Up and down feelings for someone?

[yeahbuddy289]

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 7 years now... shes very good to me and I know she loves and cares about me a lot. We've had some problems in the past but things have been pretty good for the past 3 years. We are looking to move forward with our lives so we purchased a house together. We move in next month and this will be the first time we've lived with each other. Now, I believe shes the one im going to spend my life with and will end up marrying one day. But, I cant help but worry things arent going to work out when we live together. Everyone I have talked to said it can be extremely difficult to adjust to.

I just dont get what it is that makes me feel like she's the love of my life one moment and then the next moment im questioning it. And all day I have been stressing thinking about what a huge failure it will be if we move in to this house and get settled in, only to find its not going to work. Honestly, even the thought of marriage scares me now (it might have something to do with all the divorces in my family) Im nervous about what im going to do about this house if we dont work out I couldnt imagine how difficult it would be if we were married, and I wouldnt even want to think about what if we had kids together.

Basically, Im stressing because im sitting here worried she might not be the one and we have a house together now so that complicates things a little. And im wondering why I feel this way because honestly ill probably read this tomorrow and wonder what I was thinking. I dont know if I sometimes have doubts because I have an issue myself, or its just a clear indicator she really isnt the one. Sorry if this is stupid I just really needed to get it off my chest.

[Fiskevatten]

This is my opinion in it all and it will sound possiby horrible^^
But love is a state of mind that creates a feeling, you can never be sure someone love you, that's why we always seek confirmation in different ways. This goes both ways.
With that said, if you are insecure in yourself, you often analyze what isn't there and build up scenarios that will most likely not happen, or even have happened.
But this will also include strenght, logic and self-awereness, bcus (like in my past case) she can be a horrible bitch, but the "love-filter" denies the bad and focus on the 1% good for various reasons.
E.g. abuse- relationships and so forth.

Now I do not think that that is the case here. I think you are just nervous and the up & downs in a relationship are normal, and necessary in my opinion.
It creates respect, growth in a relationship, better sex, understanding and compromises etc etc...

7 years is a long time. And for some reason, a majority of us guys are freaked out by "permanently bind" with someone. I'd say go for it! If you've lasted 7 years, then you know if it's right or
not in your heart. YES, it will be more fights in the beginning when you live together, that's why a recommend to rent a place together before you buy one.
But I'm sure you guys will make the best of it

Best of luck! /Dr. Phil

[novastepp]

It sounds like cold feet. If she has never given you a reason to doubt her, then don't.

Love is basically a giant leap of faith, that's why it's called, "jumping in".

You will find more about her that you love, and several things that bother you, but people forget that is true about every other person on the planet! No one is perfect, but if at the end of the day you still love her and the good outweighs the annoying then I would assume you will have a happy life.

[GirlyGymRat]

My impression is you are more concerned with the change in your living status. Was the idea to purchasing the house more your or her idea?

[yeahbuddy289]

Wow great responses guys thank you for the support. I'm 26 so I really would like to get out of my parents house... It's definitely time for that. But she was the one who pushed the issue. Every house we went and looked at she wanted to put an offer in on it. We bought a house in a neighborhood and I've always wanted to live in the country with some land. But that's hard to come by around here for a good price so I said screw it lets just put an offer on this house. She's also always asking me about when we are going to get married, which makes me want to do it less lol

[Tigershark]

My impression is you are more concerned with the change in your living status.

I agree. It's always hard to make a change in your life. Especially one this big.
If you have reservations about it not working out then have it written up that you both get equal parts of the house if you're both on the mortgage that is. This way if it doesn't work out either you sell and split or one has to buy the other out.

[BG]

Marriage?

[ghettoboyd]

honestly brother, she has been with you for seven years, you have said you have ED and she is still with you, that's love man at least on her end...haven't the last seven years been good?...you are still with her by choice so im thinking yes...I guess my point is she loves you man, you have already made a commitment with the house so why not enjoy this right now and see how it plays out...relax...

[GirlyGymRat]

If u don't know after 7 years, u should let her go so u can both get on with your lives.

[musclestack]

If u don't know after 7 years, u should let her go so u can both get on with your lives.

^^Agreed.

OP, what is the reason(s) you're unsure about this? As GGR said, if you're having doubts, especially after 7 years, I would end it. If you're unsure now, imagine how you're going to feel 5-10 years from now...if you even last that long? When you first met each other, you both probably had the 'tingles'. It sounds to me like those tingles are starting to fade. Do you honestly think, down the road, those 'tingles' are going to come back around? They won't. Love can grow over time (sometimes), but attraction will not (if you're being honest with yourself), in most cases. Be honest with yourself and make a logical decision. Good luck.

