sick jokes.....

[will_work]

Q)How do you turn a baby into a dog?
A) Pour gas over it and light a match. Woof

[goaheadandhitme]

Q)How do you turn a baby into a dog?
A) Pour gas over it and light a match. Woof

WOW,, thats bad, whewww, wow

[weeman001]

whats red and white and goes round and round?

baby in a blender

[freakon]

Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.

Q. Why don't little girls fart?
A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.

Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins !

Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Q. What's the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.

[AandF6969]

-What does a baby in a blender sound like?

I don't know I was too busy masturbating.

-Whats the difference between a dead baby and a rock?

You can't have sex with a rock.

-Whats the best thing about twenty-nine year olds?

There's 20 of them.

-What did Helen Keller's parents do when she was bad?

left the plunger in the toilet

[Renesis]

I think a part of my soul has just died LMFAO!!!

[CSAR]

How do you unload a garbage truck full of dead babies?

A pitchfork.

[CSAR]

A guy goes bear hunting for the first time. He buys a .300 Winchester and heads up to the woods. After an hour he spots an enormous grizzly about 200 yards away. He puts the bear directly in his crosshairs and shoots - BAM! He runs over to where he shot the griz, but finds only a few drops of blood and some hairs. On his shoulder, he feels a "tap, tap, tap." He turns around and there's the griz. The bear roars, "Ouch! That hurt!", and proceeds to violate the man's anus with his ginormous bear cock. The man screams and screams in agony. After the bear blows his wad in the man's ass, he tosses him aside and lumbers off. The man gets up and sprints back to his truck screaming all the way.

A week later, the man has gotten over his initial shock and is overcome with murderous rage. "I'm gonna kill that f***in' bear!", he shouts as he heads to gun shop to buy an even bigger gun. After he buys a new H&H .375 magnum, he heads back out to the woods to find the grizz. After an hour he spots the same grizzly. He puts the bear directly in his crosshairs and shoots - KABOOM!! He runs over to where he shot the griz, but finds only a few drops of blood and some hairs. On his shoulder, he feels a "tap, tap, tap." He turns around and there's the griz. The bear roars, "You again! That hurt like a sumbitch!", and again proceeds to violate the man's anus with his ginormous bear cock. The man screams and screams in agony. After the bear blows his wad in the man's ass, he tosses him aside and lumbers off. The man gets up and sprints back to his truck screaming all the way.

A week later, the man has gotten over the shock off being azz-raped by the bear and is once again overcome with murderous rage. "I'm gonna kill that f***in' bear!", he shouts as he heads to gun shop to buy the biggest gun available - a Browning 50 cal. He heads back out to the woods to find the grizz. After an hour he spots the azz-raping grizzly. He puts the bear directly in his crosshairs and shoots - KABLOOOEY!!! He runs over to where he shot the griz, but finds only a few drops of blood and some hairs. On his shoulder, he feels a "tap, tap, tap." He turns around and there's the griz. The bear says, "You're not in this for the hunting, are ya?"

[TEST_ME!]

-What does a baby in a blender sound like?

I don't know I was too busy masturbating.

-Whats the difference between a dead baby and a rock?

You can't have sex with a rock.

-Whats the best thing about twenty-nine year olds?

There's 20 of them.

-What did Helen Keller's parents do when she was bad?

left the plunger in the toilet

The reason i love this site lmao

[Shane35aa]

Heres a old one..

Whats worst part about eating vegetables?

You have to put them back in wheelchair when your done.

[wantmoremass]

A doctor, a lawyer and a priest are on a ship that is sinking. The doctor said, 'we have to save the women and children'. The lawyer says 'fvck the children'. The priest asks 'do we have time'?

[PEWN]

lol.... wow...

[unclemoney]

hahahahaha love this thread

[novastepp]

what did the vampire say to the teacher???



See ya next period.

[PEWN]

good one ...

[Superhuman]

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gagged.

