New issue with the wife

**redz** · 05-01-2012, 02:02 PM

So me and the wife have obviously had a rough go as some of you know. Now she has come up with something new that I can no longer hang out with my friends because she doesn`t like them. This includes all my friends that were even at my wedding, I told her that is a deal breaker and will not be happening. She responded that sometimes you have to give up things you care about for something more important. Seriously? I`m trying to make things smooth but I insisted that there is no way I was going to dump my friends. So we sort of moved on from that part of the conversation and things got smooth again but she never really acknowledged what I said about not dumping my friends. So things are a bit better but not really, this feels like a continuous circle that I just can`t fix, I even spent the entire weekend with her and her friends again. My working out is suffering alot now, I was just about to hop on my eliptical and then she wanted to have another talk. It's really starting to take it's toll now.

**JohnnyVegas** · 05-01-2012, 02:05 PM

Feel for ya man.

Are these friends she thinks you go out and get into trouble with? If you want to keep her, maybe you can agree not to go out with them for a while, but don't cut off contact completely. I don't think anyone should be able to ask that.

**RaginCajun** · 05-01-2012, 02:12 PM

after all the other threads, i would like to hear her side of the story. how would she feel if she read those threads?

**redz** · 05-01-2012, 02:47 PM

Are these friends she thinks you go out and get into trouble with?

Some yes some no, even my best man was on her list.

after all the other threads, i would like to hear her side of the story. how would she feel if she read those threads?

I hear ya, but this solution is more outrageous than jsut getting divorced.

**< <Samson> >** · 05-01-2012, 02:59 PM

How long u 2 been together? Not that it matters. . . . .

I was with my x wife for 10+ years, I never ever thought once we would split.

She lost her marbles for about a year, when she came to we were long apart and I had a kid with someone else.

Shit is tough, some thing work in very strange ways. . . . . On the positive note, now I am happier than ever and my GF is beyond amazing compared to my eX.

**FONZY007** · 05-01-2012, 03:02 PM

My girl don't like me hanging out with certain friends due to they contribute and condone me doing dumb things, but she has never told me to befriend them!!

Ouch hope everything turns around...

**Awesome_Archy** · 05-01-2012, 03:05 PM

Ouch, sorry to hear that man. I hope you can find a medium to balance your relationship with your wife and friends.

**Igifuno** · 05-01-2012, 03:18 PM

I can understand her not wanting you to get in trouble, but if its only some of your friends that are like that then that just doesn't sound reasonable.

My wife never said I couldn't hang out per se but I know she prefers certain friends over others (and for good reason, frankly). I'm at the point now where I see her point of view and l, for the most part, I choose to hang with the friends that have their head on straight. Although once and a while I need to get out there and get stupid.

Igi

**awms** · 05-01-2012, 03:40 PM

No offense but I can understand why your wife feels the way she does...It doesn't make her right but you have to look at it from her perspective, you often get your self into trouble when you are out with friends and so she doesn't think you have good friends. Unforchantly you can't have zero friends its just not realistic nor is it realistic for her to demand such a thing...On the other hand you have been a poor husband and you should see this as a sign that she loves you and its a bit of a cry for help IMO.

From the sounds of things you relationship is head one way and that's divorce. From your posts you seem like your just biding your time until an opportunity comes along for you to leave her which if that's the case you shouldn't be in the relationship because its not fair to either of you. If you really want to make the relationship work and she does as well then you both need to work at it! you need to focus on the positive things in your relationship instead of all the things you don't like and then work on the problems together....perhaps you need a third part such as counselling to help you sort out your issues....but Il will tell you for 100% sure! If you have even the slightest thought of divorce then your going to end up single in the end. Just like anything in life you need to be positive, block out the negative, and work hard to get to were you would like your relationship to be! If you wanted be in the best shape of your life you wouldn't half ass it would you? If you wanted a promotion at work you wouldn't give 70% you would give 100%....well a relationship is much the same and if you want it to work and truly in your mind you are positive and put the effort forward then it will....if not then it will end in divorce.

**awms** · 05-01-2012, 03:49 PM

p.s a response that she might have been looking for was "I understand why you feel that way hun, Some of my friends are not looking out for my best interests and I did not know you felt that way. I cant stop hanging out with all my friend nor should I but I do need to be more careful who I hang around and since I know you feel this way I'm going to stop hanging out with the friends who are getting me into trouble, I love you"

See women get emotional sometimes and magnify what they really mean to get their point across.....she knows deep down your not going to drop all your friends but she wanted to be heard and she wanted you to care and from the sound of things you didn't hear her. You have to learn that women don't think like men and when they get super emotional they say things or do things that to us are crazy! but we need to stay calm and be the rock! If you go back to her and say what I just told you I will bet on the fact that not only will you get a good response from her but she will be socked! and touched at the fact that you listened and are willing to work at things instead of fight.

