Today is the worst day of my life... for now

**gbrice75** · 02-21-2013, 10:29 AM

Originally Posted by kitstreasure

GBrice, man, I've been where you are, it's HARD. But our animals make us better people, both for loving them, and for ourselves. I was ready to tell you about my Odie, but that just cheapens what you're going through. Our pets may not be humans, but they are some of the most loving, supportive, caring, understanding, patient people in our lives. No matter how big an asshole we're being; no matter how badly we've hurt others in our lives, our pets always love, accept and forgive us. This is a horrible place to be, but it is definitely time to let her go. No amount of rationalizing it is going to make it hurt less, unfortunately. But knowing that it's the right thing does make it easier to go through with it. It's okay to hurt, it's okay to be upset. Thankfully, people understand us not being at our best right after the loss of a pet. Take some time for yourself afterwards to do just as you said, and mourn and grieve her loss. The love felt for a pet, is second to none, because they love us in ways another human never can. She knows you love her, and to be honest, you're probably why she's hanging on.

Wow, thank you Kit... this is powerful. I love every word of it and will no doubt read it many times over the next several days. Feel free to share your story about Odie if you wish; I certainly don't feel it cheapens my situation. It's empathizing if anything.

**Lunk1** · 02-21-2013, 10:37 AM

Hey buddy, try not to mourn her passing but instead...celebrate her life!!!

I will be off all day tomorrow and you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers! Stay strong!

**Zodiac82** · 02-21-2013, 11:11 AM

Originally Posted by gbrice75

Thank you all so much for your warmth and support. We have one last night with her, and I'm sure as hell gonna make it count. We're gonna have her sleep with us tonight... she might piss or shit our bed, but that can be cleaned. We'll never see her again, and I don't want to be kicking myself for not taking this last opportunity to cuddle with her.

enjoy it like no other....I was about to pm u to see how things were goin but I saw your thread up....again sorry you're going through this and you your family and your dog will be in my prayers....

**kitstreasure** · 02-21-2013, 11:12 AM

Odie was a boxer/lab mixed mutt that we found abandoned under a dumpster out in the county. When we found him I was 12 or 13, and he was outweighed by one of those 12foot dog chains from the grocery store. I remember my parents bringing him home (it had taken them nearly 2 hours to catch him) covered in mud, his milk teeth still cutting through his gums. At the time my mom and grandmother between them had 6 house cats in the same house my parents were bringing a dog into. This poor thing was smaller than even the smallest of those cats. For months he followed me everywhere since it was just before summer vacation when my parents brought him home. He thought he was a lap dog, I swear and this boy grew to be a monster! He may have only weighed 80lbs but he broke every chain we ever had to use as a leash. (We lived on nearly 30 acres with no fences on a major highway, and he was taken to bolting off after deer, racoons, opossums, rabbits, you name it.) He was "stupid-smart". You could tell him to untangle himself from whatever he was wrapped around and he could do it, but he'd get his head stuck in his food storage container regularly. This dog would stand stock still and watch you fire any weapon of your choice, but would go from laying flat on his stomach dead to the world asleep and vault 6 feet into the air at the first sound of thunder. (We think it was cause of the dumpster's sounds when the garbage truck would pick it up.) After one too many times of him getting stuck under my bed during a thunder storm, my bed went up on cinder blocks. After he reached about 18 months old my parents had to buy me a queen sized bed since my twin was no longer big enough for me, the cats, and now this 60lb dog. He was never given more than basic obedience training, but he could track and do anything you told him to.... As long as you spoke to him like he was a human. He'd play with the cats like he thought he was one.

When I started being abused, he took to laying across my doorway at night to keep my door from being opened and would take on anyone that seriously tried to come through the door. Later, when my husband became abusive, Odie bit the only person he would EVER bite. If you put the babies on a blanket in the yard and told him to guard while you had to turn your back, not even another family member could come near those babies, until YOU told him it was okay. He's was an AMAZING dog. The kids could crawl all over him, pull his ears, pull his whiskers, hit him, and he'd just turn around and lick their faces. LOL.

