The ripple of one life

[Obs]

This will be long and get cheesy but I like cheese so deal with it and read it all.

I used to eat amazing meals of my grandmother's, on our 250 acre family farm. It was heaven on earth. Literally every one of their four children and their children attended. That farm was sacred ground as far as we were concerned. We all worked every day for the cause. Sunday was a bare minimal day.

I grew up in the woods on that farm hunting and learning to be a man. Our family was strong, though we fought at times it always washed away.

Christmas time would come and there was no question where the festivities would be held.
This time of year I think about my uncle Mark, a lot. I know everyone in my family who remembers him does.

Mark was a city kid as a child and later moved to the country and met my aunt. My aunt is, was, and always will be one of the most generous and beautiful people I have ever met. Mark was crazy about her and rightfully so.

Mark was on our farm by the age of 17 or so. He was quiet and had transitioned into a cowboy like it was his natural calling. I still see him sitting on his horse "Dusty" in his beat up stetson hat and denim jacket. For some reason when I think of him I think of winter.

He was the physically strongest man on the farm and every young male on the farm looked up to him as a role model. Seeing his orange rusted chevy coming down the drive meant we were about to work and learn something new.

Mark had struggled with depression since he was a young boy, but no one knew at the time.
He had scars across both wrists. He had said that when he was a boy, he had fallen into a glass coffee table that cut his wrists. The two things about his personality that stood out in my memory were his quiet nature and his work ethic, which both seemed as constant as the ground we stood on.

My father and my other uncle absolutely stuck to Mark like brothers, while us younger boys would dive at the chance for a ride along. The three were inseparable.

That farm took every ounce of sweat and blood the men had. My Grandfather oversaw and micromanaged, never seeming to be satisfied. Mark entered that farm as an outsider, but became a staple that literally held it together in an inseperable bloodbound bond.

None of this was clear until the day he left us.


At eleven O'clock one night while sleeping at my grandmothers I woke up to the sound of all the adults in the house crying out and praying at the old farm table, the same table we prayed at every Sunday.

Mark had taken a garden hose and put in in the exhaust pipe of his vehicle, placed the other end into his window, and gone to sleep for the last time.

This is the beginning of the story, not the end...

[Obs]

An individual that has drive and talent, will never understand just how beautiful their life is and how many lives they touch.

My aunt had been fighting a battle none of us knew about for years. Mark was severely depressed and they fought often. We learned after his death that he had once tried to hang himself with his lasso, from the rafters of his porch because he was worried my aunt was conversing with another man in an intimate way. She literally held him up when he kicked the chair out until he finally removed the rope and came to his senses.

He carried immense pain inside, though to this day, no one knows why.

My Aunt carried his burdens and at the time was way too young to be doing so. She told Mark she wanted a divorce and left after she had all she could bear. She saw another man, now in her own depressed state, and when Mark found out...

His stone was cast into the waters of the farm, the family was shaken to its core.

I hold grudges against my Grandfather following this incident, for the way he reacted. He called his own daughter a dirty whore and told her to leave. My other uncle and father split from the farm. My father held grudges against my aunt as well and to this day he won't speak to her.

The farm went straight to hell. My uncle that is still living returned and carried the burdens with his father but the damage was done. The farm was refinanced and buried in $300,000 dollars of debt, ever sinking.

My father in his grudges forbade me from being at my grandparent's. I realize my father lost his best friend. I realize my grandfather had lost a son.
Of the men on the farm, my uncle had kept a level head somewhat, though Mark's death haunted him nightly. Come next christmas, (by this time I was allowed back on the farm) my uncle sat at the table and broke down crying. He was tired as fuck and he missed his brother!

My uncle would call his sister late at night, even years later, and they would cry together.

My uncle held two grudges, one against his father and one against my father, for shunning his sister (my aunt).

The farm fell further behind and was foreclosed upon. My grandfather fell into a mental state.


To this day our family has not reunited. Apologies have not and will not be said. No more dinners around the table, no more inseperable bond, and no new memories being made at Christmas. Pure, true love was turned into a long painful memory.

