Have you been in a long relationship (4+ years)? If so, come on in!

**BigGreen** · 08-07-2003, 01:05 AM

Okay, here is the deal, and i suspect I may catch some crap for this, but whatever...i think i'll explain it in sufficient detail as to avoid my looking like an a-hole.

So, long story short - I've been with my current girlfriend for five years...i got into a few schools comparable to dartmouth, but chose dartmouth to be near her while we finished school. I'm not saying dartmouth was the wrong choice, just that this represents our level of commitment to one another. Currently, however, as I imagine everyone does at some point, I'm having crazy second thoughts about total commitment to this girl. And here's the kicker: i'm not attracted to other chicks in an "i want you in bed" sort of way...not at all. Rather, my desires/attractions are to simply date other girls...i could care less about the physical intensity/presence of these other girls. However, I can't get it out of my head that I want to start "dating" (and only "dating") other girls. I've been with my current for five years, which, given my general age, necessarily excludes my having dated many other girls. As a result (and i'm not trying to justify my behavior here) I almost think I'm doing OUR relationship a disservice if I don't at least see what other girls are like relationship-wise...and NO, i don't expect her to go along with that.

Anyway, I assume that those of you who have been in long-term relationships to the tune of four years or longer have likely done so at the exclusion of multiple relationships in which you figure out exactly what it is you want in a lifelong partner and/or soulmate. Did you experience similar urges? Again, I can't stress enough that this is not a physical cheating urge; i don't want to go out and sleep with a bunch of women, I simply want to get to know multiple females on a dating level (odd as that may sound). I'm worried, especially as people start asking about marriage given we've been together so long, that since she has been my only REAL relationship, my relationship barometer is grossly skewed. I feel that since it's 3:00 am i'm not making any sense. But, any guys my age who have been in a long term relationship (i've essentially been with this girl since I was old enough to vote) likely understand exactly what I'm talking about. I'm really in need of some anecdotal support in the form of "hell yeah I've been there"...or of some wake the hell up you idiot "i was there for a day then realized how foolish that was" advice. either way. Well, I'm off to bed...hopefully this yields something interesting in the AM.

**clockworks** · 08-07-2003, 02:12 AM

Originally Posted by BigGreen

...I'm not saying dartmouth was the wrong choice...

hey, my dad went to dartmouth!! >=P

Originally Posted by BigGreen

I almost think I'm doing OUR relationship a disservice if I don't at least see what other girls are like relationship-wise...

bahaha, we tried to convince strut99gt that for like 5+ years...=)

that is the standard standpoint i have always taken on this topic. i have a friend, lets call him mr x, who was with his gf for 7+ years. she was his first gf (just like your situation). after a long amount of time, mr. x's friends started saying that he needs to experience other things out there before he ends up in the situation of "i married my first gf cuz i was extremely in love with her and we dated for 10 years, but now after 20 years of being together i am beginning to become curious and regretful and its damaging our marriage/family/etc"

dunno, its difficult to say what is right. some people marry their highschool sweethearts and live happily ever after. some marry their highschool sweethearts and things go sour because they decided to experience other things in life >after< they committed to each other. some take some time off from a long relationship and get back together and live happily every after. some take time off from a long relationship and things never go back to the way they were.

i know you're asking for advice from people who've had long relationships. sorry, my longest was 2 years...and it ended NASTY! 2nd longest was 2 months...and that ended in an abortion (sigh, i still regret this one)!! the rest were 1 night or 1 week relationships, or rather "carnal relations"...

-- clocky baby

***BIG TEXAN*** · 08-07-2003, 07:29 AM

Don't let it get you down BG. All I can ask is... do you honestly love this woman? Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with her or someone else? Do you two make each other happy? If you honestly aren't happy and you don't mind losing her, than by all means start dating. I married at a very young age. I had just turned 20, so I did miss out on the dating and partying my early 20's away. But I don't regret it by any means. So BG, you need to sit down and figure out what's going to make you happy and do it.

