Confessions of a dirty old man................

[Times Roman]

............so here goes.

I had a girlfriend so ugly one time that I was ashamed to introduce her to my buddies over in Germany. So I kept her in a pup tent over at the rock quary, and would bring her food at night. we lived this way for a week. and when my buddies finally did find out, all I could say after all the taunting and laughing was that she was better than me just slapping the monkey.

anyone beat that?

[Times Roman]

............so here goes.

I had a girlfriend so ugly one time that I was ashamed to introduce her to my buddies over in Germany. So I kept her in a pup tent over at the rock quary, and would bring her food at night. we lived this way for a week. and when my buddies finally did find out, all I could say after all the taunting and laughing was that she was better than me just slapping the monkey.

anyone beat that?

(I still have the pup tent by the way... and NO, the wife refuses to sleep in it!!)

[420daytona]

I banged a fatty and she wanted to meet my friends that were coming over so I threw her clothes out of the 2nd story window from my apartment and told her if she wanted to meet my friends she'd have to do it naked. She ran down, got her clothes and left.

[Times Roman]

I think this post died in committee....?

[Knockout_Power]

I see you're selling your van

[Times Roman]

I see you're selling your van

No! It was ripped off two months ago!! Where did you find it?

[40plusnewbie]

anyone beat that?

I can try.

One night I was smashed at a dive bar, I was alone but I used to go to this bar off and on to get one night stands. This night I was hammered. There was this chick who I wound up sitting down next to (maybe she dragged me to the table) and she started fondling me under the table. At one point she had it out, albeit discreetly and hidden.

Then I think she proposes to go back to her place, I agree. Well the thing about that night that I remember most distinctly is the look on every dude's face in that bar, looking at me with their jaw's dropped, with a look on their face like "OMG, I can't believe this is happening, don't do it!" These guys faces still haunt me to this day.....

As I was walking to the door, I was accompanied by a 300lb. woman in high heals and a full body, skin tight leopard print cat suit/leotard.

We take a cab and go to her place. The Charlestown Projects (city the movie 'the code of silence was made about). This was the late 80's, it was a white people's projects but this place was no joke. Charlestown is famous for producing bank robbers. [Ben Affleck is currently making a movie about this town and a bank robbery, forget the name but I actually got called to audition for the part of the bodyguard of one of the cities main shot callers, He had a floorist shop as a front, I got rear ended the day of my audition for the part of Rusty, his bodyguard and ended up in the ER, sucks]

Anyway we are in her place and she passes out in bed. The next morning we wake up and I am hung over like crazy and she wants to go out and buy some wine. It's also at this point that I see a picture of her husband on the night table by the bed.... a picture of him at his current residence.... standing behind the 14' tall barbed wire fence at Walpole State Prison. Now I'm thinking "if anyone see's me leaving this apartment I am f'ed big time". She gets wine and comes back. Then she wants to get down. I tell her "Don't you remember, we did it twice last night." lol She was like "no we didn't" or something and I kept insisting that we did.

Then I wound up letting her give me head while I was looking through a porno mag so I could get a hard on lol

Just before shooting my load I put the magazine down. She thanked me for putting the magazine down before cumming after she finished swallowing my load. Then I got the hell out of there, fortunately no one saw me leave the apt, I wasn't afraid of being in the projects but that place was notorious for people getting murdered and like even if the mother of the dude getting murdered saw it go down they would keep their mouths shut and street justice would prevail.

[Times Roman]

I can try.

One night I was smashed at a dive bar, I was alone but I used to go to this bar off and on to get one night stands. This night I was hammered. There was this chick who I wound up sitting down next to (maybe she dragged me to the table) and she started fondling me under the table. At one point she had it out, albeit discreetly and hidden.

Then I think she proposes to go back to her place, I agree. Well the thing about that night that I remember most distinctly is the look on every dude's face in that bar, looking at me with their jaw's dropped, with a look on their face like "OMG, I can't believe this is happening, don't do it!" These guys faces still haunt me to this day.....

As I was walking to the door, I was accompanied by a 300lb. woman in high heals and a full body, skin tight leopard print cat suit/leotard.

