A very sad and difficult realization...

**Java Man** · 11-16-2013, 11:31 PM

GB, you described my father pretty much to a t. the difference is he was a dick when I was a kid, too so its just something I have always dealt with. I left his house between 15 and 18 many times but the cops would always end up putting me back lol. As soon as I turned 18 though I was gone for good.

I realize now he has some mental disorder but he would never admit it nor allow anyone to 'help' with it so I have as little contact as possible with him. My daughter loves the crap out of him and he's family. You said it... Bound by blood. I can't say I don't love the man. I just can't hang out with him for too long

I'm guessing something happened between you and mom and was still simmering when you wrote your original post. I don't believe you don't love your mother on some level. It sounds like your really fed up with her antics though and may not talk to her for a long time.

My mom isn't with us anymore so I feel you on your anger but love for parents by children and vice versa is very primal. I have my doubts that anyone short of a clinical psychopath is actually capable. I get what youre saying either way. I only see my dad in short bursts now. Its unfortunate but insufferable people force themselves into the position of being alienated from other humans.

Sorry man. It's a shit position for the family but it is what it is.

**Java Man** · 11-16-2013, 11:37 PM

Originally Posted by Bonaparte

Move far away.

If that doesn't work: wait until she develops dementia, become her power of attorney, and lock her away in the dementia ward of a nursing home like so many other people seem to do.

Lol. Don't forget while you have power of attorney to sign any assets she might have over to yourself

**dumbelle** · 11-17-2013, 12:05 AM

I hated my grandpa that has now passed away, so I get it. I feel like a brat saying that but he was a shitty guy.

**Java Man** · 11-17-2013, 12:16 AM

Originally Posted by dumbelle

I hated my grandpa that has now passed away, so I get it. I feel like a brat saying that but he was a shitty guy.

Lol! At least youre honest

**gbrice75** · 11-18-2013, 10:51 AM

Originally Posted by GirlyGymRat

I speak this from my heart. If your mom was to pass on and your relationship was strained, you completely turned your back to your mom, you might have regrets that haunt you for the rest of you life. That's a huge burden to carry....

There are always going to be ppl who don't gel well together, unfortunately this one is family which you don't get to chose. If her issues are causing this much stress in your life, then you might consider limiting your involvement and protect against getting drawn in to her drama.

You can still be cordial and love her for who she was and not for who she has become.

That's just it - I'm *already* regretting where it appears this is going, I find it tragic and sad, but at the same time I don't feel I have any control over it. As I said, I've tried changing (even when I don't believe I'm the problem) but the end result stays the same.

The thing is, I REFUSE to be around people in my life who bring negativity, stress, dread, etc. and I especially feel that way when it comes to my wife and son. I just won't tolerate it. I don't want to cut off all communication and have limited my involvement, but pretty much any time I deal with her, this is how it is.

Originally Posted by chadcuz1985

Bro...you HAVE to love your mother no matter what man. That's a sad situation your in man and ill be hoping you the best. But please never stop loving the one that brought you into this world man.

I said this about my daddy, who was a drunk and mean man. He left my mother when I was 3 and I seen him on a rare occasion throughout my childhood. When I was 19 I was kicked out by my stepdad. I tried moving in with my biological father, we almost fought, he was drunk ....so I came back to my home and a month later got my own apartment. Me and my dad didn't speak since then, He was sort of a lunatic, crazy, nuthouse kind of guy. he drank a case a beer every day. I found out in August he had passed away back in January. I was not notified by anyone of his passing. It hurt me really bad, it damaged me. So please, don't stop loving your mom and for Gods sake's do not move away from her. Try o make things work, otherwise you will be in a world of hurt when you find out she has passed like in my situation.

I hope you can make things work with her, I wish you the best.

Thanks Chad, I hope there is a way too. It's just looking grim right now...

Btw, I'm sorry about your situation man, that really sounds shitty. You seem like a good guy though; hopefully, the pain helped you to become stronger.

Originally Posted by BG

Have you tried calmly telling her you feelings, then give her space? Tell her until she seeks help you are eliminating her from your life that shes a much to negative influence.

Yea B, I totally have. All she does is point the finger back at me. She accepts NO criticism, constructive or otherwise. No responsibility. It's always everybody else, not her (despite her being the common denominator in EVERY bad situation, and that's not just with regard to me).

Originally Posted by lovbyts

When it comes to family you have to accept them for who they are especially if they wont listen and change.

There were many many things I did not like about my mother. I had to learn to not let it effect me to much and just accept that is how she is. My mom sounded a lot like your in many ways. No need to go into details, you covered most.

I had to learn what battles to fight and what to just let go. I am the only child out of 5 who stayed around and helped her after my father passed away for 18 years. It was only the last year she changed in some ways after finding out she had cancer and finally started to appreciate what I have been doing for her and in spite of her.

Bottom line, it's your mother. Dont hate her but if she is making your life crazy just do what you have to do to keep sane but not cut her out of your life 100%. Sometimes less is more.

I don't hate her, I just wish I still loved her the way I used to. That feeling is simply gone, and I don't think love is an emotion or feeling we can select or control. It's not the flick of a switch.

As for "accepting them for who they are" - I can do that, but I simply cannot have a relationship with her in her current (long term) state.

Originally Posted by Java Man

GB, you described my father pretty much to a t. the difference is he was a dick when I was a kid, too so its just something I have always dealt with. I left his house between 15 and 18 many times but the cops would always end up putting me back lol. As soon as I turned 18 though I was gone for good.

I realize now he has some mental disorder but he would never admit it nor allow anyone to 'help' with it so I have as little contact as possible with him. My daughter loves the crap out of him and he's family. You said it... Bound by blood. I can't say I don't love the man. I just can't hang out with him for too long

I'm guessing something happened between you and mom and was still simmering when you wrote your original post. I don't believe you don't love your mother on some level. It sounds like your really fed up with her antics though and may not talk to her for a long time.

My mom isn't with us anymore so I feel you on your anger but love for parents by children and vice versa is very primal. I have my doubts that anyone short of a clinical psychopath is actually capable. I get what youre saying either way. I only see my dad in short bursts now. Its unfortunate but insufferable people force themselves into the position of being alienated from other humans.

Sorry man. It's a shit position for the family but it is what it is.

Thanks brother. I am seriously pursuing researching BPD as the more I read, the more I am convinced this is EXACTLY what she suffers from.

**Hazard** · 11-18-2013, 11:04 AM

Coincidental? My father was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Me and him have almost no relationship now..... We were fine for a long time. Trained together for years.

We don't even talk twice a month anymore. He's an alpha male and feels threatened. He treats me like a kid and repeats himself over and over. He'll buy me a birthday gift or a Christmas gift and then throw it in my face.

"Can't you get me test..... I got you xxxxx for Christmas"

"You owe me for that time I fixed the snowblower" - "but dad that was 4 years ago"

**ickythump** · 11-23-2013, 09:16 PM

my girlfriend, although the reasons are slightly different, has similar feelings towards her father... it's affected who she is her entire life and now affects mine......I really feel like the reason she does what she does in regards to parenting is because of it.... now she is so caring and loves our son and does so much but the hang ups cause a very large rift between us when it comes to parenting because she is so, idk, I say insane right now out of frustration but it's just her being so determined to be better than her father...... anyhow I wrote this in regards to your son, strive to have a better relationship but not at the cost of straining another relationship....I really don't think she knows she does it... best of luck