so...the bf wants me to move in.....but........

**Nicotine** · 06-19-2008, 10:26 AM

i've been with carl now for over 3yrs...coming up to 4...

at the 2yr mark, he was taking care of a friend of his who was dying of aids, and work, and running the union for work - so we took time "apart" as friends so he could focus on his responsbilities...

the break was like 2 months...

so, things have been all well and good...but...

he asked me to move in.

thing is, he lives right downtown toronto - RIGHT smack in the gay village.

i'm not worried about him fooling around at all..but... there is a big meth problem there, constant car breakins, apartments being broken into...and....i don't want to be around that many gays....

i suggested that maybe we should move a little further west. only about 15 mins away or so. the area is nicer, far less crime...

he pretty much said no.

i know his current place is REALLY close to work... the extra distance isnt an issue at all - but he refuses to budge.......plus, what he is paying for a 2 bedroom in that area is insane.

i just don't see the deal with him and not wanting to move. i'd feel weird moving into HIS place, cuz it would never feel like OUR place. and i do not want to live in that area AT ALL.....

ugh....men....

edit: at the same time, im driving to toronto 2-3x a week. 130km each way. spending insane amounts on gas, and putting a LOT of kms on my car.....and he never comes up here..at all...ever...twice in like almost 4yrs....

**StoneGRMI** · 06-19-2008, 10:30 AM

Just telling a story or what? Looks like we know who wears the pants in that relationship.

**TJM7275** · 06-19-2008, 11:00 AM

Well.... If I were you I would stay firm to what you want bro. been in the same situation, with a woman, and after I put my foot down she caved in. Its nice to start fresh with a new place thats both of yours. Is his apartment cheap or over priced?? I would not do it yet man, just sit down and explain the pros and cons

**legobricks** · 06-19-2008, 11:02 AM

Originally Posted by StoneGRMI

Just telling a story or what? Looks like we know who wears the pants in that relationship.

Sounds bout right to me.

You sir are whipped by your BF. Ask DSM, im sure he would give you great input.

**wantmoremass** · 06-19-2008, 11:37 AM

[QUOTE=Nicotine;4039731]

i just don't see the deal with him and not wanting to move. i'd feel weird moving into HIS place, cuz it would never feel like OUR place. and i do not want to live in that area AT ALL.....

edit: at the same time, im driving to toronto 2-3x a week. 130km each way. spending insane amounts on gas, and putting a LOT of kms on my car.....and he never comes up here..at all...ever...twice in like almost 4yrs....[/QUOTE

I think it's definitely easier to start out in a new place together, but you could definitely make his place your own (may take some time). I think the bigger issue is that you don't want to live in that area... sounds like an impass. Also, visited you twice in 4 years? I can tell you that wouldn't do it for me in the 'we're in this together' area - too one-sided. Maybe you should get your own place in the city, so you'll be closer, and try it out.

Where are you in ON Nic?

**Panzerfaust** · 06-19-2008, 11:39 AM

I swear people need counseling on this site...

**inky-e** · 06-19-2008, 11:49 AM

Relationships- 2way- street- give and take - you know the rest.

**B.E.N.** · 06-19-2008, 12:16 PM

Originally Posted by inky-e

Relationships- 2way- street- give and take - you know the rest.

Quite literally in this situation.

**StoneGRMI** · 06-19-2008, 12:19 PM

Originally Posted by muriloninja

I swear people need counseling on this site...

Agreed. Too many relationship advice threads.

***Admin*** · 06-19-2008, 02:36 PM

would appear this is a very one sided relationship... unless it is truely that he has been to busy to be able to come out of "his" safety net to visit you... which it sounds like may be the problem about moving is that he feels safe where he is and moving he will be out of his comfortzone (you stated he is right in the middle of gay area) maybe he feels that he would be judged in a different area or doesnt think he could handle it.... as it seems he doesnt want to be disrupted at all... his life would stay the same while yours would be totally changed... you may want to talk over the issues as to the "WHY" he doesnt want to move... and work on that then you can work on where to continue the relationship....

**calgarian** · 06-19-2008, 02:40 PM

Wow admin replied......Man u r lucky

**Nicotine** · 06-19-2008, 02:46 PM

somebody likes me :P

his apartment is over priced. $1600 a MONTH for a shit 2 bedroom apt. and the building is full of theives and fags.

we get along wicked..but.... it seems a bit one sided lately... especially now with this issue.

edit: thanks for the reply admin.

it's costing me around $400-ish in gas a month to visit him as much as i do. my car (not the current one) has been broken into twice.... it's just bad area... yet he seems attached to it.

**calgarian** · 06-19-2008, 02:50 PM

Originally Posted by Nicotine

somebody likes me :P

his apartment is over priced. $1600 a MONTH for a shit 2 bedroom apt. and the building is full of theives and fags.

we get along wicked..but.... it seems a bit one sided lately... especially now with this issue.

Dont you think it will be a good idea to talk to him??? make sure you state all the facts?Sorry i have no idea how these relationships work.

**Nicotine** · 06-19-2008, 02:52 PM

they work like all others :P

the main issue for him, is he doesnt want to move too far from work. but, whats 10-15 mins more? literally right now, hes less than 5 mins away from work. but it's not like it would be so out of the way for him....

hell, i'd be moving from niagara falls to toronto...that's an even bigger change...

**calgarian** · 06-19-2008, 02:57 PM

Dont you think it will be a good idea to talk to him.

**B.E.N.** · 06-19-2008, 03:02 PM

Originally Posted by Nicotine

and the building is full of theives and fags.

Sorry hijack...

