Today is the worst day of my life... for now

[gbrice75]

I apologize in advance for what will be scattered thoughts bordering on rambling.

I have to make the disgusting call today to the vet to put down one of our dogs. We've had her for nearly 15 years. She's a Border Collie mix who we rescued from a shelter when she was only 3 months old.

She was always a great dog. High energy, extremely loving and affectionate, and was always satisfied - never asked for anything but our love. She never caused damage in the house, and I can probably count on 2 hands the times she's had an accident in the house (up until recently anyway). All she ever wanted was to be around us, part of the family. I can happily say that we certainly fulfilled her desire. There's no dog on the planet who has been showered with love and affection more than this one (I know everybody thinks the same).

She's never been sick. I mean, literally, never. In 14+ years, we've never had to take her to the vet for any kind of illness, not even once. I attribute that in part to her genetics (mutts are always generally healthier), and in part to the fact we VERY rarely ever fed her any table food. Whenever we did, it was always meat, sometimes cheese, etc. Never processed foods. I can't stand it when I see people feedings pets Doritos and crap like that. It's animal abuse, but I digress.

She seemed like she was never going to slow down. I remember thinking when she was around 10 years old, "wow, she's OLD! Look at her out there in the yard, still tearing ass like she's a puppy!" She was quite literally the eternal puppy.

About a year and a half ago, we finally noticed her starting to slow down. Nothing crazy, no sickness, she just lost her pep, and you could tell she had minor arthritis in her hips. It was to be expected. At 13 years old, what else could we have expected. We knew we were lucky to have her for that long.

Things started to get really bad over the last year, and particularly the last 3-4 months. We noticed that she was CONSTANTLY pacing back and forth... not fast, just walking back and forth, all day long, inside, outside, didn't matter. I found that odd for a dog who supposedly had bad hips. In my rational, human way of thinking - "If your hips hurt, go lay down!!" To make matters worse, she was starting to crap in the house... here and there at first, then it became daily, then it became twice daily, overnight, etc. With a 1 year old baby running around (not to mention crawling, eating things off the floor, etc), you can understand the health concern. If it were just a matter of having to clean up after her, I'd do it gladly. It's the least I can do after all she's given us.

We brought her to the vet in January for her biannual check up, and expressed our concerns to the vet re: the pacing and defecating. Based on her behavior, the vet believes she has some kind of tumor on her brain (non cancerous) that's affecting her neurologically. That would explain the pacing, and the fact she often walks in circles. She probably doesn't even realize she's doing it; it's what's making her feel 'normal'.

Our vet said it was up to us whether or not we wanted to put her down at this point. She didn't feel our girl was suffering, or in pain, but at the same time, we had to ask ourselves whether her quality of life was good. Our vet said to think of 3 things that she always loved to do. If she could no longer do 2 of them, then she probably isn't living a very quality life. Well, she couldn't do any of the 3 things we thought of. Our vet said she didn't feel we had to do anything immediately, and if we wanted to take a little time, she didn't feel we were being selfish as, again, the dog didn't appear to be in any pain or suffering.

We cried initially, just over the idea of having to lose her. What we feared for many years was finally upon us. We knew we'd call to schedule soon, but it seemed like she still had a good month or two left in her. She still had a healthy appetite, and still wanted to be around - it's not like she was just laying in a bed all day unable to move.

We were thinking about doing it Friday, 3/1 which would at least give me the weekend to recover a bit before having to go back to work and face people. 2 days ago, that small window became much smaller. My wife was at her mother's with my son all day, and I came home from work to find our dog sprawled out (legs split apart) in her own feces. Not the first time I've found her like this, but this time it was evident that she had been like this for several hours. I felt awful. After cleaning everything up, she couldn't even stand, at all. I attributed that to the fact she was stiff and sore from having been in that position for so long. I laid her down on her bed and tried to make her comfortable. By the time we were going to bed, she was able to walk a bit. Very wobbly, but better than before. This morning, she got up to go to the bathroom and was much better (relatively speaking), even able to navigate down some stairs on her own. I was very pleased, and figured we'd be ok with waiting until March 1.