We take a cab and go to her place. The Charlestown Projects (city the movie 'the code of silence was made about). This was the late 80's, it was a white people's projects but this place was no joke. Charlestown is famous for producing bank robbers. [Ben Affleck is currently making a movie about this town and a bank robbery, forget the name but I actually got called to audition for the part of the bodyguard of one of the cities main shot callers, He had a floorist shop as a front, I got rear ended the day of my audition for the part of Rusty, his bodyguard and ended up in the ER, sucks]

Anyway we are in her place and she passes out in bed. The next morning we wake up and I am hung over like crazy and she wants to go out and buy some wine. It's also at this point that I see a picture of her husband on the night table by the bed.... a picture of him at his current residence.... standing behind the 14' tall barbed wire fence at Walpole State Prison. Now I'm thinking "if anyone see's me leaving this apartment I am f'ed big time". She gets wine and comes back. Then she wants to get down. I tell her "Don't you remember, we did it twice last night." lol She was like "no we didn't" or something and I kept insisting that we did.

Then I wound up letting her give me head while I was looking through a porno mag so I could get a hard on lol

Just before shooting my load I put the magazine down. She thanked me for putting the magazine down before cumming after she finished swallowing my load. Then I got the hell out of there, fortunately no one saw me leave the apt, I wasn't afraid of being in the projects but that place was notorious for people getting murdered and like even if the mother of the dude getting murdered saw it go down they would keep their mouths shut and street justice would prevail.

300+?? Never even close to being with a woman that big!

[cherrydrpepper]

I was young and stupid and trying to hook up online. I meet some dumb b on icq and start chatting. She has a webcam and this is back in like 2001 so it was impressive i guess. I'm watching her on cam im like damn you got some awesome boobs. On the screen.. she looked good im not lying. And she looked like she had a huge rack.

I ask her out and we meet up somewhere. I won't say 300 lbs, but this girl had to be like 250 easy. I had a few drinks and invited her back to my place to watch a movie. I hadn't gotten any in quite some time and figured who has to know. We start messing around and I start playing with her boobs. I've played with all types of boobs; firm small, almost nonexistent, firm medium, fake firm large, jiggly medium jiggly large etc. This girls boobs were so bagged I could use them as a weapon to swing into people like HIYA 30 LB BREAST TO THE FACE BITCH. I don't know whats more ****ed up that or that I like all types of boobs and would probably touch em again.

Anyway things start getting hot and heavy and I go to try to rub her down to get some activity going and she says shes not ready. So I drop her off somewhere and she starts crying and saying something like you aren't going to go out with me you're just using me or something. I try to calm her but its like when we were walking down the street the whole time I felt like everyone was looking at us and it was the most awkward feeling in the world. I felt like the biggest douche for a couple of months after that.

[Knockout_Power]

thank you for ruining boobs completely for me... I didnt have mush interest in them to begin with, but now its non exsistant.

[gixxerboy1]

i was on vacation. I was f'd up. Meet some black girl. Average nothing bad nothing good. We goto her place. We are going at it and i cant finish. Her roomate comes in. Some white trash girl. I start bangin her too. I finally finish and the black girl freaks out. Saying im racist cause i couldnt cum with a black girl

[PC650]

i was on vacation. I was f'd up. Meet some black girl. Average nothing bad nothing good. We goto her place. We are going at it and i cant finish. Her roomate comes in. Some white trash girl. I start bangin her too. I finally finish and the black girl freaks out. Saying im racist cause i couldnt cum with a black girl

nice

[Noles12]

Not a horror story about an ugly girl but definitely one that freaked me out.

So im working at a club as a bouncer and this chick is talking to me. She is with a few friends getting drunk, i think she was like 22. Well she was smoking hot and couldnt have been over 5 foot. This chick is digging me, she has her hands in my pants trying to jack me off while im standing there working.

I tell her i will meet up with her after. Well i do. She is really drunk and comes on to me really sloppy goes straight to sucking me off. Well im looking at this girl and know im gonna break her in half. She goes i dont know if i can take all that. Well i put it in thrust and swear it felt like a had a claw grab my stick. I freak out like what the f&#k was tat. She was like whats wrong. I say something just pinched my sh1t in there. She goes of that just my birth control thing i dont need anymore kids.