I had no idea you could use that word if you were gay! I thought is was the N word for the gay community. I thought is was hilarious to read him saying that.

okay, I'm immature...so what...

**Nicotine** · 06-19-2008, 03:06 PM

when i go to talk to him, he's like "it's close for work" then he wont say much else..

:\

this is the first roadblock in almost 4 yrs..... :\

Originally Posted by B.E.N.

Sorry hijack...

I had no idea you could use that word if you were gay! I thought is was the N word for the gay community. I thought is was hilarious to read him saying that.

okay, I'm immature...so what...

gays say that word more than the klan :P

**inky-e** · 06-19-2008, 03:11 PM

He seems very unflexible. I don't wanna put ideas in your head but, maybe he has something going on with someone else close to there and he wants the best of both of you. Literally his cake...and eat it too.

**pump.joe** · 06-19-2008, 03:12 PM

Couldn't you find another place for the two of you that is still close to work?

**Nicotine** · 06-19-2008, 03:20 PM

Originally Posted by pump.joe

Couldn't you find another place for the two of you that is still close to work?

that's the thing. a much better area is only like 15 mins away MAX......

so, that's why i dont get it.

as for him being with anyone else...definately not. he's the only person i've dated that i trust %100.... and i'd know..im tricky like that

**spywizard** · 06-19-2008, 03:29 PM

Originally Posted by Nicotine

i've been with carl now for over 3yrs...coming up to 4...

at the 2yr mark, he was taking care of a friend of his who was dying of aids, and work, and running the union for work - so we took time "apart" as friends so he could focus on his responsbilities...

the break was like 2 months...

so, things have been all well and good...but...

he asked me to move in.

thing is, he lives right downtown toronto - RIGHT smack in the gay village.

i'm not worried about him fooling around at all..but... there is a big meth problem there, constant car breakins, apartments being broken into...and....i don't want to be around that many gays....

i suggested that maybe we should move a little further west. only about 15 mins away or so. the area is nicer, far less crime...

he pretty much said no.

i know his current place is REALLY close to work... the extra distance isnt an issue at all - but he refuses to budge.......plus, what he is paying for a 2 bedroom in that area is insane.

i just don't see the deal with him and not wanting to move. i'd feel weird moving into HIS place, cuz it would never feel like OUR place. and i do not want to live in that area AT ALL.....

ugh....men....

edit: at the same time, im driving to toronto 2-3x a week. 130km each way. spending insane amounts on gas, and putting a LOT of kms on my car.....and he never comes up here..at all...ever...twice in like almost 4yrs....

I don't see why my advice would be any different straight or gay.. kick him to the curb.. sounds to me they way you described it, he's just being inconsiderate, unless you like that sort of thing..

**Nicotine** · 06-19-2008, 05:48 PM

that's the thing, this is shocking to me. cuz it's not his style...

i dont think i should totally uproot my life, give up my job, my gym, and he wont make 1 change....

so...guess it's time to talk to him again, then make a decision.

thx guys.

**DSM4Life** · 06-19-2008, 05:53 PM

The way i see it you have the upper hand. He asked you to move in with him and remember you have the option to say no. Tell him you would love to move in with him (if you really do) but you are not living in that area. Leave it at that.

**KatsMeow** · 06-19-2008, 09:03 PM

I agree with DSM, at least you weren't the one who initiated this whole moving in deal, so it doesn't matter if he wants to compromise or not. If it were a female, we would be calling her a selfish b*tch and that's about the nicest way to put it. So if he really wants you to move in with you then he would consider your feelings. I know that you are traveling to see him often but I would rather waste gas money than live around all of the mess that you described.
You guys should buy some scooters...save gas if that's the issue.

**B4ckfire479** · 06-19-2008, 09:18 PM

Originally Posted by StoneGRMI

Agreed. Too many relationship advice threads.

Yeah, isn't there a need for a relationship section? I feel the pain the OP is experiencing and while I'm not gay its a very trying situation to get into

**spywizard** · 06-19-2008, 09:22 PM

Originally Posted by DSM4Life

The way i see it you have the upper hand. He asked you to move in with him and remember you have the option to say no. Tell him you would love to move in with him (if you really do) but you are not living in that area. Leave it at that.

I just say yes or no, you don't need to justify your reasoning..

**Tock** · 06-19-2008, 10:37 PM

Reminds me of my 2nd ex, only he was in the suburbs, and I had a nice apartment next to a lake with ducks and a bike trail in Dallas. I could have saved myself lots of hassle if I had trusted my first impression and assumed that an early display of inflexibility would mean later displays as well.

Trust your impressions.

**Nicotine** · 06-20-2008, 12:26 AM

that's the thing. this is the only really bad impression.

i think im gonna give myself a few days, talk to him, then make a decision...

im not worried about being single. i get hit on all the damn time (not just conceit either)... he's the only one i've ever trusted not to fool around %100

**Crest** · 06-20-2008, 05:52 AM

Originally Posted by *Admin*

would appear this is a very one sided relationship... unless it is truely that he has been to busy to be able to come out of "his" safety net to visit you... which it sounds like may be the problem about moving is that he feels safe where he is and moving he will be out of his comfortzone (you stated he is right in the middle of gay area) maybe he feels that he would be judged in a different area or doesnt think he could handle it.... as it seems he doesnt want to be disrupted at all... his life would stay the same while yours would be totally changed... you may want to talk over the issues as to the "WHY" he doesnt want to move... and work on that then you can work on where to continue the relationship....

what's jerry final thought?

lol

**Dukkit** · 06-20-2008, 06:17 AM

dont do it. simple as that. just from reading your post i can tell that in the end it wouldnt work out. i would sit down and talk to him about everything you have told us and work from there