My wife just called me and said she found the dog like that again (not in feces this time)... apparently her legs gave out again. We're pretty much at a point now where she literally cannot stand. I have to be honest with myself and realize that now, I DO feel she's suffering. Keeping her alive any longer would be selfish on our part and not what's best for our girl. So... I made the call this morning, and our vet (who is wonderful) said to just pick a day, whenever we felt was right, even if we called the morning of - she'd make time for us, on her lunch, stay late, whatever. She didn't want us to feel pressured based on her schedule.

My wife is going to keep an eye on her today and we'll play it by ear, but I imagine we only have a few days at best. At this point, if she can last through the weekend, I'd be grateful. I just need a little time to spend and really say goodbye. I'm welling up as I write this now...

All in all, it has been a great journey. It was literally love at first sight, the day we found her. She was the first dog we saw when we walked into the facility, and although we moved on and looked at every other dog there (big place too), I clearly recall bringing that "little white puppy" up over and over again... there was just a spark there. We went back, took her, walked out and the rest was history.

We gave her a great, loving home and her life was always a good one. She was a very satisfied dog. I can say without hesitation though that she gave us so much more than we ever gave her. Unconditional love, comfort... no doubt extended my life as pets do. Watching her wither away over the past year or so (she was always 40lbs her entire life... currently 33) has been very tough to witness... seeing her this way.... her 'sharpness' is gone.... that look in her eyes isn't there anymore... she looks lost in the eyes... a light is out... she's sort of already gone. She's not at all the same dog we came to know and love dearly.

I will love her forever, and will never ever forget her. I literally cannot remember my life without her. It's going to be a very tough adjustment... especially those nights/early mornings when I wake up and for a brief second, everything is 'normal' - then it'll occur to me that she's not down there sleeping on her bed. I know how that stuff goes. There is a hole in my heart that will never be filled... it's the special place i'll keep her, forever, near and dear to me. My 2 biggest regrets: 1 - that she won't live long enough for my son to remember her, and 2 - that I failed to back up an old hard drive that eventually crashed. It had TONS of pics and videos of her during her best years, her prime. They're unrecoverable and all we have now are our memories, and some later stuff after she had already slowed down. But, it is what it is. Live and learn.

I will keep you guys posted with how it all goes down. I can't bare the thought of having to be there as she takes her last breath, but I wouldn't miss it for the world... the chance to comfort her in her time of need. It's the least I can do for the free spirit who gave us so much throughout her brief time on this planet.

I know i'm rambling now... I apologize for being long winded but I really needed to get this down on 'paper'. I appreciate you guys reading through. This is the toughest time of my life... I know people have had to deal with worse, so I don't mean to minimize that at all - but I've never really dealt with loss with anybody close... this is a first for me... and it's awful.

[Knockout_Power]

I apologize in advance for what will be scattered thoughts bordering on rambling.

I have to make the disgusting call today to the vet to put down one of our dogs. We've had her for nearly 15 years. She's a Border Collie mix who we rescued from a shelter when she was only 3 months old.

sorry to hear man... but I couldnt get further than this... destroyed me when I lost my puppy...

[MickeyKnox]

Wow, sorry to hear about this Gbrice - that's horrible bro. Im not even sure what to say..other than im very very sorry..

[lovbyts]

Sorry for your loss especially on this day. Hope you guys can find a way to turn the day around and make it a good thing.

[GirlyGymRat]

Pets are family so I am sorry.

[likelifting]

Its so so hard to lose a pet. Sorry for your loss.

There was some good stuff online about grieving the loss of a pet. It helped. Good luck.