[< <Samson> >]

I'm weird, so my opinion is going to quite dif than most


Usually I go sink or swim, me & my first & current wife moved in together within a week. Me & the current wife, bought a house together after just being together for about 8-10 months.


I say living together is what really teaches you some shit. If, whom ever I am with is not the same as I am - I shouldn't be with em'.



Fvck just buying a house before even living together

[Sfla80]

I'm weird, so my opinion is going to quite dif than most

Usually I go sink or swim, me & my first & current wife moved in together within a week. Me & the current wife, bought a house together after just being together for about 8-10 months.

I say living together is what really teaches you some shit. If, whom ever I am with is not the same as I am - I shouldn't be with em'.

Fvck just buying a house before even living together

Basically agree with this lol.

Wouldn't put it the same way...but living together first is a must.

First wife was very catholic. ...we couldn't live together or even have sex (well we did just Noone knew) or the wedding would be off or just not paid for.

Bought a condo before the wedding which I lived in before the marriage. I would say a little over a year we were divorced. 6 months later condo foreclosed.

Current wife....lived together would say about 2 years before we got married

[Strongblood]

I think you're just over thinking the whole thing brother. It would be good business sense to draw up an agreement between the two of you before marriage regarding the house. With that done, all you really have to worry about is if you can live together.
There's going to be some bumps along the way. But you just have to roll with them. In my opinion so many couples get divorced simply because they can't forgive faults, and respect one another. Good luck brother!

[yeahbuddy289]

Ghettoboyd... When did I say I had ED? Lol. As far as leaving her... I have before. She's given me plenty of reasons to (lying and cheating) but I loved her so much I couldn't walk away and we ended up getting back together... It was rough but things are better now and I do trust her again.
I guess maybe I'm just stressed about moving in with her. I don't really care for her father as he still tries to make a lot of her decisions for her and seems to think he knows everything so I'm worried I'm going to have to deal with that.... Plus this house is only 10 minutes from her parents so I'm sure I'll be seeing him more than I'd like lol

[musclestack]

Ghettoboyd... When did I say I had ED? Lol. As far as leaving her... I have before. She's given me plenty of reasons to (lying and cheating) but I loved her so much I couldn't walk away and we ended up getting back together... It was rough but things are better now and I do trust her again.
I guess maybe I'm just stressed about moving in with her. I don't really care for her father as he still tries to make a lot of her decisions for her and seems to think he knows everything so I'm worried I'm going to have to deal with that.... Plus this house is only 10 minutes from her parents so I'm sure I'll be seeing him more than I'd like lol

This is a HUGE red flag! I was actually going to throw something in my last post about her cheating (because I suspected it), but I didn't want to ruffle any feathers in case I was wrong. I'm busy at work now, but I will post on this later tonight.

[Juced_porkchop]

personally I would get a place rented and live with them for one year THEN consider buying house.

but you are just nervous, just dont make issues out of nothing like many do when they look for issues.
im sure it will be fine. but WORST case scenario you rent out a floor of house or whole house and have an investment.

if its been 7yrs it sounds like a good move. I would have just done the living thing first but that doesnt mean it wont work.
shit my cousin moved in with his wife and before getting married they only knew eachother for less than a year AND never lived together till after married and bought house. and they are doing fine. communication is key and finding balance.
having said that i would not rec saying your worried about it , you will only bring up fears and likely make her also insecure. you have to stay positive and focused. the scenarios your worrying about ARE in your head and not worth letting them dictate or even ruin yourlife when they may not ever happen.
if you are both on the same page then it will work.

[Juced_porkchop]

This is a HUGE red flag! I was actually going to throw something in my last post about her cheating (because I suspected it), but I didn't want to ruffle any feathers in case I was wrong. I'm busy at work now, but I will post on this later tonight.

people CAN learn and grow. they CAN have a "light turn on" in their heads and they can infact become someone that wouldent cheat again. most dont (not gonna sugar coat it) but it can happen. I was in a similar situation and i wont go into how screwed over i was once... but things are not the same, not even close and you can sense it if you are in tune.
dont let her past short comings ruin possibilities to come, but dont forget it either.
I dont know all the details so cant say. but it come a point in life you see cheating is pointless if your are serious about being with someone for life or ever finding the right person. cheating will never end well and will always ruin it all. at best you (or her) doesnt get cause and it rotts at your soul....

if she is aware that these lucky to find a guy that actually wants to be serious ( no offense most men dont on a deep level from my exp) then everything will be fine.

[pitweiler]

This is a HUGE red flag! I was actually going to throw something in my last post about her cheating (because I suspected it), but I didn't want to ruffle any feathers in case I was wrong. I'm busy at work now, but I will post on this later tonight.