I had him through Jr. High, Highschool, part of college (then loaned him to my mom), and he out lasted my first 4 long term relationships (including marriages). We had to put him down at the ripe old age of 10 because he had arthritis in both hips, cataracts, was going deaf and was getting to where he was in too much pain. At the time, I had to travel for work. I was working in Texas and had left him with my mom in another state. She called and told me what had been going on. I left work in mid-shift, drove 16+hours home, and spent the weekend with him waiting for the vet's office to open Monday morning. That was 10 years ago. I still cry when I see his pictures. I still miss him. To the very end, that 80lb beast thought he was my lap dog. He was a TOTAL Peter Pan. I've owned many dogs since then. I eventually have found all of them other homes for assorted different reasons, but as I sit here thinking about it, it's really because they just weren't Odie. I tried to be there when he was put down, but I just couldn't do it. I was fine until they actually gave him the injection. The second I saw that needle go in, I had to get out of there. I remember running to my car and sitting there bawling so hard I could barely breathe, never mind see to drive. Eventually my boyfriend came and got me and took me and Odie home. Odie is buried under a tree with a full blown headstone at the house we lived at when we got him.

The dog I have now is 10 years old and was my Mama's show and agility dog before she passed. This dog still isn't Odie, but she has virtues of her own. I know she wouldn't do well or even survive if she had to live with someone else. Taz (my current dog) could well live to be 16 or even 19 years old, and I know no matter how old she is, no matter what her health, if the time comes that I have to put her down it will hurt just as much as it still does to have had to put Odie down. There are only 3 deaths out of the many I've had to deal with, that still upset me to think about them, and Odie's is definitely on that list.

So, take the time to feel your pain. Hold on to the good memories, love her just as you always have and know that the love you feel for her will never and I mean NEVER change.

**jasc** · 02-21-2013, 11:43 AM

Originally Posted by kitstreasure

Odie was a boxer/lab mixed mutt that we found abandoned under a dumpster out in the county. When we found him I was 12 or 13, and he was outweighed by one of those 12foot dog chains from the grocery store. I remember my parents bringing him home (it had taken them nearly 2 hours to catch him) covered in mud, his milk teeth still cutting through his gums. At the time my mom and grandmother between them had 6 house cats in the same house my parents were bringing a dog into. This poor thing was smaller than even the smallest of those cats. For months he followed me everywhere since it was just before summer vacation when my parents brought him home. He thought he was a lap dog, I swear and this boy grew to be a monster! He may have only weighed 80lbs but he broke every chain we ever had to use as a leash. (We lived on nearly 30 acres with no fences on a major highway, and he was taken to bolting off after deer, racoons, opossums, rabbits, you name it.) He was "stupid-smart". You could tell him to untangle himself from whatever he was wrapped around and he could do it, but he'd get his head stuck in his food storage container regularly. This dog would stand stock still and watch you fire any weapon of your choice, but would go from laying flat on his stomach dead to the world asleep and vault 6 feet into the air at the first sound of thunder. (We think it was cause of the dumpster's sounds when the garbage truck would pick it up.) After one too many times of him getting stuck under my bed during a thunder storm, my bed went up on cinder blocks. After he reached about 18 months old my parents had to buy me a queen sized bed since my twin was no longer big enough for me, the cats, and now this 60lb dog. He was never given more than basic obedience training, but he could track and do anything you told him to.... As long as you spoke to him like he was a human. He'd play with the cats like he thought he was one.

When I started being abused, he took to laying across my doorway at night to keep my door from being opened and would take on anyone that seriously tried to come through the door. Later, when my husband became abusive, Odie bit the only person he would EVER bite. If you put the babies on a blanket in the yard and told him to guard while you had to turn your back, not even another family member could come near those babies, until YOU told him it was okay. He's was an AMAZING dog. The kids could crawl all over him, pull his ears, pull his whiskers, hit him, and he'd just turn around and lick their faces. LOL.

I had him through Jr. High, Highschool, part of college (then loaned him to my mom), and he out lasted my first 4 long term relationships (including marriages). We had to put him down at the ripe old age of 10 because he had arthritis in both hips, cataracts, was going deaf and was getting to where he was in too much pain. At the time, I had to travel for work. I was working in Texas and had left him with my mom in another state. She called and told me what had been going on. I left work in mid-shift, drove 16+hours home, and spent the weekend with him waiting for the vet's office to open Monday morning. That was 10 years ago. I still cry when I see his pictures. I still miss him. To the very end, that 80lb beast thought he was my lap dog. He was a TOTAL Peter Pan. I've owned many dogs since then. I eventually have found all of them other homes for assorted different reasons, but as I sit here thinking about it, it's really because they just weren't Odie. I tried to be there when he was put down, but I just couldn't do it. I was fine until they actually gave him the injection. The second I saw that needle go in, I had to get out of there. I remember running to my car and sitting there bawling so hard I could barely breathe, never mind see to drive. Eventually my boyfriend came and got me and took me and Odie home. Odie is buried under a tree with a full blown headstone at the house we lived at when we got him.