[Lunk1]

You already know my feeling! It's 100% about quality of life. Once that ceases to exist then the decision becomes easier! I have held them till they are gone and said my goodbyes. I tearing up know even thinking about it!
Be strong for your family and your dear friend! Comfort the dog as it would and has comforted you!

We had our best friend creamated and she is with us all the time...just a thought....

[bikeral]

GB. I sit here reading your post teary eyed thinking of my 3 dogs. (Maybe I should get my E checked)
It's amazing how much they become part of the family. Keep the memory with you.

[gbrice75]

sorry to hear man... but I couldnt get further than this... destroyed me when I lost my puppy...

Wow, sorry to hear about this Gbrice - that's horrible bro. Im not even sure what to say..other than im very very sorry..

Sorry for your loss especially on this day. Hope you guys can find a way to turn the day around and make it a good thing.

Pets are family so I am sorry.

Its so so hard to lose a pet. Sorry for your loss.

There was some good stuff online about grieving the loss of a pet. It helped. Good luck.

GB. I sit here reading your post teary eyed thinking of my 3 dogs. (Maybe I should get my E checked)
It's amazing how much they become part of the family. Keep the memory with you.

You already know my feeling! It's 100% about quality of life. Once that ceases to exist then the decision becomes easier! I have held them till they are gone and said my goodbyes. I tearing up know even thinking about it!
Be strong for your family and your dear friend! Comfort the dog as it would and has comforted you!

We had our best friend creamated and she is with us all the time...just a thought....

Thank you all for your support. This forum is the greatest community of 'strangers' I've ever known, that's why I feel comfortable posting intimate things here.

Lunk - absolutely bro. That's already been decided, we'll be bringing her ashes home with us. I was thinking of sprinkling a small amount in the ocean and/or on the beach where she enjoyed herself so much...

[ElDude]

GB, it is never an easy decision to make. It is amazing how a dog, or cat if you are in to those, can change your life and truly become such a huge part of your life and family.

Sorry for your loss.

[fit2bOld]

I have a 14 year old chocolate lab and I feel your pain she paces and occasionally drops some tootsie rolls and know that the time is near. I've been hoping to find her on her bed at peace so I don't have to make this choice again. I feel your pain but never beat yourself down for what you should have done. Rejoice in that you provided a loving home and many happy years. Many animals should be so lucky to have a loving family
Fit

[gbrice75]

GB, it is never an easy decision to make. It is amazing how a dog, or cat if you are in to those, can change your life and truly become such a huge part of your life and family.

Sorry for your loss.

Thanks brother.

I have a 14 year old chocolate lab and I feel your pain she paces and occasionally drops some tootsie rolls and know that the time is near. I've been hoping to find her on her bed at peace so I don't have to make this choice again. I feel your pain but never beat yourself down for what you should have done. Rejoice in that you provided a loving home and many happy years. Many animals should be so lucky to have a loving family
Fit

We'll be here for you in your time of need, just like you're all here for me now. You're right - we always wanted to just wake up one morning to find that she passed peacefully in her sleep, that would have been the best case scenario, but that's not an option now. Physically, internally, she's fine as far as I can tell. Organs are still relatively healthy, so this dog isn't about to keel over on her own. Our choice now boils down to putting her down (which will at least be peaceful), or risking her having a seizure (due to the tumor) which may lead to a violent death. I could never bare the thought of her going that way simply due to my own selfishness in keeping her around to make myself feel better. So yea, we know what we've gotta do.

[Lunk1]

^^^^^ very fitting!

We had talked about loading a bit of ash in a cpl shotgun shells and shooting her at the first pheasant of the year...like her last hunt lol!

[gbrice75]

^^^^^ very fitting!

We had talked about loading a bit of ash in a cpl shotgun shells and shooting her at the first pheasant of the year...like her last hunt lol!

It's all symbolic and just a little something we feel we're doing for them.

[bowldawg]

Crap sorry man. I've had to do the same thing twice in my life. Even though in both cases the dog was suffering, making the life and death call was something that tortured me.

