your a good dude Amorphic I appreciate your support.

**Bojangles69** · 08-22-2008, 06:59 PM

Originally Posted by dedic8ed1

Very good contribution B. Thank you my fellow NJ brother.I remember reading about your breakdown when you spent some time in a laughing academy,it sounds like you turned it all around congrats bro.Is this path you suggested the same road that got you back on track?

Dude honestly YES.

People don't do it because look at the stigma just attached to seeing a therapist.
But what you also may not realize is even when you see a street therapist, you're going into an office 40mins. Leaving, forgetting all the crap you talked about, and coming back 1-2 weeks later and doing the same exact thing.

In the "laughing academy" you get treatment you could never imagine. Several doctors several times a day, social workers, medical evaluations, physicals, they just do EVERYTHING you could imagine to really find out why you're not feeling good, and its amazing to see the improvements people go through.

The only ones who don't improve are the schizos and what not. But a lot of respectable & intelligent people admit themselves and leave feeling great.
Its like 10 years of seeing a shrink in 14 days.

Just remember if things get worse, this is about YOU, noone else, just get your ass up and go sign the admission papers. You'll be glad you did.

**stpete** · 08-22-2008, 07:09 PM

Keep your head up bro. As mentioned, we've all made mistakes and i know some people that would probably vote me as the posterboy. I just try to focus on what i can control today, not what happened in the past. Though i'll never forget.
Glad to hear you're not drowning yourself in alcohol or drugs. That tells me that you're a strong person right there. Too easy to go down that road. Good luck man, you'll be ok.

**JiGGaMaN** · 08-22-2008, 08:53 PM

Been there. 2 years of weekly psychotherapy = nothing. Got a script for ritalin, completely changed my life.

**40plusnewbie** · 08-23-2008, 04:12 AM

Sounds like maybe depression/anxiety and possibly phobic issues as well as dependent personality traits to some degree is also a distinct possibility. That's off the cuff just based on your post.

Shrinks can diagnose, then they basically just hold medication management appointments. They will give you pills to help manage symptoms.

A therapist does talk therapy to help you work past issues in a concrete way. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the big thing nowadays and is frequently recommended in conjunction with medication (or by itself). You can also pick up self help workbooks on CBT. If your up for it you can just browse through a few of them at a large bookstore with a good psychology section to see if you think that kind of thing is for you.

**wascaptain5214** · 08-23-2008, 05:13 AM

gl bro

**Voland** · 08-23-2008, 07:25 AM

I understand you very much. I've been suffering from depressión, anxiety, insomnia, attention deficit due to hiperactivity since I was a kid. I always rejected psykiatric help because I though that nothing or no one could help me. That was a big mistake. Two years ago I had a CNS colapse, i became hipersensitive to light, sounds, couldn't walk due to vertigos and the worstheadackes I ever had, my heart rate was a 110bpm resting...awful. I all wanted was to die. Just to end that pain, the psysical suffering. I tried twice in fact. Failed fortunately. Now I've been in meds and therapy for some years. Best decision I ever took. I started with a lots of pills and now I only take 3. Symptomps, slowly get better. And my psykiatrist assures me ill be great soon.
You will get over this. But you need someone to help you.
As some of the guys on the forum said. Its very, very useful. To set goals. Short term goals. And a daily schedule doing things you enjoy. Anything. You do need to put some efford but it pays off. Find new hobbies or dedicate more time to the ones you have. Don't be affraid to be more selfish, genuinly selfish and take decisions. What makes you happy and worth living? Focus on that. What don't? Erase that from you life. Same with people. Can they bring positive thing to your life? stick to them. They cause more harm than good to you? Get away from them. Find new friends, real friend, with whom you share someting, some affinity. I can tell you you'll get everything back to the right point. Or even better. I can now do thing I never though I could. Like public speaking in front of 3000 people. Never had more confidence. Oh and I totally agree, never ever, give a sheit on what people think about you, specially if you don't know them. Its your life. Your decisions. You'll learn to trust yourself. Because every step you take, you now its and effort and you now you've earned the right to enjoy the results. You'll appreciete life and the little thing more.
Take care, man!