The dog I have now is 10 years old and was my Mama's show and agility dog before she passed. This dog still isn't Odie, but she has virtues of her own. I know she wouldn't do well or even survive if she had to live with someone else. Taz (my current dog) could well live to be 16 or even 19 years old, and I know no matter how old she is, no matter what her health, if the time comes that I have to put her down it will hurt just as much as it still does to have had to put Odie down. There are only 3 deaths out of the many I've had to deal with, that still upset me to think about them, and Odie's is definitely on that list.

So, take the time to feel your pain. Hold on to the good memories, love her just as you always have and know that the love you feel for her will never and I mean NEVER change.

Wow, that was one of the most moving things that I have ever read. Excellent articulation Kit.

**kitstreasure** · 02-21-2013, 11:45 AM

Thanks, Jasc.

-Treasure.

**crazy mike** · 02-21-2013, 12:00 PM

Hi "kit" me and my wife are just animal lovers from childhood. Every pet me or her or us together have had love them all dearly. We have had a pet Loved ones cemetery in our back yard. So all though I can't feel YOUR grief I have experienced much the same and realize the pain. So I have some understanding and so real experience. My heart goes out to you not just because you, I don't know you but we all share some common feelings if we are real heartful people. I know I am a very touchy, feely person. My prayer are with you and yours. It is a good thing to be able to feel the pain as well as the joy. W e must remember that our loved one will be out of pain and would like us to be happy and cheery as we always greeted them each day. Let your loved one see you happy. Cry with some joy that you were a good thing in their lives as they were to you. ...so sorry mike

**kitstreasure** · 02-21-2013, 12:10 PM

Mike, my story was to share with GBrice what I experienced. GBrice is the one losing a pet. But, thank you for your well wishes.

-Treasure.

**crazy mike** · 02-21-2013, 12:18 PM

I'm always out here in a different world, crazy , but I know you got the well wishes. I hate when these thing in life get us but that's it. Life on life's terms, what a bitch. ...tryin to stay cool... c. mike

**canesfan804** · 02-21-2013, 01:02 PM

Originally Posted by gbrice75

Btw, we're doing it tomorrow. I don't know what time yet, but it'll be tomorrow. So much for making it to March 1. She's gotten worse over the past 2 days... really can't walk at all. When she CAN hold her own weight, she's extremely wobbly (worse than previously) and it's just bad. Time to put an end to this before it gets even worse, whatever that may be.

Sorry to hear this Gb. After reading your op I was getting teared up so I couldnt read too much after that. I have a Chihuahua thats 14 years old and even tho he is really my wifes dog I will be broken when he finally goes. Thought he had stomach cancer once and he had to stay at the vet for about a week, the house didnt feel the same without him. Funny thing is Im the guy who always said its just a pet, but now I know what its like to have one for an extended time. They become our friend... Try and enjoy this evening with your friend.

**Rwy** · 02-21-2013, 03:37 PM

Gb Sorry to hear. Keep your head up!

**gbrice75** · 02-25-2013, 02:15 PM

Kit, I love your story. When I have it in me, I'll comment further - but it's evident that you understand how I feel. Just an update...

Needless to say, it's done. I came home from work early Thursday (her last full day/night) to spend some time with her and my wife. I went out and bought her a pound of ground beef figuring we'd send her off with a grand last meal. We don't normally feed our dogs table food but at this point, what would be the harm? Plus, it's not potato chips. So we spent a lot of time loving her, crying, etc. and then gave her the meal - ground beef w/ shredded cheese and 2 eggs. She loved it, but what would have been scoffed down in literally 10 seconds took her about 5 minutes to eat. Testament to her condition.

We did bring her into the bed with us that night to have one last sleep together - and she didn't even have any accidents! Such a good girl. I feel asleep with my hand buried in between her neck/chin. Very sweet.

The next morning was extremely tough. Our appt. was for 12:30pm so it's not even like we had a full day with her, not to mention having to tend to our 16 month old. Luckily, my mother was able to come to our house to watch the baby for a while which allowed us an uninterrupted final hour to go lay with her up in our bed. We spent the whole time petting her, talking to her, kissing her, taking pics of every part of her body, etc. Very sad, but i'm so glad we had that opportunity.

Finally, the hour was upon us. We brought her out in the yard and let her have what would be her last run (hardly) through her yard. We wrapped her in a blanket and she sat calmly on my wife's lap in the front seat while I drove us off to where she'd spend her final minutes.

