Anal sex, first time ADVICE PLLLZZZZZZ

[chuckt12345]

stop spending money on aas and get an apartment or something

[Hazard]

What boggles my mind..... is why you even stopped. I mean christ.... at that point you might as well keep going because if you don't even get your nut off then you really got shit on..... LOL

~Haz~

[stack_it]

Lmao you need to learn patience man. Red means stop and as for anal, if there's too much brown turn her around. Follow these and you can avoid another shitty situation!

[redz]

What boggles my mind..... is why you even stopped. I mean christ.... at that point you might as well keep going because if you don't even get your nut off then you really got shit on..... LOL

~Haz~

I`m sure something else would have happened if he had kept plowing.

[Hazard]

I`m sure something else would have happened if he had kept plowing.

Im not sure how much worse it could have gotten after his girlfriend farted and then release a pound of pumpkin shit on his lap..... then again.... I would have loved to have read how much worse it coulda been LOL!

EEEEWWWWWW imagine what a warm pile of shit feels like on your lap..... LOLOLOLOL - it woulda been even funnier if it was really cold out and it steamed while on his lap LOL!

~Haz~

[Hazard]

~Haz~

[Hazard]

~Haz~

[redz]

Oh boy this thread is going to go on for ever, should be made a sticky on the dangers of anal sex.

[ghettoboyd]

omg i just pissed myself reading this.....good stuff bro....

[-Ender-]

Good report Shitz. You're well one your way to greatness.
Blood and shit made most of us the men we are today.

[spywizard]

What boggles my mind..... is why you even stopped. I mean christ.... at that point you might as well keep going because if you don't even get your nut off then you really got shit on..... LOL

~Haz~

oh we need to change his title or user name for sure

[bjpennnn]

LMFAO! Exactly what mine would say.....

I don't read all these dreadful anal pooping stories to mine because I don't want to give her a reason not to doit LOL

~Haz~

point taken. But nothing that a little booze cant make her forget.

[DSM4Life]

anal FTW

[MONEY AND MASS]

Ftw?

[Mooseman33]

oh we need to change his title or user name for sure

Spy, u have to change his title to "SHITZ"

[ranging1]

lol okay guys yes it was a shitty night


ive just woken up and yes i still smell

NOW

since yous wanted the extra little details, (since my last shitty story wasnt enough), here they are

first my gf car is a ford laser, we had to use her car coz ive lost my license for 6 months for speeding (got caught 85km over the speed limit)


now this is what made the day even worse

as i metioned i used hair removel cream ot get rid of the hair on my nuts

the stuff really isnt the easiest to apply, and i also rubbed it round my dik so i wopuld get and hair growing up the carrot off

the stuff unfortunatly isnt the best cream, its more like a liquid so it ran down my dik and onto my pube push in streaks


when i rubbed the stuff off with a towel it also rubbed those streaks off, the end result is the surface area of my pubes now look like zebra stripes, hair for black, and rashed bare skin for white



to make things worse, (while my nuts were sore and rashing) during that evening me n the gf walked through the local shoipping centre coz shes wanted to do some lingerie shopping

i eventually needed to take a piss, not to mention my nuts felt like they had sticky tape yanking on them

so i went toilet adn my nuts were soooooooo fukin sensitive, and i needed to cool them off coz they were still burning

the toilets were empty, so i thought id quicky wash my nuts with cold water in the basin,

the basin though was at thw worst height, its just at my testicle level, however since i need to lean my nuts over the basin it makes it the most awkward height

so i was trying to do a mission impossible angle, trying to lean my nuts over the basin, i kept checking if i could here anyone coming to the toilets but i thought i was sweet since no one was around

give it good 10 seconds of cooling my nuts off and i hear 'WTF are you doing?'

i look to my left and its the cleaner, he stares at me and again asks 'WTF are you doing??'