**Times Roman** · 05-01-2012, 03:53 PM

really depends on what type of friends you have. do they compliment you and your relationshnip in a positve manner or are they trying to bait you to do things not conducive to a married person?

**awms** · 05-01-2012, 03:57 PM

Sorry to hog the wall here haha Rather then have these short talks you should make time to sit down and communicate with each other, wright down what both of you want from each other and then be calm and talk about it, wright down whats important to you (working out, time alone ect) and same with her....then agree on times when you can hang out like say "every day we will spend time together at least 1 hour doing nothing but talking about our day or w.e" I do this with my gf who I live with and although its only an hour let me tell you it means a shiitt load to her! and it helps me a lot because she doesn't just throw shiitt at me randomly! some times we just hang out and have fun, other days she comes to me with something shes upset about but its a good way not to loose each other cuz sometimes life just gets busy and if we didn't make time each day we wouldn't spend any time together!

**gearbox** · 05-01-2012, 04:17 PM

If u have friends that are a bad influence in any way, I can see where she is coming from.

**songdog** · 05-01-2012, 04:42 PM

You are judged by the company you keep.So take it from there bro your record is in the basement.And just beacuse you were good for a weekend dont mean shit.You have burnt many a bridge.So walk softly myfriend.

**ironbeck** · 05-01-2012, 04:49 PM

she made a list? sounds like a control freak to me....good luck.

**GetItHot** · 05-01-2012, 04:55 PM

Show her the door. Sounds like she is ready to make ultimatiums, and thats a no-no. If you give in to this, what will she want next? People are always seeing how far they can push it...

**ironbeck** · 05-01-2012, 04:58 PM

Then again there are always 3 sides to every story, your, the other persons and the truth. I don"t know u or her, maybe your a dick and lies and cheats all the time? Only u can answer this question for your own happiness.

**< <Samson> >** · 05-01-2012, 05:32 PM

Originally Posted by ironbeck

Then again there are always 3 sides to every story, your, the other persons and the truth. I don"t know u or her, maybe your a dick and lies and cheats all the time? Only u can answer this question for your own happiness.

All true brotha,

Take some time to figure yourself and your shit out. Easier said then done, I know.

**gixxerboy1** · 05-01-2012, 05:41 PM

I agree with its not right to say you cant have your friends. But i understand her side also. You get into trouble when you are out with them. And you have flirted with her friends infront of her. So she has trust issues with you. You need to earn that back over time. I wouldnt go out with your friends for a while but like said i wouldnt cut them out of your life either. If you love your wife and want to be with her not going out for a while with friends is worth it.
Also you plan on being with her for ever. Friends come and go. Even if they stay, when they get a wife and family everyone drifts apart. You are still friends but you dont hang out as often.

**SnaX** · 05-01-2012, 05:52 PM

I, too, would like to know how long you have been married for, how long you dated before you met, how you met, etc.

There is important balance and important communication and respect within a marriage. "Show her the door" is not the appropriate way to approach this.
One thing to understand, is that some women's ideal marriage and relationship revolves around a lot of 'together' time. As well, there must be an understanding on her part that you need to still maintain and identify with who you are as individual, and vice versa. This is where the communication, balance, and respecting one another is. When talking about these matters with her, reassure her that she is your priority, and that you know that your marriage is something you both share.

As for the not spending time with friends, there is both a logical and illogical point of view to this. To tell your spouse that he/she cannot hang out with their friends or a particular friend way or may not be correct, depending on the character of that friend. As well, such statements may be made from insecurity by a spouse (which you never accuse the other person of, as they take this as a huge put down. Not good in a marriage and should never be done to a spouse)

If your friends are bad (which I cannot say, as I know nothing of the dynamics), then by any common sense standards, why would you hang around with people like that. However if they are decent people, and she makes this claim then there is a different issue from which this concern stems.

So, whatever is going on, that none of us actually know, just take the logical, concerned, respectful approach to the matter. Try to understand both of your point of views, and work from there. Perhaps even lay it out just like that, plain and simple: "Here is what I'm seeing, and I am trying to understand......" and tell her "I'd like to see things from your point of view to get a better understanding"
If you feel she is being unreasonable, as people often are, then let her know, but don't attack her. Keep from getting heated because resolution is short lived in such cases.