Our vet's office is literally one of the best facilities in the country - Red Bank Veterinary Hospital - top notch place, state of the art. Nothing less for our babies. They were great. Everything was handled delicately and with tact. I was very happy to have the vet who has been seeing our girl for the last several years. We never felt rushed, were brought into a 'lounge' type room where we laid our girl in her blanket on a couch they had there. We were told to spend as much time with her as we wanted and then just come get them when we were ready.

It all happened so fast... I held her head in my hands and my face next to hers, giving her soft kisses and whispering to her, telling her how much we loved her and how she'd never be forgotten. She was breathing... and then she wasn't. I'll never forget the vet checking her heart and then very softly saying "she's gone". I'm welling up now just thinking about it.

We spent another 15 mins or so just saying our goodbye's, crying, and loving her. The gently picked her up to take her away, and I was able to sneak in one last kiss on her still wet nose. Saddest day of my life, honestly. My stomach drops every time I think about it, and all I do IS think about it.

The house just feels weird now. Very quiet and 'empty'. She was such a quiet dog to begin with, I know the feeling is really just the void she left. It's very sad watching our other dog, her long time partner who has been with her/us for 13 years, wandering around the house looking for her. He has literally never been without her save a few random times. He's the only one who has been with her more than us. I think his days are numbered. He's old as well, and if nothing else I think he'll die of a broken heart as that was his girl.

My wife and I have completely absorbed ourselves in things involving her. We have a folder on our PC that is completely out of control - folders of folders, duplicate pics, it's just a mess - but I scoured that thing and got every single pic and video I could find all into a single folder so we can easily access them from now on. I even got everything off of both our iPhones and my wife's iPad. Watching those videos of her better days really brings me relief and warmth; it also confirms for me that we did the right thing for her. I have questioned myself over the past few days so much... I've gone from 'we did it too soon' all the way to the opposite end of the spectrum of 'we didn't do it soon enough.'

I've been using the pictures and videos much in the way detectives do with evidence - piecing things together to really get an idea of what happened when. It's hard to see it when you're right in the middle of it. To the best of my knowledge, I can safely say she lived a very happy healthy 13 or so years. Around the time she turned 13, her hips were going, and probably right around 6 months ago, her mind (tumor) started going as well. Sadly, we were very preoccupied with our son during all of this, and although I can't blame us for that, I am very sad that we were perhaps not as attentive to her as we could/should have been during her time of need, while she was losing herself. Or, it was our love and attention that was keeping her holding on, and when she 'lost us' (she really didn't, we never ignored her, but needless to say the baby consumed us quite a bit), she finally gave up. I don't know, never will for sure. I've concluded that the real tragedy here was her condition moreso than us losing her, as after all, we ALL must go sometime.

Over the next several weeks/months, my wife and I have several projects planned that will help us remember her, honor her, and celebrate her life. We're making a shadow box containing a few items: clippings of her fur that I took; her collar; a few pics; and a leaf I plucked from a bush which happened to be the last thing she ever touched of her own accord.

We're also gathering a bunch of pics for a book which we'll display next to her shadow box and urn containing her ashes. In the spring, we're going to plant a tree for her, and we're going to make a small garden and sprinkle some of her ashes and grow lilies, which was her sweetest nickname (Lily). We're going to buy a nice decorative box and keep the blanket she was laying on when she died, along with some of her favorite toys and her retractable leash. We've decided to light a candle on her birthday (and date of death) and look through all her pics, etc. Finally, I am going to get a tattoo on my left pec of a small pic of a lilie with her name (Lily) in black script. A man can have a flower on his chest when it's this meaningful. All of this will allow us to stay as close to her as possible. It's making me feel better, but not taking away this pain that I suppose I will just have to get used to. She has truly left a hole in my heart that only she can fill...

If you've made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read her story, and for easing my pain a bit with your warm support.

**Zodiac82** · 02-25-2013, 04:11 PM

very touching GB....dont kno if u saw it or not nut Lunk put up a thread for u....
the tattoo idea is great....have u thought about getting some of her ashes put in the ink to have that tattooed on u?

**gbrice75** · 02-26-2013, 09:44 AM

Originally Posted by cancer82

very touching GB....dont kno if u saw it or not nut Lunk put up a thread for u....
the tattoo idea is great....have u thought about getting some of her ashes put in the ink to have that tattooed on u?

Thanks buddy, I did see Lunk's thread and have posted in it (same story as above). No, I hadn't thought about getting her ashes put in the ink - but assuming people do that - it's a great idea!! I'd LOVE to have her permanently on me!