[Superhuman]

An elderly farmer decides he's had enough of milking his cows by hand so he decides to invest some money in an electronic, industrial milking machine. After a couple of days his new 'state of the art' device arrives. He waits around until his wife is out for the day and decides to test the machine on himself. Once its installed he pops his pecker into the 'udder sucker' and switches the machine on. After having the best orgasm of his life old boy decides he better switch the machine off and get his pants back on, it's then he realises he's stuck in the machine. After trying everything he could think to release himself he decides to call the customer service helpline. "Hello," he says, "I've recently purchased a milking machine from your good selves. It works just fine, but i was wondering how you remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry sir, this is state of the art technology." Replies the salesman, "The device will release automatically once it's collected 2 gallons."

[Superhuman]

This man walks into a brothel and says he's only got $10, and needs some relief. He is told he can have the "singing blow job", that one of the women is known for her ability to sing the national anthem while giving the best blowjob ever. So intrigued, he goes down to the basement.

It's pitch black, and he hears a "plop" and the woman begins to give him a blowjob while singing the national anthem. "Oh say can you see!.....". Even more impressive, she is singing perfectly in tune and clear as a bell.

Well the guy thinks this is amazing so he comes back the next day, and it happens again, he hears the "plop" and then she sings as she sucks. "Oh say can you see!..."

The third time he takes a flashlight. Just as he hears the "plop" he switches on the light... and there he sees it, her glass eye in a cup of water staring right at him.

[Tambit24]

Whats the difference between a dead baby and a mustang....... I don't have a mustang in my garage.



Whats the difference between a dead baby and an apple. ....... I don't cum on the apple before I eat it.


Whats worse than a pile of 100 dead babies........... One trying to eat it's way out.

[freakon]

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don't stop for directions.

Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!

Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!

Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?
A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.

Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.

Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur traders.

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.

[firmechicano831]

I like them.

[LBT]

How many Emo's does it take to change a lightbulb?



None. They all sit in the dark cutting themselves.

[fenceguy]

Atlanta Airport

You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South.

Some of you will enjoy this more than others - Southerners can be so polite!

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."


Pause...


Saudi Air: "ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"


Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911."


Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN
OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."


Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- y'a hear?"

[CheddaNips]

-What does a baby in a blender sound like?

I don't know I was too busy masturbating.

-Whats the difference between a dead baby and a rock?

You can't have sex with a rock.

-Whats the best thing about twenty-nine year olds?

There's 20 of them.

-What did Helen Keller's parents do when she was bad?

left the plunger in the toilet

I love dead baby jokes and the hellen keller one topped it off

[Shane35aa]

Atlanta Airport

You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South.

Some of you will enjoy this more than others - Southerners can be so polite!

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."


Pause...


Saudi Air: "ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"


Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911."


Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN
OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."


Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- y'a hear?"

Good one

[Odpierdol_sie!]

What did the film The sixth sense have in common with Titianic?









I see dead people

[Odpierdol_sie!]

To homelss guys walking down the street, one turns to the other and says "have you shit your self? you fvcking stink!" his mate replies no. he then says " you fvkin have" the vagrant replies " i told you no, i havent fvcking shit myself".
so the firt vagrant then says "you fvcking stink, i dont believe you! pull your trousers down", so he does, vagrant then goes, yeah see i fvcking told you, you dirty bastard you have shit yourself" to which the other vagrant replies "ooooooooooh did you mean today?"

[Odpierdol_sie!]

a bum bursts in to a bar and says give me a fvcking tooth pick, so the bar man says no, the bum then screams at the top of his voice give me a fvcking tooth pick, so the bar man hands one over, the bum then runs out of the door laffing his head off.

5 minutes later another bum burst in to the bar and screams give me a fvcking straw, the bar man then says "hey we had a mate of yours in here a minute ago wanting a tooth pick, what do you want with a straw?", the tramp replies "yeah the fvcking greedy b@stard somebody has thrwon up out side and all the chunky bits are gone".

[Superhuman]

a bum bursts in to a bar and says give me a fvcking tooth pick, so the bar man says no, the bum then screams at the top of his voice give me a fvcking tooth pick, so the bar man hands one over, the bum then runs out of the door laffing his head off.