**energizer bunny** · 08-23-2008, 07:49 AM

just like everyone else i can relate in someways to how you are feeling, im 26 and due to bad decisions im living with my granma!!

no need to go into the whole thing this is your thread, but debt, relationships, job choices etc etc i have found myself worse off thn say 5 and 10 years a go... and making a good decision LOL is hard to say the least because i confuse my self and am not confident in the decisions i make.

But head up mate there are people a lot worse off and more fuked up than us!!

My young bro just rang me from afgan ( hes in the army) and he sounded so scared in his voice it hurt me. hes only 20, so a just had a good laugh at myself for being such a *****!

Shit ive

your thread LOL

**dedic8ed1** · 08-23-2008, 08:57 AM

Thanks guys,this really is a great board and whenever were down everyone supports each other.Very happy to be apart of AR.

**Tock** · 08-25-2008, 12:26 AM

Try some of the classic self-help books. You can probably find some used copies of I'm OK you're Ok, and Pulling your own strings. Those two would make excellent starters . . .

Find your local bookstore and peruse the titles in the Self-Help section. Some books you'll find helpful, others less so.

Good luck . . .

**Lenin** · 08-25-2008, 01:46 AM

It sounds like you already have it figured out. You need someone to talk to. I think you are right. Having someone to talk to about your issues other than a friend or someone else you know is extremely valuable. Also, it should not be looked down upon either. I use to think that it was fruity to see a "shrink" but not anymore. You will be surprised about how good you feel when you really spill it all out, everything you cant say to those around you. Im on pct right now too, and youare right, it is a factor, but not all of it. You need more than the gym to hlp you with a few things, and it is a well thought out decision you made. I say good job. This world has too many self rightous people that hold no guilt and see nothing wrong with the ****ed up way they do things or treat others, you are obviusly not one of these people.

**Diary of a Mad-man** · 08-25-2008, 06:54 AM

Originally Posted by dedic8ed1

Thanks guys,this really is a great board and whenever were down everyone supports each other.Very happy to be apart of AR.

Good luck. I feel just like you, but for whatever reason have been to scared to go to a shrink. 28, child support, going crazy, watches anime, wish you could start back at 15 or 16 years old every day, thats me! Good luck. I should work up some balls and go myself.

(by the way, I got Helsing and Helsing Ultimate b/c of your suggestions, thanks)

**Chitown Raider** · 08-26-2008, 01:31 AM

Originally Posted by dedic8ed1

I'm 28 years old and have made too many mistakes in the past to let go of.It seems as if I'm snake bitten with melancholy remorse for the carelessness I've demonstrated from 17 to 25 I just can't seem to man up and let the past go .Yes I'm 2 weeks into pct,the depression has always been there but the pct has no doubt compounded it.Ambivilent is a good word to describe the way I feel daily,scared to make a decision cause it could be the wrong one,always asking close friends what they think I should do because I just don't make educated decisions on things that can impact the rest of my life,career or a girl I want to talk to,that's a big one.I had a kid with the wrong girl and it's haunted every fiber in my being with cold dripping fear to even do little things like going out for miniscule social events with friends,every one I know is still in the party phase and that's just not me anymore."There's no answer in the bottom of a glass"and if there was I would know.

Bodybuilding has become the safe place for me to hide from the important things in life,going to school,finding a female with a brain,saving money which is pretty much impossible with child support responsibility's and living on my own and trying to keep my fridge stocked up.WTF is my problem am I a paranoid scitzo or just someone who never had the rite quality's of a man instilled within me growing up.I never had a role model growing up,dad was there but never an influence.I spent more time and holidays at my best friends house growing up then I did my own from 10 to 16.I remember my mother calling my friends parents and asking them if I was coming home for Christmas or not.

Cloaked in self loathing misery saddness and fear.I wanna beat this thing without the assistance of my doctor but I don't know how.Help me.

It's ok man. It sounds like you have hit a bump in the road. It happens, when we question ourselves. From my personal experience talking to close friends and there are good people on this site to help you out I have been there myself.

**daem** · 08-26-2008, 02:15 AM

Originally Posted by dedic8ed1

I've demonstrated from 17 to 25 I just can't seem to man up and let the past go

Someone much wiser than me once said "This too shall pass".