**Strut99GT** · 08-07-2003, 07:33 AM

That's my cue.

BG, here's the deal. I was with my ex-girlfriend for 7 years, from age 16 - 23. So I obviously didn't have any other dating experience either. I'm in the unique situation now where I've been broken up with said girlfriend for over 6 months now, and I *have* had a bunch of dating experience/gotten action from some other chicks, etc. It's a very strange thing, bro. I'm not entirely convinced it's changed the feelings I had before I broke up with my girlfriend; it's very strange. I suppose if anything, I've been given the opportunity to sit down and think, "okay, this is the list of characteristics that I would really like to have in a girlfriend." And now I can actually go check off the list.

I'm going to try to give some sort of advice on this instead of just rambling, though. I think that if you have any desire whatsoever to date other girls, you must do so, because otherwise it will nag you the rest of your life. Sometimes there are risks that have to be taken, because you can't lead a life that's unfulfilled.

**Strut99GT** · 08-07-2003, 07:39 AM

Man, you had to go bringing this up, didn't you? What a tough decision. I guess I'm "lucky" in a way because *I* didn't make the decision, my ex-girlfriend did (the mega-short summary is that she moved to Brazil). So I was "given" the opportunity to do what you're thinking about doing, and in a strange sort of way, I feel grateful that I've been given that chance, because it takes away any doubt there would have been if we had gotten married.

The problem is, and I know what you're going through, that you're so ridiculously in love that you have doubt, but you can't do anything about it. I felt that at more than a few times in my relationship. "Should I date other people?", or "I'm not very happy with our relationship right now," you keep telling yourself these things, but then as soon as you see your girlfriend smile you get so happy, and you're helpless. Then you think about what would happen if you broke up with her and then you realized you'd made a huge mistake, but she could have found someone else.

It's a tough call, bro. But like I said, if you *really* have the thoughts of wanting to date other people, you should fulfill them. Otherwise, that emptiness will haunt you for the rest of your life (not to sound over-melodramatic or anything

).

**BigGreen** · 08-07-2003, 04:48 PM

Well, these are thoughtful and insightful responses, and, as intelligently composed as they are, they only exacerbate my concerns and indecisiveness. In the past few days, I've just been looking at girls I meet in a whole new light. Two days ago, for example, I met a girl who fits my physical ideals almost perfectly (6'0", athletic, etc)...she was doing deadlifts and cleans and we talked for about an hour on all aspects of training...she was even familiar with westside training!! Then, last night, I met a female friend of a friend, and we talked till about 2:00 in the morning...she speaks four languages, graduated at the top of her class and deferring a PhD program @ yale to teach for a year..not to mention she's hilarious. In the past, these would have been girls about whom I simply would have thought, "these would be cool girls to know". Now, my thinking is more accurately characterized as an "I'd love to date this girl" type of mentality. In fact, these two girls were the first girls I've had extended conversations with (over an hour or so) in which I made a conscious effort not to bring up the fact I have a girlfriend...probably not a good sign.

EDIT: btw, the latter girl (the brilliant one) is a Texas native...PLEASE no one tell big texan, as he'll never let me live that one down!!

**partyboynyc** · 08-07-2003, 05:25 PM

9 1/2 yrs!!!!!!!we just broke up about 6 months ago. 5'9" 110, absolutely beautful. we broke up, never gave it a second thought.life is to short

fast forward to tonight: new girl: 5'11" (live for tall girls, ahhh) thin, beautiful, perfect tan, good career, i could go on...

point being, don't settle and don't worry about the breakup.do what is best for you because women always do what's bext for them, not you in the long run!

kc · 08-07-2003, 06:11 PM

Hey BG...I've been with my guy for almost 9 years. I gotta tell ya, that urge to date other chicks...well it's best serviced in my opinion by doing just that. I dated a bunch of other guys before I started up with my man but he hadn't. After about 3 years he decided he needed to try at least. So, I let him have at it. He dated, he partied, he enjoyed absolute freedom. I cried, pouted and finally got over it. Then he realised what he wanted and hasn't looked back since. I honestly don't think we'd have the relationship we have now or the trust we have now without that time in our past. I know he's with me because he wants to be and he knows I trust him. Can't beat that as far as I'm concerned. Good luck man....if the girl really cares about you she'll find a way to understand this.

