Any Guys Been in this Significant Other Situation

**BigGreen** · 03-09-2004, 09:17 PM

You're out of school. She is still in school. I'm telling you, I'm about as far from a jealous person as you'll ever meet, but this situation is just about as perfect a breeding ground as you can get to culture a colony chock full 'o jealous thoughts.

I'm very conscious of not taking away from her college experience and make it a point NOT to come up every weekend (or have her come down), among other things...but was up there this weekend for a party her roommates threw and well, it was more than a little obvious that at least two guys running within her circle had a thing for her, and while i trust her to no end (quite literally) I don't trust those little bastards in the least and got the distinct impression that they were not above the stereotypical bordering on rape attempts at drunken touches. Thankfully, as there's no football team at her school, i'm bigger than virtually every guy on her campus and made it politely clear when one of the guys was so bold as to take me aside and say he had a thing for her but could respect she was with me, that if I should get wind of *anything* I didn't like i would run the 45 miles up to his dorm if necessary to sort it out in person.

I trust her, trust our relationship, but **** I don't like the way the situation makes me feel sometimes....i hate feeling at all jealous, but it's a tough one. Anyone else been there? How'd you deal? Did you two sit down and talk about the fact it at least raised some concerns?

**daman1** · 03-09-2004, 09:20 PM

I am a little in between when it comes to jealousy. If they make any advances at her then handle your business. Otherwise, just play it out to make sure you don't hurt them for no reason.

**IronCy** · 03-09-2004, 09:37 PM

Its natural bro, everyone gets those urges....but each one of us handles it differently..I think you are definitely doing the right thing...in the end it will make your relationship stronger.
-Cy

**spywizard** · 03-09-2004, 09:38 PM

Hmmmmmmmmm...........

If you aren't feeling comfortable......... she is the only one that can make you feel more secure......... plain and simple...

If you tell her about your feelings.... (not that yuo don't trust her)... but just an extra call, a suprise.. something..

might be all that you need to feel safe..

works for me............

**steve0** · 03-09-2004, 09:38 PM

lond distance relationships never work, but if it's only 45mins away why dont you just go see her or vis versa, ??? no woman can be faithfull anyway,

**caturpilar** · 03-09-2004, 09:41 PM

That type of situation is always a tough one. It's hard to want to tell them to be careful while implying that you trust her completly. Because then it turns in to a trust issue, which never dies. The last time I was presented with that situation, I did just come out and ask to talk about it. It really wasn't as bad as I thought, in the end we completly trusted each other and it was ok.

This doesn't really help but thats all I got. Good Luck

**BigGreen** · 03-09-2004, 09:41 PM

Originally Posted by spywizard

If you aren't feeling comfortable......... she is the only one that can make you feel more secure......... plain and simple...

This makes a lot of sense. I think the simplest explanation is probably the correct one...i need to let her know that, while not jealous to some insane degree, the fact that she's a good looking girl and has a lot going for her while being surrounded by guys is enough to make me feel uncomfortable at times. Guess I'll bite the bullet on this one and admit it's on my mind.

**BigGreen** · 03-09-2004, 09:45 PM

Originally Posted by caturpilar

That type of situation is always a tough one. It's hard to want to tell them to be careful while implying that you trust her completly.

Yes!!! that's exactly the issue. By bringing it up at all i'm afraid the immediate reaction on her part is "you don't trust me??" Glad to hear "the talk" worked for ya though.

Swellin · 03-09-2004, 10:13 PM

Originally Posted by steve0

lond distance relationships never work, but if it's only 45mins away why dont you just go see her or vis versa, ??? no woman can be faithfull anyway,

You have developed these two theories based on your extensive experience? All 21 years of it?

Just busting your balls a bit, because on both accounts...you are wrong.

BigG, have the talk. you may be acting a bit different, and don't even realize it. This type of thing can cause her to feel different...it spirals...your nightmares become reality. Stop it before it starts.

Have the talk...be careful...knowing that the way in which you approach this will determine how she responds. By that I mean whether or not this turns into an issue of trust.

You two have been together for quite a long time...this should not be that difficult. Be open...be gentle.

Oh yeah, if all else fails...I start fina in a week or so...I'll come help clean house.

**BigGreen** · 03-09-2004, 10:23 PM

Originally Posted by Swellin

You two have been together for quite a long time...this should not be that difficult. Be open...be gentle.

Actually, we haven't. My five year relationship ended near xmas and this girl and i have only been together since new year's or so.

Swellin · 03-09-2004, 10:29 PM

Wellllllllllllllll that is a bit different.

Is this the one we read about before? You finally met her?

**spywizard** · 03-09-2004, 10:33 PM

You aren't going to like this..............

Have you ever read playboy?? the forum???

college is an experience..... don't go up there and act like a dog peeing all over your territory...

she will freak.. maybe............

I still say... you have to tell her how you feel......... if she freaks........ and wants space........ time to move on.........

see i knew you wouldn't like that......... but it's real..........

Originally Posted by BigGreen

Actually, we haven't. My five year relationship ended near xmas and this girl and i have only been together since new year's or so.

**BigGreen** · 03-09-2004, 10:38 PM

Originally Posted by spywizard

I still say... you have to tell her how you feel......... if she freaks........ and wants space........ time to move on.........

see i knew you wouldn't like that......... but it's real..........