Remember that every day we get the chance to turn it all around. How infinitely wonderful, yet challenging of a position to be in! We have a finite number of tomorrows, but there is no boundary to love or dreams that govern these days.

Live, learn, love, and give freely.

**TranscriptionFactor** · 08-26-2008, 03:00 AM

Hey, a lot of good stuff in this thread, I agree with so much of the advice above. I have been through ridiculously bad sh*t and I had been unhappy and depressed so long I didn't even know what it meant to be happy or whether I was doing stuff I wanted to do or not. I felt like a prisoner just going through the motions. And I did make the mistake of getting heavy into booze, which I can't stress enough will just make things worse. Well I did get help, and now I feel like I know how to help myself. I understand how you must feel right now. "This too shall pass" very true. If we never felt we did anything that we wouldn't change, well that would be boring. Whatever happened..."it is what is"..and that doesn't mean it has to continue.

Therapy helped a lot for me. I eventually found a good therapist after trying out a few - but the 2nd part of the equation here was that I was desperate to work hard to find answers and put a lot of work into being honest with myself. And medication definitely helps too, it depends on the case of course - but I would just be careful of any psychiatrist who is only about throwing meds at you.

My gf at the time was just exacerbating the problem, being demanding, bossy and cold - because she was afraid, she didn't know how to be any way else, she couldn't understand anything other than I wasn't who she wanted me to be. Well though I don't know if was the right decision, I ended up marrying her and now we have a son, and he's awesome, I will always be his father, just like you will be to yours, but I don't know what's gonna happen with me and her, I have just been getting "well" and finding out what I really need to be happy. I used to be such a masochist, now that I see things from my current perspective I was totally into the self pity. But I now try to remember that I have to take care of myself, and if I don't I can't be any good to anyone else.

Working out has always been a salvation. When I was down I made the mistake of letting that go, also I was drinking and my job was taking up all of my life. Things were just out of proportion - and for what?

In a time of crisis don't isolate yourself, be around good people, stay away from negative influences. And a good book I recommend is "Feeling Good" by David Burns. Its easy to read, makes sense right away and is focused on CBT - cognitive behavioral therapy - which works and works quick. Its about developing new habits of your mind.

Take care.

PT · 08-26-2008, 03:20 AM

Originally Posted by daem

Someone much wiser than me once said "This too shall pass".

Remember that every day we get the chance to turn it all around. How infinitely wonderful, yet challenging of a position to be in! We have a finite number of tomorrows, but there is no boundary to love or dreams that govern these days.

Live, learn, love, and give freely.

great post bro. very, very, very true

**40plusnewbie** · 08-26-2008, 04:12 AM

I see a shrink. I have depression and had a ridiculously horrible childhood. I take an anti depressant and am glad I do. When I was 19 I had a lot of pretty serious issues (bad childhood trauma impacting me at a major transitional life time period-adolescence into adulthood) and was very messed up in the head. I was binge drinking like the worse binge drinker you ever met plus using other things too. In my mind I felt like I needed a shrink but I was afraid if I told him some of the stuff I was thinking I would be locked up (I had violent fantasies against my parents, I knew I wouldn't act on them but was afraid the shrink wouldn't know that) so I kept it all to myself and dealt with it all myself by delving into reading about psychology, family dynamics, social psychiatry, anit-psychiatry, etc in an attempt to sort out my issues...which were very effective but not efficient.

When I was a kid I was brought to a psychologist for 'hitting my sisters' when in actuality we just struggled over the remote control and I would win b/c i was the oldest. One time by accident my sister hit her head on the coffee table and had to get stiches. But on a daily basis I took the worst of it b/c they would kick me and stuff while all I did was try to grab the control from their hands (and was eventually successful). My mom made up the crap about hitting my sisters. When I told the dude what was going on in my house on a daily basis I cried and I wanted him to take me home with him. He ordered that child services come to investigate my house. Well the family had like 2 weeks to prepare so they put my wild alcoholic grandmother in a hotel and cleaned up the house. All the child services ppl did was talk to my mom for like an hour and then before leaving asked me to pull my shirt up to see my back. No strap marks from beatings, no case. 2 weeks later back to the same nightmare. That was the old days, today they would have opened a case on my family for sure.

