Deep Down.

***BIG TEXAN*** · 10-19-2003, 04:58 PM

Feelings of anger, frustration, hurt, loneliness, pain, rage. Over whelming feeling of being tired, tired of hurting, tired of being angry, tired of fighting the world, tired fo struggling. Just want to be left alone not othered tired of openming up just to e hurt by those I love. Tired of wanting to hurt certain people. Tired of feeling like a lost ship eing tossed and turned by the storming seas. Tired of feeling worthless. Tired of fearing when the next time I will be hurt tired of being abandoned by those I care for. Tired of friends not coming around tired of working and getting no where. Tired of arguing and trying to explain my actions. Frustrated at the world and damn near everyone in it. Tired of lashing out at those that try to help. Tired of surrendering my dreams for those I love only to be spit upon in the end. Tired of watching the world go by as I sit stuck in the prison I've created. Tired of hiding the pain, tired of hiding the anger. Tired of drowning, tired of not smiling, tired of it all. I'm just tired of the good fight in which I feel as if I'm constantly giving ground instead of gaining. Tired of feeling this way......tired of being tired. My mind feels weak and weighed down from the pressures of my life. I feel as if I will snap at any given moment. I've always lived on that fine line and am slowly watching that line dissapear....just tired.........

**mass junkie** · 10-19-2003, 05:06 PM

I really hate to seen anyone feel as bad as you do...........sure wish i could take your pain away.....brother

**bornbad71** · 10-19-2003, 05:10 PM

Originally Posted by BIG TEXAN

Feelings of anger, frustration, hurt, loneliness, pain, rage. Over whelming feeling of being tired, tired of hurting, tired of being angry, tired of fighting the world, tired fo struggling. Just want to be left alone not othered tired of openming up just to e hurt by those I love. Tired of wanting to hurt certain people. Tired of feeling like a lost ship eing tossed and turned by the storming seas. Tired of feeling worthless. Tired of fearing when the next time I will be hurt tired of being abandoned by those I care for. Tired of friends not coming around tired of working and getting no where. Tired of arguing and trying to explain my actions. Frustrated at the world and damn near everyone in it. Tired of lashing out at those that try to help. Tired of surrendering my dreams for those I love only to be spit upon in the end. Tired of watching the world go by as I sit stuck in the prison I've created. Tired of hiding the pain, tired of hiding the anger. Tired of drowning, tired of not smiling, tired of it all. I'm just tired of the good fight in which I feel as if I'm constantly giving ground instead of gaining. Tired of feeling this way......tired of being tired. My mind feels weak and weighed down from the pressures of my life. I feel as if I will snap at any given moment. I've always lived on that fine line and am slowly watching that line dissapear....just tired.........

BT I know the pain and hurt is deeper than I can imagine...like I said before I have never went thru what u are facing....I do know one thing that your days will not always be so grey....bro pm me there are some things I can tell u just not on here.

**peam** · 10-19-2003, 05:20 PM

come to oregon for a weekend and forget about all that pain....we'll have fun

**Grant** · 10-19-2003, 05:21 PM

Sounds like you hurt like I do....PM me bro, that's tough to endure

**RON** · 10-19-2003, 05:41 PM

Sorry to hear your down bro. Just realize you need to fix the problems now because they don't just go away by them selves. Someday like me, you will wake up one day at 30 and have no idea where half your life went. Or why you waisted it the way you did. My Mom worries about about me cause she can hear the depression in your voice. I'll be alright because I am mentally tough which I'm sure what you tell yourself some days too. But is it ok to settle for just being alright. Take care of yourself bro and don't put it off.