I agree. With me I don't tolerate lying and definitely not cheating. It would always be in the back of my mind and it would drive me nuts. I just think if they didn't to me once. I'm not going to give them another chance to do it again. If you want the house if you guys ever broke up, I'd get something in writing. Normally I wouldn't suggest getting something in writing because it would probably cause an argument but you have a good reason.

[yeahbuddy289]

Its just weird.... I should be happy, but im not. When we were broken up all I wanted to do is be with her... Then we get back together and im second guessing it (this cycle repeated itself a few times, we were on and off for almost two years) Maybe the fact im going through PCT has something to do with it. When I was running my cycle I was feeling great about everything... but I doubt it has anything to do with PCT because this is pretty much how I felt pre cycle.

[< <Samson> >]

Tough one man,

Try to rationalize some shit, without jumping into crap.

[yeahbuddy289]

Well what's done is done... Couldn't turn back on it even if I wanted to (think maybe that's what freaks me out... Feeling trapped) all I can do is follow through with it and give it my best. If for some reason it doesn't work out at least there won't be any doubts. It could be worse... We could be married and/or have a kid together.

[lovbyts]

You cant have the good without the bad or ups and downs. That's life. Dont sweat it. It's when the downs far outweigh the ups you need to stat to re think things.

[ghettoboyd]

Ghettoboyd... When did I say I had ED? Lol. As far as leaving her... I have before. She's given me plenty of reasons to (lying and cheating) but I loved her so much I couldn't walk away and we ended up getting back together... It was rough but things are better now and I do trust her again.
I guess maybe I'm just stressed about moving in with her. I don't really care for her father as he still tries to make a lot of her decisions for her and seems to think he knows everything so I'm worried I'm going to have to deal with that.... Plus this house is only 10 minutes from her parents so I'm sure I'll be seeing him more than I'd like lol

i thought I remembered a thread you recently posted stateing you had Ed if I'm wrong I apologize...

[ghettoboyd]

Shit I remember now it was a thread about premature ejaculation...my same comments still apply to that as well..

[novastepp]

Well what's done is done... Couldn't turn back on it even if I wanted to (think maybe that's what freaks me out... Feeling trapped) all I can do is follow through with it and give it my best. If for some reason it doesn't work out at least there won't be any doubts. It could be worse... We could be married and/or have a kid together.

I mean this sincerely, go talk to a therapist. Take care of yourself mentally as well as physically my friend.

[lovbyts]

Well what's done is done... Couldn't turn back on it even if I wanted to (think maybe that's what freaks me out... Feeling trapped) all I can do is follow through with it and give it my best. If for some reason it doesn't work out at least there won't be any doubts. It could be worse... We could be married and/or have a kid together.

Not true, it's never too late to turn back until youre married and even then you can it's just a lot more expensive.

[< <Samson> >]

Not true, it's never too late to turn back until youre married and even then you can it's just a lot more expensive.

Agreed with this and the other above 2 posts

It's life man

Really figure things out before you do something you'll regret later. < This is exactly how my first marriage went, to a T almost. We got a house(for no real reason), but first we got married(because it was the right thing to do).


Looking back at it - wtf was I thinking. Our relationship was over before we got married or got the house :/


Now my way of thinking is quite dif. I look at shit like this - will I regret this later? Am I not seeing the whole picture?

Take it a little further - why do I feel this way? What makes me think like this? What makes me happy & why - ?

With all this semi new found shit, life seems to be going quite a bit better for me. I have been clean longer now than I have in the last 5 years. Me & the wife are better than we have been - ever, since getting together.


And it all comes from - do what makes you right(well, unless you are a full on nut that goes off on hurting others). What's right for me, will most likely make zero sense to someone else & visa versa.

I have grown a lot in the last few years mentally & as I have physically.

GL Man - we all need it

[diesel101]

If there are any doubts do not get married or buy a house!
Lived with my first wife for 2 years before we got married and I did have doubts about marrying her but I thought the marriage would take care of those,it didn't
Divorced after 4 years.
Trust me if any part of you is not 100 percent sure don't do it!

Moved in with my second wife 10 days after we met, married a year later. I had no doubts when we got married.
We've been together 20 years now.

[yeahbuddy289]

I have seen a counselor before but it did not help at all (he has help other members of my family, but I didn't feel like I was getting anything out of it so I stopped). It's just a house I guess... We'll see how it goes... If it doesn't work out we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

[NACH3]

I have seen a counselor before but it did not help at all (he has help other members of my family, but I didn't feel like I was getting anything out of it so I stopped). It's just a house I guess... We'll see how it goes... If it doesn't work out we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Did you truly open up? Shit I've seen many but unless your willing to talk about the bad as well as the good it won't get you anywhere in my experiences...