One thing I have noticed; "The first fight you have, is going to be the same sort of fight you always have" So this is why you want to know what's going on early on.
It's all about communication. I personally do not believe in divorce, so I always advocate knowing someone well, and being friends long before marriage. Otherwise, if you marry someone you don't really know, then the 'bumps in the road' which you would have had in the dating part of the relationship, is now affecting a marriage which should not have issues.

**frank13** · 05-01-2012, 06:03 PM

she is probably evil I'm thinking most woman are through holy water on her and if she starts to smoke run really fast

**SEOINAGE** · 05-02-2012, 06:36 AM

I hope you realize why she doesn't want you hanging out with your friends. And its because of how you are acting and the situations you are putting yourself in. Fix that and she won't have a problem with your friends. I don't blame her though, I am sure she suspects you are going to mess up and is worried cause she cares about you and your relationship and doesn't want to lose you. And you may think her wanting you to ditch your friends will push you away. But honestly you are the one at fault, gotta find an in between situation where she is confident in your love for her and doesn't need to worry about things.

**calgarian** · 05-02-2012, 07:59 AM

Originally Posted by Igifuno

I can understand her not wanting you to get in trouble, but if its only some of your friends that are like that then that just doesn't sound reasonable.

My wife never said I couldn't hang out per se but I know she prefers certain friends over others (and for good reason, frankly). I'm at the point now where I see her point of view and l, for the most part, I choose to hang with the friends that have their head on straight. Although once and a while I need to get out there and get stupid.

Igi

So AM i on her good list of bad?

**calgarian** · 05-02-2012, 08:00 AM

to the OP.....Does she want you to cut all the contact with all of your friends or just certain ones? if it is just certain ones ask her why if she is talking all of them....yeah she is a nutcase.

**lovbyts** · 05-02-2012, 08:43 AM

Fvckn women. Mine told me straight up she did not want me hanging out, doing favors for or giving rides to my 17/18 year old little bitches as she put it.

I tried to explain there was nothing to worry about but since both of them were smoking hot especially the Asian one she just would not have any of that.

Redz,
In your case it's hard to say one way or another. I think you are probably still a hand full, not wanting to let go of your youth, wild side 100%; None of us because of being afraid of growing old. As said; if your friends are still doing things like most single people do and raising hell or putting themselfs in situations that may get you in trouble you should probably listen to your wife and either stop hanging out with them or modifying what you do. Instead of going out with them invite them over for a BBQ, movie or???

I have a buddy I have been friends with forever. I use to date his sister when he was in Jr. High and we have been friends ever since. We use to go on trips, cruises, bars, movies and girl chasing and worked out 5x a week for 2+ years together. Now we mostly just hang out 1x a week or so to watch movies or do a BBQ.

I know it's hard to give up old friends and old habits but sometimes it's for the best.

**Igifuno** · 05-02-2012, 08:49 AM

Originally Posted by calgarian

So AM i on her good list of bad?

Ya she loves the explicit pictures you send me...

**calgarian** · 05-02-2012, 09:32 AM

Originally Posted by Igifuno

Ya she loves the explicit pictures you send me...

which ones I am drawing a blank....

**SexySweetheart** · 05-02-2012, 01:58 PM

seems to me that she must see your friends as a real threat to your relationship with her, for her to ask them to go away for ever...and if thats the case its only cuz of how you act with them. Even if your friends were immature tools, if you maintained as a dedicated dutyful loving respectful husband ~ she prob wouldn't care how moronic your friends are.

If I remember correctly you were wanting to have a baby, but she was not... if thats rite, you may wanna look at this from the point of her being afraid your not a loyal good judgment making daddy type material that will place your family as #1 priority~ raising a child rite takes serious time dedication and sacrafice.....she may be feeling your comitment level out, gawd knows once a baby comes along = friends move along

anyway you can maintain friendships with having to go out with them or even seeing them, its not like your 20 and your life revolves around getting loaded with your peeps cuz you have zero other priorities and are lonely~ your a husband, building a life with your wife

as far as your work out ~ so what? are you a proffesional needing it to maintain your living or in compititions? if not, let it take the hit its not like you cant just pick it up again and refocus once you have your sh/t strait

best of luck

**JD250** · 05-02-2012, 04:20 PM

Maybe she's been playing twister with your friends and doesn't want you to know or maybe she was partying with all your buddies and you weren't there....I dunno, just thinking outloud.

**big88sub** · 05-02-2012, 05:36 PM

My gr is crazier than yours sounds. I can't have any friends with goo looking or possibly sluty looking gfs. Some friends arent worth the hassle of having if they are a bad influence. Others might keep you on the straight and narrow. You need to sit down and think about who your real friends are. Nobody should ever have to give up all their friends for one person because you can't always talk about the same things to your wife as you can from a friend. You need that outside opinion once in a while. This is something that you need to think about long and hard to decide if you are mature enough to be married. If all you want to do is go to bars or party all the time or go to strip clubs with these so called friends maybe it's just you and your girl isn't all to blame and you aren't mature enough for this kinda relationship.