**BigGreen** · 08-07-2003, 09:34 PM

wow...two nine year relationship posts in a row! I'm impressed. Well, I'm not in the least sure what I'm going to do about this...we both gave up the hands down best time to be single (college life) so I feel like I'm kicking her in the ass if at the end of that I say "okay, NOW we can see what it's like to date other people". It's a tough one, that's for sure. I don't want to stick it out and absolutely regret the fact that I did when I'm 35 and the dating scene is substantially less interesting (when my Texas scholar is a married tenure-track prof and my little gym chick participating in triathalons with her husband). But, at the same time, what if I find out that what I had was as good as it gets? Why can't this be the easy decision and which pants to wear in the morning be the obscenely difficult one?

**bigol'legs** · 08-07-2003, 09:53 PM

BG do you share the same interests with your present girl-friend? It might be your looking outside the relationship to fill in for something your missing. I noticed you mentioned both women you talked and how long with each women. Do you talk openly with your girl-friend or just "shoot the breeze" for a long period of time. I've been with my wife now for 7 years (3 married) and its kinda been the opposite way for me. I've looked outside for "body". I've never cheated but I have thought about it and have come to realize recently that I have a beatiful wife and 2 kids at home. But the sex has been missing so I was looking else where. There is also the guy factor. "I just want to see if I still have it.". I know when I talk to a girl or try to and I slyly try to "seduce" her its because I wonder if I could. Life is full of stuff thats hard to understand but if a relationship is what your looking for you have to work on it. But being together as long as you have there is obviously something there for you. Try to just overview the years you've been together and the high and low points and see what brings around the highlights. Just trying to help out.

**BigGreen** · 08-07-2003, 10:12 PM

Originally Posted by bigol'legs

Just trying to help out.

I greatly appreciate the input. To be honest, I've always described my girlfriend to my friends (and i know this is a shallow metaphor, but it's the best I can come up with) as a utility player of sorts: she does SOOO much of the things i look for in a female well, but not in an unbelievable way. In other words, she does a little bit of everything. What's missing is I guess what I've seen in these last two girls. The two most important things in my life are the gym and the ability to think deeply and critically about the world around us, which these two girls respectively filled like champs, and, coincidentally, are the two things my current girlfriend most lacks. She's a science teacher and was a bio and chem double major, so she's very pragamatic and would rather analyze data than think abstractly. Additionally, she doesn't mind hitting the gym lightly, but can't understand why someone would bust their ass in one.

I knew right when we met that these two things would eventually wear on me, but i had no idea they'd manifest like this.

**TheMudMan** · 08-08-2003, 04:21 AM

I was 19 when I started dating my ex-wife. We dated for almost 7 years before we married and I had the feelings you have now. I didn't want to sleep with another women but I did want to see what was out there for me.

I wish I did! We got married and as the time went on the urge got stronger but now I wanted to sleep with other women. I never cheated on her but my feelings for her where not what two people being married should have been. I fell out of love with and I became very unhappy.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you're young and you need to see what's out there. I was too young when I met her and I didn't know what I wanted in a relationship then. Now that I'm older, being married before, dating, and have been in more relationships I know what I want. I also know I never loved my ex-wife but I thought I did.

Sorry for rambling it's early so I hope this post made some sence...... Good luck.

***BIG TEXAN*** · 08-08-2003, 07:48 AM

Originally Posted by BigGreen

EDIT: btw, the latter girl (the brilliant one) is a Texas native...PLEASE no one tell big texan, as he'll never let me live that one down!!