[Strongblood]

Man I wish I could point you in a direction that would answer all your questions. But it just simply isn't such a place. You've got to follow your heart. The good thing is that you guys have 7 years of experience being together. You're just going to have to base your decisions on that.

[novastepp]

Did you truly open up? Shit I've seen many but unless your willing to talk about the bad as well as the good it won't get you anywhere in my experiences...

This is exactly true. My first 2 sessions with a therapist I wasnt being honest with them or myself. I HAD to make a change and I went into session 3 guns blazing and that was a turning point for me. I was dealing with a loss, but still, that was the day I actually started dealing with it.

It turned my life around and I am forever grateful that I had the courage to accept my feelings and my doubts. If you do not have someone you trust and/or you do not open up, you will not have a beneficial experience. It is difficult to do.

I do wish you the best, and I can understand and empathize that this you are dealing with not 1, but 2, of life's most stressful situations at the same time (house, and marriage).

[< <Samson> >]

You've got to follow your heart.

WTF?! This is a lack of Ai talkin - LoL

Follow your brain man, logic is quite important in life

[yeahbuddy289]

Thanks everyone... Really glad to be a part of this community there are so many great people here... I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond and offer advice.

[Learn1st]

Reading through this I didn't see anywhere that you discussed these feelings and misgivings with her. Are you unable to talk to her about your concerns? It seems this is something that must be resolved together. She needs to be there to reassure you, and you need to trust her enough to tell her you have doubts. If even one of those two things are impossible you are wasting her time, and yours by prolonging this relationship, and hiding from growth, by staying with something just because it is familiar and comfortable. .02

[GirlyGymRat]

Reading through this I didn't see anywhere that you discussed these feelings and misgivings with her. Are you unable to talk to her about your concerns? It seems this is something that must be resolved together. She needs to be there to reassure you, and you need to trust her enough to tell her you have doubts. If even one of those two things are impossible you are wasting her time, and yours by prolonging this relationship, and hiding from growth, hby staying with something just because it is familiar and comfortable. .02

This is really good advice along with a several other members, including luvbytes. :P

Talk to her. Use the approach "I feel this" and "I am feeling" and buying a house together is making me have thought about... And see where this leads. Maybe a counselor is required for couples therapy.

I had a training class a few months ago. Have u ever heard of the Abilene paradox. There's a short vid from mid 50s. Here's a link.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abilene_paradox

[lovbyts]

This is really good advice along with a several other members, including luvbytes. :P

Talk to her. Use the approach "I feel this" and "I am feeling" and buying a house together is making me have thought about... And see where this leads. Maybe a counselor is required for couples therapy.

I had a training class a few months ago. Have u ever heard of the Abilene paradox. There's a short vid from mid 50s. Here's a link.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abilene_paradox

GirlyGymRat

[bsh]

Okay, 1. Don't buy a house with "someone" period... 2. If ur even having a bit of a doubt? Ur not ready to jump into something like this! I was married for 21 years and I have some experience at the whole thing kids and all and I'm here to tell u straight up.... If u have a doubt, Better make sure first before u proceed...

[GirlyGymRat]

GirlyGymRat

[t.m.s.flyers88]

I think that often we like the idea of something. For example: if I get this new house I will be happy. Then when you get saddled with the responsibility, mortgage/insurance/upkeep etc, it is not much fun. Or maybe, our relationship is lacking spark so if we live together we will get that spark back. Or if we have kids it will help us to feel closer.
My buddy, who is 26 coincidentally, is in kinda the same boat. Except add a child.. He is not to happy right now because he wasn't ready. Now I'm not saying that is what will happen with you, far from it. I can't tell anyone how to live. But, I will say this: I see some red flags.. One is cheating in the past. Now we all make mistakes, but once a mirror is cracked no amount of tape and glue will make the crack disappear. Another is that you have not experienced many partners if you have been together for 7 years and are 26. That is a blessing and a curse. You don't want to be peeking over the fence wondering what could have been. But this cuts both ways as you have seemed to have found out while separated in the past.
This is not to sound cold but please know this my younger brother, when you get married or buy a house you are entering a binding contract with a partner. Just like a business.. Now we all want to get swept up in love and romance, and nothing feels better and more comforting than to give love and to have that love reciprocal. But love and money/financial responsibility can be like oil and water. If you add marriage and kids, the plot only thickens. Again I'm not even beginning to tell someone how to live. Only you can decide if you can be happy or at least: content, with your partner. We all must walk our own green mile, great movie by the way Tom Hanks with a Steven King book and same group that made Shawshank Redemption an even better movie. But with all joking and movie talk aside we all must make our own decisions my friend. Just my .02 cents worth and some things I've picked up in 40 years of life experiences. I wish you nothing but the best in your journey...