i didnt know how to react so i quickly pulled my pants up and bolted out the door

stupid me though when i bolted out remembered i left my mobile ontop the bench next to basin coz i didnt wanna get it wet

i stood their for 5minutes pondering wtf to do, but eventually i realised i have to go back in their and get it

so i try sneaking in there, (hopeless) and i check for my mobile phone but its not there

then i see the cleaning guy again, he knows what im looking for and asks me am i looking for something

i tell him what im looking for and he presents my mobile

i obviously ask for it back, and he tells me okay but first i need to tell you soemthing

i figured this guys gonna tell me off for washing my nuts in the basin

he then starts yelling about how hes sick of cleaning peoples shit out of the basin, and hwo its nto funny to take a crap in the basin

i was speechless coz this guy thinks i was trying to take a crap in the basin?????

i then stop him and explain to him what i was doing

he then looks at me when im finished and laughs

he hands the phone over and just starts laughing his face off

i quickly leave but i can hear the bastard laughing from the toilet for awhile




NOW

the worst part of the night

as im sure you all know, i had a pile of mash in my lap while in the back of my gfs car

while i was sitting there in half shock and about to puke coz i also had a spray of it on my face.

i also needed to get the crap out of my lap.......

i really didnt know how to go about doing this, i was loosing my erectiona and the pile of crap was caving in and starting to run down my nut sack,

i could feel it slowly falling down the middle of my legs, and ontop of my erection less knob

so i quickly yelled at my gf to open the passenger door

i dont know where the fuk she had been the whole night

her response with her face still over the handbrake 'why???'

i just yelled and told her noooowwwwwwwwww

she climbs and and sees me and starts laughing

im was baffled n didnt know what to say

so i just yelled agin for her to open the door

so she opens the door

but since its a small car the dumb bitch is now blocking the door, and i cant get out

i start yelling again for her to quickly get tot he other side

so she climbs over me and her mash

i in the meantime am having a panic attack coz i can feel the mash getting runny down ym testies and legs

the second shes over enough for me to move i quickly jump up (keeping my lap upright so it sits in my lap and doesnt fall all over the car) and out the door i go


or atleast that wouldve been nice


I COMPLETELY forgot aboput that little bulge in the floor in her car

im sure most cars have it, its that bulge in the middle of the floor infront fo the middle rear passenger seat

and yet again the worst happen

i rolled and feel over

about half my body (hips and up) made it out the door

the rest didnt..................

so not only now wa si covered in shit, but the shit was on the fllor in my misses car

at this point i just didnt care anymore, i quickly scuffled to my feet and jumped out the car

grabbed my 2 litre diet soft drink from the front passenger seat and washed myself down

my gf at this point also jumped out the car and started creaming ' i feel dirty' 'how the hell to we clean that'

i decided that onyl way was with my gym towel (shamwow)

so i pick the blood/shit stained towel, climb in from my gfs side and start trying to pick up the shit


i was about to BARFFFFF

it was soooooooooooooooooooooooo

fukkkinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

distgusting

worse was the shit fukin mashed into the carpet so i could only get the chunks and slop

th rest looked like chocolate icecream stains on the carpet

from this point i told my gf i think we should call it a night

so we drive off, witht he car smelling like shit

me being an idiot told her not to worry, 'i know what will get this smell out'

she asked what?

i replied toilet spray

i got hit a few times after that

once i got home i just jumped straight into the shower

i felt sorry for my gf becuase she lives 35minute drive from where i live

ahahahahahah wouldve been an enjoyable drive home

[Friend]

Hahaha i haven't laughed so hard for a long time bro
Fvcking brilliant
This has my vote for post of the year

Better luck next time!

[DCI]

ive been away from the forum for quite a few months...I am really busy with work these days but decide to peak my head in juuuuuust to take a look at whats goin on. See a post that deals with anal and first time....see 4 pages figured i read the first few posts then head to the end to see if dude actually pulled this off...and holy $hit was that the single funniest story/post I have read.