I have not cried like this since my wife left me. Thinking back on this and typing it out for the first time is very fufilling though.

My point in this, because it has been brought up recently, is that you can't end the pain by taking your life, you can only hand it to many others.

****thank you Marcus for that quote****

One person has so much consequence and power in their actions it can cause a ripple that changes everything in a family, in one instant.

I hope everyone can understand they are loved and just how important they are. I would give anything for one more deer season on that farm with everyone there, or one more Christmas.

If you are depressed get help. Seek it wherever you can because you are Goddamn important.

Merry Christmas my brothers.

David, I just went through a good jouney I needed because of you. I really appreciate it.

Everyone plug along and never give up.

https://youtu.be/IXdNnw99-Ic

[guitarzan]

I haven't read the whole post yet, but it made me think about what David said. He said that he wished he hadn't said anything at one point, but I'm glad he did. I think it took a lot of balls, and may give others the strength to tell their story. It may let them know they are not the only one that has those times, and the more people talk about it, the more it helps. There ain't a mother fucker on this planet that hasn't had those thoughts. I know I have, thanks David for sharing that with us, and trusting us to wanna tell us. We are a family here, although a fucked up one, we still a family. I have friends and family I love, but I can't talk to them about things I can with my brothers on here. You the man David, I'm still gonna kick your ass in this comp, but thanks for having the balls to share your story

[Obs]

Sorry it was so long but it was more for me than anything.

Totally agree Tarzan. No one is a machine. We all hurt and gotta get it out.

[guitarzan]

Yep, gonna read it, just scanning through for now

[kelkel]

A very well written and moving story Obs.

[Obs]

A very well written and moving story Obs.

Thanks, I need an editor.

[kelkel]

Thanks, I need an editor.

No, you did just fine. If it were cleaned up it would not be from your heart.

[diesel101]

I've just seen a whole new side of you Obs.
Well done

[marcus300]

Interesting read Obs

Thanks for posting

[hammerheart]

you can't end the pain by taking your life, you can only hand it to many others.

****thank you Marcus for that quote****

Unfortunately that can be actual motivation for some.

[marcus300]

Unfortunately that can be actual motivation for some.

Passing the pain onto people who love you is a very selfish thing to do, life is precious and if you are carrying pain you need to learn how to move forward and live you life instead of carrying something what is crippling your mind. Easier said than done for people in this situation but learning what tool helps you free your mind will be the first step.

[< <Samson> >]

The #1 prob with many folk, is that they can not express & understand why are they feeling this way. . . First step is admitting you have a problem - most people will not. They hide their feelings(of whatever) until they eat them alive.


In my whole life, I had one person fairly close to me die. I was in 8th grade, it was another fake gang banger such as myself. We were just posers with zero adult guidance.

I seen it on the news before going to school that day. He had a fight with his dad, then a few hours later they found him dead from over use of inhalants.



I didn't know how to feel at the time - him & I weren't very close, but BS'd in class regularly. I guess, he was a bit of role model figure to me at the time - shit, I'd sell my 13 year old soul for the girl he was fvcking.

[Obs]

Passing the pain onto people who love you is a very selfish thing to do, life is precious and if you are carrying pain you need to learn how to move forward and live you life instead of carrying something what is crippling your mind. Easier said than done for people in this situation but learning what tool helps you free your mind will be the first step.

Thank you marcus I appreciate that post.

[Obs]

Unfortunately that can be actual motivation for some.

The thing to learn is to remove people like this from your life, not to remove your life from people like this. This is why it took so much hatred for me to fix myself.

Merry Christmas/Christmas Eve depending on where you are.

[marcus300]

The thing to learn is to remove people like this from your life, not to remove your life from people like this. This is why it took so much hatred for me to fix myself.

Merry Christmas/Christmas Eve depending on where you are.

Obs your 100% right, good man

[Sh0tsf1red]

Thank you for sharing this story

I know it will help many

[hammerheart]

Obs your 100% right, good man

Wisely spoken indeed.

[marcus300]

And a good old bump for obs