The hardest lesson I learned, and I'm glad I learned it early, was that no matter how the problems got in me (sick crazy family and lots of abuse as a little kid growing up in a chaotic enviornment with my parents out of control- no feelings of love or protection or understanding or support or safety, constantly feeling afraid and not knowing what to expect next, being the victim of random abuse b/c my parents had issues that had nothing to do with me) that I had to take responsibility for myself and all the problems in me no matter how they got there. Being angry at my parents and angry at the world and feeling like a victim (which I was) was not going to do jack to solve my issues.

That's a tough nut to swallow. Suffering physical, emotional, verbal, etc abuse randomly multiple times on a daily basis from the age of 2 by the ppl put on earth to care for and protect you while your a complete innocent and deserve none of it and you have to put that all aside and say "Oh well, it doesn't really matter what caused it, it's in me now so it's my responsibility to get it out."

I didn't see a psych until my late 20's. Not scary or anything. Dude was cool, understanding, and helpful. Very open to working with me on my terms at my comfort level. Didn't try to force anything on me (I still had stigma attached to taking meds for brain problems).

Now I still see a psych and only see him 1x/ every 6 months to check in with him and get a script. He's cool and doesn't push anything. When they suggest stuff if they sense you don't want it or are not ready for it they don't push it at all (unless your an actual crazy person whose dangerous to the public- as in have an actual plan to harm someone in the immediate future, or suicidal).

But what psychiatrists do is medication management. Their hourly rate is too high for insurance to pay for hourly talk therapy and most are not trained in that anyway. They understand it b/c doctors are smart ppl but they deal with problems on a more broad level, with meds. Hell, all doctors do. Sure they will listen to stuff and give advice but just like other doctors your not getting 1 hour counseling sessions on a regular basis. Insurance just doesn't allow for that luxury so social workers and therapists (who have a lower hourly rate) do that aspect of the work.

Messed up brain chemistry is as real as messed up blood pressure or messed up blood sugar levels or messed up cholestol levels. Meds help. They don't 'cure' it but reduce the symptoms (what you experience as problematic in the case of psychiatry) so I am very pro med now for anyone who is open to it.

There should be no more stigma on meds for brain issues than there is for blood sugar issues. Sure other things will help and I highly encourage everyone to do all those things, as psychiatrists will to if you ask them (and sometimes of their own volition) such as exercise, eating right, sleeping right, having friends, having a good relationship, etc, etc.

Don't make the mistake I did and wait 10 years to go see a psychiatrist. Unless you tell the dude that your going to go hurt someone or have a plan to kill yourself you can walk out mid appt if you like or just not come back and they are not going to do anything to try to force you to come back.

Now I've sorted myself out and work in the field helping other ppl with issues and find pleasure in doing so. It takes courage to admit you have a problem and takes courage to reach out for help. For men, at least for men like me, it's much more natural to keep it all inside and try to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. The problem is, if your brain is kina miswired your not getting the same directions on how to do stuff that people without brain problems get. They don't struggle with the things you do, and for the things they struggle with they struggle a lot less.

**Amorphic** · 08-26-2008, 01:58 PM

Originally Posted by daem

Someone much wiser than me once said "This too shall pass".

Remember that every day we get the chance to turn it all around. How infinitely wonderful, yet challenging of a position to be in! We have a finite number of tomorrows, but there is no boundary to love or dreams that govern these days.

Live, learn, love, and give freely.

i'm going to try to remember that.

thanks for posting that.

**dedic8ed1** · 08-26-2008, 05:34 PM

Originally Posted by Lenin

It sounds like you already have it figured out. You need someone to talk to. I think you are right. Having someone to talk to about your issues other than a friend or someone else you know is extremely valuable. Also, it should not be looked down upon either. I use to think that it was fruity to see a "shrink" but not anymore. You will be surprised about how good you feel when you really spill it all out, everything you cant say to those around you. Im on pct right now too, and youare right, it is a factor, but not all of it. You need more than the gym to hlp you with a few things, and it is a well thought out decision you made. I say good job. This world has too many self rightous people that hold no guilt and see nothing wrong with the ****ed up way they do things or treat others, you are obviusly not one of these people.