Classic and 2x's the new name SHITZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bravo...Bravo...

Same here haven't been on in ages but Ranging man you never fail to achive hilarity. I think as the blues brothers said you where like as if you where on a mission from god lmao. Lunatic.

[-Ender-]

and the hits keep on coming!!

[JinNtonic]

OKAY so i FUKKKKKKKKED it


well shouldnt say i fuked it but EVERYTHING today went wrong


ILL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING

first we went out for the night, with couple her work friends for dinner etc, nps

then we left and went back to her house

unfortunatly when we showed up her paresnts were home, so couldnt do anything their

so we just decided to do the usual and park the car somewhere


and this is where it went BADDD

i starting rubbing her up and FML she had her period

i didnt give a shit, i was keen to do the dirtiest deeds

so i told her not to worry about it,

how much blood could their be i thought?

well FUKKKKKK my life, their was alot

still didnt care, just threw a connie on and thrashed away, then pulled out the vibrating condom out for a little fun to warm her up

then the pain came

let me explain what pain

today before i saw my gf i thought id shave my nuts n stuff, unfortunaly my trimmer is fukin broken and cuts me everytime i put it on my nuts or knob,

so i tried trimming my nuts, and what ya know i cut myself 3 times

so i gave up with that

and thought id try the hair removal cream insted for a change

rubbed it on, let it sit for 5mins, all sweet

rubbed it off and what ya know nuts starting hurting little, and really sensitive

so i hoped in the shower, and washed myself and my nuts

used abit of skin wash on my nuts to help wahs off any hair removal cream left

when i hoped out the shower my nuts felt really DRY, and skin was crinkly and irritating

so i thought id put moisturizer on them

rub it on and felt GREAT, i was liek sweet

then after 10 seconds of applying the stuff to my nuts, it started

MY NUTS WERE on fire, it was liek putting them on a hot plate, i was screaming in PAINNNNNNNNN

so i ran to the shower to wash them off again

hoped back out shower and they still were DRY as fuk, and hurting

so i looked through my bathroom cabinet and found skin wash for senstive skin

sweet i thought, rubbed it on, (checked to see if it burnt first) but it felt fine

give it 1 minute from walking out my bathroom and down my stairs and OMG the painnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

ran back up my stairs screaming into my shower and washed myself again


ONLY this time the fukin cream wouldnt come off, and id forgoten to take my socks off when i ran into the shower

so their i am scrubing away in pain, with socks on in the shower

finally i get the cream off and out the shower

since my socks were wet the first step i take out the shower i slip over and land flat first on the base of my spine

FUKKKKKKK it hurt

so i get changed in pain, and find my hairless nuts are sticking to my underwear, and when i pull them apart its like stickytape on my nuts,

fukin hurts

and everytime i touch my nuts with warm fingers its like pinching them, and it KILLED

so not only were my nuts stiking to my undies like sticky tape, but everytime i try to adjust them it hurt, and felt like they were beeing pinched HARD

this lasted for the WHOLE night, i was scared to sit down since my nuts would burn everytime i did

anyways back on track tot he story

here i am screwing my girl friend, blood dripping everywhere since shes on her period

but im just ignoring it

finally after fukin that its time to get in her ass

i lube my fingers and her ass up and start slinding in and out, was a struggle becuase my pinkie could barely fit in thet start

eventually i got 4 fingers in their

Unfortunatly when i pull them out they were covered in blood, yes her clit and flowed liek river down there

so i pulled out my gym towel (my SHAMWOW), cleaned my fingers and tried again, ignoring the blood

after i thought i had streched her enough i pulled my hand out and what do ya know their was more then just blood on their

YUKKKKKKKKKKK

so gym towel again it was

wiped my fingers off

STUPID me, for some reason has a habit of always smelling my fingers after ive cleaned or wiped them

so me being the idiot without realised i SMELLED my fingers

FMLLLLLLLLLLL, that was just off putting

but yet again i was persitant,

so i bent my gf over and got her bum up in the air, stuck the fingers in and then tried my dick