NO ,no...i def like that. If someone doesn't understand where i'm coming from, or take the time to try, then i have no problem moving on.

**BigGreen** · 03-09-2004, 10:45 PM

Originally Posted by Swellin

Wellllllllllllllll that is a bit different.

Is this the one we read about before? You finally met her?

Wow...good memory. Yes she is, yes i did and it was during my retirement stages, so i didn't get a chance to tell the board.

**redrock** · 03-09-2004, 11:00 PM

I would be honest with her. I know it might seem that you are telling her you do not trust her. But try to get her to see where you are coming from. If you live in an apt. or house, obviously there is less likely hood of the "party" atmoshpere.

Also, try and use "I" statement. i.e. "I feel worried about you at times." "I don't want you in a dangerous situation."

Do not make it out to seem like you are being selfish and worried about her cheating, show you that you are just looking out for her.

Just my two cents. REDROCK

***BIG TEXAN*** · 03-09-2004, 11:09 PM

BG.... I have discovered the best way to handle a relationship is to be honest..... if you're that worried and concerned than talk to her... just choose your words carefully.

**someday** · 03-09-2004, 11:14 PM

im not in that spot yet but will be in a couple of months.....so you better tell me what you did and how it worked out. I could see myself making an ass out of myself if im not carefull.

**Dude-Man** · 03-09-2004, 11:30 PM

Originally Posted by BIG TEXAN

just choose your words carefully.

Words to live by in any situation involving women. BG, i've been in a "kind of long distance" relationship and it worked out. Coming up on 2 years now. Don't listen to that guy, as someone (swellin?) said, he's definitely wrong on both counts. I'd just tell her that you're worried that those two guys might try to take advantage of her, and she'll be extra careful around them. Also, it might be beneficial to get in with her girl/friends and have them watch out as well. Should help with some of the jealous feelings.

**BigGreen** · 03-09-2004, 11:36 PM

Originally Posted by chrisAdams

Also, it might be beneficial to get in with her girl/friends and have them watch out as well. Should help with some of the jealous feelings.

Fortunately, her two roommates have quickly become good friends of mine in their own right....and yes that does make me feel a hell of a lot better.

**Babyweight** · 03-10-2004, 08:20 AM

Originally Posted by redrock

IAlso, try and use "I" statement. i.e. "I feel worried about you at times." "I don't want you in a dangerous situation."

REDROCK

This is so True! Makes communication much easier. NEVER say "You" do this or "You" do that.

It's your observation and your thoughts and feelings on the situation that YOU are dealing with. To not blame is a great way to go. Otherwise she may feel you are insinuating she's cheating.
One thing I've learned which is one of my most important agreements for myself in life is to "Never Assume".. In anything!
Just my .2 cents.

Babyweight.

Good Luck Big Green

**Animal Cracker** · 03-10-2004, 08:41 AM

Oh, believe me..I had this situation a million times when I was in the Army..I realized it was much worse when I came in the Navy! I too said tha tI didnt trust the people that my 'ol lady was running with..and didnt feel confortable with situations that she and her crew found themselves in..it drove me crazy for a couple of years...until I had a moment of clarity...I moved on to a chick that wasnt in the Army!

**thebob** · 03-10-2004, 11:08 AM

I am in your situation, sorta. My fiance is in college, I am not. The only difference is she commutes and lives with me. I, like you trust her completely, but I don't trust the little pukes that she is around. She doesn't party at her school, but on occation parties with some friends near home.(We live about 20 miles from her school) The difficult part is the fact that there is a 9 year age difference, so first of all, I don't like going out and hanging with most of the people she is around because they are a bunch of little punks. Second, because of my job, I am unable to party with her because of having to work nights. So needless to say, she parties without me. It drives me nuts. The only thing I can do is trust her. I did talk with her and explained how I feel and she understands. She makes it a point to not drink so much that she loses her ability to make correct choices. I also made it VERY clear that I have a zero tolerance policy on cheating, and getting drunk and making a "mistake" is not a valid excuse. She also understands that I will NEVER cheat on her, so for the most part, I am able to control my jealous tendancies. As long as you have trust in place, things can work out. As soon as the trust starts to crumble, watch out because it won't be long before the dam breaks.

**BigGreen** · 03-12-2004, 07:16 PM

Update:

We spent a good deal of time together last night and into this afternoon, and eventually got to talking about this and she was more than cool and more than understanding about the whole thing. Turns out she even had similar insecurities/concerns (though obviously stemming from a slightly different situation as it's not me who's in school while she is not) and, well, the way we were able to handle talking about it without turning it around on one another or taking it as a personal attack/issue did a great deal to reinforce my feeling that not only does this girl have a good head on her shoulders, but we're pretty **** compatible and comfortable with one another. Good stuff.

ttuPrincess · 03-12-2004, 07:21 PM

Good news to hear Big Green! Im happy you sat down and talked ot her about it and it all worked out!

I wish you and her the best of luck!

**Testify** · 03-12-2004, 07:42 PM

Originally Posted by BIG TEXAN

BG.... I have discovered the best way to handle a relationship is to be honest..... if you're that worried and concerned than talk to her... just choose your words carefully.

Amen