***BIG TEXAN*** · 10-19-2003, 05:59 PM

I juggle the peices of life that have been handed to me only to drop a piece now and than but latley the pieces grow to heavy for me to handle, they've fallen from my grasp and I sit and stare at them lying there, wondering which pieces to pick up and which pieces to leave laying there. All my life it has been this way, just recently as all now know, it has gotten worse.I just sit here tired not knowing what tomorrow will bring. Afraid of what is to come. I am a fighter, always have, just with time a warrior can only indure so much before the scars and wounds of these battles start to take their tole. I grow tired and weary, yet still forcing myself to fight on this battle called life is something I can never give up on. I may not win, but I'll never quit. Sometimes I sit and wonder, why do I keep going, what drives me.... than I think of my two kids, and the love of the gym. I live for competition, competition with myself. I love my kids and must hold on for them. I just sit here lost and confused unknowing of the decisions I wil make in the days to come. All my life I have felt empty, alone, insecure, afraid on the inside but portraying an image of a tough, kid with a good head on his shoulders. Only to go home at night and sit alone and confused. I am good at hiding what is in my heart and thoughts. This is not a rant, but more of a chance of letting all of you inside my world, my head my thoughts. My grandfather used to tell me he could see the darkness inside of me and that he was sorry for passing it on to me because he was as I am now. He told me that I am a soldier looking for a war, looking for another lost soul to help for I know and understand the path they walk. ut for some unknown reason, I can show others the way out, but unable to find my own escape from this cold, dark prison I have built. I sit and watch my children looking for signs of me in them, signs of the darkness and sadness. Thank god I only see laughter and joy. I do see my temper and my stuborness in them but that I am glad they have. I sit here scared of the father I will be having no example of what a father is suposed to be since not having one myself. Life goes on as they say so I force myself to gho on in this madness I call life.

**Juggernaut** · 10-19-2003, 06:44 PM

There is no victory lane T.............there is only you, There are no enemies..............there are no rules.........there's no fair...........and there is no one to say you gave it the good fight. There's only today T............make the most of it...........even when it is the worst day of your life. And don't look back...........make your choices and decisions to the best of your ablities..........and correct the ones that go bad the best you can. After that..........forget about it.

Oh, and stop beating yourself up..........we are always our own worst critic. And no matter how bad you might have it...........................there are plenty of people who would love to be in your shoes.

Who loves ya baby? That's right............Palme! hahahaha

**New GearGuy** · 10-19-2003, 07:08 PM

Sorry for your pain bro , when I get shit on or something bad happens to me I try to think of it as a test of my character and know once it is over I'll be that much stronger . Then I nut up and attack them one by one. Just my $.02

If all else fails get two or three close friend and a thirty pack and chill go hang ou by a lake, river etc... start a fire ,drink and bullshit!! Cheaper than therapy anyway.

good luck , stay strong

***BIG TEXAN*** · 10-19-2003, 07:19 PM

Jugg as always, you're right bro.... just been rough lately and my brain is just fried from dealing with all this crap.

**Da Bull** · 10-19-2003, 07:47 PM

Originally Posted by Juggernaut2148

There is no victory lane T.............there is only you, There are no enemies..............there are no rules.........there's no fair...........and there is no one to say you gave it the good fight. There's only today T............make the most of it...........even when it is the worst day of your life. And don't look back...........make your choices and decisions to the best of your ablities..........and correct the ones that go bad the best you can. After that..........forget about it.

Oh, and stop beating yourself up..........we are always our own worst critic. And no matter how bad you might have it...........................there are plenty of people who would love to be in your shoes.

Who loves ya baby? That's right............Palme! hahahaha

Big T,my bro across the bay said it all for me.I to have had darkness in my life,when I was young I turned to drugs for relief,but the pain worsened,I grew out of that and realized there's more to life.Stay positive bro,your a strong man and all I wish you is peace and happiness,it may not come tomorrow,but it's right around the corner.May the Lord show you comfort.Peace my brother

**rambo** · 10-19-2003, 07:53 PM

Big T i know we don't talk much, but ever since you've got here I've looked up to your resolve, dedication, and sincerity. Sometimes even on a message board, certain people exude honesty. T when you talk about your kids it's obvious just how much you care for them, and because of your concern for how you will eventually raise them...well it's your acknoledgement of shortcomings that prove that you care. When i get into a time when everything is dark around me I always think of what we are all really here for.. our kids. I know that even though it's not the time now, I want to live just to be able to give my children all the things I couldn't have, to be around for them, to show them stability and love. I know you want those same things, Tex. Your children are your gift, a manifestation of everything that's righteous and pure in a world that robs good people of their willpower. You need them as much as they need you. I know things look dismal and bleak, but as many times as it's been that way for me, I suppose i still cling to the fact that good people will get their settlement. Maybe not now, or later, maybe in this life, or the next. You're a genuinely good person Tex, and that's why you struggle with your own humanity. If you weren't to question yourself you wouldn't be half the man you are today. I hope you feel a little better, Tex, we're all rootin for ya.

***BIG TEXAN*** · 10-19-2003, 07:55 PM

Sadly I have little to no faith in my Lord and Savior at the moment. I'm still a bit pissed at him for putting me through this. I am trying to find peace with him but it's not easy.