Im 19 at the time, and go kids? She says yea i have 4 and im married. Within 2 minutes i have her a$$ out the door. I go to look at my d!ck and see i have a cut running from one side of the tip to the other. It hurt for a week. I was traumatized by that thing. I literally thought there was a little monster in her pu$$y that attacked me.

She decided to come see me at work everynight for the next month. She begged to do it again but there was no way i was going through that again

[Times Roman]

Not a horror story about an ugly girl but definitely one that freaked me out.

So im working at a club as a bouncer and this chick is talking to me. She is with a few friends getting drunk, i think she was like 22. Well she was smoking hot and couldnt have been over 5 foot. This chick is digging me, she has her hands in my pants trying to jack me off while im standing there working.

I tell her i will meet up with her after. Well i do. She is really drunk and comes on to me really sloppy goes straight to sucking me off. Well im looking at this girl and know im gonna break her in half. She goes i dont know if i can take all that. Well i put it in thrust and swear it felt like a had a claw grab my stick. I freak out like what the f&#k was tat. She was like whats wrong. I say something just pinched my sh1t in there. She goes of that just my birth control thing i dont need anymore kids.

Im 19 at the time, and go kids? She says yea i have 4 and im married. Within 2 minutes i have her a$$ out the door. I go to look at my d!ck and see i have a cut running from one side of the tip to the other. It hurt for a week. I was traumatized by that thing. I literally thought there was a little monster in her pu$$y that attacked me.

She decided to come see me at work everynight for the next month. She begged to do it again but there was no way i was going through that again

damn! i guess the birth control thingey DID work!?

[calgarian]

I was young and stupid and trying to hook up online. I meet some dumb b on icq and start chatting. She has a webcam and this is back in like 2001 so it was impressive i guess. I'm watching her on cam im like damn you got some awesome boobs. On the screen.. she looked good im not lying. And she looked like she had a huge rack.

I ask her out and we meet up somewhere. I won't say 300 lbs, but this girl had to be like 250 easy. I had a few drinks and invited her back to my place to watch a movie. I hadn't gotten any in quite some time and figured who has to know. We start messing around and I start playing with her boobs. I've played with all types of boobs; firm small, almost nonexistent, firm medium, fake firm large, jiggly medium jiggly large etc. This girls boobs were so bagged I could use them as a weapon to swing into people like HIYA 30 LB BREAST TO THE FACE BITCH. I don't know whats more ****ed up that or that I like all types of boobs and would probably touch em again.

Anyway things start getting hot and heavy and I go to try to rub her down to get some activity going and she says shes not ready. So I drop her off somewhere and she starts crying and saying something like you aren't going to go out with me you're just using me or something. I try to calm her but its like when we were walking down the street the whole time I felt like everyone was looking at us and it was the most awkward feeling in the world. I felt like the biggest douche for a couple of months after that.

i am at work and i LOL'd mofo

[Times Roman]

Not a horror story about an ugly girl but definitely one that freaked me out.

So im working at a club as a bouncer and this chick is talking to me. She is with a few friends getting drunk, i think she was like 22. Well she was smoking hot and couldnt have been over 5 foot. This chick is digging me, she has her hands in my pants trying to jack me off while im standing there working.

I tell her i will meet up with her after. Well i do. She is really drunk and comes on to me really sloppy goes straight to sucking me off. Well im looking at this girl and know im gonna break her in half. She goes i dont know if i can take all that. Well i put it in thrust and swear it felt like a had a claw grab my stick. I freak out like what the f&#k was tat. She was like whats wrong. I say something just pinched my sh1t in there. She goes of that just my birth control thing i dont need anymore kids.

Im 19 at the time, and go kids? She says yea i have 4 and im married. Within 2 minutes i have her a$$ out the door. I go to look at my d!ck and see i have a cut running from one side of the tip to the other. It hurt for a week. I was traumatized by that thing. I literally thought there was a little monster in her pu$$y that attacked me.