5 minutes later another bum burst in to the bar and screams give me a fvcking straw, the bar man then says "hey we had a mate of yours in here a minute ago wanting a tooth pick, what do you want with a straw?", the tramp replies "yeah the fvcking greedy b@stard somebody has thrwon up out side and all the chunky bits are gone".

holy crappamoli that is the NASTIEST joke I have ever heard in my life WOW that's gross lol

[freakon]

Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him!

Q. How can you tell a head nurse?
A. She's the one with the dirty knees!

Q. What do you call three lesbians in bed together?
A. M�nage � twat.

Q. What do you call hemorrhoids on a fag?
A. Speed bumps.

Q. What is the lightest thing in the world?
A. A penis...even a thought can raise it.

Q. What do gay kids get for Christmas?
A. Erection Sets.

Q. Where do fags park?
A. In the rear.

Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife...
A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.

Q. What does a female snail say during sex?
A. Faster, faster, faster!

Q. What is the noisiest thing in the world?
A. Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.

Q. What's red and blue with a long string?
A. A smurfette with her period.

Q. What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A. A pubic hair.

Q. Define "Egghead:"
A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

Q. How can you tell if you have acne?
A. If the blind can read your face.

Q. Did you know they just discovered a new use for sheep in New Zealand?
A. Wool!

Q. What's a necrophiliac's biggest complaint about sex?
A. They just kinda lay there.

Q. What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?
A. "Will I really drown if you take your finger out?"

[freakon]

Q. Why did the lumber truck stop?
A. To let the lumber jack off.

Q. Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable?
A. She wanted to mount the horse her way.

Q. Hey, what's sticky, white and falls from the sky?
A. The cumming of the Lord

Q. How did the tugboat get AIDS?
A. It was rear-ended by a ferry.

Q. How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

Q. What's the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?
A. A bandleader ****s his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.

Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. Ate something.

Q. What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?
A. About three inches.

Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

Q. Why do women have two holes so close together?
A. In case you miss.

Q. When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie

[3bd]

Best pick-up line at a gay bar: "Can I push in your stool?"

[Tambit24]

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables wrapped around his neck. The bartender goes up to him and says "hey don't you start anything in here buddy"

[LBT]

Two pregnant women are sitting together knitting baby clothes. The first woman says, "I hope mine is a boy because I've only got blue wool." The second woman says, "I hope mine is a spastic because I've fvcked the arms up."


Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says,
"You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?".
"No," says the first, " a bit sour."

[Odpierdol_sie!]

What is the difference between Madaline McCann and Elvis?













More people believe Elvis is still alive.

[freakon]

Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.

Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you?
A. When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

Q. Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
A. They're called 'Predickamints'

Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

Q. What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
A. One goes "ribbit" the other goes "rub it".'

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died lau***ng before he could tell anybody.

Q. What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
A. Nothing.

Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Well aren't all kitchen appliances that colour?

Q. What's the difference between parsley and *****?
A. Nobody eats parsley.

Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermit's Finger

Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q. Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?
A. Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A. "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

Q. What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A. If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.

Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence!

[freakon]

Q. What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
A. Ones a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!

Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotopuss.

Q. What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?
A. There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
A. A Mechanic.

Q. What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. Pimp.

Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroids.

Q. Why are women are like tires?
A. There's always a spare.

Q. What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
A. Beethoven's First Movement.

Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A. A tran-sister.

Q. What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
A. I can't see a thing with all this shit in here!

Q. Why do women wear black underwear?
A. They are mourning for the stiff they buried the night before.

Q. How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?
A. Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.

Q. What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?
A. At a hockey game you see fast pucks.

Q. What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A. A salad shooter

Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
A. Bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man comes home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator

[qualityclrk1]

BUMP!!!!! this thread was awesome......nebody got more?

[ChuckLee]

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don't stop for directions.

Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!

Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!

Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?
A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.

Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.

Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur traders.

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.

Freakon, YOU DA MAN

[Flagg]

Here's mine, hope it's doesn't offend anyone.

How do you get a gay man to have sex with a woman?

Shit in her cvnt.