**Da Bull** · 10-19-2003, 08:03 PM

Bro,felt the same way for years......especially when he took my father a few months back in a car accident,I questioned this to this day.I ask WHY?Why me,what have I done so wrong?

**956Vette** · 10-19-2003, 08:05 PM

Time for a beer and a zanax. Sorry Big T, stay strong!

**TheMudMan** · 10-19-2003, 08:32 PM

Bro........... I hate to see you feel this way. Maybe you should take some time away to be with yourself or with friends or whoever to sort things out and see what you need to do to make yourself feel better again.

This is the way I feel......... I'm only going to live once and I have to make it the best life because no one else will. I've been through tons of really bad BS over the years......... It was so bad the only way I could deal with things was to get drunk and get high and then stay that way...... Well, I hope you start feeling better.

**Grant** · 10-19-2003, 11:36 PM

The Lord will only put you through what you can endure. He knows you can get through this and deep down you do too.

**talon** · 10-20-2003, 12:05 AM

Big T, like your sig say brotha, "when its (your body) is tired rest it" Get away and rest. Take a journey of self gratification. Forget about your problems for a few days. This is step one. You will come back feeling alot better and have a renewed vigour. Trust me. I can even begin to imagine the amoung of pain, agony, distrust, and just overwhelming thoughts you have right now. It sounds like your just thinking and thinking and thinking about things, not giving your mind time to rest. Believe me it needs it. You are a great man, from just know you through a stupid cpu, and I know you are a great father. You love your kids and they love you, thats all that matters. There is alot of important people and things in your life, but brotha, sometimes you need to just think about yourself and for yourself. I know its hard, but I did this and its helped me greatly. I hope that everything works out for you. Believe me what ever breaks you down, will make you stronger.
P.S.-bro, as a very important women in my life told me along time ago, it never hurts to cry....
(if someone leave a clomid remark im kickin ass

)

LORDBLiTZ · 10-20-2003, 12:28 AM

Originally Posted by Grant

The Lord will only put you through what you can endure. He knows you can get through this and deep down you do too.

I agree.

***BIG TEXAN*** · 10-20-2003, 06:32 AM

Thanks guys, I do feel better today, it's just that sometimes it gets to be too much. As for getting away by myself or with friends... yeah... what friends. the only people that talk to me are the people I work with, a few guys while at the gym and ya'll. All my friends ditched me yearsago when I joined the Navy. As for getting away period I wish I could but I can't leave my kids. They cannot be left alone with my wife because of the thoughts she has of hurting them. (She's getting treated for this) also I have the feeling of being responsible in taking care of my wife until she gets better and I'm not sure if she ever will. I find it difficult to give myself priority over others and have always been this way. I see something I want or even need and end up passing it by in order to make sure that my kids or my wife get what they want or what they need. Like I said the wheels are constantly turning and sometimes it gets over baring at times. But hopefully with me getting back in the gym (as soon as my gear shows up) I will start to feel better and feel like I'm alive instead of stuck in a dream like state. Thanks for listening guys. I don't post all this for sympathy or attention..... writing has always been my release and I don't keep a journal any more so I come here and just start tyoing away at the keys. Thanks ya'll.

**cb25** · 10-20-2003, 07:19 AM

Hey T...i think rambo said it best (and talon and everyone else too) - you and i may not personally talk much, but i look up to you and how you've been through so much, yet you're always on here, giving great advice and being there for all of us...

it may not seem like much, but we're always here to listen. i don't think you're doing this to get these sympathy posts from us...if writing helps you, and if venting to us helps, by all means let go. we're here to help you like you've helped us with other stuff...

glad to hear you're feeling better today...all you can do is take things day by day (a little cliche, but it makes sense)...keep at it bro, we're with ya -

***BIG TEXAN*** · 10-20-2003, 07:34 AM

I hear ya... I promised myself notto jump to any hastley desicions and to just take all of this one day at a time.

**AbsolutelyLethal** · 10-20-2003, 08:26 AM

Originally Posted by BIG TEXAN

As for getting away by myself or with friends... yeah... what friends. the only people that talk to me are the people I work with, a few guys while at the gym and ya'll.

First, as everyone has said cannot fathom the amount of pain and suffering you are going through. I, like everyone, am behind you a 100%. You say you dont have many friends in person but it's the world's loss because hundreds of people here online realize and acknowledge how good and valuable you are. As a husband, as a father, and as a friend. I dont think there is any thing else that could be demanded from you.