**spywizard** · 05-02-2012, 08:05 PM

friends are over rated seriously..

friendships take a lot of time that she seems to think you don't or shouldn't be spending..

my wife and i have couples friends.. some single friends but she doesn't put limits on anything I do..

and because of that i don't do stupid shit..

**redz** · 05-03-2012, 11:55 AM

I have been married for almost 5 years I was only 23 when I got married.

Well I have been dealing with more crap, she insisted on having a major talk through text messaging which is about as crappy as it gets. It old her I didn`t want to do that through text yet some how it happened anyways. Basically it went bad as predicted and she kept asking are we done? and I just said whatever. She basically is saying she will leave the house then I said ok maybe we need time apart. After this she did a 180 and called me crying, now she is being nice made me breakfast and lunch today like she used to but it's almost like we are already seperated. This isn`t healthy for either of us at this point.

**abstetic** · 05-03-2012, 11:57 AM

Originally Posted by redz

So me and the wife have obviously had a rough go as some of you know. Now she has come up with something new that I can no longer hang out with my friends because she doesn`t like them. This includes all my friends that were even at my wedding, I told her that is a deal breaker and will not be happening. She responded that sometimes you have to give up things you care about for something more important. Seriously? I`m trying to make things smooth but I insisted that there is no way I was going to dump my friends. So we sort of moved on from that part of the conversation and things got smooth again but she never really acknowledged what I said about not dumping my friends. So things are a bit better but not really, this feels like a continuous circle that I just can`t fix, I even spent the entire weekend with her and her friends again. My working out is suffering alot now, I was just about to hop on my eliptical and then she wanted to have another talk. It's really starting to take it's toll now.

Disregard females aquire dance moved

**redz** · 05-03-2012, 11:59 AM

seems to me that she must see your friends as a real threat to your relationship with her, for her to ask them to go away for ever...and if thats the case its only cuz of how you act with them. Even if your friends were immature tools, if you maintained as a dedicated dutyful loving respectful husband ~ she prob wouldn't care how moronic your friends are.

I told her I have free will and she can`t blame them for me doing stupid stuff.

If I remember correctly you were wanting to have a baby, but she was not... if thats rite, you may wanna look at this from the point of her being afraid your not a loyal good judgment making daddy type material that will place your family as #1 priority~ raising a child rite takes serious time dedication and sacrafice.....she may be feeling your comitment level out, gawd knows once a baby comes along = friends move along

I know I made alot of this mess myself, things were good at one point but not over the last few years. Last vacation we went on to the bahamas she sat and texted people the whole time. We don`t have fun together and every time I`m with her she uses her stupid blackberry.

**tlash88** · 05-03-2012, 03:22 PM

If you two aren't really happy together then why stay with her man? Do you wanna be how you two are for the rest of your life? Cause it sure doesn't sound like it. If you think it won't work then just quit wasting yours and her time

**JD250** · 05-03-2012, 04:10 PM

Just remember bro.....no matter where you go, there you are.

**redz** · 05-03-2012, 04:15 PM

I know... i feel like I am breaking everything that I have built over the last 5 years. This is the hardest things I have ever had to deal with.
.

**awms** · 05-03-2012, 05:03 PM

Wow you guys need help! get some marriage counselling....your wife is crying out to you and clearly loves you and you don't seem to care? You seem like you have just given up on your marriage? let me tell you the grass is always greener on the other side. Think long and hard about what you want! and if you still love your wife you should get some counselling because neither of you seem like you know wtf to do lol

**gearbox** · 05-03-2012, 06:01 PM

you forgot- "the grass is always greener on the other side, BUT still has to be mowed"

**< <Samson> >** · 05-03-2012, 10:50 PM

Originally Posted by redz

I know... i feel like I am breaking everything that I have built over the last 5 years. This is the hardest things I have ever had to deal with.
.

Sounds familiar, very familiar.

From my divorce, I lost my house, my job and had to file a BK. I lost everything but my Camaro which I almost had to live in.

I went on a c^ke binge for a month. Everyone said I will kill myself.

One, day I just stopped - Started lifting and got my shit on track. Started saving $, met my current GF, had a baby boy & bought a house. My life just flipped within 3 years. I feel like I got what I asked for, I could never have kids with my eX because in the last few years shit was just miserable.

You'll pull through, sounds rough - But life will go on.