She decided to come see me at work everynight for the next month. She begged to do it again but there was no way i was going through that again

I got one similar to that. I was in Germany and carrying some heavy "partiables". Hanging in the baracks, just showered up, ready to cut some laps at the track, and the CQ comes and gets me, says I have a call (before cell phones). It was my buddy Dave. Evidently, he met these two chics at a bar, and needed me to take one off his hands. So I say sure, we meet at the side gate, and there is this fine one, and this fat one. So I'm thinking you fukker! But surprise surprise! Dave wants the fat one, and I end up getting the fine one. So we go over to these chics house and party down, roomates right? Or so I thought. Dave and his Lady disappear into one of the bedrooms, which leaves me and Robin in the living room. We are going at it pretty heavy, attacking each other, but she wants to go upstairs to her room. So i'm like fuk yeah, right? so up we go, and as we do, in the dark, i thought I see a family pic, not sure, don't care. We go in the room, clothes come off, i turn around for a moment, and there she is in a pic with some dude. i'm like wtf? who's that? and she tells me she's married but not to worry, her hubby is in the field for like two weeks. Let me telll you bro', I'm just a wee bit on the old fashioned side, and that was a buzz kill for me. Finally, after an extreme amount of "motivation" on her part, I'm finally ready for action, and we do it. once in her bed. we dress up, get in her car, and go to the park to be alone. And once there. the next day, i'mlike... Dave! WTF..!! Married!!!???? And he's like yeah, what's the problem? I thought all you dudes from Cali were liberal that way. And besides, it's only Master Seargant XXXXX 's wife! Huh? You mean this dude is in my company too? oh fuk!
Long story short, I saw Robin a few more times (yeah, I'm a dog), but not in the house. Too fukkin weird.

[40plusnewbie]

A long, long, time ago when I was about 19 I was intoxicated and in the city during the daytime, a weekend most likely. Well I meet this avg. looking girl and we start drinking together. Then we wind up going down a closed off off ramp to the old tunnel leading into boston from the south shore. It was barricaded off but you could see the ramp going up to the ground and the ramp was all lit up.

We start getting it on down by the barricades, all these cars driving by are honking their horns and shit lol. Then a car full of like 16 y.o. kids pull over right up pretty close to where we are, they pop their hood and all get out like they are looking at their engine because there is a problem with their car... but their real motive becomes clear very quickly because they are constantly staring at us over their shoulders lol

It weirded me out so we got out of there and I ditched the chick and forget what happened after that.

[40plusnewbie]

Once I picked up this other chick at the same bar I picked up the catsuit fattie at and we went across the street to the Charles River and started humping right behind the bushes. It was like 2am, closing time in Boston. While after a little while I start wondering why the foot traffic is soo friggin heavy at this time of night were we are located. Then I realize there are like 6 dudes who are walking past us in random intervals... going like 25 feet past us and then turning around and walking past us the other way... rinse and repeat. It was pretty messed up. I couldn't get them to stop even by telling them to get the **** out of there.

[Noles12]

Once I picked up this other chick at the same bar I picked up the catsuit fattie at and we went across the street to the Charles River and started humping right behind the bushes. It was like 2am, closing time in Boston. While after a little while I start wondering why the foot traffic is soo friggin heavy at this time of night were we are located. Then I realize there are like 6 dudes who are walking past us in random intervals... going like 25 feet past us and then turning around and walking past us the other way... rinse and repeat. It was pretty messed up. I couldn't get them to stop even by telling them to get the **** out of there.

Haha you always seem to attract an audience. Maybe it has something to do with railing chicks in public

[BJJ]

............so here goes.

I had a girlfriend so ugly one time that I was ashamed to introduce her to my buddies over in Germany. So I kept her in a pup tent over at the rock quary, and would bring her food at night. we lived this way for a week. and when my buddies finally did find out, all I could say after all the taunting and laughing was that she was better than me just slapping the monkey.

anyone beat that?

Amazing.
It can be hardly beaten mostly because she allowed you to act like that.

[cherrydrpepper]

Once I picked up this other chick at the same bar I picked up the catsuit fattie at and we went across the street to the Charles River and started humping right behind the bushes. It was like 2am, closing time in Boston. While after a little while I start wondering why the foot traffic is soo friggin heavy at this time of night were we are located. Then I realize there are like 6 dudes who are walking past us in random intervals... going like 25 feet past us and then turning around and walking past us the other way... rinse and repeat. It was pretty messed up. I couldn't get them to stop even by telling them to get the **** out of there.