Originally Posted by BIG TEXAN

As for getting away period I wish I could but I can't leave my kids. They cannot be left alone with my wife because of the thoughts she has of hurting them. (She's getting treated for this) also I have the feeling of being responsible in taking care of my wife until she gets better and I'm not sure if she ever will. I find it difficult to give myself priority over others and have always been this way. I see something I want or even need and end up passing it by in order to make sure that my kids or my wife get what they want or what they need.

Is there no one else that can take of the kids?? No parents on either side? Where are her parents and dont they care about their daughter and grand children?

I applaud you for putting others in front of your own needs but if it "kills" you is it worth it? It is understandable that a parent would do anything for their kids and that marriage is through sickness and poor but one can only take on so much weight on their shoulders before it is unbearable...Will your devout dedication be worth it if they lose you? Your initial words in the beginning of the thread sound like a man on the brink. Losing you might place those that count on you into a simulation similar to yours....

Is it financially possible for you to go to a psychiatrist or psychological? The gym can be therapeutic for some, I think you previously said it is for you, but I wonder if the money spent on AAS could have been used instead on getting professional help for yourself. Yeah the gym makes you feel better but at the end of the day the problems are still simmering inside.

For me personally, when I was going through issues in life, being able to talk to a "neutral" person with professional experience for a couple months helped me out tremendously. You are able to let all the hurt and bad feelings spew out instead of festering inside where the pain grows exponentially....In the end it is up to you to decide how you choose to conquer your demons.

I think if you able to leave your kids with someone and find someone to ensure your wife is okay you need the time off to get your mind in order. To go someone where everything is off your shoulders and you can just unwind. I figure if everyone throws in 5-10 bucks or more, if the person so feels, then we can make it financially feasible for you. You can go to see your REAL friends, your friends of AR whether it be those in the Northwest(Peam and what not), those in Cali (nearly half the board it seems), the Northeast(Party, Big Green, Warrior, Ripsid, etc), or the Southeast (Mass Junkie, Talon, Jugg, etc...). you deserve the time off and NEED it IMO....

Good luck bro!!

***BIG TEXAN*** · 10-20-2003, 08:41 AM

Absolute... thanks bro. I am seeing a therapist as of now and will continue seeing them until I can face it on my own. As for someone watching the kids... well my stepdad... forget it, my mother can watch them for a few hours but she is disabled with a back condition, her parents couldn't give a flying leap about her, me or the kids and I wouldn't trust my kids alone with them for 5 minutes. So as of right now I have no one to take the kids for a couple of days. As far as seeing people from AR, I'm actually planninga trip next year when I have more vacation(already burned it all up this year) and goingto Florida, Oregon and maybe a few other places to meet some of ya'll. Thanks again for the kind words bro.

**tryingtogetbig** · 10-20-2003, 08:51 AM

Focus your energy on the things that provide the most gratifying return. Your kids, the gym, even AR. I know these are the things you take the most pride in, as you should bro. I know right now you don't want to hear "God has a way of making everything alright", but he does. The things in life that we are forced to deal with make us who we all are. You will be (and already are) one of the strongest people I know of. If God didn't have a bigger plan for you, nobody knows what that is right now, he wouldn't be building you up so much. Your kids, your wife, etc need you to be exceptionally stronger than the average person. I know that you will endure. My thoughts are with you bro. Keep your head up.

peace,

ttgb

**mass junkie** · 10-20-2003, 08:51 AM

Originally Posted by BIG TEXAN

Absolute... thanks bro. I am seeing a therapist as of now and will continue seeing them until I can face it on my own. As for someone watching the kids... well my stepdad... forget it, my mother can watch them for a few hours but she is disabled with a back condition, her parents couldn't give a flying leap about her, me or the kids and I wouldn't trust my kids alone with them for 5 minutes. So as of right now I have no one to take the kids for a couple of days. As far as seeing people from AR, I'm actually planninga trip next year when I have more vacation(already burned it all up this year) and goingto Florida, Oregon and maybe a few other places to meet some of ya'll. Thanks again for the kind words bro.

The thing is tex.........Most of us on here are going through similar things with our(their) lives........We totally understand what your going through.........theres been some great advice from the bros on here......

***BIG TEXAN*** · 10-20-2003, 08:58 AM

Mass, I understand that alot of ya'll are facing circumstances close, or worse to mine. I don't feel alone, but at the same time I do. I appreciate all of you, I can and am handling the burden placed upon me. Just sometimes it does get to be a bit much so I come on here and just let it out. Soon I'll be back in the gym and tossing the weights around will REALLY help me. I am taking in the advice given and just need a break to rethink my strategy on what to do. Thanks guys.