Thanks man ,spot on contribution buddy.

**dedic8ed1** · 08-26-2008, 05:36 PM

Originally Posted by Diary of a Mad-man

Good luck. I feel just like you, but for whatever reason have been to scared to go to a shrink. 28, child support, going crazy, watches anime, wish you could start back at 15 or 16 years old every day, thats me! Good luck. I should work up some balls and go myself.

(by the way, I got Helsing and Helsing Ultimate b/c of your suggestions, thanks)

Awesome,I'm still waiting for Hellsing Ultimate #5 to be released.When it does I'll post it.

**dedic8ed1** · 08-26-2008, 05:39 PM

Originally Posted by daem

Someone much wiser than me once said "This too shall pass".

Remember that every day we get the chance to turn it all around. How infinitely wonderful, yet challenging of a position to be in! We have a finite number of tomorrows, but there is no boundary to love or dreams that govern these days.

Live, learn, love, and give freely.

Wow,very inspiritional bro I like it.

**dedic8ed1** · 08-26-2008, 05:50 PM

Originally Posted by 40plusnewbie

I see a shrink. I have depression and had a ridiculously horrible childhood. I take an anti depressant and am glad I do. When I was 19 I had a lot of pretty serious issues (bad childhood trauma impacting me at a major transitional life time period-adolescence into adulthood) and was very messed up in the head. I was binge drinking like the worse binge drinker you ever met plus using other things too. In my mind I felt like I needed a shrink but I was afraid if I told him some of the stuff I was thinking I would be locked up (I had violent fantasies against my parents, I knew I wouldn't act on them but was afraid the shrink wouldn't know that) so I kept it all to myself and dealt with it all myself by delving into reading about psychology, family dynamics, social psychiatry, anit-psychiatry, etc in an attempt to sort out my issues...which were very effective but not efficient.

When I was a kid I was brought to a psychologist for 'hitting my sisters' when in actuality we just struggled over the remote control and I would win b/c i was the oldest. One time by accident my sister hit her head on the coffee table and had to get stiches. But on a daily basis I took the worst of it b/c they would kick me and stuff while all I did was try to grab the control from their hands (and was eventually successful). My mom made up the crap about hitting my sisters. When I told the dude what was going on in my house on a daily basis I cried and I wanted him to take me home with him. He ordered that child services come to investigate my house. Well the family had like 2 weeks to prepare so they put my wild alcoholic grandmother in a hotel and cleaned up the house. All the child services ppl did was talk to my mom for like an hour and then before leaving asked me to pull my shirt up to see my back. No strap marks from beatings, no case. 2 weeks later back to the same nightmare. That was the old days, today they would have opened a case on my family for sure.

The hardest lesson I learned, and I'm glad I learned it early, was that no matter how the problems got in me (sick crazy family and lots of abuse as a little kid growing up in a chaotic enviornment with my parents out of control- no feelings of love or protection or understanding or support or safety, constantly feeling afraid and not knowing what to expect next, being the victim of random abuse b/c my parents had issues that had nothing to do with me) that I had to take responsibility for myself and all the problems in me no matter how they got there. Being angry at my parents and angry at the world and feeling like a victim (which I was) was not going to do jack to solve my issues.

That's a tough nut to swallow. Suffering physical, emotional, verbal, etc abuse randomly multiple times on a daily basis from the age of 2 by the ppl put on earth to care for and protect you while your a complete innocent and deserve none of it and you have to put that all aside and say "Oh well, it doesn't really matter what caused it, it's in me now so it's my responsibility to get it out."

I didn't see a psych until my late 20's. Not scary or anything. Dude was cool, understanding, and helpful. Very open to working with me on my terms at my comfort level. Didn't try to force anything on me (I still had stigma attached to taking meds for brain problems).

Now I still see a psych and only see him 1x/ every 6 months to check in with him and get a script. He's cool and doesn't push anything. When they suggest stuff if they sense you don't want it or are not ready for it they don't push it at all (unless your an actual crazy person whose dangerous to the public- as in have an actual plan to harm someone in the immediate future, or suicidal).