HAH!!!! Got ya!

Hey I won't rub it in too much. I would if I was a native Texan, but since I'm just an honorary one I'll let it go.

**Strut99GT** · 08-08-2003, 08:44 AM

Damn straight she's a Texas native!

BG, you need to date other girls. Does that make you less confused now?

**shorty2big** · 08-08-2003, 11:47 AM

I wasted my late teens and early 20's with a girl. I wish I could get that time back. If you are having second thoughts, take that needed break to find out what you really want.
S2B

**nj juice** · 08-08-2003, 03:58 PM

I've been with a girl on/off now for just about 3 years. In the times that we are "on" i tell you it's the best thing in the world, i really love this girl and we have a great time with each other. On the other hand, when we are "off" and i am seeing other girls or just whoring around i am also having a great time.

I'm only 21 but in that short amount of time i've managed to have a serious relationship and also be with a number of other girls as well in the time that my gf and I were not together. Having a gf that you love and who is always there for you is absolutely great but if you have not experienced being single and really having the freedom to do whatever you want than you have really missed out in my opinion. I hope that you have found the advice that you are looking for and good luck.

**FrkyBgStok** · 08-08-2003, 04:24 PM

bro, the way i see it is you are always gonna want different girls. Not better, different. Yes i imagine at times how nice it would be if girl a would come up and ask me to have sex with her because i would show her the best 8 seconds of her life, but if she were to ACTUALLY come over and say that...that i would turn down. It isn't worth it to me to ruin what i have. Will i feel the same way in 10 years? i don't know, but i am not willing to give up on what i have on the CHANCE that i might. to say a guy is not going to look and wonder is stupid. bro, just remember, just because you are on a diet doesn't mean you can't look at the menu.

**nj juice** · 08-08-2003, 06:18 PM

Originally Posted by FrkyBgStok

bro, just remember, just because you are on a diet doesn't mean you can't look at the menu.

I love that, that's fucking hot boy.........

**clockworks** · 08-08-2003, 07:16 PM

Originally Posted by FrkyBgStok

...i would show her the best 8 seconds of her life...

i like your style...=)

-- clocky baby

p.s. good advice, i like that diet/menu thing also...=)

**caturpilar** · 08-08-2003, 07:33 PM

man I have been with the same girl since I was 18 we are now married but its going to the shitters, both of us bitch about not living up our late teens and twenties. I wish I would have not been so committed. I would say soil the oats while you can.

**mfenske** · 08-13-2003, 01:00 PM

I would have to say that I consider myself lucky. I am currently married to a woman whom I have been with for 5 years tomorrow. Each and every day that we are together is better than the last. The keys to my happiness are fairly straightforward. When we met a mutual friend was trying to set me up with her best friend. That went no where. My wife and I hit it off immediately, and proceeded to hang out together all night. I dated her best friend for a while and we continued to hang out and become good friends. As she was to leave for college we both realized that we couldn't be apart, and our relationship was born (still amazes me what Cap'n Morgan can do for ya). I will not BS everyone and say that it's all perfect all the time but for the vast (90% or better) amount of time things are great. Here's what I think you need to find.
1. Similar Interests- My wife and I workout together nearly every morning. We enjoy the same types of movies. Most of the music we like is similar. The more you have the better.
2. Independence- If she can't do anything without you, while kinda sweet, will get old fast.
3. Educational Background- This might be a tough one for the smarter guys here like Big Green, but if she's a HS dropout and you're an Ivy League grad the conversations will run out fast.
4. Intimacy- If she doesn't like to make love, and you do, cheating will easily enter your mind.
5. Personality- Is she fun to be around? Is she outgoing? Are you? Do you enjoy spending time together?

I guess in summation what I am saying is find a girl that likes the things that you do, lets you be you, has something interesting to say, and is just generally a great person. I always tell people that it's like I married a dude, who just happens to be a hot chick. Mark