**mass junkie** · 10-20-2003, 09:01 AM

Originally Posted by BIG TEXAN

Mass, I understand that alot of ya'll are facing circumstances close, or worse to mine. I don't feel alone, but at the same time I do. I appreciate all of you, I can and am handling the burden placed upon me. Just sometimes it does get to be a bit much so I come on here and just let it out. Soon I'll be back in the gym and tossing the weights around will REALLY help me. I am taking in the advice given and just need a break to rethink my strategy on what to do. Thanks guys.

Thats what your missing...........The weights....the call of the iron jungle...............That'll bring some Serenity in your life...........Weight lifting is great therapy......

**ripsid** · 10-20-2003, 09:35 AM

Big Bro! I just saw this thread and man I hate to hear it! I do, but I also know how you feel!
You feel like it's just you! All alone and noone is gonna help and it seems as if people say "yeah, here you go" but for them just to pull it back and laugh! It's like every time you try to make something right you get smacked in the mouth with wrong! When you look for a sign that things are going to be good you the only thing you hear is the sound of your breathing. It really sucks and when you feel like that you start to stew in it! I know brother I know.... I know I have come into work and just done my job and just sat here stewing and fuming and almost ripped someone head off! I lash out! I show that Red Dego Temper that I was cursed with! And when I see my son do the same... it scares me! but, there is one thing and that's heart bro! I know I believe in the big guy, but I also sometimes believe that he made us and is like it's up to you now... he's not gonna fix it no matter how much praying or anything we do. We would hope he would but that's not how this game is played! And yes it's a game and we don't get a do over.... and like recently for me... I see the road that I took to get here, and how I made alot of stupid decisions... and that if I changed this or that things would be different. But all those dumb decisions have made me the MAN that I am.. I have grown. I grew through a F*ked up marriage to a woman I couldn't stand, but I got 2 beautiful kids out of it. The way I screwed my self back in high school.. all I had to do was kick back and work and I could have gone to college instead of the Navy. Then there's the but... but I grew TONS in the navy! It's a funny road we travel, and T your 26 brother... you're still young enough where you can change things alot before you get to be my soon to be Fossil ass! (34 wtF!... TyranasauruSid, RipTar..etc.)
I know things get tough bro! But when we get put in these situations the truth comes out... who you can trust, who you love, who loves you! And it is truly F*K'd you don't have a model to be a father, but you know what brother...Being the man that you are and teaching your kids the right way makes you a great father! A Father is a man of many hats...teacher/coach/jungle gym/friend/discaplinarian... being a Great Father makes you a GReat man! hardest job in the world...I've said it many times I GOT YOUR BACK BRO! Just let me know!

SID

***BIG TEXAN*** · 10-20-2003, 09:43 AM

SID... you are f'ed up

But you're one hell of a bro!!!!

One of these days I'll be heading towards Jersey to hang with ya. You andme seem to have alot in common brother, and I would love to go hang for a day or so with ya and just get to put a face (no matter how ugly it is) to the voice.

I know you got my back along with many of the other bro's on this board and that is what helps me get through this. Thanks bro.

**TheMudMan** · 10-20-2003, 09:55 AM

Originally Posted by BIG TEXAN

I would love to go hang for a day or so with ya and just get to put a face (no matter how ugly it is) to the voice.

T i've seen the face and it ain't too pretty

....... Just j/k SID...........

***BIG TEXAN*** · 10-20-2003, 10:13 AM

Originally Posted by TheMudMan

T i've seen the face and it ain't too pretty

....... Just j/k SID...........

BWwwwaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Bwwahahahahahaha! Hey Sid....... can you feel the love in the room!?!?!?!

**cooksbrut** · 10-20-2003, 10:36 AM

Oh man I feel for you... I went down the same path about a year ago... it was tough, sad, and depressing.. there is nothing like going into the winter and being depressed. Honestly though I probably would have done something aweful if it wasn't for knowing that my son needed me. Bro... just hang in there.. hopefully you are not having money problems also.. that always adds to the stress of it all... but if you are hang in there it will get better .... even if you don't feel that life will be that much better when things do get better. it will the main thing is to keep doing the right thing... it will work out.. it will work out... no matter how bad things are there will be a silver lining out there somewhere good luck my friend