[diesel101]

Its tough to loose a pet sorry for youre loss

[jasc]

Very emotional post GB, had my eyes getting a bit watery. It's the hardest thing to do, but you're doing what's best for her. Stay strong big guy.

[Zodiac82]

very truly sorry for what ur goin through GB....im pretty sure a lot of ppl teared up from this....me included....as I sit here reading with my dog lyin next to me and cant imagine the pain ur dealing with and what im going to deal with when that day comes....I would spend every possible minute with her. Are u going to sleep next to her? Again truly sorry

[xerxes333]

Sorry for the loss bro, pets are family. Here is a good and comical ode from another man who lost his dog recently: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/dog_paradox

[gbrice75]

Crap sorry man. I've had to do the same thing twice in my life. Even though in both cases the dog was suffering, making the life and death call was something that tortured me.

Its tough to loose a pet sorry for youre loss

Very emotional post GB, had my eyes getting a bit watery. It's the hardest thing to do, but you're doing what's best for her. Stay strong big guy.

very truly sorry for what ur goin through GB....im pretty sure a lot of ppl teared up from this....me included....as I sit here reading with my dog lyin next to me and cant imagine the pain ur dealing with and what im going to deal with when that day comes....I would spend every possible minute with her. Are u going to sleep next to her? Again truly sorry

Thanks for all your support guys, it means a lot to me, really.

Cancer - my wife and I were talking the other night (when we still thought March 1st would be our date) and I had the idea that from now until that day, every single night after putting our son to bed, we turn off the TV and all other distractions, and spend some REAL quality time with her, just loving and comforting her, just 30 mins a night of undivided attention. Obviously we're still going to do this, I just thought I'd have a bit more time and wish we had started sooner.

Re: sleeping next to her - our dogs always slept in the bed with us (probably why I have a bad back, lol). That stopped about a year and a half ago when they were no longer able to get on the bed. They used to just jump up. When that was no longer possible, we bought the pet steps and they used them for a while, but then even that became too tough, so they started sleeping on their beds (still in our room) and it's been that way for about a year or so. I've always wanted to continue sleeping with her/them, but the constant crapping (happens often overnight, she doesn't even know it and we just wake up from the smell) had me concerned - obviously I don't want that in the bed with us. However, given the circumstances, that's a small price to pay, and at the very least, I will have 1 last night with her in the bed the way it always was. Absolutely her last night in existence, but since that'll be such a sad night, i'm thinking one other night before then as well, where we can really try to enjoy her.

I want to walk out of that place knowing that we did everything in our power to comfort her as much as possible. I've been carrying her up and down the stairs and outside in my slippers in the snow for months now, and haven't complained at all. I do it happily. Yea, it sucks in the middle of the night, having to get up out of a full blown deep sleep to have lights on in my face, cleaning dog shit, noise waking up the baby, etc. But again, a few months of that is a worthy trade for the years of love and joy she brought us. I'm just sad that our most recent memories of her will be these bad ones. She has always had my heart, and always will. One of her nicknames (among dozens, literally) is Daddy's Girl. She'll always be my Daddy's Girl.

[warmouth]

This sucks man. I hate it fir you.

[gbrice75]

Sorry for the loss bro, pets are family. Here is a good and comical ode from another man who lost his dog recently: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/dog_paradox

Thanks for this bro, it's awesome... LOVE it... the end brought a tear to my eye because it's SO true. Thank you!!

[Lunk1]

I dont mean this in an offensive way buddy! You have already hung on too long...your doing the RIGHT thing and she appreciates it! We should be allowed to offer humans the same respect!

[gbrice75]

I dont mean this in an offensive way buddy! You have already hung on too long...your doing the RIGHT thing and she appreciates it! We should be allowed to offer humans the same respect!

Agreed. I know she's not happy sitting there in her own piss and shit... helpless, needing to be carried around. We're gonna bathe her and clean her up really nice before the appt. I want her to at least go out with some dignity.