UNfotunataly AGAIN my girlfriends car is very small, so i couldnt angle myself to dogy fuk her in the arse

i feel over in the process and hit my head on the handbrake

OUCHHHHH

but i was still persistant

so i decided to get my gf, to sit in my lap and fuk her ass that way

so i got her in my lap, and i could see blood driping down her leg (very fukin off putting again) but i continued

i could also see some shit stains running along her bumhole ARRRHHHHHHHHH

but i moved on, took me neally 10 minutes to get my dick in,

far out it was fukin tight

and everytime it popped in, her bum would push me back out

and then in the process i went SOFT twice could i was giving up hope

BUT i got in their FINALLY

was in their about 5mins, and my gf was actually liking it,

stupid me for some reason couldnt get over the thought that i had shit on my hand, kept popping into my mind while i was fukin my gfs ass


and this is where it went nasty and ruined it

MY GF suggested i use the vibrating condom ring in her ass

GREAT i thought shes liking this

so i slap the vibrating ring on

again takes me another 10minutes ot get in the bumhole

not becuase it was to tight, but i couldnt feel my dick through all rubber form the condom, huge amounts of lubricant and a vibrating cock ring that made my dik numb

FINALLY i get it in

and she loves it

would have had 3-4 short strokes when i decided to be naughty **** and shove the whole thing in their nice and hard

so i go

1, 2, 3, 4, 5 small slides

and them WAMMMMM

big stroke deep in their

once i hit the end i think the vibrating condom mad emy dick tickle her to deep

and FARTTTTTTTTTT

my girl friend rips this huge fart, and my dik comes flying out and she falls forward


UNFORTUNATLTY my dik didnt come out alone


my gf shit herself, and not the turd type, the mash potato type







soooooooo the scene???


my girlfriend face first ontop of the handbrake with her but facing me in the sky, with shit stains running down it


and their i was

sitting in the middle of the back seat

legs spread, blood and shit on my hands, and a spray of poop and blood running down my chest and cheeks


and a BIG PILE of mash potato in my lap, with a a carrot stick (top forskin part of my dik) poking out the pile



and it smelt like pumkin soup









FMMMMLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



and here i am now 2 hours later on my comp after being in the shower for the last hour telling yous how it went



worst moment of my life

THIS HAS TO BE THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVVVEERRRRR READ LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you!

HALL OF FAME

[alexISthrowed]

Theres no way you could make this up. I mean whos gonna say they got shit all on and got a little shit in the face then got laughed at. I would be pretty pissed but if shes bleeding all up on your dick you should prolly call it a night then thats ****ing gross.

[powerliftmike]

DAMN dude. Your life is whack.

And a tip: Clean the car and sell it or get it reupholstered. Someone had gotten sick and vomited in my moms car once. You NEVER get the smell out. Trust me. In the winter yes. But everytime in the summer when you park it with the windows up. Its back to hit you as soon as you open the door.

So unless you live somewhere cold or run the A/C all year round and never roll the windows up when parked. The smell is here to stay, consider it your new buddy HAHAHAHA

[RANA]

I will have to read all this later

[D7M]

I will have to read all this later

Rana, you have to. At least read those two long posts from Shitz (Ranging1). \

I wasn't going to either because they were so long, but man, I'm glad I did.

[DCI]

DAMN dude. Your life is whack.

And a tip: Clean the car and sell it or get it reupholstered. Someone had gotten sick and vomited in my moms car once. You NEVER get the smell out. Trust me. In the winter yes. But everytime in the summer when you park it with the windows up. Its back to hit you as soon as you open the door.

So unless you live somewhere cold or run the A/C all year round and never roll the windows up when parked. The smell is here to stay, consider it your new buddy HAHAHAHA

Man that is completely true. And with ranging being from OZ I think it is his new buddy and it will stink like a melting corpse lol one of the lads puked in a car and as you say you never get that shit out ever.

