Originally Posted by
Bojangles69
Yes I'm him lol. Its a 3 month process though I'm only 4 weeks into it right now. Will be sure to post the study when its all said and done.
Ideally with break ups therapy can help, but believe it or not therapy can become a huge distraction. Because therapy really ISN'T important, at some point that person you're talking to is gonna leave that room and be left to their own devices.
Which is why in person I treat people rather brashly. You won't see me doing it online because its too easy to miscalibrate a response and say something stupid. But I do usually try to avoid a lot of the cliche "it will get better" shit. Its soothing to the ears (and to the therapist who says it), but noone really believes it when they're freshly broken up from a relationship.
I usually prefer the route of lighting a fire under peoples asses so they DO get mad, and I try not to distract them from their anger with too much psychobabble (the "it will get better" stuff). But you have to calibrate by what the person responds to the most.
Most people I meet DO want to fight, and you can tell when they get angry about something (mostly their ex) and actually start talking about it, that they just seem liberated in some strange way.
Anger is good, anger directed outside yourself that is. Not in the form of violence, but the form of making decisions outside your comfort zone. "So your angry, what are you gonna do about it?" Person usually never has answers or they say "join a gym? hit a punchin bag?"
Thats not the anger they need to address.
No matter how angry someone can be at their ex, they are usually always MORE angry at themself. Think about it, if they weren't mad at themself, how could the ex possibly affect them? Theres no bridge for those emotions to logically travel into your brain. Being angry at yourself forms that bridge, and ALLOWS all that shit to ravage your mind.
"I'm a pos, I'm not good enough, someone better then me got my girl.. I must be a loser"
No, you're not a loser, you're really just angry with yourself right now, and negative self talk is your coping mechanism to deal with it.
In order to vent that anger, you need to validate your ego usually, which usually happens via social feedback.
"Ok so you're angry, first thing I want you to do when you leave this room is start a conversation with the first girl you see".
Most people are so numb to the world they will go start a conversation, and even if the conversation goes bad, as long as you made them do something they normally don't, they instantly feel better.
Because what you are doing is helping them solidify their self esteem, you want that shit to be an arsenal of concrete and steel, little exercises like this (Facing your fears) is like a drug for any break up.
If you really want one of the most affective answers in the world to a break up, when someone asks you "how do I get over this I'm a mess?"
You say "you begin a mission to conquer all your fears in life". Fears are the ONLY thing that work directly on low self esteem, if you rid the fears, you rid the low self esteem.
Those fears get covered up the day you meet someone, and the day they are gone 90% of them come right back. You might get more angry at yourself for avoiding your fears because NOW you have to work on them. But if a person feels bad enough, and has enough trust in the therapist, they WILL listen to you.
And if they try to conquer even one of their fears, its a brick added to their self esteem that CAN NOT be removed by insecure thinking. No matter how much they say to themself "im a pos", its not going to trigger the same emotions that it use to, and the negative self talk slowly fades away the more they do it. Also, it doesn't take a lot of bricks to set people off on a journey of all out self discovery. Some people won't need to do this, but those people have most likely already done this unconsciously in their developmental years and won't be in therapy in the first place.
Break ups suck, they wreak havoc on your limbic system, and no longer can you rosetint all the shit that tricked you into love in the first place.
You use to say "her love handles were cute" but now you tell yourself the truth "her love handles were a sign of her bad diet and lazy attitude"
You use to say "the hair on her arms was an imperfection I learned to value", now you say "the hair on her arms was fvckn nasty and I should have told her to shave that shit"
THATS the proverbial "smack in the face", when you realize all this shit one by one and realize "wow, I made so many mistakes in the way I viewed this girl. I knew it all along, but STILL chose to ignore it".
This far reaches into the depths of personality too, thats actually what you will feel the worst about.
"Why the FVCK did I let her stay over my house that night she was acting like a total psycho?" One by one all those past decisions invade your well being.
Thats why all you have left is new decisions. Decisions that FEEL RIGHT and MAKE SENSE, decisions that are congruent to your morals and beliefs.
You make NO exceptions for future partners, don't justify one bad thing with one good thing, when one bad thing pops up you confront it verbally with your partner and you must NEVER FEAR the fact that one day you may just need to literally drop a girl.
All the good things they did, you have to understand that certain bad behavoirs are never cancelled out by good ones.
If she bought you pizza last week, and this week she is asking you to be her daddy (pay bills, make phone calls for her) you dont use last weeks pizza to justify this weeks being her daddy.
You are NOT her father and NEVER will be. If that becomes a pattern where she needs you to handle her problems because shes too much of a mess to handle her own, thats the point you need to be ready to leave.
People are ALWAYS pushing this shit off then regretting it later. A right can never correct a wrong. If she offers to give you anal after a fight (no pun intended ranging) I'm sorry but you don't just ****ing make trades like that in relationships. You have no idea what you are REALLY trading or REALLY showing to your partner.
THIS is what you would show them in situation like that.
"Ok we can fight, and you can curse me out and call me a pos loser then tell me you wanna **** my friend, but I will let that all slide if you give me anal"? wtf!?
How often do you see shit like this in real life? Its appauling.
You JUST TOLD your girl I WILL TOLERATE YOUR BAD ATTITUDE AS LONG AS YOU GIVE ME UNLIMITED ACCESS TO YOUR BODY.
You aren't "making up", you're subconsiously sending your partner the message that you are a superficial pushover.
Thats why noone is perfect, because everyone makes these mistakes every day of their life. But you REALLY need to try to seperate yourself from the majority. The majority is who teaches you to tolerate this type of crap in the first place.
It all comes down to how much you believe in yourself, and how willing you are to act like you believe in yourself. People who believe in themselves don't let fears run their life, they live w/out apologies because they make smart decisions. I hate to see any man going through a break up, you but NEED to realize you are where you are for a reason.
Not being dumped or broken up, but being SAD. That is where you are right now. You can get dumped and not have a care in the world, but that comes with self esteem. Self esteem is one of the few things in this world that is actually worth the price you pay for it. In most break ups, the ONLY thing that really makes it tough in the end is self esteem. You may have ignored that word for the first 20 years of your life (or however long) but now you realize what price you pay when you DON'T have self esteem. And I'm telling you, its always smarter to pay the price now so you don't have to pay 10 fold later.
The death of your fears marks the birth of your liberation, never forget that.
-Bo
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06-01-2024, 07:11 PM in ANABOLIC STEROIDS - QUESTIONS & ANSWERS