MAKE ME LAUGH Contest!

[Blergs]

POM POM POW!

[tlash88]

Here

[Rwy]

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/vR_VhfxAnXU" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

......

[dedicatedbiceps]

These are the funniest ones I have.

[Blergs]

And today I have Robo Kitty and kungfu squirrelman....

[tlash88]

Snowman

[Blergs]

Why I Had to Change Hotels Last Week


Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!
I figured, what the heck, give her a call.

"Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"

"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

[Blergs]

One more:

Mom and Uncle Frank


It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and
he was all scared and he jumped out the back
window into the swimming pool. But he must
have forgot that last week you took out all
the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of
the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause. "Swimming pool? Is
this 854-7039?"

[Blergs]

French Prostitutes
(215)
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

[Blergs]

Crazy Email

A husband and wife were taking a vacation to Miami to unthaw from the cold weather in north dakota. Due to the increase in air travel the couple was forced to take separate flights on separate days.

The husband flew first and when the plane landed and he got checked in he decided to send his wife an email. He didn't notice the he made a spelling error on the email address so it got sent to a widow that had just come back from her husband's funeral.

The widow checked her email because she expected to hear from friends and family. Right after she read the first email she fainted and her son ran into the room and saw his mom then read the screen. The email said: to my dearest wife i have arrived and got checked in, everything is ready for your arrival tomorrow evening at 4:30 can't wait to see you and we ghave some great neighbors.

Your devoted husband.

P.S. It sure is hot down here!

[Mr.Port]

Deaf Man
(136)
An old man hadn't been able to hear for years. He finally went to see a doctor, Who diagnosed his problem and restored his hearing. A month later the man returned for a follow-up.

"Your family must be happy you can hear again," the doctor said.

"Oh, I haven't told my family yet," the man said. "I just sit around and listen to them talk. So far I've changed my will three times!

[papa-g]

So a 16 year old girl who just got her drivers license asks her step-dad if she could you his car. Being the perv that he is he tells her " you know what has to be done before you can have my car". The girl responds by telling him that she has an emergency and that she does not have time to do that for him. The pervert step-dad tells her that if she doesn't "help" him out first that she can't have the keys. Reluctantly the girl begins to satisfy her nasty ass step-father when she suddenly stops and say WTF. This thing tastes like sh!t. !! The step-dad then says with a smile " oh yeah, I forgot, your brother took the car this morning!

I heard this last week from an inmate at the prison I work at. He called it Chomo erotica.

[Blergs]

New Salesman

A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota ."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says "One".

The boss says "Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101, 237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold hi m a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "

[bobjack]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office...but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you... "The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boy friend...so she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 mi nutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...?

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The **stard had all quarters!"

Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before a greeing to it and getting screwed!

[Blergs]

<embed src="http://www.ebaumsworld.com/player.swf" allowScriptAccess="always" flashvars="id1=23255" wmode="opaque" width="567" height="345" allowfullscreen="true"/>

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/23255/

lolol

[Blergs]

<embed src="http://www.ebaumsworld.com/player.swf" allowScriptAccess="always" flashvars="id1=82053777" wmode="opaque" width="567" height="345" allowfullscreen="true"/>
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/82053777/

[Blergs]

My Head, Your Wife
A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness. One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming, "Feels just like my wife's ass."

With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging exec rubbed his hand across his head. "You're right," he said, "it does!"

[Mr.Port]

She's getting the raise!

A Mexican maid asked her boss for a pay increase.
Her boss was anoyed at this and asked, 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase... The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

[Mr.Port]

Construction Worker

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the **** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

[Mr.Port]

Good hair day

One morning a man tells a coworker that her hair smells nice. The woman gets enraged, storms into her supervisors office, and declares shes filing a sexual harassment suit.
Come on,� says the supervisor. Whats wrong with a guy telling you your hair smells nice?�
He’s a ****in' midget!

[Mr.Port]

This one is a bit long but funny:

Lawyer Joke

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'.

The man replied, 'Ontario'.

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario.'

'I know.' the man said 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[lifterjaydawg]

From Gynecologist to Mechanic

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

[lifterjaydawg]

HA!

Happy and Sad

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at
the same time."
She said, "You have a bigger dick than all of your friends."

[lifterjaydawg]

True Story

In my town (Bordon-on-the-Ridiculous) there is a Two for One pub/restaurant which I visited yesterday. I ordered two Steak & Kidney pie meals. Either the volume or the rich gravy played havoc with my bowels, so I dashed to the toilet. Once seated and reasonably comfortable, a man's voice from the next door cubicle says 'Hello!'
'Hello' I replied a little hesitantly.
'How are you?' said the voice.
'Not too bad.' I responded.
'What are you doing this evening?' asked the voice.
'Probably just finish my pint and go home.' I answered.
Then the voice said 'Listen I'm going to have to call you back, there's an idiot answering everything I say!'

[RUI-Products]

Thank you everyone for your submissions. Blergs, tlash88, Mr Port, papa-g, and bobjack you are the winners of a 20% off discount code. You will be receiving your promocodes via PM. Also, everyone else who participated in the threads gets a promocode as well for 5% off.

The store is already marked down 30%. That's big time savings! These codes are only good until the end of the month. So by this Thursday it needs to be used.

Thank you again for all the participation.

Yours,

ar-r

[Blergs]

AWSOME! THANKS!

is this still on though? more funnies?

[papa-g]

Got my promo code. Thanks arr. I love your products and appreciate the savings.

[RUI-Products]

You can keep posting up the funnies but the contest is over. However, the store is still 30% off!