Oh god some people have no life like that. One time I was shagging my high school girl in my van. I intentionally park the van wayyyy the f out in a huge parking lot for a shopping complex. The van is a rockin and a few dickface tools come a knockin. Thankfully I had her under a blanket so they couldn't see anything but it was like wtf really? I mean theres porn and strip clubs readily available just get a life toolbags.

[Knockout_Power]

Oh god some people have no life like that. One time I was shagging my high school girl in my van. I intentionally park the van wayyyy the f out in a huge parking lot for a shopping complex. The van is a rockin and a few dickface tools come a knockin. Thankfully I had her under a blanket so they couldn't see anything but it was like wtf really? I mean theres porn and strip clubs readily available just get a life toolbags.

I guess its a good thing you didnt know it was me... I was jerkin it into your gas tank..

[cherrydrpepper]

I guess its a good thing you didnt know it was me... I was jerkin it into your gas tank..

:

[Knockout_Power]

Oh god some people have no life like that. One time I was shagging my high school girl in my van. I intentionally park the van wayyyy the f out in a huge parking lot for a shopping complex. The van is a rockin and a few dickface tools come a knockin. Thankfully I had her under a blanket so they couldn't see anything but it was like wtf really? I mean theres porn and strip clubs readily available just get a life toolbags.

funny how you didnt mention you were 35 while she was in high school... perv.... and of course, it was in a creeper van... did you at least give her candy?

[Nicotine]

[Knockout_Power]

^^^ so true

[Times Roman]

Amazing.
It can be hardly beaten mostly because she allowed you to act like that.

It wasn't like that. She didn't have her own place, didn't want to go home, and the rock quary was kinda nice, more like camping....

chill bro'
this is a dirty old man thread! unwind! =)

[Times Roman]

Once I picked up this other chick at the same bar I picked up the catsuit fattie at and we went across the street to the Charles River and started humping right behind the bushes. It was like 2am, closing time in Boston. While after a little while I start wondering why the foot traffic is soo friggin heavy at this time of night were we are located. Then I realize there are like 6 dudes who are walking past us in random intervals... going like 25 feet past us and then turning around and walking past us the other way... rinse and repeat. It was pretty messed up. I couldn't get them to stop even by telling them to get the **** out of there.

catsuit fatty? the 300lb one? with the BF locked down in the local institution?

[40plusnewbie]

catsuit fatty? the 300lb one? with the BF locked down in the local institution?

I did a catty fatsuit chick but the post u quoted was some other chick I picked up at the same place. With the fattie catsuit I was hammered out of my mind. Cattie fatsuit's husband was in the big house in MA with the big time felons. Prison tat's all over in the pic of him behind the chain link fence. If anyone saw me come out of that apt (or go in) I would have been f'ed big time.

The bushes chick was just a regular chick who agreed to get down by the Charles River behind some bushes.


Then there was the 'complimentary shampoo' chick. She wanted it in the ass, we were in her hotel room, so I had no lube so decided to use the complimentary shampoo. Seemed slippery to me. I guess it burns like hell in your ass hole though hahahahaa I left the shit stained condom under the mattress lol

[Hazard]

i was on vacation. I was f'd up. Meet some black girl. Average nothing bad nothing good. We goto her place. We are going at it and i cant finish. Her roomate comes in. Some white trash girl. I start bangin her too. I finally finish and the black girl freaks out. Saying im racist cause i couldnt cum with a black girl

LMFAO! Priceless......

~Haz~

[Times Roman]

I did a catty fatsuit chick but the post u quoted was some other chick I picked up at the same place. With the fattie catsuit I was hammered out of my mind. Cattie fatsuit's husband was in the big house in MA with the big time felons. Prison tat's all over in the pic of him behind the chain link fence. If anyone saw me come out of that apt (or go in) I would have been f'ed big time.

The bushes chick was just a regular chick who agreed to get down by the Charles River behind some bushes.