[LevMyshkin]

Man, I'm so sorry to hear this. I lost my best four-legged friend back in November. She was a Jack Russell mix and a rescue dog. Ha her since she was a pup. I'm still not completely used to her being gone. I still roll over sometimes in the night and half wake up expecting her to be there next to me.

I'm convinced that if humans had the same morals as dogs, the world would be a much better place.

[gbrice75]

Man, I'm so sorry to hear this. I lost my best four-legged friend back in November. She was a Jack Russell mix and a rescue dog. Ha her since she was a pup. I'm still not completely used to her being gone. I still roll over sometimes in the night and half wake up expecting her to be there next to me.

I'm convinced that if humans had the same morals as dogs, the world would be a much better place.

Sorry for your loss bro... and I agree with you about the world being a better place. Re: the bold - this is what is already haunting me. I've had similar experiences (but not with the death of a pet) where you wake up in the middle of the night and there is this moment of 'normalcy', then it hits you that this terrible thing occurred and your stomach just sinks. That, and then there will undoubtedly be the vivid dreams where she's still with us... only to wake to an empty bedroom. So damn sad. I'll be tortured for life.

[DCI]

Sorry to read that man. It's amazing how dogs get under yout skin so much, but you will get over it and never forget all the good times you had man head up.

[gbrice75]

Man, I can't fcking believe i'm online shopping for pet ash urns. I never pictured this. These are the minor details you don't think of when you're thinking ahead to this day.

A lot of people say that the best way to get over the death of a pet is to get another one. While that may help, I don't personally like the idea. This may sound corny, but I find it disrespectful. I feel that my dog deserves the respect of my mourn and grief, and getting another pet would be nothing but a distraction from that. As much as it hurts, I WANT to mourn her passing. I feel I owe her that much. I don't want to sweep it under the rug. I know eventually I have to move on and live my life, but initially, I feel mourning is a healthy and natural emotion.

[gbrice75]

Sorry to read that man. It's amazing how dogs get under yout skin so much, but you will get over it and never forget all the good times you had man head up.

Thanks bro, appreciate the kind words.

[DCI]

Thanks bro, appreciate the kind words.

No bother at all keep positive and you'll be cool bud

[jimmyinkedup]

G sorry for your loss buddy. The unconditional love of a dog is a special thing. I have been there as have othesr that have shared and posted in similar threads here so we do know your pain. Take care my Brother!

[Lunk1]

Agreed. I know she's not happy sitting there in her own piss and shit... helpless, needing to be carried around. We're gonna bathe her and clean her up really nice before the appt. I want her to at least go out with some dignity.

We did the same! They deserve more than most humans do! I'm so sad for you and your family...there are some beautiful erns though huh?

[Lunk1]

Man, I can't fcking believe i'm online shopping for pet ash urns. I never pictured this. These are the minor details you don't think of when you're thinking ahead to this day.

A lot of people say that the best way to get over the death of a pet is to get another one. While that may help, I don't personally like the idea. This may sound corny, but I find it disrespectful. I feel that my dog deserves the respect of my mourn and grief, and getting another pet would be nothing but a distraction from that. As much as it hurts, I WANT to mourn her passing. I feel I owe her that much. I don't want to sweep it under the rug. I know eventually I have to move on and live my life, but initially, I feel mourning is a healthy and natural emotion.

Thats BS when ppl say that shyt...it's like saying if your child dies have another and you will be fine! This last one hurt so bad I took 2 days off and my wife and daughter just stayed home and cried! It's been over a year and I'm still convinced I dont ever want another...although I'm sure I will someday!

Remember these words: In every mans life he will know have one true love and one great dog! I have been blessed to have had both!

[gbrice75]

G sorry for your loss buddy. The unconditional love of a dog is a special thing. I have been there as have othesr that have shared and posted in similar threads here so we do know your pain. Take care my Brother!