[MONEY AND MASS]

I think this is pretty fitting

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5aYr6MswJb0

[ylfcm]

Dude thats some fuk ed up Shi t hahaha

[bowwow]

Such a helpful group of guys...

Definitely best post pertaining anal sex ever!!!

[ranging1]

Hahaha i haven't laughed so hard for a long time bro
Fvcking brilliant
This has my vote for post of the year

Better luck next time!

lol gonna try again next week, little off put atm so trying to jerry myself up

Same here haven't been on in ages but Ranging man you never fail to achive hilarity. I think as the blues brothers said you where like as if you where on a mission from god lmao. Lunatic.

lmfao thnaks man, im starting to laugh about it now a little, im sure ill be laughing about it eventually

DAMN dude. Your life is whack.

And a tip: Clean the car and sell it or get it reupholstered. Someone had gotten sick and vomited in my moms car once. You NEVER get the smell out. Trust me. In the winter yes. But everytime in the summer when you park it with the windows up. Its back to hit you as soon as you open the door.

So unless you live somewhere cold or run the A/C all year round and never roll the windows up when parked. The smell is here to stay, consider it your new buddy HAHAHAHA

lol GREAT coz its fukin HOT and summer in aus atm, lol oh well ill let my gf worry about it since its not my car lol

[t-gunz]

despite this information i still would like to be your friend hahahah

ur a crack up funny shit man lol

[RANA]

Holy shit, I finally read this thread... Funny as hell

[yungone501]

I was just thinking, isn't it practically impossible to have this much BAD LUCK?!

Damn bro, I would've committed suicide by now. LOL.

[F4iGuy]

Holy crap. This is... wow. Eye of the tiger man.

[Mooseman33]

shitz,
u are the craziest SOB. this has been the best thread i have ever seen on this site, for the main reason is i believe its 100% real.

this is really the only thread i have made my girl read with me, and she is dying also...

good times SHITZ, good times...

[ranging1]

despite this information i still would like to be your friend hahahah

ur a crack up funny shit man lol

lol thank you ur such a kind and considerate person

I was just thinking, isn't it practically impossible to have this much BAD LUCK?!

Damn bro, I would've committed suicide by now. LOL.

lmfao i wouldve thought so to, i usually never get bad luck, and when i do its nothing like this

shitz,
u are the craziest SOB. this has been the best thread i have ever seen on this site, for the main reason is i believe its 100% real.

this is really the only thread i have made my girl read with me, and she is dying also...

good times SHITZ, good times...

lmfao glad ur gf likes it, and yes unfortunatly its real,


IM now going to try AGAIN next week, though im going to the local sex shop to buy a enema coz theirs no fukin way im risking this happening again

and i aint doing it again in the back of a ford fukin laser

[Ernst]

I just read this to my girlfriend. Not even February and we have the post of the year.

[BARLOW]

rule #1 don't take her out for mexican food right before. christ noob.

[stack_it]

lol gonna try again next week, little off put atm so trying to jerry myself up



lmfao thnaks man, im starting to laugh about it now a little, im sure ill be laughing about it eventually




lol GREAT coz its fukin HOT and summer in aus atm, lol oh well ill let my gf worry about it since its not my car lol

Everytime you say "ATM" I think of "ass to mouth" and that is just wrong in your situation.

[ranging1]

I just read this to my girlfriend. Not even February and we have the post of the year.

lol yay im now a celebrity on this forum, lmfao jokes wrong type of celebrity

rule #1 don't take her out for mexican food right before. christ noob.

lmfao yes i have figured that out, might get her to eat rice so shes constapated. jokes

[HustlerBrah]

ROFL i had to read this to get it outa u ey?

good mate...

go get anotehr bum buddy to shove pins in your fat leg whilst you have panic attacks.



it's over, t-gunz lets find someone else.