Then there was the 'complimentary shampoo' chick. She wanted it in the ass, we were in her hotel room, so I had no lube so decided to use the complimentary shampoo. Seemed slippery to me. I guess it burns like hell in your ass hole though hahahahaa I left the shit stained condom under the mattress lol

Priceless.... I don't know how many shit hotels i've been to while on a run... more than i can count. Now any time I see a condom laying around, I'll think of you. Thanks bro' ya made my day. How the hell am I sposed to eat now?

[Hazard]

I did a catty fatsuit chick but the post u quoted was some other chick I picked up at the same place. With the fattie catsuit I was hammered out of my mind. Cattie fatsuit's husband was in the big house in MA with the big time felons. Prison tat's all over in the pic of him behind the chain link fence. If anyone saw me come out of that apt (or go in) I would have been f'ed big time.

The bushes chick was just a regular chick who agreed to get down by the Charles River behind some bushes.


Then there was the 'complimentary shampoo' chick. She wanted it in the ass, we were in her hotel room, so I had no lube so decided to use the complimentary shampoo. Seemed slippery to me. I guess it burns like hell in your ass hole though hahahahaa I left the shit stained condom under the mattress lol

Damnit man..... you're supposed to use lotion..... not shampoo LOL!

~Haz~

[Knockout_Power]

Damnit man..... you're supposed to use lotion..... not shampoo LOL!

~Haz~

but they said I just had to use the shampoo for 4 days and the bugs would be gone.

[Nooomoto]

Once I picked up some spanish lady from a bar, she didn't know any english and my spanish is limited to ordering food and lines that are more funny than anything else. So we get back to my house, I'm pretty drunk....I go to start ****ing her and she keeps saying "sangri, sangri"...being drunk as shit it didnt register in my head that she was telling me shes on her period.

I figured this out when I got her panties down and there was nasty bloody chunks eveywhere...like HEAVY flow!!! Gross...so I just ****ed her in the ass. Afterwards, she clogged my toilet doing God knows what. I wouldve bitched at her but she wouldnt of understood anyway.

Sigh...

[Knockout_Power]

she keeps saying "sangri, sangri"...being drunk
..

thank god it didnt mean... "WRONG HOLE"

[Times Roman]

Once I picked up some spanish lady from a bar, she didn't know any english and my spanish is limited to ordering food and lines that are more funny than anything else. So we get back to my house, I'm pretty drunk....I go to start ****ing her and she keeps saying "sangri, sangri"...being drunk as shit it didnt register in my head that she was telling me shes on her period.

I figured this out when I got her panties down and there was nasty bloody chunks eveywhere...like HEAVY flow!!! Gross...so I just ****ed her in the ass. Afterwards, she clogged my toilet doing God knows what. I wouldve bitched at her but she wouldnt of understood anyway.

Sigh...

coulda been worse bro'... you coulda been giving her some face when you found out... you would have looked like you won a cherry pie eating contest!!!

[Nooomoto]

coulda been worse bro'... you coulda been giving her some face when you found out... you would have looked like you won a cherry pie eating contest!!!

True. I'm glad I gave up that kind of stuff. I got tired of saying to myself "Why did you do that?"

[40plusnewbie]

Damnit man..... you're supposed to use lotion..... not shampoo LOL!

~Haz~

I was just a pup when I did all these things happened, sometimes I shat on the carpet, what do you expect from a pup?

lol that reminds me of a party I was at once, everyone was trashed, the cops had came and left, some people had slept over/crashed. In the morning someone found a human shit in the kitchen sink and a naked dude laying on the couch with a shit stain dragged across the couch cushin to under his ass hahahhahaa

[cherrydrpepper]

funny how you didnt mention you were 35 while she was in high school... perv.... and of course, it was in a creeper van... did you at least give her candy?

It was your sister in your av

[cherrydrpepper]

I was just a pup when I did all these things happened, sometimes I shat on the carpet, what do you expect from a pup?

lol that reminds me of a party I was at once, everyone was trashed, the cops had came and left, some people had slept over/crashed. In the morning someone found a human shit in the kitchen sink and a naked dude laying on the couch with a shit stain dragged across the couch cushin to under his ass hahahhahaa

Cops are still searching for the shit bandit but are following some leads