Thanks Jimmy, always appreciate your support bro.

We did the same! They deserve more than most humans do! I'm so sad for you and your family...there are some beautiful erns though huh?

Definitely. I want to pic something really nice... just not sure if we want a traditional urn, or one of those picture box types...

Thats BS when ppl say that shyt...it's like saying if your child dies have another and you will be fine! This last one hurt so bad I took 2 days off and my wife and daughter just stayed home and cried! It's been over a year and I'm still convinced I dont ever want another...although I'm sure I will someday!

I definitely want another dog... I always want dogs in my life, and I want my son to grow up having them... but i'm just saying... not right away. Maybe 6 months, maybe a year. I've seen people with a new dog a month later. Really?

Remember these words: In every mans life he will know have one true love and one great dog! I have been blessed to have had both!

Same here brother. I have a great woman, and had (still have for a brief moment) one helluva great dog!!!

[Lunk1]

We found a simple wooden one with paw prints etched all over it. It was very fitting to her and her love of hunting and the outdoors! You will know the right one when you see it. You dont have to get one right away...some places send them home in a nice box that works till you find something! Although I know it helps pass the time and take your mind off of things!

[bigZthedestroyer]

Man I'm sorry to hear tht. It's a tough time. I wish y'all the best.

[ghettoboyd]

im so sorry that you and your family have to go through this...me and my family had to make the same decision after holding on to long to our dog...it was the toughest day in my/our life.....in the end though your doing the right thing, and I know you know that but its just so hard....that's what I love about this forum though is when on of us is down our brothers are here to pick us back up...

[gbrice75]

We found a simple wooden one with paw prints etched all over it. It was very fitting to her and her love of hunting and the outdoors! You will know the right one when you see it. You dont have to get one right away...some places send them home in a nice box that works till you find something! Although I know it helps pass the time and take your mind off of things!

Yep. We'll most definitely pick something that will honor her memory. That, along with the fact that I doubt a day will go by where I don't think of her... and that's how I want it to be.

Man I'm sorry to hear tht. It's a tough time. I wish y'all the best.

Thanks man, appreciate you stopping in.

im so sorry that you and your family have to go through this...me and my family had to make the same decision after holding on to long to our dog...it was the toughest day in my/our life.....in the end though your doing the right thing, and I know you know that but its just so hard....that's what I love about this forum though is when on of us is down our brothers are here to pick us back up...

Well said brother, and so true. We're more than a forum here, we're a tight-knit community of like-minded people, all supporting each other. Awesome stuff.

[cherrydrpepper]

Im sorry for your pain gbrice. I had to go see someone in an old people home today and even though it was a good visit I think I know a little of what you are feeling and empathize / sympathize.

[Flagg]

Agreed. I know she's not happy sitting there in her own piss and shit... helpless, needing to be carried around. We're gonna bathe her and clean her up really nice before the appt. I want her to at least go out with some dignity.

About two months ago, had to put down one of our cats. He was quite old but in the last 6 months he went downhill fast. Become quiet, slow on his feet, started soiling everywhere....it was not the same cat we'd known for 14 years. We realised he was obviously in a lot of discomfort and he was losing his dignity somewhat. when he went down to vet it turned out he had all sorts of growths on his internal organs so we did the best thing for him.

It's a terrible thing losing a pet, especially when they've been with you a long time. It sucked because a couple weeks later, another one of ours died. The thing is, she'd been sick, but pepped up, started going out more when one day we couldn't find her at all. We searched high and low, and finally we found out where she'd been going outside a lot....not far from us are communal glass houses and she must have gone to them for the warmth and comfort they provide. It looked like she'd had a heart attack (she was also quite old). I hate the fact she was alone when she died, but i'm also comforted that at least she was somewhere she enjoyed going to.

That's the best and worst things about pets....people are practically immortal next to them. We'll always outlive them.