But what psychiatrists do is medication management. Their hourly rate is too high for insurance to pay for hourly talk therapy and most are not trained in that anyway. They understand it b/c doctors are smart ppl but they deal with problems on a more broad level, with meds. Hell, all doctors do. Sure they will listen to stuff and give advice but just like other doctors your not getting 1 hour counseling sessions on a regular basis. Insurance just doesn't allow for that luxury so social workers and therapists (who have a lower hourly rate) do that aspect of the work.

Messed up brain chemistry is as real as messed up blood pressure or messed up blood sugar levels or messed up cholestol levels. Meds help. They don't 'cure' it but reduce the symptoms (what you experience as problematic in the case of psychiatry) so I am very pro med now for anyone who is open to it.

There should be no more stigma on meds for brain issues than there is for blood sugar issues. Sure other things will help and I highly encourage everyone to do all those things, as psychiatrists will to if you ask them (and sometimes of their own volition) such as exercise, eating right, sleeping right, having friends, having a good relationship, etc, etc.

Don't make the mistake I did and wait 10 years to go see a psychiatrist. Unless you tell the dude that your going to go hurt someone or have a plan to kill yourself you can walk out mid appt if you like or just not come back and they are not going to do anything to try to force you to come back.

Now I've sorted myself out and work in the field helping other ppl with issues and find pleasure in doing so. It takes courage to admit you have a problem and takes courage to reach out for help. For men, at least for men like me, it's much more natural to keep it all inside and try to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. The problem is, if your brain is kina miswired your not getting the same directions on how to do stuff that people without brain problems get. They don't struggle with the things you do, and for the things they struggle with they struggle a lot less.

Thanks man,That was helpful on so many levels.Honestly I'm speechess.

**OH REALLY** · 08-26-2008, 06:46 PM

Originally Posted by dedic8ed1

I'm 28 years old and have made too many mistakes in the past to let go of.It seems as if I'm snake bitten with melancholy remorse for the carelessness I've demonstrated from 17 to 25 I just can't seem to man up and let the past go .Yes I'm 2 weeks into pct,the depression has always been there but the pct has no doubt compounded it.Ambivilent is a good word to describe the way I feel daily,scared to make a decision cause it could be the wrong one,always asking close friends what they think I should do because I just don't make educated decisions on things that can impact the rest of my life,career or a girl I want to talk to,that's a big one.I had a kid with the wrong girl and it's haunted every fiber in my being with cold dripping fear to even do little things like going out for miniscule social events with friends,every one I know is still in the party phase and that's just not me anymore."There's no answer in the bottom of a glass"and if there was I would know.

Bodybuilding has become the safe place for me to hide from the important things in life,going to school,finding a female with a brain,saving money which is pretty much impossible with child support responsibility's and living on my own and trying to keep my fridge stocked up.WTF is my problem am I a paranoid scitzo or just someone who never had the rite quality's of a man instilled within me growing up.I never had a role model growing up,dad was there but never an influence.I spent more time and holidays at my best friends house growing up then I did my own from 10 to 16.I remember my mother calling my friends parents and asking them if I was coming home for Christmas or not.

Cloaked in self loathing misery saddness and fear.I wanna beat this thing without the assistance of my doctor but I don't know how.Help me.

think posstive and good will come your way

**OH REALLY** · 08-26-2008, 07:11 PM

If you think you can, you can.
If you think you can’t, you can’t
Either way you are right
Mr. Ford
oh really
And thats not who you are, thats who you were.
Just keep in mind that Change will not happen the way you think it will happen unless dramatic events accelerate thinking.
O.K. BUD

**40plusnewbie** · 08-26-2008, 08:20 PM

Originally Posted by dedic8ed1

Thanks man,That was helpful on so many levels.Honestly I'm speechess.

Glad it was helpful. I'd be interested in knowing how things progress with you on this matter either in this thread or via a pm if you don't follow up posting publicly.

**dedic8ed1** · 08-27-2008, 02:27 PM

Originally Posted by 40plusnewbie

Glad it was helpful. I'd be interested in knowing how things progress with you on this matter either in this thread or via a pm if you don't follow up posting publicly.

You got it,I'm probably not gonna see any one cause funds are tight,but who's arn't?